What?

Mid-afternoon. One foot tapping rhythmically as I contemplate my workout for the day. I still need to write it down on an index card to keep me on track at the gym. I think about the bag I have in the car, packed early this morning. Ready to go.

I glance down at my watch. Thirty-five minutes until I can leave. Return my gaze to the computer screen.

Head snap, back to the watch. Eyes open wide. Wrong watch.

I realize that I forgot to pack the durable Timex with years of sweat embedded in the band. Dammit. The tapping foot is relentless now. I always work out with that watch.

Exhale slowly. It’s cool. I can time myself on the wall clock at the gym. My foot stops tapping.

To Anyone Who Ever Suggested Substituting Mustard for Mayonnaise:

You seem to have lost your mind. Let me help you find it again.

Mustard and mayonnaise are not alike. I understand that you are trying to cut calories, but shall I suggest you substitute garlic powder for sugar in your morning coffee? Yes, that is how ridiculous you sound to me.

Mayo is mild and creamy, adding just the right amount of moisture to a sandwich or tuna salad with a measure of decadence as well. Mustard can hardly be labeled as decadent. It is tangy and easily overpowering. Had you suggested substituting plain Greek yogurt or sour cream I may have seen the light, but mustard? Although delicious at times—with meats like hotdogs and kielbasa—mustard is simply not equal to mayonnaise, and I am offended that you suggest as such.

Give me the calories. Mustard is not appropriate for a mayonnaise substitution.