I Choose to Be Free✌️

Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him. I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.

here is the thing about being someone’s second choice.

Once a lover, twice a stranger.

I refuse to date again unless someone cares to know every detail about me. Someone who listens on bad days and knows how to handle them, not walk away or shut me out. Someone who doesn’t expect me to foot the bill or put in all of the effort. Someone who listens to my favorite music to understand why it means so much. Someone who doesn’t selfishly use me as a guinea pig to figure out their sexuality, while sleeping around on the side. I don’t need another person who is going to sneak around, cheat, or play games. I’ve had my fair share of terrible and toxic experiences and I’m tired. I refuse to continuously put myself and my heart on the line just to be screwed over by people that don’t deserve it. I’ve experienced it all and now, I’ve learned from it. I like to think that one day, I’ll spend the rest of my life with someone. But for now, I’ll learn to enjoy being alone in the mean time. I refuse to do it again and I simply can’t handle it another time. I’m done wasting my time. 

The things that excite you are not random. They are connected to your purpose. Follow them.

I felt you say goodbye to me before you ever actually said it.

“I hated the way you treated me but I hated myself more for staying”

And do you know the feeling when it’s summer, and it’s too hot; the heat waves radiating on your skin that you can’t reminisce how the cold feels? That’s exactly how I felt when I was with you; hot and cold flashes that were confusing to follow. Our lives were a complete mess, and when we came together, everything felt right and in place. An hour turned into much more, and it felt like all we wanted was to be next to each other - not wanting each moment to end. But even my love wasn’t enough, for you changed just like the seasons did too.

In what world can lovers fall apart and remain friends? Could you handle the gossip of who i took home with me Saturday night? Would you want to hear the details of how i’m falling for someone new? How maybe he’s Prince Charming and he doesn’t toy with my trust. What if i told you that i’m meeting his family and i needed your help to calm my nerves? Could you handle how he loves taking photos of me and brags about me over social media? Would it hurt you that he does all that you didn’t for me and that he’s the reason behind the smile that you adore? Would it be like pouring salt into open wounds because i’ve achieved the happiness i searched for in you and couldn’t find? Because I don’t want to hear about these things from you. I don’t think I can handle it.  You see when i say you’re harder to get over than the rest it’s not because “i’m young and haven’t experienced the world yet”. It’s because your role in my life was different. You weren’t just a nice guy. You were understanding and you could always pick out the best things about a person and make them heard. Do you know how powerful that is to experience especially when you’ve been a wallflower your whole life? Your words can make any plant bloom and i don’t know how you can just get over someone with that kind of magic.

Perhaps most of all, though, you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world. You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we’re not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay.

None of his words matter now. He made his choice, and now I’m making mine. This is my agony. He told me we could be friends, and in my need of him I agreed time and time again. Now the hurt outweighs the need, and missing him means less and less with each passing day. We can’t be friends. I can’t be friends with someone who meant so much to me. I can’t bear the thought of seeing him with another girl, nor can I bear the thought of distant friendship with my once greatest confidant. He told me that this was a new chapter, but now I would rather have the end. This chapter’s only been laced with words I wished I hadn’t heard him say, actions that felt personal. I can’t make it through this chapter. I’m writing the ending.

The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment you absolutely and utterly have to walk away.

“Even if you hear a bad story about me, understand, there was a time I was good to those people too, but they won’t tell you that.”