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@clunelover
I wrote a whole long post but it was too much of a downer - so I'll try to just say that I think the Netflix documentary on the Boston Marathon bombings is one of the better/more nuanced ones, and I am learning things about it I didn't know, and I started sobbing at the clip of Obama's address in Boston - just such deep grief for a time when we had a President with empathy, whose heart really seemed to be WITH the people of this country.
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Met with a lawyer for preliminary info on estate planning. Inspired to finally do something bc of Jeremy becoming 10% owner of an LLC, seems possibly complicated if we should both die. I mean, who knows, the LLC is just now being formed, and his friend the owner may put in his own provisions for if Jeremy dies, maybe it all just goes back to him, idk! Actually, this makes me think - that would be totally reasonable for him to want, like AFAIK the ownership is contingent on Jeremy working for him, and if he dies that would no longer be the case...so I messaged Jeremy to say this and that we'll be fine without it, so if owner wants the share to return to him, I'm fine with it. But we needed to make one anyway so glad to have that light a fire under us even if it ends up not being a factor.
An unexpected thing - I am pretty pragmatic about this stuff, and talking about "when I die"/"if we both die" doesn't really bother me. So I didn't anticipate that talking about a will would make me emotional at all. But there were a couple moments when I had Feels - once when talking about what happens if me, Jeremy, and the kids all die - I said "if we all die in a plane crash or something" and then felt bad and sad. I also felt weird when I asked if I can add a provision so that my mom gets nothing if we die and no other heirs survive. The answer is yes of course, and I'm very secure in this decision, but thinking about it still made my stomach flip.
Anyway, I feel both excited to finally get this in all in writing, and a bit overwhelmed cause we have so many little retirement accounts here and there from various jobs (some got rolled over and some not, who knows why or what happened) and the thought of tracking them all down is bleh, as is deciding things like what age should kids get whatever is left in a trust for them.
AND! One reason I'd been putting off making a will is that I would want my local sister to take the kids if we should both die when they're minors. I was scared to ask her that - what if she says no?! I'd be crushed, and unsure of who to ask instead. But idk, something has shifted, maybe due to her planning to have her own kid soon, and I no longer found it at all anxiety provoking to ask. I just sent a very straightforward text and she said of course! And I said we'd do that for any kid(s) of hers if she wanted that and she said definitely. Normal things!!
There was a helpful post in my MFA Facebook group, where someone asked "what are books that, when you got to your program, it seemed like everyone had read and would refer to?" A lot of people misunderstood the assignment and listed craft books, or just their own favorite books, but there were some good answers that seemed legit to me, like Jesusā Son (have read) and Bunny by Mona Awad (obv of a different quality but based on my observations it does seem like one of those viral books everyone has read). I asked my stepdad the same question, and he loaned me several Andre Dubus books; he also definitely seems legit pre-req reading.
I hadnāt read Bunny, so Iām listening to the audiobook of it nowā¦man, I really do not like the style itās written in. Sort of overwrought modern gothic, and what I call "thesaurus-y" - where the author is not content to just use "normal" words, and uses different synonyms in place. Specifically, she mentioned "hair" a few times (normal) but has also used "tresses" and "locks"ā¦ew. This style of writing is overall grating to me, but for whatever reason these hair synonyms are always the ones that I notice and hate the most. Actually, I know the reason - itās because it reminds me of womenās magazines. Like, in an article about different shampoos or hairstyle techniques, it seemed like editorial standard to not just say "hair" each timeā¦and there it kind of makes sense, like if youāre going to say hair fifty times over two pages, maybe it is better to mix it up. But in literary writing, it always feels unnecessary and overwritten. Just say hair!!
Anyway, Iām going to hang with it cause Iām curious where the plot is going.
I'm behind on my annotations, but it's okay. Yesterday I thought I had finished taking notes on all the stories, but then realized I had missed one. I texted Jeremy, "I miscounted the men, Liz!" I still took myself to see Backrooms as a reward for what I did manage to do. It was very weird and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I need to read some analyses to help me decide, heh.
All new students get assigned a buddy, and I emailed back and forth and then had a phone chat with her just now. She seems really cool! And gave me a lot of helpful info, and said she'd send me some of her annotations as an example. We were given some examples in our incoming student packet, but, as my buddy said, "they're...old...and weird." So this will help me a lot I think.
I did also get the packet of student stories for my workshop. One relief - apparently workshop isn't as much of a focus in this program, and of course you need to read all the stories and be ready to have a substantive discussion about them, but you DON'T need to do in-line critques or a critique letter, like I have spent so much time laboring over in past workshops. So that makes me a little less scared about getting everything done in time.
Years ago, I used to listen to a podcast where one of the co-hosts was LDS, and she gave some interesting insights into their beliefs. Both serious things and fun things, including typical Mormon foods, and this is how I learned about dirty diet cokes. I got obsessed with the idea, and had some pals over who also listened to it, and got the ingredients to make them. I know there are many variations of dirty soda, but I am talking about what (at least per this podcast lady) is the original/classic - diet coke with coconut syrup and lime juice + half and half.
It was really good, but how often are we drinking such a thing? So I've had half a bottle of coconut syrup in my pantry for yearssss. I bought it when we were in the old house, so yeah, 6-ish years ago!
Last weekend, BFF hosted a cookbook party - everyone made a recipe from a particular cookbook (she picked Cook This Book by Molly Baz.) Best mom friend was invited, and she was upfront and said "hey, I want to go, but I cook for six people every day and cooking is NOT fun for me, so I want to come but not cook" which of course was fine! ANYWAY, she said she'd bring an assortment of drinks, including diet coke, and I was like "omg and I still have coconut syrup so we can make DDCs!" and I did, and it was so good, and all this is just to say that I bought more Diet Cokes, not something we usually have in the house, and I plan to drink one a day until I use up the syrup and I am very happy.
OH and all the things from the cookbook were delicious. I made soy butter brussels sprouts with fried garlic. A little fiddly but not that hard, and IMO sooo worth it. I mean I love brussels sprouts, so I know I would like it, but omg the soy butter was next level.
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Jeremy and the pal he's been working for met up today to discuss salary and stuff for him to become a full time employee of this guy. They were able to agree on a number that made sense, so I guess once they do whatever paperwork it will be official. Salary + profit share + a contribution to health insurance.
Jeremy has mapped out for me how it will all work money-wise and I'm no longer scared, and am instead just relieved (a job! at a time when he can barely get a gd phone screen anywhere!) and actually very happy for him - he's kind of wished to be able to pivot from product management into something in development, but that was going to be tough...tough to walk away from the money of a PM job (while he was employed as one, I mean), hard to get relevant training and experience that would be enough to parlay into a job - I think I mentioned how our alma mater here in town just won't admit anyone to do a second bachelor's in computer science. First bachelor's only, folks! Computers is full. And so many developers he asked would say "well, a degree doesn't really matter, just work on creating a project portfolio, you can be self-taught" and that IS true as far as what it actually takes to get the necessary skills, BUT in this market, good luck getting an interview for anything as a "self taught" person. Your resume will be automatically screened out...unless you have a specific in somewhere, like Jeremy does with this friend, where you can carve out a role for yourself.
So now instead of thinking of it as "ugh I guess we're desperate enough that this makes sense," I'm thinking it could actually be the start of one of those "I lost my job and made a change and it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me" type stories.
Eek, it's the last full week of school. One month til my residency starts. I have just two more stories to write my notes on - getting all my evidence in order for my annotations - and then I will start actually writing them. It's not supposed to be super exhaustive, I'm noting everything down now but then I'll winnow it down to particularly striking examples.
Tomorrow I have an eye exam to hopefully get some progressive lenses in new frames, and then a meeting with C's teacher and the school psychologist, to go review his 504 and whether it needs any adjusting before next school year. And then just kind of a steady stream of end of school activities and events...the next month is really going to fly!
I saw my sister and she was doing pretty well. Sad but not devastated. Iād been unsure of how to interpret her not saying anything about the miscarriage in our group chat with my two best friends, who sheād told right away about the pregnancy - like, is she so sad she canāt bring herself to say it, I wondered? But I think now itās more like, she is sad, moderately so, but when you share that kind of bad news, some people only really know how to react with INTENSE PITY, like itās the WORST thing that has ever happened, and that makes you feel worse, and sheās just avoiding having to absorb that (which, she wouldnāt get that kind of reaction from those two women, but in general I get the sense sheās opting out of all that pity for now.)
Yessss the place I got C on the waitlist for for neuropsych testing has reached out to schedule. Initial intake appointment could happen in mid July. I felt a little bad only getting him on one waitlist, but it didn't seem likely that I'd find another place that was good without just as long a waitlist (or, my favorite, "don't even have a waitlist, call in three months to see if we have one at that time") so once I got on this one I decided that was enough.
Yay, maybe it could all be done and diagnosed (if applicable) by the time school starts!
I saw Obsession last night (horror.) It was really great. Well executed idea, great acting esp from the lead woman, very funny but also very scary, has a point of view but wasnāt heavy handed, and, I guess Iād describe it as "going all the way?" Itās common for horror movies to have bad third acts - either the concept loses steam, or thereās a big reveal that doesnāt work, or it swerves/flinches - not wanting to take the characters all the way to the necessary conclusion? But this one didnāt have that problem.
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Ahhh so we live in a development with an annoyingly restrictive HOA (but not nearly as bad as some?) One rule, which I think I'm okay with, is no fences. I mean, there are pros and cons, but I do think it looks better without, and I don't believe this is a place where there's any issue with kids cutting through lawns or any common lawn nuisance things. There's a neighborhood facebook group and people post often about the fence thing...usually people who want to put up a fence cause a ball rolled into their yard one time or something. But I rarely see the opposite kind of post - apparently there's a new section of houses going up that is part of our development, but has different bylaws written into the contracts to build, and they ARE allowed to have fences. And someone made a post in the FB group complaining about how crappy and tacky they look. One of the main HOA board ladies is replying and explaining where to look up all the bylaws, it's unlikely they'd be changed, etc.
And the OP has gone kind of unhinged, but in a way I am loving. She says: "Well itās obvious all the planning and rules were done by men. They have no common sense and make up the dumbest crap. Like [our neighborhood] being the only land out here that is [city that we're a burb of] school district. Are they using our subdivision as an experiment or something?!"
And
"thereās a movie on Netflix right now called ladies first and itās about how women run society and other CEOs and make all the rules and treat men the way that women are treated in life in the workplace, etc.. Itās really good. You should watch it."
I'm dying. Everyone is yelling at her for being needlessly sexist, and pointing out that there are plenty of stupid women too. I'd kinda be on her side just on the basis of solidarity in calling all men dumb, except she's got some random classism sprinkled in...like, she said that the fences are going to look extra crappy cause the new houses are tiny and crappy looking. I mean, I guess that's also just factual - smaller houses on smaller lots = more fences close together...but the way she's wording it does seem to imply she sees small houses as inherently undesirable. And then this thing about the school districts...Our town doesn't have its own schools. We're near a city, and about equally close to two other small towns. And neighborhoods around here are mostly zoned for schools in one of the two smaller towns, except us apparently? Although we can also enter a lottery to send kids to those other districts instead. Anyway, you also see a lot of posts angsting about the likelihood of getting in off that lottery, because a lot of people view those schools as "better" (ahem, waaaay less economically and racially diverse.)
Well, that's that on the lukewarm neighborhood drama I am using to distract myself from diving in on my notations!! To work!
Aw man, my poor sister is having a miscarriage. She had bleeding a little over a week ago - more than spotting, but not the heavy, obviously itās over kind? So sheās been getting blood draws to check how the hcg was increasing - and she was in limbo for a while, because the level was quite low, but it was also doubling at the rate it should, and so for a little while it was like low but maaaaaybe at the very bottom of normal range, but as time went on it was more clearly just not high enough even though it was still going up, and then as of yesterday it went way down, so thatās that I guess. Iām sad for her, especially that she had to live with that uncertainty and faint hope for a while. I canāt really tell how sheās doing. Her emotional remove makes it so she sometimes canāt really engage with that concept, like when her husband was in the hospital so long for his appendix, and I was trying to ask her how she was doing, and she seemed unable to speak to that beyond the ins and outs of scheduling and other logistical and practical matters. So I mean Iām sure sheās sad, but I donāt know if itās more wistful or more devastated. I told her Iām free Friday if sheād like a visit.
Today was my third time going to the ladies strength training gym. It really is awesome the way they organize the circuit, itās a 45 minute class that just flies by. There are stations, and each station has two moves, and you rotate between the two moves and do them each 3 times, then on to the next station. The first time I went, it felt so fast that when I finished the last station I figured we were about to loop through the whole thing again, but no, that was just it.
I do feel rather doofus-y, the instructor demos all the moves at the beginning and then I need her to show me almost all of them again when I get to the station. Which Iām sure is normal, but I do feel Iām a little worse at absorbing that stuff than some people are. I have sort of poor understanding of my bodyās location in space and struggle with verbal instructions, so if you tell me to bend my arm at a something degree angle, Iām like "huh??" Also my balance is just shockingly bad cause of foot. So I feel like Iām wobbling and misunderstanding over the damn place and looking foolish. I can get through that though!
Oh and speaking of, it was good to see my PT the other day, she was very helpful coming up with new exercises for balance and ankle strengthening.
Omg todayās the day we turned on the solar panels, and theyāve covered 90% of electricity today (as of when Jeremy showed me on the app a couple hours ago.)
I didnāt think Iād find it so exciting but I really do!!
Poor C - he still has that extreme reaction to mosquito bites, and he got one on his ankle on Sunday. It puffed up insanely and hurts to walk on, still today. We let him stay home cause heās crawling from room to room and I donāt think thatās workable for school, nor do we have any kid sized mobility aids to help him. Heās been saying he wants to try again to go on his scouts camping trip this summer - had to bail last year due to bugs - but I donāt think he should! It sounds silly if you havenāt seen it but he has no discernible ankle anymore due to swelling, and thereās a blister on the bite spot. And no, thereās nothing that can really be done about it - best is Benadryl and ice, and it goes away in 3-10 days š a lot of sites describing the syndrome say the really best thing is to avoid getting bitten. lol thanks!
*actually I just looked it up in Wikipedia and it says thereās some indication that taking Zyrtec daily can make it less horrible when you do get bit! Okay we will try that.
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I finished the Lispector stories for book discussion. Next up, annotation - due in three weeks, but Iām thinking I want to push hard to do a lot of work in the next week, because in a week Iāll get the student stories for workshop and have that too. Itās all going to be okay, Iām sure, but sometimes I have a jolt when I think about how much I have to do, then reason that I can do it all and itās good, and THEN remember that I also gotta start cranking out my own creative work very soon as well, and send it to someone! Itās really happening and itās gonna be a lot!
Anyway I still think Iāll go with my plan of zooming in on the unusual punctuation choices. Or punctuation and word choice? And what sheās doing with these things is, Iād say, enhancing a feeling of the uncanny. Deliberate obfuscation of meaning via unusual word choice, and unusual punctuation hindering the process of extracting meaning. When I began the reading, I had posted about one particular sentence being frustrating - "she obscurely participated in the soft black roots of the earth." From reading the next ten assigned stories, I find that "obscurely" is an adverb she uses a lot. I thought "well maybe itās just a translation thing, and she means more like vaguely" (for whatever reason, although the meaning is similar, I can understand and am less annoyed by "vaguely.") But then I did come across "vaguely" elsewhere, so she used them in different waysā¦the word obscurely is one specific part of her technique for describing images or feelings that I canāt actually see or imagine, as part of shoving the reader into this feeling of strangeness, I think. So, I still donāt really like reading it, but I can respect it and appreciate it as influential, and I can definitely write about it.
I hate watching Jeremy leave the house for an outing and looking for things. Idk what the problem right now even is - like, he and E are going to take out a weird foldable kayak thing he got from his dad, and there is reasonably a lot of stuff theyāre wanting to bring along. Iām not going, and the plans have no impact on me (I.e. Iām not like "omg leave or else you wonāt be back in time for X!" - I donāt care what time they leave.) Heās not doing anything foolish and heās not asking me for help or doing the thing I hate of "wondering aloud to nobody in particular" where a particular item is. BUT I STILL HATE IT! I guess as an EMPATH (jk I donāt consider myself an empath for all the reasons we donāt like this word, and what I actually am is "unnaturally and unhealthily attuned to the mood in a room at most times, due to trauma") the energy that comes off someone when theyāre looking for things or trying to remember a packing list is just disruptive and vaguely unsettling.
Edit: this is small and doesnāt matter so much, nor is this conclusion at all surprising, but after making this post I reflected more on why exactly I feel this way - and yes, itās the trauma thing I was half joking about - when I sense that "trying to find this and that so I can get out of the house for a thing I want to do" energy, my instinctive internal response is "ack am I expected to do something here, am I supposed to help?" With a combination of fear ("If I donāt do something Iāll be in trouble") and resentment ("itās HIS kayaking outing, how dare he ask me to help him find everything" - even though he hasnāt.)
Because yeah, growing up, if my mom was grumphing around the house, clearly looking for something, I wasnāt supposed to just SIT there! I was to ask her whatās wrong and help her! She shouldnāt have to ask, I should just be able to tell, and hop to.