I think I’m just appreciating a little personal full-circle moment right now, and I just felt like telling you that all of the memories and articles and interviews and quotes that you’ve taken a whole lot of care in collecting mean a lot. PSH changed my life in ways that I truly cannot explain or think about without my head exploding, and in looking back over some of it, I’m having a little chuckle that so many of the collections of his words I remember seeing were actually your posts. I didn’t realize it at the time. I get to spend my life hopefully leaving people better than I found them, because he taught me how, because you made sure he lived on, and we’re all just on one big weird ride together in the continuum. Not sure if that makes any damn sense at all but I thought you’d understand. He really helped save more people than he will ever know.
Hi sorry l've been sitting on this ask for a few days. Since you sent it last weekend l've been thinking about it and you and Phil, especially with his birthday this week
Thank you so much anon I'm very moved. I don't think it's a secret I haven't posted as much on this blog over the last several months. Part of that is just a lack of new stuff about Phil, which saddens me though it makes sense. But another factor is just how my relationship to him has naturally changed and grown over time
I remember on the 10th anniversary of his death—a milestone we were all dreading—one of Phil’s sisters said something about how it felt different this time, like he was telling us it was okay to move forward and let go of old ways of honoring or remembering him in favor of new ones. Because there are always new ones. I’ve held so much guilt about letting go of any little piece of him, hearing that was such a relief. Knowing that even people who were closest to him were navigating this morass of grief and healing in new ways
Phil is still so much a part of my life—his presence is not less, just different. In some ways it’s more internal and private now, which I’m less inclined to write about daily, and I’m comfortable with that
All of that to say, I’m still so proud of this blog/archive and everything I’ve put here. I made it to share Phil Hoffman with everybody who loves him and everyone who will. I use it as my own library—if there’s something I can’t remember off the top of my head or find in my notes, I know I put it here at some point lol. I’ve met incredible people and made so many beloved friends just by talking about Phil to anyone who will listen
So it means a lot a lot to hear that you also developed such a connection with Phil and that I/this blog was part of it. Right after you sent this ask, I went through a little notebook I keep where I write to Phil (if you think the things I share here are personal, sheesh…). It had been a while since I’d read half a decade’s worth of missives and it reminded me of what you said, about being a positive influence on other people because he was a positive influence on us
Having Phil in my life has been soul-shaking. Even if I don’t feel it as intensely day in and day out as I once did, the person I am today was forged in his fires. Putting aside the grief, which has maybe taught me the most, I am so much happier and braver and hopefully kinder and more alive than I ever was before. Like the world suddenly came into color when Phil showed up for me and sharing that zest for life with other people is the only thing that matters
(And whenever I worry if I’m sounding a little melodramatic about it all, I remember it really is that deep. It was then and it is now. The intensity at which I felt everything and still do… Being an exposed nerve is a gift in many ways and that’s an unforgettable lesson from Phil)
I’m so sorry for rambling. It’s been a while since I wrote any of these ideas out and it’s a floodgate yk. But thank you again for your very kind words I really choked up reading them. Phil was and is such a beautiful person and artist and light and we are so lucky fortunate blessed to be here together with him and each other
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