Yousless AF, The Clown Office - Scotland

2 TOP CLOWNS GO....

We Apologize for our Sign - 

 - we Appear to be Encountering Some Technical Difficulties.

Why is EVERYBODY mad at us these days...?

Oh yeahhh......  Never mind.

Clown Office - Official Comment on the publication of ‘naked photos’ of Furst Clown, Elsie McSelfie   ...

The recent release of unconcealed photos of the Furst Clown is a serious situation. The Clown Office regards the anonymity of Clown Ministers in the Scottishy Gurvurnment to be a matter of state-security.  

Their pocketing of huge sums of public monies for pet projects, loans to friends, so-called ‘‘nationalization’s’, massive gambling on spurious grounds, writing off debts and ‘bribing the base’ all put them at risk - should the public ever wake up.

As a consequence, the Clown Administration of Scotland never permits ministers to be seen with a straight face.  Concealer is always used and a painted-on facade of governance is maintained.

Therefore, the unauthorized distribution by criminal, non-Named Person monitored individuals of photographs of the Furst Clown WITHOUT her normal face - shows her to be two-faced, now clearly seen for the first time.

The Clown Office is conducting an investigation and will be reviewing the activities of all subversives identified on the Alyn Smith Lists.

Furst Minister McSelfie Launches ‘Climate Emergency’ Heli-Tour

Press Release ---- Clown Office- Scotland

Immediate:

The Furst Minister, Elsie McSelfie, the leader of Scotland’s Clown Government has followed yesterday’s announcement of a Climate Emergency with the release of news of another Helicopter Tour of Scots hamlets.

Clown Office officials made McSelfie’s heli-plans public as soon as the Furst Clown gave the go-ahead.  McSelfie posed momentarily beside her specially branded high-octane 35,000 horsepower helicopter, where the newly painted ‘McSelfie for Scotland’ livery was painted with low volatile organic compound paints.  (The portrait of McSelfie herself, however, was unusually toxic and should be excluded from descriptions).

“Winter is coming” - FM McSelfie

“From mah view, looking doon on all o’ye’s, I can see a right shitty climate.  I listened to the scientific evidence fae that brilliant wee girl, the one person capable o’ takin on such a fight, Ayia Stark, and I declared a richt big whoohaah on the climate” said the Furst Clown.

“DON’T MENTION ‘Its Scotland’s Oil’ ANYMORE..!”

“So noo - we must ficht like nivvir before in SNP Clown history tae bring the climate tae an end” she added, before boarding the giant 40 seat heli-navigator-supreme, which had been idling in the background for the last 24 hours.

That McSelfie Itinerary in Full:

Monday - Fly from Charlotte Sq. to WesterHails

Monday - Fly from WesterHails to Livingston

Stop for re-fueling 

Monday - Fly from Livingston to WesterHails

Monday - Fly from WesterHails to Drylaw

Monday - Fly from Drylaw to WesterHails

Stop for re-fueling 

Monday - Fly from WesterHails to Cramond

Monday - Fly from Cramond to Barnton Roundabout

Monday - Fly from Barnton Roundabout to John Menzies

Monday - Fly from John Menzies to Greggs

Stop for re-fueling 

Monday - Fly from Greggs to Hosie’s House

Monday - Fly from Hosie’s to Cameron Toll

CLOWN OFFICE GOVERNMENT

2018 Reshuffle

CLOWN OFFICE - SCOTLAND

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

The Clown Office has been asked to comment on the cost of the transportation used by Ms Elsie McSelfie, Furst Clown of Scotland. 

Spurious comparisons have been made about how many foodbanks run on less than £25,000 a year, and the like.

The costs are irrelevant.  (As is the fact that 7 of the 11 constituencies flown to were subsequently lost to the Clown Party).  The important thing is that as Furst Clown Minister for Scotland, Ms McSerfie’s travel is no joke. 

At no time can she risk being exposed to her Govanhill constituents (who, it is reported, no roam Scotland looking for her - a) because they have not seen their MSP for years and b) because their own homes are now unfir for human habitation).

Therefore in the interests of safety and efficiency no Clown administration would do any different.

Another Fuk’n Parody...  

Means another Fuk’n Cease & Desist Letter for the Fuk’n Clown Office.  Seems like some people think Governing Scotland is just one big joke these days.  Well there is nothing funny about it...

Have you seen I Lick Salmon’s fringe?  I wouldn’t laugh at that if it was the only self-parody of a failed FM fat fuck on any stage in Scotland...!  Wait it is - and I didn’t!

RELEASE IMMEDIATE:

Official Reprimand Issued  

It gives this Office no pleasure to issue the following reprimand (see above) for the clown antics of a member of the public. 

Use of the image of Furst Minister, Elsie McSelfie, is restricted to ‘Official portraits (see below) and her own selfies.  There is no room for privately taken photographs, let alone clowning pictures, of the Furst Minister.

The fact is - Furst Minister McSelfie takes (on average) over 900 separate selfies every hour.  That supply MORE THAT adequately meets any demand for images of the Furst Minister.

It is hoped that this timely Clown Office intervention will set the record straight and there will be no more joke pictures of the Furst Minister.

END --

For additional information - or for any number of Furst Minister selfies, open any Scottish Newspaper, turn on the TV, look outside your window.

Official Portrait

Offending Item (DO NOT reproduce)

CLOWN OFFICE

FURST MINISTER McSELFIE REACTS TO BEING DENIED PLANNING PERMISSION FOR A NEW CIRCUS

IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Edinburgh

Earlier today Scotland’s top Clown Minister, Furst Minister Elsie McSelfie, reacted with anger to reports that her plans for a ‘brand new circus’ has been denied.

“Its Not #nationalcircus2″ says Clown Office

“I had perfectly good plans for a whole new circus, just like the National Circus my Guvernment sponsored 3 years ago.  I am, therefore black-affronted that the plans have been shot doon”!

McSelfie referred to the 2014 Circus organized by the Clown Office and variously calleda “Once in a lifetime Circus” and “the Mother of all Circuses”.

“I am Scotland’s top Clown, if I want a Bigtop and my ain National Circus, I should be allowed tae have it.   Whit’s the point o’ bein the Top Clown if ye cannae pit oan a circus act whenever ye want?” she sobbed.

Clowns to Press on

Vowing revenge for this slight against her Clown Administration, and dressed in the yellow, red blue and white of her usual combination of ‘the flags of Scotland’, Ms McSelfie posed for the cameras for several hours.

“Its not spelled ‘referendumb’ ok!”  says Clown Minister Spokesman

A spokesman for the Clown Government of Scotland issued a statement confirming that the Clown Office will not be denied a vote on its desire for another National Circus.  “In accordance with the wishes of the Clown Government of Scotland, other measures will be considered as referendums.  The upcoming local elections will noe be a referendum” he added.  “As will the upcoming by-election for Auch-dinnae-shoogle-maDram North, that’s a referendum.  Each vote of the Scottish Parliament (that we win) is a referendum.  Each meeting of the Clown Cabinet is a referendum.  Each trip in an overstuffed Government Clown Car, is also a referendum.  When the pizza is delivered, that’s a referendum too” said the spokesman.

Meantime, the Furst Minister returned to her first priority. only love, focus and main priority in life - teaching children to read.  She sat with some suitably photogenic examples and read to them from her Clown Government’s manifesto for the upcoming local government Referendum on the National Circus.  The children were delighted (see pictures), one commenting “I have never hear such fantastic fairy tales”.

The Furst Minister is 5′3″.

-- END --

For Further Information: Send a postcard (with any inquiries) announcing unadulterated support for a National Circus to:

CLOWN OFFICE - SCOTLAND 

-- IMMEDIATE RELEASE --

Furst Minister Visits Convention

Furst Minister, Elsie McSelfie, Leader of the Scottish Clown Government, today dropped in on her party’s gathering.  Scottish Government Clowns were gathering at the “Clownstitutional Convention” - where the Clown Party plans to re-write the rules governing a Clown Scotland.

“Yous are dayin a grand job” said the Furst Minister to a rapturous welcome of nose-honking and shouts of “F**k England”.  Ms Selfie then went on to offer some light guidance to the Clown meeting on their clownstitutional deliberations: “But see if I catch any o’ye callin it ‘Indyref2′ - ye’ll need that red honker tae cover yer broken neb - HUM I CLEAR!”  The Furst Minister’s menacingly helpful ‘suggestion’ was met with approval from the Clown audience.

“We’ urr  just happy tae dae as were’ telt” said the Convention Chair,  Calamity-Public Services, the Clown.  “No one messes with Big Elsie” adding in a whisper ‘“cept Fat Alec” smiing.

The Furst Minister has already written read the final documents of the Clownstitutiona Convention and has approved the voting results of the Convention (for the election idue to take place at the end of the week).

-- END --

CLOWN OFFICE - SCOTLAND

Official Scottish Healthcare Video 

RELEASE: IMMEDIATE

Clown Minister of Health in the SNP Clown Government has issued this video of SNP-ClownHealth-Scotland taking part in a valuable training exercise.

“The point o’ this, ken” said Health-Clown Sheepdog-Shona MSP, “is tae show oor quick response teams.  We are braw at gettin the dyin & the deid oot o’the way pronto”!

Shona Robison MSP

Further Inquiries:

Contact the Clown Office- Scotland.

CORRECTION:  Joanna Cherry QC (Queen Clown)

Today Joanna Cherry, known in clown circles as Cherry-Pop the Clown, would like to correct several statements made during an on-air during segment of Daily Politics, on the BBC on 20/1/17.

She said:

“The rest of the UK exports more real goods to Scotland that actually exist in the world - and that by comparison Scotland exports all of its lying politicians to the rest of the UK - amounting to millions of liars”.  

Clearly neither statement was remotely true.

Cherry-Pop confirms that both statements were part of the policy of the Clown Government of Scotland to say utterly absurd things, just to see if anyone is still listening.  Obviously the Clown Office still has any number of liars working and lying daily, north of the border (although they do not number in the millions).  As for volumes of exports Cherry-Pop confirms she has no clue about any of those numbers, and either makes it up at the time, or reads a tweet from one of her staff of twitter trolls.

Cherry-Pop the Clown regrets if anyone was stupid enough to be listening to her, let alone believe what she was saying.   “Taking me at my word clearly goes against what the Clown Office is trying to do and can result in me breaking Clown Government policy“ she said.  Adding: “don’t let it happen again!”

--END --

Clown Copyright - Clown Office: Scotland

Meet ‘Thicko the Clown’ 

Clown Office Minister for Sums!       (and maybe writing a new conter.. constut... contitushon for Scotland, added Thicko)!

--END --

Clown Copyright - Clown Office Scotland.

See also Parliamentary Bio - below: This is not written by or edited by, the Clown Office, honest!  (He really did just go to school, has never had a career and likes to hang out at the gym!)

Clown Office Scotland

The Clown Office Gazette is now published & available. Covering many of the details of Scotland's Clown Government. (for additional information see elsewhere on this official site).

Clown Copyright - Scottish Clown Office

Clown Minister - Clown Office, Scotland:

“Im no tae blame - cuz you oan a shit train” Says Transport Clown Minister, Humza Yousless

RELEASE:

The Scottish Clown Government’s Chief ‘Transportation & Clown Cars’ Minister, Humza Yousless, today released a dossier of evidence on the real cause of transport (particularly rail transport) failings on recent months, since he assumed this portfolio.

The Official Report clearly indicates that supernatural occurrences were the primary cause of train delays in recent months in Scotland.  Yousless noted: “When you are fighting the ‘evil eye’ I mean who you gonna call?  Its not as if the Ghostbusters are real” he said.  Adding “are they?” before looking nervously over his shoulder.

NOTE: The entire dossier has been designated ‘Classified’ for reasons of safety.

TEN Glorious Years of Clown Government in Scotland

RELEASE IMMEDIATE:

The Clown Office in Scotland is today releasing this ‘fan portrait’ of Furst Minister Elsie McSelfie.  The Furst Minister is not seen here in a photograph, but rather in an artistic rendering of her at the last Clown-Party Congress & Rally in Auchenshoogle Town Amphitheater.  Never one to turn down a photo-op, the Furs Minister regrets that this is not an “atchual potay, ken” but Ms McSelfie welcomed the portrait nonetheless:

         “Ha mean - cum oan, whae else by Elsie get their guvernment paintit by fans?  No that bag May, fur shure!” said the Furst Minister.  The Leader also remarked that she was grateful for the rendering showing the more slender figure she has worked hard to maintain: “Ha ken aw the numburs in Scoatland ur goin doon, educashon, healf, joabs, ancetera, encetera - but mah waistline better get a look in tae!  If I huv tae eat nane of the spaghetti and jam donhuts my man makes at hame (tae keep mah gurilish figure) - ha may asweel get the credit fur that dinimishin set of stats tae” she joked.*

The Portrait was created by a (defrocked) Scots Clergyman living in Bath. (Name withheld due to legal reasons - i.e. he is under investigation and has not paid his taxes and may have set fire to one or more of this own relatives).

The Clown Office will display the fan portrait on the Clown Office Site and on/in other Clown Office locations as part of the celebrations planned for this year, 2017, for the 10th Anniversary of the assumption of Clown Governance in Scotland.  (Details on the upcoming10-Glorious Years - an Anniversary Celebration, will be forthcoming.)

--END--