the clovers

Gays at Gotham

This is a slice of life Batman AU where all the rogues gallery of Gotham City are friends. Ed is a burnt out game designer, Pam grows weed on the side, Harvey is working his way through law school with his headmate Dent, Jonathan hyperfixates over spooky things, Jervis makes hypnosis audio, Mothy likes moths, Bane does indie wrestling gigs, and Harley clowns around with all of them.

They have a discord.

They are a very silly bunch.

Unbelievable, that you wouldn't want to be hypnotized. It's amazing to think about, really. I mean, if you *did* want to be hypnotized, wouldn't you keep reading?

The fact that you have a dissociative organization of your personality makes you highly vulnerable to rapid and unexpected changes in emotions and sudden impulses. Various parts of the personality intrude on each other either through passive influence or switching when your under stress, resulting in dysregulation. Merely having an emotion, such as anger, may evoke other parts of you to feel fear or shame, and to engage in impulsive behaviors to stop/avoid the feelings.”

tomboy, meaning "this child is clearly queer but let's hope it goes away"

sensitive, meaning "clearly neurodivergent and often distressed but let's keep going until they grow numb"

self-sufficient, meaning "next to zero trust in parental figures' ability in various aspects of parenting"

pssssst

guess what

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

you aren't faking

be patient. lots of times we may have unhealthy and complicated relationships with sex & the way we view ourselves and sensuality

understand that you're not at fault. crying during sexi timez or having to stop in the middle & having breakdowns are all due to our trauma n what we associate with intimacy

things can get ugly. every so often we might have a breakdown over what's happened to us. we feel violated, robbed, dirty, tainted, like our body isn't ours, we crave the innocence that was stolen from us.

even if we're recovered or recovering, it still comes up. its something we carry everywhere we go, we can't forget about it. as much as you wish we could just get over it, we can't. we've tried. it doesn't work that way.

hypersexuality & sex repulsion. we may go through cycles of being constantly h0rny or completely uninterested in sex- especially around trauma dates. it's our body & minds way of coping, they're on their own timer.

we're frustrated and tired too. it's so defeating when we have to stop in the middle of it. it feels like SHIT when we can't please you. you might feel unwanted or like we're not attracted to you, but we are. we have this mental block that's preventing us from doing what we want to do & enjoying it. it's completely our own thing & not bc you've done something.

if we have to stop, pls be understanding and gentle. it can be very easy for us to feel guilty & at fault over it.

please don't be angry towards or threaten to hurt the abuser(s)

very minuscule things could trigger flashbacks or breakdowns, we can feel pathetic for it, just pls don't view us as weak

we may change very quickly. while you miss the person we were a while back, chances are we do too. you are not the cause of these changes, it's apart of healing & possibly connected to trauma dates

it gets worse before it gets better. trauma-based/centred therapy is extremely difficult to go through. we may have more breakdowns, outbursts, flashbacks, etc. but it will get better as it goes on.

please believe, support, and listen to us. we've dealt with victim blaming (including from ourselves), ppl telling us we're lying, questioning ourselves on if it even happened, hate, etc.

take care of yourself. your happiness & well-being are extremely important.

don't be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help. we know this all affects you too. if you need to look in to counselling or support groups for yourself- please do. we'll support you 100%

don't forget or neglect your own boundaries. your limits and needs are equally important as ours.

traumatic memories, especially traumatic memories from when you were a child, are notoriously difficult to access in their entirety. there are a lot of reasons for this- dissociation, injury, and memory deteriorating over time to name a few- and this can present a challenging question to survivors: how do i know i’m not lying?

people who are faking trauma or mental illness in general know they’re faking it. if you didn’t wake up one day and plan out what a fake traumatic memory you were going to have, and all the triggers you wanted to have, then you’re not faking. 

oh god alright i did a bit of research before i answered this bc we absolutely do not want to pump misinformation out there. we aren't experts by any means. we just give a. have osdd and b. give a shit

another disclaimer, this isn't about syscourse. do not bring it here. don't. all of us have different opinions on it. anp, ep, and mp are all scientific terms, and therefore the info i'll be sticking here is purely the current data provided by the theory of structural dissociation. nothing more. you can reblog but please do not ask us personally about syscourse

anyway

anp is short for apparently normal part and it's generally used as a term to describe a part that was formed to handle the menial tasks of day to day living. they're typically not trauma holders and tend to be experts at avoiding any and every reminder of trauma, as anp's aren't really equipped to deal with them while continuing daily chores

ep is short for emotional part and it's a part formed to handle and hold the memories of trauma experienced far, faar away from the anp so that daily living is affected the least amount possible. ep's are typically unaware of the present or that any time has passed since the traumatic moment, and are stuck in a perpetual state of reliving their experiences

mp is short for mixed part and it's a rarer term but describes a part which shows signs of being both an ep and anp. this can happen in polyfragmented systems where individual alters can themselves have ep's and anp's

these parts can present themselves very, very differently depending on the type of dissociation we're talking about though

primary structural dissociation: described as one anp and one ep - found in post-traumatic stress disorder. the anp contains most of the memories, day to day function, and personality held prior to the experienced trauma, and the ep does not have a different sense of self, the ability to recognize that the trauma is no longer happening, or any amnesiac barriers between it and the anp

secondary structural dissociation: described as one anp and multiple ep's. found in cptsd, bpd, and most cases of osdd-1. cptsd experiences anp's and ep's in much the same way that ptsd does, but has more ep's. bpd has more differentiated ep's and a less defined anp, which may cause identity confusion and feelings of emptiness in the anp, but no amnesiac barriers or differentiated sense of self between parts. osdd-1 systems will experience either amnesiac barriers between the anp and ep's, but without a sense of fully differentiated identities, or differentiated identities without full amnesiac barriers between them, however in both cases ep's tend to be more fully developed than can be found in cptsd or bpd and are not necessarily frozen in the time of the traumatic incident

tertiary structural dissociation: described as multiple anp's and ep's. found in DID and some cases of OSDD-1. anp's are not considered to hold most of the personality of the system and ep's are more developed, often growing with experiences and not as stuck in the period of time of the trauma

quatrenary structural dissociation: not... super a thing but nevertheless used by some theorists to describe the existence of mp's in polyfragmented systems, wherein not only may a system have multiple anp's and ep's, but alters themselves may have their own anp's and ep's and therefore display signs of being both an anp and ep as a result

Like a lot of survivors, we have a hard time to recognize emotions.

For different people of us, some emotions were “forbidden”, while they were expected to always “feel” others.

(We are aware that a lot of people who were not programmed or did not survive abuse are also feeling numb, or pretend to feel something they don’t, but as we write from our perspective, we are writing this from the point of view of someone who was…)

For instance, our main presenters were forced to always smile. We remember how often we were reprimanded not to look sad by the family and even by their friends – all were in the group. We weren’t even aware of our sadness then – we were in our habitual numb/”happy” mode.

~~*~~

Programmed emotions

For us, one of the most important things to learn when trying to find out what we were really feeling was to learn to differ between programmed emotions and genuine emotions.

Programmed emotions are what we call those we had not only to display, but were also expected to feel (by the abusers).

As some examples –

For the presenters, this was happiness, gratefulness, “positive thinking” etc.

For others of us, this was rage and contempt.

For still others, it was “love” and arousal.

We were supposed to actually feel these things, and, as far as I know, we did a very good job.

Nothing we are too proud of, to be honest.

~~*~~

Our precondition: Habitual numbness

Sadly, numbness is our (presenters) usual state. Most of the time, we only feel shadows of emotions, doesn’t matter whether “good” or “bad”. Actually feeling anything is terrifying to us.

This enables us, of course, to “wear” feelings like masks, as our actual feelings are not getting in the way. We know how to copy the feelings that were expected of us very well indeed. We know what they feel like, but we don’t have to feel them to show them to outside.

Only, we were expected to.

We were not only expected to act it, but also to actually feel it (more convincing, of course). And we tried to. We have become very good at convincing ourselves to feel something we don’t actually feel.

To go through the motions of feeling a feeling without feeling it.

(It was that or else, as usual.)

~~*~~

How we recognize programmed emotions

First of all, it is important to differ between these kinds of emotions and emotions resulting from trauma. Obviously, these overlap, or rather, this habitual numbness and the programming emotions on top of it are of course achieved by trauma or constant intimidation, humiliation etc.

We are talking here about recognizing the result – which are not the emotions from the trauma (which are shoved safely into the “shadow realm”), but those we tried to adapt.

Some things we have noticed about programmed emotions is that at first glance (and we were never allowed to look further), they feel very very strong, even overpowering.

But once we dared to look closer, we found that they also feel wrong somehow, foreign, weak, and, most importantly, hollow.

Like a shield over a vast space of emptiness.

We have learned by now that for us, genuine emotions feel as if they go all the way down. In most cases, they don’t make it all the way up to the presenters, as we said, but they go deep.

The programmed emotions are the opposite – they are only on the surface, and don’t go down at all.

~~*~~

Recognizing genuine emotions

After we cut off contact to all of those who abused us, our presenters very quickly dropped this act. It was amazing to see. They have always disgusted having to do this.

What is more difficult to let go, though, is the numbness. Feeling, for our presenters, is fucking terrifying. And thus, they mostly don’t.

It is as if all their emotions are under transparent lids. They could know what’s going on there of they looked, but they usually don’t, and they also don’t feel it.

Most of the time, they also block others’ emotions, even when they are overwhelmingly strong. That’s why we often have a hard time figuring out what we actually feel.

One sure sign that we feel very strongly is that the emotions start to appear and are suddenly completely gone.

We have found our body, another thing we never listened to, and also some of our “habits”, to be very good sources of information on that topic.

Recently (after writing this), we have discovered that writing tips for authors of fiction can be a great resource to figure out body language - there are charts and tables for what emotion can be displayed by what kind of body language. Can only recommend!

We’ll write a list here with things we have noticed so far… mostly about feelings that are always there, somehow, and that are problematic for us – fear, anger, and sadness.

(These are the ones we feel comfortable writing about at this time, at least… or have dared to look at, in contrast to some of the others.)

~*~

Fear

Fear underlies our numbness, and, like that, is also always there. When we are even more terrified than usual, we notice that

~ we need to or do go to the toilet every few minutes

~ our pulse is higher than usual

~ we feel sick

~ we eat a lot without being hungry

~ we distract ourselves (read and/or watch fictional stuff)

-> and both with eating and distraction, it feels as if the world ends if we don’t do it

When it gets really bad,

~ we start to tremble and hyperventilate

~ we feel as if we are floating

~ our movements become sloppy

~ we run into things more than usual

~ drop things, knock things over etc.

~ sometimes we also start to cry randomly (which is, as always, choked immediately. But it’s there)

~ some of the girls come up and paint our face (make us look really feminine, dress in something nice and not baggy for a change, which weirds us out… but we have our suspicions about why they only feel safer if they are “beautiful”)

Anger

We can allow ourselves to see this one pretty well by now, also difficult not to notice when it’s acute, but when it’s underlying and festering, to us it looks somewhat like this:

~ we become very logical and cold

~ clench our teeth

~ deeper, more relaxed voice

~ bring things in order, arrange things, tidying up, cleaning (also a sign of fear for us, though)

~ very controlled and deliberate movements

~ sometimes, we tremble a little

~ very self-confident all of a sudden…

(This is, obviously, before we explode – which happens mostly inside, though, too.)

Sadness

Now that’s one we are really afraid of. Like fear, though, it is always there.

~ nausea

~ starting to cry (which is always choked immediately)

~ spacing out

~ body pain

~ slow movements

~ feeling weak

~ more tired than usual

~ eat more than usually

~ distract ourselves (similar to fear, but listlessly and not really caring about what we distract ourselves with)

~ numbness

~ depression

One that goes for all of these three being stronger than usual is feeling as if we have to cut. Very sure sign. (And we try to treat it as such. A sign. Information. Not an imperative…)

We hope that this can help someone… and we’d love to see additions if any of you want to share!

stop spreading misinformation that you can have alters without a dissociative disorder.

stop saying you should be able to identify every alter and have wonderful, perfect communication all the time.

stop saying we're gatekeeping our own fucking disorders caused by trauma.

we aren't your way out of having consequences for your actions, even if an alter in a system does something you have to apologize and try to get them to change their behavior because it's your fault too and your alters' actions are your responsibility.

This can be applied to any feeling. I’ve tried this with my anxiety, depression, dpdr (depersonalization/derealization), CPTSD, PTSD, anxiety attacks.

there’s always a reason as to why you feel the way you feel. Some event in your life made you where you would be seen by someone else as being “irrational” if something remotely related to that initial stressful event would happen again. So technically our body isn’t being irrational, but trying to protect us. Even though we understand at that irrational moment nothing is actually happening that should be making us be feeling this way—even if it’s ridiculous and isn’t connected to any type of event prior—it is still happening. The fact our body is reacting to it and is feeling overwhelmed we shouldn’t feel that we are being irrational but be gentle with ourselves like a parent soothes their child.

I’ve started validating how I was feeling and accepting that something triggered me even if I don’t know what it was and/or just an over exaggeration. Because If you tell yourself “I’m overreacting I’m just being irrational why can’t I just be calm like everyone else”, this completely gaslights yourself (denies your own reality). In essence our body freaks out more because instinctually this does feel like a reason to be anxious to our body. When I validate I accept that this is happening even if I think it’s wrong and I shouldn’t be feeling this. I validate and accept that this is how I’m feeling even if it’s from something small.

Then I dive into the feeling. This part feels very impossible to do if you’ve never done it before but trust me the fear of facing/feeling fully the fear is greater than actually feeling it. Over time the more we deny our feelings and thoughts, we become more and more disconnected with ourself. It becomes hard to enjoy life fully and numbs out a part of us we actually really need to pay attention to. Our negative emotion is a direct path to finding how to make us feel better. It’s like a symptom from a cold, you have to first accept that you have symptoms of an illness to then be able to diagnose and then treat that sickness. You have to first accept you are having this emotion to be able to find the root of the problem and to then come up with a plan to “fix” the problem.

When I first validated and dived into my anxiety I very quickly felt calmer. It was the first time I was ever actually present with myself and I’ve been having panic attacks since I was almost 5 from abuse. It took me awhile though so what I’m saying here is it isn’t easy at all. In fact if you believe you can’t do this by yourself do this with a therapist or a family member or friend that understands you and what you’re going through. When I first did it I had been crying and hyperventilating for over an hour then suddenly I remembered something I read about being present with yourself through hard moments. Then I just decided to try it, because what the hell I already am losing my shit why not try something different for once. So I validated myself and made myself open to feel whatever it was that felt like it was going to burst in my chest. I closed my eyes and I heard silence, my rushing thoughts had stopped, the room had stopped spinning, and I felt better.

Not every time does this happen. One time I did this and instead of feeling relief I actually felt the pain inside of me first. It was so painful! I have no idea how else to describe it but it was so much grief it felt like the pain of losing your soulmate and your family type of grief. When I opened myself up I allowed however much time I needed. So I felt this pain for 40+ minutes; just ugly sobbing on the floor in my kitchen. I was trying my best to let me handle this situation naturally without forcing myself to do anything or to feel anything. I just wanted to let my emotions flow through and out of me. At one point I naturally felt the urge to accept whatever upset me. I accepted that it happened and I decided to use the rain to grow and not to be drowned anymore by it. So .. I hugged myself. I hugged myself and kept saying “it’s okay. There is a reason why I’m feeling this and it’s okay. I’m here now with you (myself) I’m here. I’m not leaving this time.” I said this to myself 7x before I calmed down. A few times after this event I did the same method again but I didn’t have to cry so much to feel better. But another time after I had cried a bit more. Based on how big the situation is impacting you depends on how long you need to sit with yourself to do this process. I’m sure in my future I will have to sit with myself for days, months probably years before I can accept and let go so I can form a plan to move forward. And this is completely fine if you feel this is you.

So I learned that telling yourself you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, and think the way you think is the biggest form of self betrayal you could ever do. So with the example of anxiety: when I read a ton of times people saying facing your fears will help you overcome it I would get pissed off because obviously in my mind they didn’t understand anxiety especially anxiety disorders. What I learned though is that phrase can be looked at another way: it’s not always literally facing your fear physically, but facing the fear mentally.

For people with anxiety disorders it can take a couple to a whole bunch of times to get past that one fear. Which is why exposure therapy works so well for anxiety disorders: it’s the only time you ever have to purposely try to be in that moment with the fear, to be with yourself in that moment. Where overtime the fear gets less and less. Our body isn’t scared of the actual fear most of the time, it’s usually scared of what we think will be the outcome of that fear based on an experience or hearing something bad happening to someone else. It’s all in the mind and that’s the first place you should learn to be present with when all you want to do is run or disappear from whatever’s causing the anxiety. What’s the first thing a regular parent does when seeing their child upset? They sit with them. Then they tell them it’s okay to feel the way they do: giving them permission to feel. And then they give advice to move forward. This process should be done with every relationship we have with others and ourself.

All of this can be applied to any emotion good or bad. I say good because some people find it hard to accept happiness. The first step is to validate your feelings! Accept that this is happening and it was caused by something big or small or nothing at all and that’s fine. Working towards moving on would to be to be more open to future happiness.

You can take this model of validating, accepting, letting go/moving forward, and transform your entire life. being present with your own thoughts, feelings, emotions has to be done first and only then can you work forward to heal, grow, or let go.

My advice is to do this when you’re in a crisis and can’t reach any help. Do this when you have a very strong emotion that you find yourself to be pushing against. You can do this actually whenever you want. You can start off with small emotions and work your way up. For DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) do this whenever you want. DPDR is an intense form of disconnection that causes dissociation. Learning to be present with any emotion will help you to over time become more and more connected with yourself. If you find yourself really hesitant to do this, that’s perfectly fine. Just know that the more hesitant you are the more you know in the future you need to attempt this process. The more hesitant you are the more intense the emotion is from past self rejection: your body can become so disconnected from continuous self rejection that your subconscious doesn’t trust you to stay present and therefore will make it harder for you to access that part of yourself. This can be done by creating extreme fear and panic the closer you get to feeling. This can be done by blocking a memory you can’t access. Theres lots of ways your mind can block or distract you from reaching a memory or feeling that was too painful for your past self to handle. This is done out of protection for that part of you and for yourself as well, so both parts within you don’t have to confront whatever is causing your intense emotion. This is why I strongly suggest doing this under the guidance of a therapist whether in session or not.

So I made a few…dozen…posts on twitter about my experiences being neurodivergent. They’re a roughly 60/40 split between being autistic and having adhd with heavy overlap. They take the form of a parent in denial saying “My child is neurotypical” and the response of “Your child is X” where X is a common neurodivergent experience phrased as if coming from a teacher.

(I’ll be updating these as I make more)

Classroom

Your child was a pleasure to have in class

Your child can’t focus unless they’re playing with something

Your child has awful handwriting

Your child is tapping their foot through class

Your child just needs to apply themselves. They can clearly do the work but keep making silly mistakes

Your child had a breakdown over not getting all their homework done

Your child is quiet and struggling to stay on task

Your child thinks school was indistinguishable from torture but struggles without the structure

Your child needs outside structure or they can’t figure out what to do first

Sensory - Sound

Your child hears the CRT TV noise (double this if they hate it)

Your child needs to cover their ears any time you use a blender

Your child wants to know where that buzzing is coming from

Your child can tell if the fridge has been opened recently from the other room

Sensory - Touch

Your child can’t wear rough or slippery fabrics

Your child hates any texture beyond flannel (any other distinctive texture works too)

Your child hates tags on clothing

Your child overheats in thick socks

Your child wears sportswear but hates sports (@checkerfired1 on twitter)

Your child thinks water has a strange texture

Your child finds showering exhausting but also doesn’t want to get out at the end

Your child can’t stand the feeling of oil on their skin

Sensory - Light

Your child sat in the dark from noon til sunset before starting their day

Your child thinks sunlight is ‘too much’

Memory

Your child forgot they were hungry halfway through making dinner

Your child has had midnight new years pass by because they forgot to wait for it

Your child can’t keep a grasp on time

Your child is confused about how it’s already evening

Your child has over 50 tabs open in chrome

Your child can only ‘wing it’ because they always forget what they planned to say

Your child made a list of what they needed to do and forgot to check it

Your child came up with a ‘my child is neurotypical’ post but forgot

Stimulation

Your child can’t focus without background music

Your child thinks everybody is exhausted after conversations

Your child drinking caffeine is like a roulette wheel in its effects

Your child struggles thinking while seated

Your child likes to constantly be chewing on something

Your child finds crowds overwhelming

Your child finds existing at night less exhausting

Sleep

Your child is reading this in the middle of the night

All of your child’s friends live on the opposite side of the world because they can’t maintain a traditional sleep schedule

Your child had midnight new years pass by because they’re normally awake well past then even as an adult

Your child has trouble quieting their brain to sleep

Dyspraxia

Your child is extremely klutzy

Your child’s phone typing is riddled with typos

Empathy

Your child felt guilty for bumping into the table

Your child is painfully uncomfortable watching shows with awkward situations

Your child cries even thinking about somebody being in pain

Your child is extremely trusting with new people they just met

Emotions

Your child has lots of mood swings

Your child hates compliments because they’re sure they’ll disappoint and alienate anyone who thinks anything good about them (from @MaebyIsSweet on twitter)

Sharing

Your child shares extremely personal experiences with people they just met

Your child can talk for hours about the same subject without getting tired

Communication

Your child learned nonverbal communication from the family dog/cat

Your child gets frustrated because people can’t understand them

Your child has been discussing the same topic for 30 minutes without taking a break to breath

Your child tends to speak repetitively - they may feel somewhat scripted

Your child feels like an alien sent to observe humans

Your child cries when instructions aren’t clear enough

Your child communes with animals because they make more sense than people

Your child doesn’t see the point of small talk

Your child finds comfort in the scriptedness of small talk

Your child is anxious about misreading people’s intentions

Your child is anxious about contacting somebody because they think it’s too last second

Your child gets frustrated when instruction manuals skip steps

Your child is constantly anxious about misunderstanding

Your child needs subtitles to hear anything

Your child has times they struggle to make words

Consistency (Anxiety)

Your child asks for the same meal every time they come home

Your child watched a single movie more than 3 times in one day

Your child feels anxious watching new movies or tv shows

Your child nearly has a stress breakdown if plans change last second

Your child’s anxiety spikes every time you ask them a question

Your child has a favourite song they’ve listened to for a week straight

Your child finds split second decision making stressful

Your child gets anxious if they don’t exactly follow their daily routine

Masking

Your child can pick up accents easily

Your child grew up wishing they could just go live in the forest away from people

Your child gets anxious when you ask aabout their day

Your child emotionally relates to fictional characters more than real people

Your child has said ‘I just don’t have the energy to act human right now’

Your child has described people as ‘just too much’

Your child was so ashamed of being different they tried to reshape their personality so people would like them

Misc ones I haven’t really sorted yet

Your child is protective and doesn’t like anybody new coming into their room

Your child wishes it was easier to get up and do what they need to

Your child is confused by how other people relate to their gender

Your child thinks their functioning is an inconvenience to people

Your child is either ‘on’ or ‘off’ and there is no in between

Your child gets stuck in excitement feedback loops with their friends

Your child is convinced they just aren’t working hard enough

Your child is on their third hobby this week

Your child spaces out randomly during the day

Your child considers every step of getting dressed an individual task they have to do (from @sisi7304 on twitter)

Your child differentiates between food they like and food they think is good (@sweetmoonpigeon on twitter)

Your child has severe imposter syndrome about whether they’re neurodivergent ‘enough’

Your child isn’t sure what they’re supposed to do to be a man or a woman