Experiences in being a repressed trans girl
So, in the 6th grade I discovered I was queer, and in the 7th I expanded my queerness and went on to discover more about myself. But in the 8th grade, i discovered and figured out something very important about myself.
My friend gave me a fluffy pink fleece jacket, and i wore some dangly little earrings to school a few times. And my naive, little 8th grader brain decided "oh yeah I can just totally transition in this radically conservative small town!" Well the result of that is obviously, no, no you cant girly. So, I toned it down. I drove myself crazy worrying and eventually I detransitioned.
Well, detransitioned for like, a few months.
Nearing the end of that school year I gave it another go. I had given away my pink sweater (not that it was cold enough to wear it at that time) and I got given a grey, lacey cardigan I wore with a brown turtleneck (which i was DYING in, but its about the message) and I wore that like... once. I felt... happy. I felt whole. But i felt nervous.
When i got outed as queer when i put a little homemade flag on my wall, my dad made me take it down, but said no matter what my sexuality was, he would support me. So i thought "maybe if I wear this in front of my dad and explain what it means for me, he'll understand and support me."
I got home, wearing my brown turtleneck (which i already wore often) and my grey cardigan, and immediately my dad said "what the hell are you wearing... thats a womans cardigan." And asked me why i was wearing it. I told him "dad, i think im a girl" and he just told me to shut up and that I wasnt a girl. That i was a man and that it was ridiculous that we were even having that conversation.
He threw my cardigan away. And i knew not to fish it out because he threw a rainbow pride flag i got from my LOVELY friend and biggest supporter in the burn barrel. I saved it and gave it to my then gf so its fine, but he was pissed i had done that.
So, i gave it up. I was always open to feminine things like makeup and stuff my queer friends were into, but I never revisited this possibility. I pushed it away. And i never felt whole again. I even had a spout of gender dysphoria so bad that I learned to tuck my parts and i wore leggings to bed every night. But still, i never tried to be a girl again.
But this year, Ive felt more lost than ever. Im 18 now and i graduated last may. I got arrested for shoplifting, and even tho they let me go, they could have put me away forever and i wouldnt have cared. But about a month ago, i read a comic named Doghaus.
Doghaus is a comic about a GenZ aged, lesbian young woman named Maggie (portrayed as a dog, as are everyone in this comic) whos going to college, and through it all, she's lost. She doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. I felt... so much connection with her. Her mental health struggles. Her feelings of not being hnderstood by her family. I felt her story more than anything else in a long time. I felt... close to something. I felt... envious. Of who she was. Of what she meant to me in my mind.
I was dating a girl at the time, and honestly, randomly, id genuinely ask "baby, if i was a girl would you still love me." This is a sentiment that would come up in my kind often. "What if" i was a girl. I always thought "if i had the choice, id definitely be a girl." And "if transitioning wasnt so hard, id be a trans girl right now." But until i opened up my.mind more, and resonated with this comic, i didnt put the pieces together.
Which is funny! Because i love music by trans women (stomach book, femtanyl, fem&m) i watch videos about trans memes and subreddits by people like the click and onetopic. Some of my favourite youtubers are transfeminine youtubers like JuneCPU and Melody Nosurname. And until this BLASTED comic by Moowsie, i didnt open my mind enough to think of that possibility.
But it wasnt just that comic. I broke up with my girlfriend. She was emotionally unavailable, and I was done. We had tried dating a few times before with the same problem almost every time. And now were done for good. But after, i would look at art and id see beautiful women, and i knee damn well i didnt want to date them, i wasnt ready yet! But i still felt a longing... and that longing from multiple sources made me think "do i want to be her?" And my brain just... fit.
It fit! It finally fit! I knew what was wrong!!! I was forcing myself to be someone i wasn't.
All of a sudden I wanted to go to school. I wanted to learn how to drive and to get a job so i could be independent and be free and be myself goddamn it! I wanted to be myself. I wanted to be a woman, and i am a woman.
I dont need estrogen right now, i dont need hormone blockers or HRT, i dont even need to try overly hard to look like a woman. One day when i can afford it, ill get my gender affirming care so i can be myself, but right now, im so much happier just... being a woman.
Ive already mostly socially transitioned online and among my closest supportive friends and even to my nana. One of my friends said "welcome to womanhood" and i almost fucking cried. Well... actually I am crying rn out of joy just typing this out but, still.
So, hi. Im Juniper, but you can call me Juno. <3 And im so happy to finally feel like myself again.
