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IF YOUR DOM/DOMME IS USING THINGS LIKE LOCKING YOU OUTSIDE IN FREEZING COLD TEMPERATURES, SLEEP DEPRIVATION, FOOD RESTRICTION, ETC. AS "PUNISHMENTS"...GET OUT.

YOUR PUNISHMENTS SHOULD NEVER BE SOMETHING YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH.

IF YOUR DOM/DOMME IS USING "PUNISHMENTS" AS A WAY TO FORCE YOU INTO DOING THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO...GET OUT

PUNISHMENTS SHOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU FEELING HURT OR CONFUSED.

In BDSM there are three separate forms of power exchange. In no particular order:

Sadism & Masochism

Topping & Bottoming

Domination & Submission

Sadism & Masochism is the exchange of power through pain. Spanking, flogging, whipping, caning, CBT, nipple torture, even rough sex. Like feeling a little pain with your pleasure? You’re a masochist. Does making someone hurt bring you pleasure? You’re a sadist. Can you be both? Absolutely. I think most of us are, in subtle ways. (My Domme pointed out it was rather sadistic of me to tease my dog with a treat to make him do cute tricks.)

Topping & Bottoming is the exchange of power through sex. One of you is in control of the situation, whether it’s just for this roll in the hay, or every single time with your partner. That person is topping. The passive, or controlled one is bottoming. So if it’s being held down or tied up during sex, or begging for an orgasm, or edging someone until they cry… that is sexual power exchange. Can you be a top and a bottom? Oh, yes, you can. You can even do it in the same romp, if that’s what works for you and your partner.

Domination & Submission is the exchange of power through emotions and intimacy. D/s (the shorthand for this) is about rules, structure, discipline, and protocol. And that can be as intense as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, or as simple as calling your husband ‘Sir’ or ‘Daddy’ because he said so. In between is a WORLD of amazing ways to exchange power mentally.

Rules are set in place with a purpose -not just because they’re sexy. Rules are things like: Check in via text when you leave work (so I know you’re on the road and shouldn’t text). Send a photo of your outfit every morning (so I can see how beautiful you look today, and compliment you). Work out four times a week (because I want to help you stay healthy).

Protocols are similar, they are standards of behavior, such as the way you talk to and address your partner, hand them a drink, carry yourself when others are around, or present yourself to them in varying situations. Protocols are brilliant for reinforcing the D/s dynamic. Broadly speaking, you’re not often reminded of protocols unless you misstep. So something as simple as remembering to stand to your girlfriend’s left and wait quietly if she’s talking to someone at a party can reinforce your submission to her.

Discipline is about reinforcing the dynamic and enforcing rules and protocols. Mistakes are made, rules forgotten. We’re all human. That is when discipline comes in. The transgression is addressed, punishment handed out, and then the slate is wiped clean. Add in some affection after the fact and you’ve just reinforced everything you are working towards together. The intimacy required for this is pretty damn intense, and it’s important to know each other well before diving in.

Structure is key in a D/s dynamic, because without consistency, it can all fall apart. Rules that aren’t enforced are unlikely to be followed. A Dom who allows his sub to get away with everything isn’t likely to keep the respect he has earned. And respect and reverence are part and parcel of the whole kneeling thing. Likewise, a submissive who is constantly fighting the rules she agreed to isn’t respecting the dynamic, and isn’t doing her part to make it work. D/s is a lot of work for both partners, and isn’t something to be jumped into too quickly or taken lightly.

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Now, to review, you can mix and match the forms of power exchange however suits you and your partner(s). And it is often different from one partner to the next. Some people fit the classic roles of Dom/Top/Sadist and Sub/Bottom/Masochist. Some people switch between sadism and masochism, while always remaining a Dom and top. Some people switch between topping and bottoming. Do you see the point I’m getting at here?

You can be any combination of those six roles in any given relationship, and that includes NOT being one of them, even when, traditionally, the others may apply.

Wanting to be in control in the bedroom does NOT automatically make you a Dom. (Say it again for the fuckboys in the back.)

Enjoying rough sex and spanking does NOT automatically make you a sub.

And you can very well be a Dom who doesn’t physically punish his sub or enjoy rough sex. And you can easily be a submissive who does not get spanked.

The definition of these terms is much broader than my summary, and will differ from person to person. Don’t pigeonhole yourself by feeling you need to adhere to a stereotypical definition of any of these terms or roles.

You can ask how long it will take for the pizza to get to you, and they will tell you how far away a dispatcher is.

My flat-mate’s date for the night was almost as drunk as her.  She had passed out in her room and locked the door.  He refused to leave because he wanted to have sex.  He also demanded food because he was dealing with “whiskey dick”.  He didn’t like the lack of food in the fridge.  I called 911, did the stuff stated above, and he was getting PISSED about how long the “order” was taking.  He took my phone, demanded they “hurry the fuck up”.  Police arrived two minutes later, arrested him, and helped me file a police report.  Pressing charges wasn’t necessary because he had warrants on him from THREE different states for the very thing he planned to do to me.  Several months after this happened one of the officers informed me he was charged with two felonies because he crossed stay lines, and will be serving no less than 35 years in prison.  The officer ripped into my flat-mate about her bringing home complete strangers, while drunk, knowing full well this shit could happen. 

This was 14 years ago.  

Do the pizza order, do it as calmly as you can.  The dispatcher I spoke to said things like this:

“If he’s drunk say you want mushrooms.”  I said I want extra mushrooms.

“If he’s threatening you with sexual assault say you want onions.”  I said I want onions.

She went like this with different toppings and sauces for a description of him, like pineapple if he’s blonde, black olives if he’s tall, extra large if he’s tall, etc.

January 1, 2021: Late Afternoon

Hi there Anon. Pip loves getting her hair pulled during playtime. She often will help me out by putting it in a ponytail, and occasionally I get pigtails to use as handlebars. We definitely do the hair pulling over here.

When it’s loose and I want to pull it, everything stops a second so I can reach down and gather it up. Make sure they’re holding as close to the base of the scalp as possible. The more hair the better. If you’re dealing with short hair, you push your fingers in like comb and then make a fist. Make sure you have enough hair in there, or bail. Hair can get too short to be pulled on effectively. Perhaps your partner is pulling too hard too. They should just be looking to get some tension going. Nobody needs to be lifted up by the hair. 

I hope some of this give you things to think about and helps anon. 

December 2, 2020: Afternoon

Good day to you Miss and thank you for your thoughtful question. I have not seen dynamics where the Dominant has rules to follow, at least not in the same way I am familiar with Dominants giving submissives rules to follow. I would say the best Doms have rules for themselves. Standards of care and behavior which are of upmost importance to the Dom, but not spelled out or enforceable by the submissive partner. 

This is not to say what you have proposed is not advised or possible within a dynamic. I have certainly seen littles who have created whimsical lists of rules which they have presented to their Daddy, and while I think most of the times it inspires an endearing smirk, I’m sure a good Daddy would read those things and take them to heart going forward, providing they were on the reasonable spectrum. I’m sure a relationship between two Switches might result in a dynamic which includes a set of rules for both partners. I am glad to meet someone for whom it is utilized and working. Thanks for sharing. 

So communication and guidelines are set. Your submissive draws the lines. You work out together if any of those lines could be drawn any differently.

Then, you can colour how you want, but always within those lines.

And when I say this I do not mean just in a sexual way. This works in general caring of your submissive. They may say can you choose underwear but you know they have a sore tummy so choose underwear that won't hurt her.

So yes, I do believe in guidelines for Dominants rather than rules in a traditional sense.

August 18, 2020: Morning

“Grooming is when an adult engages in predatory conduct to prepare a child or young person for sexual activity at a later time. Grooming can include communicating and/or attempting to befriend or establish a relationship or other emotional connection with the child.”

I’m sorry but we see things very differently Anon. I believe that there are things that should not be introduced to children. I believe power exchange dynamics are one of them. What you describe above is the textbook definition of grooming, and I don’t condone it in any way. I think that BDSM gets a bad rep because it attracts predators, misogynists and abusive men. Because it attracts such people, I believe it is especially important to keep children away from BDSM. Sorry we don’t see eye to eye on this one. 

Let’s see how this one lands. This post is a little twist on people who talk about men leading with their dicks.

Recently I’ve spent a little time adopting a community predator, and creating a post designed to keep others watchful and wary about his presence within it. In the process, one of his little minions came to let me know what she thought about me attacking her favorite blogger. I let her know she missed a few things, and that I though she needed to pay better attention to what was right in front of her. 

The amount of red flags one can see on his blog is staggering. The only reason you can miss them, is either because you don’t know what red flags to look for, or because you’re letting the pussy lead. 

Don’t let a man who talks to you in a way you’ve dreamed to be talked to turn your brain off, because he makes your pussy wet. Don’t let that stop you from asking prudent questions. Don’t let that stop you from making prudent observations. All the best internet predators, the ones that really get good at it, and do it over and over again, will know how to talk to you. They’ll know how to disarm you, or make you question yourself. They will get you to give them things, without offering you anything else in return. One day you wake up and realize you don’t know shit about who you are talking to, while he has a phone full of your nudes and way more personal information than you have about him. When he finally hurts you, or things become difficult, or challenging, he’ll be out the door. Gone without a trace.

That’s the nicest version of what you get when you turn your brain off for an internet predator. Turn it off harder, and we open the book on ideas like consent violations, abuse, and rape. I get it… it’s fun… it’s exciting… but brains first people…please. Stay safe.