Clockwork Circus System

I just wanted to make a note about how things are going bc I haven’t really used this blog much lately and I just wanted to post a quick thing to say that we’re okay and stuff. I’ve still been doing cbt and so I’ve mainly been using the journal on there, as well as using a note-taking app to write stuff down with so I haven’t really had as much use for this blog as I normally would, though haz has still been using it at times

Another thing we’ve been meaning to say is that Haz from now on is going to go by Zak online but doesn’t mind if close friends and people from his canon still call him Haz or Teru. That also makes it easier for me bc I feel much safer being open about being kin with the character than I did before and it feels a lot less awkward lmao

I’m also trying to work towards getting assessed for bpd atm so that’s also a thing and I’ll probably talk about that when and if it happens. I’ve also started looking into possibly seeing a specialist in DIDOSDD, as difficult as that’s going to be. I also started volunteering at a horse and pony sanctuary and I’ll probably be going on employment support allowance in the meantime. 

So yeah I just wanted to make a quick note to say we’re okay really and I hope our followers are too c:

It’s really scary for us in many ways honestly, we’re pretty terrified. But it’s for the best and probably the right time in many ways, especially considering personal stuff that has been happening over the past couple of weeks, the situation is just escalating slowly and there’s not much cbt alone can do about it. I personally am getting pretty tired and I’ve been trying to keep everything upright but it’s just getting harder and harder for us to cope alone

We’ll also be writing a cover letter for a job at buildabear and hopefully applying there, but had a small breakdown over that earlier and keep being hesitant as it’s so scary for us

As for cbt that’s been going alright I guess. Can’t say much for it myself but Jess at least seems to be finding it useful in boosting her behaviour and identifying emotions

That’s all really, just figured we should maybe update ya’ll on general life stuff seen as we don’t really post here as often. We have a private vent instead.

I’d like something that sounds similar to Teru/////mi, but something that sounds similar to Haza//////ma would be fine too. I have a couple of ideas, but if anyone has anymore, that’d be cool. 

So, who’s coming to the funeral?

i fucking DIED?

Is it weird that literally I sometimes lately have been convincing myself that I don’t actually have osdd but it makes me feel really at peace with myself for a short time? Like literally, it’s a passing thought like “you don’t have osdd. You have no trauma. You’re fine.” That just seems to come out of nowhere

Like if it’s just that set of thoughts then it actually comforts me, but rn I feel Bad or I’m starting to bc there was a “so you should stop pretending” on the last set of thoughts and now I feel like such a bad person bc What If I Am Pretending? God forbid sometimes I panic that I might even be Neurotypical and that I’ve been appropriating terms and illnesses all along and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to die

it’s a consistent thing, too. I feel like writing it in my cbt journal bc I’ve never been able to explain it to a therapist before (until now everything was speech therapy and I’ve never been good with keeping up with a written journal, but this is an online thing which I’m much better with explaining onand the therapist checks it every 2 weeks) 

Like literally I told her I had low energy levels for that day. I’d done something else that needed doing and I was super proud of myself for doing it already. Then she literally crushed that, knowing that I’d not been feeling too good and I just. idk. If I don’t bring it up now a week later I’ll have either forgotten it ever happened or I’ll start trying to justify it (which I already am) so idk.