No one would even care

I do love you. I think that’s part of the worst of it. I love you. I care for you deeply. I want to return to those easy bright days where I could send you a dozen messages from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I miss updating you on every small thing. I miss seeing romantic content about the first person u wanna share everything with and the person u wanna see and my thought being you. I don’t have that anymore. I see that stuff n it makes me wanna cry. I don’t know. I don’t see that future.

I think of the mint kitchen and the starry wedding. The cozy house with the big porch and the sectional in the living room. I think of how I planned to wake up next to you. How many nights felt so good just sleeping on the phone with you cuz I wasn’t alone. I miss being able to sink down into that soft headspace and be safe and loved n know it. Able to trust you to hold me gently in those moments. Even when I cried.

I miss when talking felt like breathing. When everyone knew n could see how much we adored each other. When it was all us. Us us us us.

I do miss the affection. I miss talking. I miss laughing. I miss the way it felt not to hesitate every second over everything. When depending on you was natural. Was the easiest thing I could do. I miss it. Of course I do. I miss so much of it and that makes it all so hard. I do love you. I love you so much and that’s why it hurts so badly.

I meant every word I said. I meant them all so much. I still love you. I still see good in you. I still want good for you. That never had conditions. Never. Ever.

But when I think of how much I love you I also think about that night. I still think about that night and I can’t stop. It’s been so little time but it feels like so long. You don’t know how the world fell beneath my feet when I noticed you were gone. You don’t know how I sobbed n the tears just wouldn’t stop when I saw you blocked me. How much pain I felt every time I accidentally glanced in our dm’s and saw my failed to send “baby?” Message while I was looking for you. My one thing. My one thing I said over and over. Please don’t silent treatment me. I don’t respond well to it. I don’t like being punished for no reason. And you left me. You blocked me. It hurt so bad. It still hurts so bad. Every time I let myself forget it sinks back in. The way you left me. The way I felt alone. And everyone tells me no one should ever do that. I would have never done that. Warning or not. I cry a bit again whenever I let myself stew in that memory. It makes me wanna throw up. Seeing that bright red message and thinking about how happy we were not that long before. About the necklace in the mail. About all our calls. All that time. We had done so much so recently - it was out of nowhere to me to get that bad. I remember thinking. This must be it. You’ll never come back. This is your way of breaking up with me once and for all without ever having to say it. You can just disappear n stop talking to me and I’d never know what happened to you.

I remember thinking how cursed I am. To have this happen again. Two years. Ending in early February. I hate February. I hate it so much. I’m so scared of love. I’m so scared of being known. I let you know me. I told you time n time again. I let you learn exactly how to hurt me despite how scary it was. Despite the times you used them to anger me. To lash out n say hurtful things. Do you remember the time u told me u thought about pushing my hard limits to make me finally get it? Maybe that’s when the fears really started. I was always so scared that somehow I’d do something to deserve pain like that. That somehow you’d decide. To just do it one day.

I moved on from it cuz you said you didn’t mean it. Because I wanted to return to our love. Our comfort. The sweet world we built up just you and me. And I moved on. We carried on.

And maybe my brain misremembers the timeline. But I’m just going off my thoughts right now.

Maybe that’s why it hurt so much too. When you were the one to like somebody else. No one even existed to me outside of you. I didn’t even think of celebrity crushes. Or think people were all that attractive in general. I just thought about you. And maybe. I’m a little crazy. But I hated so much to hear you call him something of a favorite person. I know that’s just the term. But. I was your favorite. I was. And that pain killed me so badly. To hear you think of someone else. That somehow. Someway. They slipped into your mind. From one little conversation? A little ego fuel? That hurt too. That. Hurt so much. I covered it up with my anger but when I think about it. I. Why did you ever do that. Why did that feel good to you. I already posed the hypotheticals to you before about how much you wouldn’t have liked it if I did that but I still just. Wanna fucking cry. So much. Like. It wasn’t enough that I love you. You needed someone else’s attention. Wanted someone else’s attention. Thought of it. Idk what you talked abt with Mike abt it before things happened. I know it was stuff that would only upset me more. So much of it upset me. So much of it still does. It felt like o already lost you. Like you had chosen over me. Even though you said you wanted me and you chose me. It felt like you weren’t really mine anymore. Like he took you. Some part of you that I couldn’t have. It killed me inside. I hate that he ever spoke to you that way. That you ever liked it. Ever wanted it. Pushed him to confess it and for what. You don’t know how broken that made me feel. How useless. How worthless. Like every word I said meant nothing cuz he could say 4x less but mean 4x more.

I told you how much I hated him and I made you say it too because it was the only way I could begin to lie to myself that it was fine. That I could stomach this. But you don’t know how much I prayed. How much I cried under the hot shower murmuring to myself. myself. That I was your only one. That it’s passing. It’s gonna be gone before you know it. That it’s me and only me.

And god the way it makes me sick to think of that. Cancelled friend hang out between you two still. Thinking of the fact if you never told me. You would have ended up in his arms watching OUR show. OUR thing. That would have practically been a fucking date. I wouldn’t have trusted him not to touch you wrong. Flirt with you wrong. He already didn’t respect boundaries when we did set them. It makes me sick thinking of the world where I didn’t say no. I know you didn’t do anything with that and we spent time instead n I fell asleep (which I’m sorry for, still, it upset me a lot that I did sleep. I wanted you.)

But god he never stopped. He kept fucking talking to you. Kept pushing it even when he said he wouldn’t. You still wanted to talk to him. It hurt. You were trying but it still hurt. I was still so scared all the time. I was so desperate. So afraid if I wasn’t there somehow- if I wasn’t available somehow- he’d slip in just in time to take you from me. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep for so long. I couldn’t eat. Why the only way I felt safe was when I could hear you. Because somehow that reassured me you were still mine. I was still winning. I wanted to win so bad.

I wanted to believe it was working. We were fixing it. You were getting over him. And. Yeah. It was fine. Until. Fucking. Cycling back to the stupid. Blocking. Shit. God. Why does that make me cry so much. I was so alone. I was alone. I felt like a dog that got tossed outside in the rain. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t stomach puppy time. Not really. It helped but it still felt wrong in so many ways. But I couldn’t have my daddy. He didn’t want me anymore. All those little facets of myself. They won’t see otherwise. Rejected. Unwanted. Disgusting. They go back to the void they came from because I cannot stomach them. Just thinking of Teddie makes me begin to sob. Why didn’t you want me anhmore. How good did it feel when you hit that button. Did you even hesitate a little? Did it feel that good? You did it three times. Did it get easier every little bit? Did you regret it in the moment, or not until later, when you saw how much it hurt me?

You said you felt like your spot would be there for you when you got back. But what about mine? I didn’t feel like I had mine. I felt like you had taken it away. Like I was pushed out of it. I felt like I was nothing to you. Like you abandoned me. Why’d you abandon me. Why wasn’t my love enough for you. Why was I never enough for you. Why’d you need to block me. Why’d you need another guy. Why why why why.

It hurts so much. And I can’t even talk about it cuz no one would understand. They just think I need to hate you and cut you off forever. They think I’m a fucking idiot and maybe I am. Because I wanted you to love me so much and so bad.

And I’m still fucking crying.

Why wasn’t I good enough. Why wasn’t it enough. I tried to be mature. I tried to so many times. I tried to be good. I never wanted to fight. I was a good boy. I was a good boy so much. I did what I was told. I loved so much. Even when it was bad all I wanted was you to hold me. To tell me I’m yours. That you love me and you’re sorry. I stayed up u til I passed out from crying so hard cuz I kept hoping at some point soon you’d come back n reach out n tell me you’re so sorry. That it wouldn’t take longer than ten minutes. Then twenty. Thirty. An hour. Two?

I think I regressed bad at one point. I didn’t tell you that though. I didn’t tell anyone. That I was that stupid fuckinh dog sobbing into my pillow for daddy to please. Please come back. To stop ignoring me. Why was he ignoring me.

I still felt bad when we talked that morning but I tried to be mature. The break didn’t last long despite how much I wanted to keep thinking about it cuz I kept cycling these facts in my head over. N over. I kept thinking of how that safe n secure little headspace got torn to shreds that night. It felt wrong to touch it again even in that little way we did. I haven’t felt the urge much since. I guess until now. I think I’m slipping a little. In a bad way. Ugh.

I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry and I keep it all to myself because there is no one who understands.

And I know if I told you let’s get back together you’d say yes. That you’d be thrilled n overjoyed n eager to swing back into everything that made us. Us.

But I cannot say that.

Even though I miss the good times so much. Even tho I miss the comfort. The safety. The security. That memory is just a memory. I can’t go back there. Not when everything else is now so heavy. When it all hurts so much. When it taints me. Stains my soft white wings with inky black tar and kills me. Drains me.

If theee is one thing I absolutely cannot do its return. I cannot return to the past. Despite how desperately it tempts me. It’s a lie. It’s an illusion. It’s not there anymore. It’s broken. It’s ruined. I’m ruined.

There’s so much pain and I can’t heal it. You can’t heal it.

I can’t forgive if. I can’t forget it. It slips in whenever the world gets too quiet that’s why I’m crying n journaling all this stupid shit right now. And god. God.

I wish we knew all that shit about him sooner. I wish that image was torn down before it hurt us. Before you had to tell me. Before you. Did. Anything.

I wish that I could trust leaning on you. Without feeling scared you’re gonna hurt me. I’m so scared you’re gonna hurt me. Everyone’s gonna hurt me. You’re not the only one feeling this complicated gross mess. I have one too. One that says it’s better for all of us if we don’t step back into that. One that reminds me that if I truly love you, I must care for you now, even like this, even when it hurts us both. Even when it makes every soft n vulnerable part of me beg myself to not. I have to see reason. I have to.

And o love being your friend

I want to be

I want to talk in these ways. It feels good. Talking the past little while has felt so so good. I want to sink into it. I wanna yap like we used to. Nonstop. No filter. No care in the world.

But sometimes it catches up to me. I get scared again. I get worried. That this has to mean something. That I’m not supposed to enjoy this time. That I shouldn’t talk to you. That it’s all gonna come back around to hit me again. Somethings gonna hurt me again. Somehow. Some way.

And I don’t wana hang it over you

I know how badly you want our deep n personal friendship too

But I don’t trust myself not to speak to you n cry. Not to be angry. Not to feel it all come back. So I don’t update all the time. I don’t elaborate when I vent. I don’t say anything at all. I just distract. And I play games and I let myself feel anything but that pain. But it always comes back. Slowly. Surely. It aches I. Me. Reminds me I’m broken. I’m ugly. I’m disgusting. That I thought I healed but I never did.

This whole post feels so dumb too cuz it’s all stuff I already said before. It’s the same cycle. It never ends. The pain never ends it just ebbs n flows in waves. There’s a version of me that never stops crying. There’s a version that’s angry at you. That thinks of all the times I “should have” lashed out back at you. That I should have fought you. Hurt you. To make you understand how much you were hurting me. That tells me I shouldn’t speak to u at all. That I should never speak to you again.

Maybe I’m the one with fucked up eprsonality shit. Idk who I am anyway. I don’t even wanna be a person. I’m not a person. I stopped being anything awhile ago. I’m just numb. I’m numb all the time n I wish I could skip ahead to the part where it all feels better. Where it makes sense and I’m genuinely happy and fine for a moment longer than when I’m laughing with friends.

I am letting this go. I am taking a deep breath and writing this all down here because I want. To let it go. I am writing to the universe because I believe things happen for a reason. I was told to let it go for a reason.

I’m your friend.

You’re my friend. And you have always been a good friend to me.

From now on. I am going to try and be normal n better. This is my final push. I’m going to be normal. As normal as I can. I will make new memories. Fun ones. We will continue on. It will get better. From now on. It has to. I will make sure my days always feel better.

I wanna still have this. I wanna have our fun parts. Even if everyone tells me we shouldn’t have any contact at all. Until something proves me wrong. I will carry on. As best I can.

It may still take me time to say everything on my mind. To truly confide. But at least I wanna yap like we used to. Think of n talk ideas. Thats been good. That’s been really fun. I don’t wanna lose it.

This is. A mess. A big. Fuckin mess. I’m trying not to slip right now. lol. 

Overall. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I bottled it all up. I’m sorry I kept it all in. I’m sorry I smothered you. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promises. I’m sorry we can’t be partners.

But I’m glad we’re still here. I’m glad you’re still my friend. I don’t know if you’d read this. I tried to avoid your space. I want to keep that promise at least.

Part of me hopes you don’t see. Cuz I don’t want this to upset you. I don’t want you to feel like. Somethings wrong or u messed up again. Bc none of this was triggered by u this is just me. Trying to move on. To say it and let it go. Into the void. Into the abyss. So I can be better.

It’s done now.

In a way I do feel a little lighter.