The Adventures of Me.

the cashier asked me how im gonna pay like in terms of cash or card and i just said “money” cause i meant cash and she went “thats how it works”

im the cashier

My patronus is just a really chunky raccoon. Just a big, fat little bro. Just an absolute unit.

sigmund freud made all that shit up for the views

Everyone Wants to Fuck Their Mom (NOT CLICKBAIT)

why does it feel like I’m in a race with every 18-25 yr old on earth and I’m losing

synchronized slapping class

my children have too many legs .. but they are handsome and strong

RIGHT HERE ON TWITTER WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE IT

Make your dreams a priority. Make your mental health a priority. Make your relationships a priority. Make your happiness a priority. Make yourself a priority.

oh gods my boyfriend isn’t home and I forget the english word for this thing and it’s bAD he usually helps but i cAN’T

I WILL ASSIST?

you know that little sea bug with the stupid hands and it has a home but it changes homes sometimes because it gets too big for it?? what is it???

Hermit crab??

THAT’S THE BITCH

“what time is it” you ask, i pull out my 2.7 metric ton granite sundial and immediately crush both of your feet, I loudly announce “it is cloudy”

i don’t want to achieve equality by sinking to men’s level, i want them to get on ours! why should i have to unlearn the conversational art of waiting my turn, unlearn sexual self-restraint, unlearn trust in others’ good intentions, unlearn the impulse to cater to others’ needs, just to have a chance at success among savages? why can’t the men learn some fucking manners so we can all conduct our affairs in a civilized manner? i shouldn’t have to stop saying sorry, you say sorry!

Me, a disgraced academic turned farmer, surveying my crops: Finally… I am out standing in my field