love you ‘till the end

Sirius was sitting there, and he had been gone for ages now.

He’d been acting a little off all day, now that she thought about it.

Curious now, she excused herself politely from the table and decided to search for him. Peter sent her a salute as she left, asking her to bring him back some juice from the fridge.

She wasn’t going to do that, so she’ll deal with his whining later.

Her fingers ran across the mahogany wood in the hallway until she reached the front door, pulling it open softly

She peered out of the door to the left, finding the boy she’d been looking for. He was leaning back, a gloved hand in his pocket and the other supporting a cigarette that was placed between his lips. He finished inhaling, blowing out smoke and letting his jaw loosen.

Stunning was the only word to describe him.

“I’ve been looking for you” y/n quickly paced towards Sirius, sitting next to him. She slipped one her legs under the other, rubbing her hands together in attempt to gain warmth

“What are you doing out here all alone?”

He shrugged, taking one more drag and breathing out from his nose “just needed a moment”

The queries and questions in her mind came to a halt as he answered. She knew not to pry, especially with this being the first Christmas he’s spent living at the potters household. He was so happy, so incredibly grateful for all of the hospitality but that didn’t make the disownment any less impactful.

Her and the boys had been here for a week or so, and for the past few days she had found Sirius slipping into her bed after dark, right when the moon would shine in and illuminate the entirety of her guest bedroom. They had started sleeping together just before the holidays started, but the two never spoke a word about it. Y/n never minded entertaining the boy, it proved as a distraction and comfort for them both

“I really miss Regulus” he chewed on his bottom lip, noticing y/n’s shivering. He nonchalantly shuffled close to her, bringing an arm around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder, slowly bringing her fingers forward and fiddling with the hem of his jumper

“You know, by this time on Christmas we would’ve already finished family dinner and ran to my room. We’d save the newest T.Rex or Bowie album, cast a silencing charm and listen to it together as our present — every year, without fail”

Sirius’ face lit up as he talked of the goodness that came with Christmas, but his face quickly softened as he came to the realisation that he would never have a holiday with his family again. Y/n dragged a hand up his cheek, resting her palm at the nape of his neck

“It sounds like fun, I can only imagine how Regulus would dance to cosmic dancer” he nodded, bringing his attention to her

“He’s a horrid dancer, too lanky for his own good” Sirius laughed “looks a bit like an ostrich”

They laughed, a louder than they expected so they shushed each other. After settling they both leaned their heads back, Sirius taking another drag

“Sirius if you ever want to talk to him again, I’ll be right by your side okay? I know how much he means to you, and I want you to be happy”

He stayed silent for a moment, letting her words settle in the air

“You’re brilliant, you know that?” Sirius says this, with the most certainty laced in his words

“I’ve been told” she smiles

He brought the cigarette down to her lips. She opened, inhaling for a moment as Sirius reeled back. She turned towards him again, smiling and blowing the smoke into his face. Sirius spluttered, whisking the air with his fingers as she giggled wildly.

“Ugh!” He screwed his face, poking her side. She giggled and scooted back, taking another drag before passing it back to him

They laughed together, folding forward. As she began to stop giggling, she found him watching her carefully. He was smiling, a wide beautiful grin.

“What?” She asked

“You’re gorgeous” he said, without even a hint of resistance. He leant forward, his gloved hand running over her cheek

“We should go back” she whispered, leaning into his hand as he brought her forward

He hummed, nodding and keeping his dark eyes on her lips. She sighed, closing her eyes and rolling her head forward, their foreheads pressing.

As lovely as it all was, and as intoxicating Sirius’ smell had become she was so unsure of what they were doing with each other. She liked him, obviously, but after every tender moment they would completely ignore it.

“Do you really want me, Sirius?” y/n whispered, and Sirius quickly pulled back, confused

“I really like you, and I want to be with you but I can never tell if you feel like that too — it’s just unspoken between us”

He smiled softly, stubbing the cigarette out and lacing his fingers with hers. He took a deep breath, ready to speak but his eyes were focused on their hands

“I was scared, I’ve just never felt like this before so I don’t know what to do” he fiddled with her fingers

“I want you, of course I do — I’ve never wanted someone so much before… you’ve done a number on me”

“Sirius” her words were cautious, his eyes meeting hers once again. A soft grin appeared on her lips. Her fingers unwound from his and found a warm place on his cheek

“We can go slow, yeah? As slow as you want. It’s okay to be scared, I’m scared too but we can do it together okay?”

In awe, and quite frankly on the verge of saying something far too romantic Sirius leant forward and pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

He tasted of cigarettes and citrus and love.

“Do you want to go back to sleep?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. His knees hit her back as he curled his body, his arms reaching out to play with the hem of her jumper

He shook his head to indicate a no, slowly rubbing his shoulder. She noticed, turning to the side and reaching for the pain relief ointment on the side table

“I probably don’t need it” he tried to convince her, begging to sit up. His back cracked and he groaned, rolling his head down and pausing. His face tensed, a ragged breath leaving his lips.

She raised a brow, crawling next to them with the ointment in hand. He looked at her, then rolled his eyes “maybe just a little, please”

y/n smiled softly “always so stubborn, just for me to be right anyways”

He rolled his eyes, adjusting himself and turning his back towards her. He took a deep breath out, bowing his head and closing his eyes.

She was used to seeing him in pain, but never quite like this before. Something was different, and she couldn’t quite figure out what.

She dipped her hands into the ointment then dragged her fingertips along both his shoulders, slowly massaging and pausing every few moment to check he was okay.

She leant forward, placing warm kisses,

One. By his shoulder

Two. On the nape of his neck

Three. At the very top of his spine, where his back creased in the middle

He sighed, his eyes closing as he bit the inside of his cheek. He stayed silent for a moment as she shuffled onto the bed, crossing her legs.

As Remus adjusted himself to face her, she started to notice how much light had entered the room. It wasn’t a hot and sticky summer like it normally was, there was more of a warm mildew settling in the air.

The sunlight was making his face glow, his damp skin glistening. As his head leant back, his Adam’s apple bobbed and she could feel her stomach tern. He looked gorgeous.

“You’re beautiful” she spoke carefully, watching his eyes open to look at her

He hummed, smiling “say it again”

“You’re beautiful” y/n crawled forward, kissing his cheek

“I’m ‘right, thank you James” he wiped a tear, his chest feeling tight from all the laughing

“You tosser! Think you’re too good for me?” He cocked his hip, hands waving frantically in the air

“Always” before James could respond, which he knew he would, Remus placed a quick kiss on the top of his head before walking crookedly in the direction of the stairs. He tried to focus on going straight, but his long legs were so incredibly heavy

“I knew you fancied me— Oi! Evans! Remus just kissed me so I’m all his now! Lost your chance you little minx!”

As he reached the stairs he looked back, watching Lily speed her way through the crowd to unleash an insane amount of profanities towards her boyfriend. Amazing, isn’t she?

After tripping over several steps, and ten minutes of groaning and suffering he finally reached his dorm. The door swung open and smashed into the wall behind it. He cringed, apologising and shushing the door

“For the love of fuck, did you have to make such an entrance?” He closed the door behind him, looking over to the closest bed and focusing his eyes on Sirius.

Shit.

Sirius and him. Alone. In a room. Plastered.

He cleared his throat, bowing and sending a salute to the air “you’re welcome”

Remus watched as Sirius began to giggle. Literally, truly giggle. He was gone, so completely entertained by Remus Lupin. It made him happy. A little too happy for his liking

“I cannot be that funny” he laughed himself, walking closer to the bed.

Before he could register anything, he found that he was already admiring him. How his pale skin was glossy from sweat, and how his hair still looked so silky smooth and fresh despite the hours of partying. He was so beautiful. The most beautiful person in the world, surely.  

“Oh, you take yourself far too seriously” he thought for a moment further, before toppling over once again and clutching his stomach. He was laughing so hard Remus was sure he would pass out “serious”

“you’re absolutely gone, aren’t you?" Remus chuckled “I’ll go get some water”

“No!” Sirius’ body reacted quickly, jolting forward and grabbing hold of his arm. The mood in the room suddenly changed, the air growing thick

“Just stay, Remus — could you please stay?” Sirius’ eyes grew wide from shock, horror, and something else Remus couldn’t quite read. He was so flushed, so desperate in this moment and Remus couldn’t help but feel his heart swell.

Oh no.

“Alright then! You lunatic, no need to get yourself all worked up” he pushed away the feeling of growing heat in his cheeks, sitting down

Remus sat with his knees to his chest, his arms dangling off his legs as he focused his attention back on glassy eyed Sirius. He grinned, such a wide and beautiful grin

“Moony” he stretched out the o, making himself giggle “do you trust me?”

“Yes, of course” he spoke immediately, his mind working faster than his mouth “always”

“Then whats wrong?” He wiggled his eyebrows, curiously waiting for an answer. He wasn’t making any sense, none at all. Nothing was wrong between them, was there?

“You really need to stop talking in code, I’m not fluent”

“The more sarcastic you get, the less you’ll hear” Sirius stuck his nose up, chuckling before loosing his balance. It was as if his head was far too heavy.

He fell forward, Remus catching him before he hit his lap

“Woah” Sirius pressed down on sensitive parts of Remus chest, climbing up his body and harshly grabbing his shoulders, regaining his balance

The long haired boy looked up, only now noticing their faces were inches apart “hello there”

Remus felt his eyes widen, his breath shortening as his icy eyes scanned across his face. An uncomfortable wave washed over his stomach, a shaky feeling spreading through his body

“Sirius, you’re drunk — tragically drunk” he laughed, trying to distract himself but he caught the small crack in his voice.

“You’re doing it now” he commented squinting his eyes. He felt like he was being interrogated, like one of those muggle crime films.

“For the love of god” he rolled his head back, avoiding any more eye contact than necessary “what is it that I’m doing?”

“You get all sweaty and jumpy, never get like this with James” he sounded so condescending, and Remus hated to be spoken to like a child.

“I treat you both the same, enough already” he tried to speak calmly, but he was getting frustrated. “Bollocks!”

“We’re different, this is different” he tried to explain, but he couldn’t go much further… not without revealing a secret he had been keeping inside all these years. But now that he thought about it, and because of how his friend was acting, was it all really a secret? Did he really keep it as under control as he though he did?

He was beginning to feel nauseous now.

“Whats different about this?” He teased, one of his hands running through the length of Remus’ sandy brown curls. He knew what he was doing, he must. It was all a little cruel “you tell me”

“Sirius, you’re drunk” he repeated, his palm pushing forward and landing in the area just above Sirius’ heart. He wanted so badly to push him back, with all the force he had but he couldn’t. His mind was all cloudy and all he wanted to do was reach forward and— no. Not going there now.

“You know” Sirius leaned back slightly, now serious and forgetting their previous conversation. Remus found it hard to focus, far too intoxicated for this rant

“I don’t think you’ll ever quite understand how much I appreciate you— or really know how much you do for me” he spoke slowly, barely managing to get the words out as he struggled to keep his head up. Remus adjusted uncomfortably, trying so hard to be mad but he simply couldn’t. He couldn’t stop this. Could never control himself around him, especially now.

“Sometimes I get so anxious that I think my head might explode but then you... you walk in and you look at me— god I could go on about the way you look at me— and you bring me back” he placed both of his hands behind the boys neck softly, admiring his face

“You’ll always bring me back” Sirius tangled his hands in his hair, holding a soft grip

This was all too tempting, too much for him to handle.

He related to every word he was saying, every single word. Remus was in a state of astonishment. His heart was beating so loud he was in utter shock that it couldn’t be heard in the next room.

This moment had come in dreams, in fantasies, but now that is was real he didn’t think he was going to survive what was to come next.

“I don’t want to worry right now, I can’t-“ he ran his fingers over Remus’ smooth face, his fingers burning at the touch “just this once”

Just this once. He repeated in his mind over and over again. He’d never seen him so desperate, a silence growing over them as they began to move closer to each other.

They pressed their foreheads together, their noses barely touching. It was all so gentle, this touching. He never thought of Sirius as a gentle lover.

“I’m yours” Sirius kissed his cheek, then moved to the other, leaving a warm mark “please, please, please”

This was enough of an invitation for Remus to push forward and finally connect their lips. Their bodies messily pressing together.

Oh god. He was screwed now.

Sirius was so warm, so warm and so soft to the touch. For such a rushed kiss, he was being so incredibly… careful. His touch was burning up Remus’ skin, and he was sure his brain had melted to mush.

Yes. Was all he could think. Yes, yes, yes. This was what he had thought about for hours on end, especially when Sirius would come back from quidditch practise all sweaty and breathless.

He knows they shouldn’t be doing this, but when Sirius crawled into his lap and straddled him he knew he wasn’t going to be the one to stop.

They were fitting perfectly together, so in touch with each others bodies already. It was instant, and the sound Remus made inside Sirius’ mouth as he slid his hands up his back was enough for them both to practically combust.

Just as quickly as it came, the warmth that Remus had grown so accustomed to had left. They just looked at each other, shaking and dazed and confused.

But Sirius, Sirius looked horrified, like his blood had ran cold.

The raven haired boy jumped up fast, disconnecting their bodies and raising a hand to his lips

“Fuck” he was still in shock, his eyes glazed over with tears “I’m so sorry, I can’t— I don’t want to be. No, no, no”

Remus stood quickly, walking towards him but he backed up, banging into the wall just next to the door. His cheeks had flushed and his hands were shaking. He just wanted to wrap his arms around him, and tell him everything was going to be okay.

“I swear, I didn’t— fuck” he looked at Remus like he was something to be afraid of. He was so sure if he looked at him like this for much longer he wouldn’t be able to control his stomach.

“I can’t” Sirius shook his head once more. Fiddling with the doorknob and failing to open the door the first few attempts. He was muttering swear words, cursing himself up and down before exiting the room as fast as possible.

No.

Remus exhaled shakily, disgusted with himself. He had just lost Sirius

No. No.

He felt his chest rise and fall, a burning sensation settling in his lungs as he felt his breath being taken from his body.

Breathe, please, breathe.

He tried to control himself, but he felt his legs give out as he tripped on his own foot.

He was so scared. He was so scared and now he was all alone, his lungs shutting down as he thought of his decision. What had he done?

It was a mistake. He’s not like you.

As he tried to steady his breath, he began focusing on the music and clapping coming from downstairs. He wished that he had stayed down there. Out of trouble and out of curse that was Sirius Black.

—

Sirius was so beautiful, so soft to touch and gentle with his hands. His neck was her favourite, she thought, or maybe it would be how he moans when she pulled his hair and kissed the area just below his ear.

He was perfection. He reminded her so much of liquid gold, pure and blinding to the eye. She adored him so much it hurt, which she knew had to be unhealthy but how could she be blamed?

He finally rolled over to face her, after ten minutes of her counting the minuscule moles on his back. He flashed his smile, a sleepy one where only the left side of his mouth lifted.

“How long have you been awake?” He trailed a finger down her bare waist, before settling and drawing circles on her plump hips

“Not long, only a few minutes” she craned her head slightly, looking over at the enchanted clock by James’ bed. It was still only 11, and the other boys were sleeping over in the girls’ dorm tonight.

Maybe he would want to do more? She thought. She would do anything for him, it didn’t really matter what he asked.

It was stupid to think like this, and quite desperate once she really properly digested it but she was okay with it. She was truly okay with doing anything to make him happy. It was scary how much control he had over her. But as she thought more about it, any person who showed her a drop of attention she would treat and think of the same. She supposed when you grew up without much love that’s what it does to a person.

She was never spiteful though, wasn’t strong enough to be.

“Come here” he urged, his arm opening and smile wide.

She did, quickly. Ridiculously quickly.

His long fingers tangled in her curls, his head resting atop hers and taking in her scent of shea butter and frangipanis. His other hand was stroking up and down her back, drawing patterns and soothing shapes.

“You’re very warm” he spoke, kissing the top of her head “and you always smell so nice”

“Your skin is so soft” she whispered, her own fingertips grazing against the muscle of his shoulder “I never understood why”

“Coconut oil” he began, twirling a ringlet between his fingers “and a loofa, actually”

She giggled “trust you to do the same thing my mother does”

He gasped, forcing her to look up at him “she’s a woman with great taste”

“You’d get on like a house on fire” she leaned forward, kissing him gently.

They kissed for a while more, savouring every last moment. She swore she had never been kissed so softly, so tenderly. The way their lips moulded together was to die for.

She eased back into his chest after a while, nuzzling into his neck. They had never been so domestic before, laying with each other in comfortable nudity without feeling the need to have sex.

It was scary. They hadn’t done this before. She was worried now, did she do something to offend him?

“What’s wrong?” He asked, his hand dragging to her face. He looked concerned “you let go”

She looked down curiously, and to her surprise her arms had untangled from his, her body separated slightly.

“Sorry” she shook her head, sitting up now and covering her breasts with the cotton sheets “I just-“

Words failed to come out of her mouth, and he was begging to look at her like she was insane. Well, at least that’s what she thought the look on his face was

“Have I done something?” She finally managed

“What?” He looked perplexed

“Have I done something? because usually we… you know… and we haven’t today and I just wanted to make sure I didn’t do anything to make you annoyed or-“

“Hey” he tilted his head, speaking delicately, fearing that she would break at any sudden movement. His palms rose to her arm, rubbing gently

“I enjoy this — us, it doesn’t always have to be a sexual thing. I like you for more than just that, way more than just that” he bit his bottom lip for a moment “you’re worth so much more than just that. You deserve to be cherished and held and loved”

He rambled and looked at her in awe “you did already know this, didn’t you? You must’ve known. You haven’t done anything wrong, of course not”

“I just thought, I really didn’t— I didn’t know” and in a sudden shockwave to the brain, her entire mind brightened. Like a lightbulb effect, which she thought only really ever existed in those muggle movies.

She had never thought of it like that, not really.

Kindness like that was something she believed had to be earned, never in a million years would she have thought it would be given, for free, especially to her. It was a recurring saying that how she looked would never get her anyone special. She was convinced she had to compensate for love. In some screwed up way she was terrified that by looking the way she looked she had to make triple the effort to even be considered

“I really, really, like you — and I’m so scared” the tears began to fall, and one they fell she couldn’t stop “I don’t know how to do this”

He immediately reacted, pulling her into a tight and firm hug. He whispered into her ear and waited patiently for her tears to slow down.

She was embarrassed, humiliated… mortified even. But something inside of her was warm and there was a sweet feeling burrowing at the very centre of her heart

“Well then, we can learn together, yeah?” He pulled back to look at her, wiping tears off her cheek.

Once her vision focused, she realised that he had cried too. His eyes were red and under his nose seemed to be wet. They both looked like a mess… and if either James or Remus was to walk in they would without a doubt admit them to St Mungos for insanity.

But to them, they had just opened each other’s eyes to something they would’ve never seen with anyone else.

Sirius felt his chest warm, taking a cigarette from the packet and reaching over, placing it back down himself. He slotted the cigarette softly between Remus’ lips, lighting the end with the snap of his fingers.  

Sirius’ favourite thing to do was watching him smoke. It was so simple, but no matter how many times it happened his lips always tugged into a smile as Remus would exhale. He loved it so much because you could see his facial features soften, and his mind drift away from the worries that were giving him wrinkles at such a young age. He liked watching him relax, for a change.

Sirius stared in awe, watching him as he finished inhaling, blowing out smoke and letting his jaw loosen.

“Do you want something?” Remus raised a brow with a smile, tapping the cigarette in the ashtray that was balancing on the headboard

“You’re very beautiful, you know” Sirius said, kissing his jaw “I could watch you all day”

Remus felt a smile rise, poking Sirius in the stomach softly which elicited a laugh “Do you not already?”

“I’m being romantic!” He huffed, rolling his eyes Remus hummed in agreement, placing his hands either side of Sirius’ face and kissing him softly, the cigarette still placed between his index and middle finger. He tasted of smoke and honey, and smelled of sweet apples. They kissed for a while, not caring about the ash slowly building up at the end of the cigarette

“You smell nice” Sirius said after he pulled back, taking the cigarette from his lips and placing it between his own “have you been using my shampoo?”

Remus nodded, laying his head on his shoulder. “It makes my hair soft” “That’s what using hair products instead of just water does” they laughed, beginning to fiddle with each others fingers. Sirius’ were soft and elegant, whereas Remus’ were long, bony and calloused. 

They had matching rings, simple silver bands on their middle right fingers. James had one too, it was his idea in the first place. It was a Christmas gift in third year, and the three had never taken them off since

Sirius finished the cigarette, putting it out in the ashtray and turning back to Remus as he lifted his head from his shoulder

“Do you know when James is coming back?” Remus asked calmly, slowly dragging his fingers against Sirius’ collarbones

“Not for another few hours” he responded, his eyes drifting to the clock “are you tired?”

Remus usually slept more as his transformations approached, which according to the date would be a week from today. It was unspoken etiquette that Sirius was always softer with him, more patient than he normally is. Walking up stairs would take ten minutes rather than five, but he never minded.

“A little” he spoke, Sirius’ attention back onto him. Remus nudged forward slowly, kissing his forehead, then his cheeks, then finally his lips. They slid down, the kiss never breaking once.

The two could do this forever, happily giggling and living in a bubble of bliss. They wished everyday would be like this, happy and full of contentment. They hoped that their love would last for many years to come… up until their dying breaths. They could last a lifetime, couldn’t they?

She found it ridiculous that she could have such turbulent butterflies with the simple gesture of a drawing, but then again, Regulus Black had put her under a rather hypnotic spell over the past year they had been seeing each other.

“What on earth are you reading that’s making you smile like that?” Sirius inquired, plopping down next to Remus and laying his head in his lap. Y/N closed the book, clearing her throat.

She had to admit, it wasn’t the most morally right move to date one of her best friends brothers, let alone date him in secret, but the two simply couldn’t afford the repercussions on both ends. Regulus feared for her safety from his parents, and she feared for her sanity from Sirius

“Nothing of your concern” she said simply, smiling down at him

“She’s not reading, she’s been staring at a drawing from her secret admirer” Remus humoured her, mischievousness laced in his words. Y/N froze for a moment, squeezing her eyes shut in embarrassment

“Are you seeing someone?” James practically leaped over to her, excitement in his eyes. The three boys awaited her response, beginning to talk over each other in speculation to which she waved them off, hopping off Sirus’ bed and putting her shoes on

“No!” She quickly gathered her things, checking the time on the clock above James’ bed.

It was 8:55, five minutes until she had to meet Regulus in the room of requirement. They did this once every week, conjuring up a bed and finding a few hours of solace with one another

Sirius caught her staring, eyeing the clock himself “you’re going to ditch us for him now, aren’t you?”

James and Remus gasped, hands on their chests in offence. Y/n sighed, shaking her head

“I’m going to bed” she said softly, in a rather unconvincing manner

“You’re a bad liar!” Was all she heard from Remus as she closed the bedroom to their dorm, scurrying down the stairs. Laughing to herself, she exited the common room swiftly, walking down the moving stairs to get to bottom level of the castle.

Normally, she would’ve been more careful around the boys to ensure the secrecy of the relationship, but today she just couldn’t help it, she was planning on telling Regulus that she loved him.

Nervousness was filling her stomach as she finally reached the bottom, but a giddy smile spread across her lips at the thought of his reaction. She dragged her fingertips along the castle walls, feeling for a dip in the rocky tiles to indicate that she was close to the opening. Stopping suddenly, she heard the low noise of rumbling, which caused her to turn.

A small door just big enough for her was created, which she stepped into and closed almost immediately. Excited, she dropped her bag at the entrance, wandering into the room and looking side to side.

Regulus was leaning against the front of the bed, fiddling with his long sleeves. He would never forget how beautiful she looked on this day, so full of radiance and joy. He hoped that maybe she could find happiness like this again once the war was over.

She smiled wide, observing him as he walked forward. His posture had straightened slightly as he ran his hands around her waist, bringing her in for a soft kiss. He leant into her, supporting her back as he did. She pulled away after a while, cupping his cheeks

“Hello to you too” y/n giggled, planting one more peck on the lips of her boyfriend. His eyes drifted from hers, brimming with a fresh set of tears.

“Hey” she frowned, searching his face “whats wrong?”

He had been doing this so often around her, for the past few weeks. He would be so happy and loving, then within seconds be close to breaking down. He would always insist it was nothing, but she knew something was wrong. It was odd of him to not be honest with her about his feelings upfront, so her concern began to grow more and more each day.

“I had to do it, I had to” he shook his head, breathing deeply. He stepped away from her, trying his hardest not to cry in front of her

“I didn’t want to, but it was always going to be me or Sirius” Regulus’ speech become rushed. She walked over slowly, her stomach dropping. She had a feeling she knew what he meant, but she couldn’t wrap her head around the thought.

He wouldn’t. Would he?

“Reg” y/n spoke softly, trying to calm him down “what did you do?”

Suddenly, he found himself unable to speak, looking down at her with such heavy sadness. Everything was going to change after this night, his life would properly shift and he would no longer have an escape from the war

“I’m sorry” Regulus’ voice became strangled, it was such a change from his usual self. It was breaking her more and more by the moment to see him like this, but what scared her the most was thinking about the possibility of what he’s hiding beneath his left sleeve.

Her eyes lingered over his arm, then back to his eyes, asking for his permission to check. He closed his eyes as she approached him, closing the small gap between their bodies.

Slowly, she pushed the sleeve up, her fingers trembling as she saw the dark black lines of the top of a skull.

“No” she whispered, flinching and stepping away from him “no, Regulus no”

Her senses became cloudy as he opened her eyes to look at her. What had hit her abruptly was the fact that it had only taken a few seconds to be terrified of the person she loved the most.

“I didn’t have a choice, y/n” he tried to step closer to her, but she dodged the arm that tried to grasp her shoulder. She shook her head, it was becoming hard to breathe

“You can’t — you can’t do this” she raised her voice, her arms crossing in front of her

“I had to, you don’t understand-“

“Sirius needs you” she cut him off

Regulus looked up, trying to hold back his tears once more “Sirius is better off without me”

She stepped closer to him, feeling her throat close up “Well what about me? What about the last year that we spent together?”

Immediately he look back at her, stuttering and once again finding himself unable to get a word out

“You can’t go, there has to be another way” she brought her hands to her face, nervously pushing her hair back

Regulus watched her carefully, shaking his head. He had read book upon book, researched millions of articles but nothing became of use. He was trapped… tied to his inevitable demise

“I can help you, I can” she tried to convince herself “there has to be a spell”

“There isn’t a way, I’ve tried” a tear rolled down his cheek

“There must be! Please” she brought a her hands to his chest, smoothing out the fabric “please”

In this moment, the guilt in his stomach was overbearing. He was watching the love of his life crack, begging for something that the two of them knew was impossible. Unable to stop his tears, he brought her into his chest, snuggling her face into his neck.

“I’m so scared, y/n” he gripped her sweater as he sobbed, fear causing his voice to crack

She was scared too, unimaginably scared, and the pain in her heart was slowly making her head go dizzy. Y/N wished everything could go back to normal, maybe to the first time they had kissed. Now more than ever, she wished she had the power to freeze time, letting the two of them embrace one another forever

“I love you” she suddenly said, pulling back to look at him once more “I love you, I love you”

For a moment, his defences softened and Regulus reached forward, kissing her for what would be the last time. He muttered sweet nothings and he pulled back, ‘I love you too’s’ spilling from his lips. His decision began to hit him like a bus, all coming down on him in a large wave of malcontent

“In another life, I’d pick you daffodils every morning and make you hot chocolate every night” he pressed his forehead against hers “and we wouldn’t have had to hide”

She wished so deeply that it could be this life, it was so cruel that this wouldn’t be their destiny. Her gut dropped as she thought about the distant future without him. Waking up tomorrow would be hard enough, but to imagine a life where they didn’t grow old together was too hard for her to think about.  

“Oh, my darling — I’m going to miss you” she spoke in a hushed tone, savouring the last intimate moment they would have

The two cried, for what felt like years, wrapped in each others arms and muttering sweet words into each others ears. They would go back and forth with one another, searching for an impossible solution to the situation. eventually, y/n had cried so much that tiredness washed over her and sent her into a fitful sleep

Regulus promised to stay all night with her, one last time, but she awoke around 5am to find an empty spot in the bed they had once shared.

Unable to cry anymore, she rolled over, shielding herself in the blankets and breathing in the comforting scent of Regulus’ perfume.

“No, go on” Remus nudged her leg with his foot “the wheels are turning, wouldn’t want them to stop now”

“Funny” she rolled her eyes, settling down and fiddling with her tights.

“I feel like I’m never going to be loved in the way that I want, well deserve — I suppose it’s hard to say that I deserve things but I’m trying to get used to it” he bit the corner of his lip, nodding for her to continue as she looked over for approval

“I would give my all to somebody, anybody that’ll have me. I’m willing to be treated like nothing for some kind of attention. I think I’m okay with that — I know I shouldn’t be, but sometimes I feel like it’s what I deserve in a weird way for looking the way that I do”

Remus narrowed his eyes, softening them as hers met his. She was nervous now, after airing her insecurities to him. Just as she expected, he was looking at her like that. That look was the last thing she wanted

“Don’t look at me like that, I don’t want you to pity me”

He shook his head “I don’t pity you. You confuse me”

“How so?” She was curious now

“There’s nothing wrong with you, and there’s nothing wrong with having feelings like that — but, you deserve something beautiful, something special”

It was kind of him to say these things, but it never mattered how many compliments she was showered in. She believed it was all superficial, just people feeling bad for her.

“I’m so scared that I’ll never have that” talking about this always made her nervous and embarrassed, and she couldn’t help but feel her face grow hot.

Remus noticed her discomfort, moving over and tapping the empty spot next to him “come here”

She moved next to him slowly, sitting beside him, his arms wrapping around her front and bringing her into a hug.

He smelt of hot chocolate and pine, as he always did. It was her favourite smell, bringing her comfort and filling her mind.

“There are people out there who will love you. Every single part of you. The aspects of yourself that you talk about hating are the things that make you beautiful” one of his arms fell back to his side, making her look up at him. He reached up, twirling her curls around his finger

“You’re so, so beautiful” his palm cupped her cheek, his fingers grazing the back of her jaw. He rubbed over her cheek, his eyes never leaving hers

“Remus” she whispered, unable to move. It felt so comfortable under his gaze, her skin warming at his touch.

“Tell me to stop, and I will” Remus nudged forward, their noses touching “but if you let me, y/n, I’ll love you”

This was all incredibly tempting, his face so close to hers. She could feel her heart pounding now, and her breath picking up

“I want you to kiss me” she begged, inching forward.

He backed away for a moment, smiling to himself “what’s the magic word?”

Nobody could ever convince both Sirius Black and y/n y/l/n that there was a better feeling than winning. Nothing was better than having perfect scores across the board academically, as well as having a fairly flourishing social life.

Sirius Black had it made, gorgeous face, gorgeous friends, gorgeous marks… it made her mad. He was the only person that riled her up in every way imaginable. Her simple win was the best thing that had ever happened to her!

Y/n peered over to James, who was chewing slowly on his Shepards pie covered fork. His eyes were focused on Lily, observing her every move. She was cursing under her breath, her quill moving rapidly on the piece of paper that took up most of Marlenes personal space. Marlene would bump her shoulder every so often by accident, causing Lily to let out a disgruntled growl

“Potter” she muttered finally “Do you ever get bored staring at me?”

“Never, I find something more lovely to look at the longer I do” he tilted his head, smiling sweetly. She screwed her face, sending a deadly look towards James who instantly put his hands in the air

“I’m going to the library, to escape you — you insufferable twit” she gritted her teeth, packing up her supplies and swiftly exiting the great hall in record breaking time

“What?” James threw his head in his hands, groaning “I was being subtle!”

“Fireworks are more subtle than you, love” y/n twirled her fork in her spaghetti, giggling to herself

“Find my pain amusing, do you?” He looked up, pouting towards her “only a little”

Since James’ appointment of head boy, Lily Evans has been particularly petulant towards James. She found herself having zero tolerance for his shenanigans with exams coming up. However, every so often y/n would find the two studying quietly in the library, she was so patient with him when they were doing school work. It was odd to see, but a relief.

“Good evening lover” Sirius plopped down next to James, ruffling his hair and digging into y/n’s plate across the table

“Charming as always, Sirius” she smiled, but to her surprise she wasn’t met with a snarky comment. Instead, he was obviously ignoring her, his mood unchanged as she spoke

“Why the sad face, gorgeous? Its not my fault you’re a sore looser” she poked her tongue out, knocking Sirius’ foot with her own under the table

“I’m not a sore looser!”

“Then why are you ignoring me?” She pouted her lip, mimicking Sirius face when he lost to her just hours before

He took a deep breath out, tapping her leg under the table “somebody euthanise her”

“Merlin! you’re so grumpy today” she squinted her eyes. James leant his head on his hand, ignoring the situation next to him due to his recent rejection. Even with just seconds passing, she felt an uncomfortable level of guilt rise in her stomach

“Here” she dropped her fork, picking the bone china bowl up and placing it in front of Sirius across the table “peace offering”

Sirius looked down a small smile growing on his face “fine, forgiven”

“Thank merlin!” She yelled dramatically “for a second there I thought I lost my friend, the man who hasn’t won a game of chess against me in the sixteen years of his agonising life”

“I hope you fall down the stairs, you conceited know-it-all”

— <3 —

“We will be looking at page 129, in this lesson, we are doing mandrake revisitation” Miss Sprout waved her wand, everyones book turning to the required page

Mumbled complaints were heard, to which she tutted and smiled sweetly, waving her wand once more to place earmuffs on everyones laps “choose a partner and go to your tables”

There was a flurry of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff robes around her so quickly that she barely even moved. Her mouth opened to ask one of her dorm mates, but she was disappointed to see Sirius, sitting patiently with ears muffs in his hand. He placed them over her head gently, careful not to ruin the mass of curls she worked so hard on during her wash day

“We’re partners then, I suppose” she smiled, standing a taking her hand out. He took it eagerly, standing up

“I am so excited to go on this wonderful endeavour with you, your presence is just so exhilarating!”

“Funny” she deadpanned as they walked to a spare table, across from James and Lily. She was grinning, with James hovering over her with great delight

Sirius leant down, whispering into her ear “she’s got her hands full today, remember James’ last run in with mandrakes?”

She giggled, remembering how James forgot to put his earmuffs on and ended up deaf for a week after. Not to mention, the baby mandrake ripped up his good tie

“Whats so funny?” James looked over, surveying the scene

“Nothing” they said in unison, holding onto laugher

“Now, as you know you have to treat Mandrakes with respect and care!” Sprout strolled down the lines of tables, fiddling with the few leaves on the outskirts of the greenhouse

“I would like to task you all the mission to calm your mandrake down before placing it in the pot. This is hard at your amateur level, however, I believe you’re all more than capable. First person to do this will receive 30 house points”

A competition? Sirius and y/n reeled at the thought. The both of them looked over at each other, determination in their eyes

“20 galleons” Sirius put out a hand

“Come off it! We’re not all rich” she crossed her arms “personal servant for a week” Sirius raised a brow, a fantasy of her doing whatever he wants whenever he asks occupying his mind. “You’re on”

“Nothing wrong with a little friendly competition”

“No more!” James squealed, petrified “I nearly lost my head yesterday, pelting pebbles is anything but friendly”

“You’re so dramatic, we were never going to hit you. Well, I never would’ve, I have perfect aim — lefty over here is another story” Sirius bragged

“Listen here you-“

“And begin!” Sprout said

The two lost their train of thought, snapping right into action. As each teenager pulled the plant from its pot, a horrible high pitched sound came from them. It was so incredibly distracting, the earmuffs never really did much. Sirius began stroking its head, while James screamed along with his. Already, he was going crazy, scared out of his mind.

Y/n stopped to think before placing the plant down on the table and kneeling down to its level

“Y/l/n, what are you doing?” Sirius yelled over the noise, confused before getting back to his own plant

She stroked a finger over its head, before smiling at it lovingly “you’re such a beautiful plant aren’t you! Yes you are!” She blew raspberries, making the plant let out a giggly screeching sound. She reacher her fingers forward, tickling the roots which made it giggle even louder

“You know, I don’t think I’ve seen a more gorgeous little thing, you’re so misunderstood aren’t you?” She asked and the mandrake nodded, its face screwing and a loud cry coming from its mouth. She widened her eyes, Sirius smiling down at the interaction

“I understand you! I do! I promise if you stop crying I’ll come and visit you everyday” the mandrake hiccuped, its screech getting lower and lower. She came forward, bringing the mandrake into a hug

“Be careful! You’ll burst an ear drum” Lily said

“Its okay” she held the plant, letting its head lean on her shoulder. She rocked it back and forth, smiling “shh, its okay”

After a few more minutes of fun conversation between her and her mandrake, it suddenly feel silent next to her ear. She turned around slowly, seeing that half of the class had succeeded in the mission. A loud noise was still coming from around her though, so she looked at James and Lily. Lilys had calmed down, but not nearly as much as James’. He was singing it a beetles song, one that she hadn’t heart yet, it must be new. the plant was dancing along with him, leaning against its pot. She smiled, turning to Sirius.

Merlin, it was a hot mess, His face was covered it dirt, the small mandrake still yelling in his face. His cheeks and forehead were covered in dirt and his pot was somehow overturned

“I won! I won!” She whisper yelled, cradling the mandrake like a baby. She booped its dusty nose, it sneezing softly in return.

“Yeah, yeah, well done sweetheart”

— <3 —

“Would you mind passing the bread rolls, Sirius” she crossed one leg over the other, smiling at the boy next to her. His cheeks were still slightly stained, his hair wet from the shower he had an hour before. It was dinner time now, but all day after last period James and y/n couldn’t stop gushing about their new found talent “Get them yourself, sweetheart” he tutted “Last time I checked, you were my personal servant. I didn’t know you were someone to back down from a fair and square dare?” “Enough with the yapping, you’re so condescending” he rolled his eyes, grabbing the bread roll filled dish and hovering it over her plate. Y/n took two, before waving her hand as he put it back down

Conversations were running smoothly, even Lily and James were getting along. It was a good day so far, but as always, she spoke too soon. A red envelope flapped its way over to Gryffindor table where they were sitting, with Sirius making eye contact with it first. He gripped onto her thigh under the table out of fear, making her jolt slightly, her eyes followed his, watching as it came in front of him. The envelope unraveled to reveal a big and horrible howler, with the black family crest on the tip of its tongue

“Sirius Orion Black! There is not one day when you don’t prove to be an utter embarrassment to this family. Your choice in friends is utterly shocking, nearly as shocking at your awful attempt at running away. We will be speaking with you at once! You ungrateful waste of life. I am still so shocked that a human as vile as you came out of my womb. Your room has been stripped, all of those silly notes from the blood traitors and moodbloods you call friends have found a new place in the rubbish bin. You will be admitted to a psychiatric doctor immediately! Once you are back in my custody, I will assure that you never see the light of day, toujours pur Sirius!”

The whole hall grew silent, each eye watching the boy with anything but subtlety. Cutlery clanking and the clicking of heels in the distance was all to be heard.

She intertwined her fingers with his under the table, his eyes closing momentarily as he squeezed onto her grasp

“Sirius, come, to your dorm” They were interrupted by McGonagall, her kind eyes meeting his. He stood up, without a word as he was ushered out of the great all

Loud whispering and conspiracies filled the hall, ridiculous ideas and profound profanities slipped out of the students mouths

“Silence!” Dumbledores voice boomed over the room “there will be nothing of that sort”

The hall went back to normal chatter, but y/n couldn’t stop thinking about how Sirius was

“They’re so awful, I won’t let them take him away” James placed his fork down, his appetite coming to a close

“How damaged do you have to be to treat your own child like that? Merlin can only hope she kicks the bucket in a few years” Remus sipped his pumpkin juice, leaving the group to let out a shocked laugh “what? As if you weren’t thinking the same”

All of their childhood Sirius showed such rebellion against his parents. Rightfully so, however, the group of them always found themselves cleaning him up after an awful fight. He had such horrible scars all over his body, reminding him of where he came from and how the people he called family really cared about him. She couldn’t leave him alone, not now

“I have to go” y/n stood abruptly “please, cover for me”

James wanted to retort, to refuse and insist that he go instead but he thought against it and nodded instead. Remus and Peter smiled in approval, with lily saying a ‘send my love’ as she began walking away

She rushed rather quickly out of the hall, ignoring Filches reprimands as she pushed past him.

The castle was so confusing at night, all of the dark halls twists and turns left her so confused, even after all these years of her being here. She finally located the steps, jogging up them and catching her breath when they’d shift in place. She looked above her, admiring how close the fat lady was. Just two flights.

She stepped onto the revolving area, leaping and tripping as she watched the fat lady open, Regulus coming out of it. She froze for a moment, watching as he came down the stairs towards her with speed. He didn’t even notice she was there, before her hand met his arm. He flinched, falling back slightly.

“Sorry!” She said quickly. His face softened as he saw her, breathing out in relief “It’s only you” he whispered “could you take care of him? Please?” He begged

“Of course” she assured him, smiling

“I really need you to make sure he’s okay from now on. Tell him not to worry about me, you can’t let him mourn me” Regulus seemed so scared for such a young boy. He was only 15, acting as if the whole world was on his shoulders. In a way it was, she supposed. He was now the black heir

“You’re not dead, Regulus” she shook her head “you have us if you need an escape. Always” he chuckled, wishing it was all that simple. He said goodbye with a nod, running down the stairs with as much speed as he did moments before.

She scrambled up the stairs, regaining her focus on the mission and entering the common room. She looked around, only seeing a few Gryffindors before going up the stairs and knocking lightly on the wooden frame

“Sirius?” Her fingers met the door of his dorm room, closing it softly behind her. The boy she chased after was pacing the room, his hands running through his hair. He didn’t dare stop moving as she entered, even though her presence filled him with comfort

“I’d rather you not mock me right now” he took a deep breath, his fists balling up. She crossed her arms, watching him for a moment longer

“I’m not here to mock you” her voice spoke softly “are you alright?”

He scoffed, shaking his head and passing his tongue over his bottom lip “I’m feeling fantastic, over the moon actually”

She tried to focus, wanting to say something kind but all of his pacing was making her dizzy. She got tired of it, walking over to him and stopping him on his next lap. She caught his shoulders, stopping his movement and making him look at her

“You deserve so much more than them. I know how hard its been since you moved in with James — its okay to feel angry, its even okay to cry. You’ve been dealt an unnecessarily hard situation and I need you to know I’ll always be here for you. You’re my best friend Sirius, theres never a moment where you have to be hiding your feelings when you’re around me”

He was slowly becoming overwhelmed. In an attempt to cover his emotions, he brought her into a warm hug, bonecrushing in fact. She couldn’t care less that she was struggling to breathe, pulling his head down to the crook of her neck and slowly rocking side to side, as she did with the mandrake. He gripped her sweater, playing with the hems on the bottom

“I just don’t understand why they have to be like that, why couldn’t I just have a normal family?” He sobbed into her shoulder

“It’s not your fault my love, it never was. You’re amazing just as you are, so many other people love you” she began, bringing his face up “you can create your own family and be happy with us. It isn’t the same, I know, but you deserve an amazing and joyful life”

“I want to be happy and forget her, I do, but I can’t get her voice out of my head” he took a shaky breath “toujours pur, Sirius, that’s another ten lashings for you. Toujours pur, Sirius, why did you have to go and get all dirty in the yard?”

It never got simple seeing him like this, a shaky and hurt ghost of himself. Sirius chose to carry himself with confidence around everyone, exuding everything but a single weakness. It was to protect himself, even if it meant being insensitive to certain people he loved sometimes. Being on top of things and organising pranks let him be in control. Something he never had as a child

“She’s never going to hurt you again, you never have to worry about those things happening to you. We’re all here to protect you, no matter what”

He nodded slowly taking one more deep breath “Merlin that was so humiliating, her howlers get worse by the year” he placed her forehead against hers, smiling slightly “she sounds so stupid with her overly posh accent”

“Don’t be daft Sirius, don’t you know she’s convinced that she’s the wizard version of the muggle queen?” He giggled softly, pulling away and resting a hand on her waist. She noticed it, her face warming up but he seemed to be somewhere else entirely

“I like it when you’re nice to me, you know. You’re really important to me, even though I act like a twat sometimes” he admitted, smiling down at her

“Mega twat is more fitting” she teased

“I’m being sentimental!”

“You’re important to me too” she stepped back, releasing herself from him and guiding him over to his bed. They both sat, him on the edge and her leaning against his headboard “now, I’m not leaving until you fall asleep so you better get creative”

He was going to retaliate but an idea popped into his mind, making him smile widely “I’ve been meaning to give you something”

“Wait here for a moment” Sirius sprung up, rummaging through one of his drawers for something. She giggled, watching his face sparkle as he found what he was looking for

“No peeking!” His voice cracked, making her raise her hands “close your eyes” he turned around as she followed his order, opening her hands and feeling a cool substance meet her fingertips. She felt around at the beads, opening her eyes to reveal a glimmering pearl necklace. Some were pearly white and others were light pink, absorbing the lights reflection

“Merlin, would you be careful!” He yelped, grabbing her arm “I’d prefer if you didn’t die on my watch”

They both trudged through the merky water, their trousers rolled up to their knees “I swear I’m almost done, I just need to find one more”

Y/n had taken Sirius with her to search for oysters. There was a small farm just outside of Brighton and she was determined to find pearls to make a necklace she had always wanted. Nobody else would go with her, too busy studying so she blackmailed Sirius into going with her. He was hesitant at first, but the thought of her going alone and falling flat on her face in shallow water was something too comical for him to pass up. To her delight, it was him that fell down first, his nice white shirt was now covered in algae and smelled of the ocean.

“You have them safe right?” She asked him over her shoulder, her fingers still interlocked with his “yes, in the bag you gave me”

She stopped, crouching down and searching the water with her free hand. A sharp object poked her palm, so she pulled it up to reveal the final oyster “oh! Look! I found one!”

She brought it between them grinning up at him. His eyes widened and he took the object from her, shoving it in the bag and taking her hands into his “sweetheart, you’re bleeding”

She hadn’t noticed. He took the small scarf wrapped around his neck and tied it around her palm, applying pressure onto the wound. She winced, cautious of his reaction “we should go back, before you bleed out”

“Sirius!”

“What! I don’t want sharks to come and nibble on us”

“I thought I lost them” she played with the necklace, twirling it

“I got it made a few days ago, took me ages to find a place in hogsmeade that could do it quickly. I was saving it for your birthday”

All at once an overwhelming feeling came over her. The memories she shared they would cherish forever, meaning so much more to her than in just a friendly way. Her instincts took over, with her lips meeting his before she could even put the thought together.

It was everything she had ever hoped for, his lips craving hers with just as much ferocity. He leaned forward, supporting her back with his hand

“Sirius-“ she pulled back, nervous

He shook his head, pulling her back in and placing both hands on her cheeks

They had gotten together in the spring, just after her birthday. He had made a big show of flowers and beautifully decorated scrapbooks as a way of asking her out. She saw this as the start of a love like one in the movies that she watched as a child, one where they would both grow up to have kids and be married until their last dying breath. Merlin, she counted her lucky stars for it to finally be real

It was so simple at the beginning. Everything she ever wanted.

“Sirius!” She came into his dorm, back first, holding a small golden charm. Sirius had an obsession with charms, kept them in a little red box. Each charm was a different memory, symbolising points in his life. She thought it would’ve been nice for her to be in there, so y/n spent all day in hogsmeade, looking for the perfect thing. She settled on a small sun, the size of a coin. It was gorgeous, the colour of copper with little diamonds placed in the middle. Their special memory.

The lights were dimmed, so she turned them on before looking towards his bed. He was sitting, under his covers and contemplating something. It seemed as if he was in another world. She crept over to him, shaking his shoulder

“Darling" she was so excited, her smile wide but his face turned ghostly. He finally looked up at her, plastering a grin and blinking slowly

“Whats wrong?” Her guard was up now. Why was he acting so strange?

Sirius shook his head, bringing her towards him and kissing her “Nothing, just tired”

“Well, I went shopping today because I wanted to get you something — I don’t know if you’ll-“

He cut her off, taking her hands in his and feeling the charm drop into his palms “don’t be ridiculous! Of course I’ll love it”

Sirius bit his lip nervously as his hands opened to reveal her present. His eyes were watery, full of an emotion she couldn’t quite read. It was quiet as she watched him admire it, his fingers dancing over the object. As she settled into the environment she noticed something

The shower?

“Were you about to shower?” Her head turned to the door, ready to walk over

“No!” He yelped, grabbing her face to look back at him. She shook him off, confused by his behaviour “Its nothing, just James”

In a matter of seconds, the door opened. Three boys came in laughing, talking about an event that happened over lunch

“Good afternoon lovers, sorry to disrupt the party” James greeted her first, ruffling her hair and smiling at Sirius

Her brain hadn’t registered it yet, it was only her body that began to react. Y/n began to feel sick, wanting to put a pause button on reality. She knew what he was like, she’d been warned by so many other people, but for some reason she was convinced that she was special. Just maybe, she could break his record

Sirius couldn’t keep his eyes off her, watching how she was reacting to the situation at hand. He tried to touch her, shake her out of her silence but she pulled away

“Who’s in the shower, Sirius?”

He stayed silent, the boys around them falling mute.

“Y/n-“

“Answer my question” her stern voice shocked him. He recoiled, running a nervous hand through his hair. It was just then that she noticed he was shirtless, the rest of his body under the sheets.

“I can’t” was what he replied

He couldn’t tell her? Was he serious? She was begging to feel light headed, worry filling her to the brim

“Could you just be honest?” She pleaded now, her hands shaking. His fingers kept finding hers, to which she kept rejecting “Please”  

“Emmeline Vance” she heard a voice from behind her, shrill and quiet. It was Peter. How he knew, she didn't care. All she could feel was sorrow.

Sirius sent him a look, which made Peter step closer to James who was now next to him

How could she not have known? They had been potion partners for the week. They was always laughing and smiling from his table, but she trusted him. Emmeline would touch his arm and bat her eyes but she always believed he was trustworthy. She put every ounce of trust and love into him that she never thought he could ever do such a thing

“You kissed me, right after you fucked her?” y/n stood now, turning her head. She was waiting for a response, but for the first time in his life, Sirius Black was speechless. He scrambled under the sheets for clothes, hurriedly dressing as she began pacing the room

All her life she had searched for this validation. All of this time with him she spent in such a daze, admiring every part of him. She loved his smile and the way he would say goodnight before bed. He always made sure to pull the blanket over her ears because of her silly fear of spiders crawling into them at night. Y/n thought that he was perfect, in every single way imaginable. It took her a total of one minute to decide that she never wanted to talk to him after today. Just the sight of him from her peripheral made her want to throw up. How could he do this?

The three boys watched her do laps, confused. Remus was even getting dizzy, needing to take his medication but just like the other boys he wouldn’t dare make a sound  

“What is it about me that wasn’t enough?” She stopped, walking over to him now “No, really Sirius. I want you to be honest — was I too simple for you?”

“y/n” he stood, stepping closer to her “let me explain-“

“Is it just the chase that you crave? For fucks sake, why did you have to pick me?” Y/n pushed him back, fighting the urge to cry. She was not going to cry in front of him

“You have no idea how much I love you, how many times a day I would do nice things for you — you never picked up on anything, should I have even bothered?” Sirius’ cheeks began to glow red, embarrassment consuming his being. She was still in such shock, picking at the skin of her fingers to feel a sliver of emotion

“Please, just listen to me, it isn’t what you think” he began, using his hands to speak

“Oh! Well please go ahead and enlighten me because I was under the impression you were fucking your potions partner” she stabbed a finger into his chest, his feet stumbling as he leant against the wall

“It was just-“ he tried to speak, stuttering and mumbling between an unnecessarily prolonged sentence. She was waiting for him to say something valuable, something worth her time, something that could explain and wrap this whole situation in a little parcel and be put away to never be spoken of again. But of course, love is never that simple.

“I spent a year with you, I showed you things I’ve never shown anyone before — I gave you every part of myself and you threw away for someone who barely even know” she breathed out heavily, shaking her hands and feeling disgust for the boy in front of her

“How could I have been so coy? You are Sirius Black after all” his face softened, but she didn’t have the emotional capability to care in this moment “your reputation perceives you perfectly”

“I want to be with you, I only want you“ Sirius begged “I’m sorry, just please-“

“You don’t want me, you don’t even care about me. You only care about yourself” she couldn’t stand to look at him for much longer “I can’t believe I trusted you. People like you never change — all you do is hurt the ones you love”

His mouth was left agape, his fingers fiddling with the hems of his shirt. She had never seen him so inconsolable. Y/n wanted to comfort him, to say something nice that would make everything okay again but he had lost her trust.

He had lost every part of her. Sirius Black lost the one person he loved more than anything

Sirius tried one more to speak, but he was once again mute

“I’ve been thinking, recently” he began

“Great job, darling” she leant down, kissing his forehead softly. She rolled his blanket down, waving her wand over the few seeping wounds “It’s always good to keep an active mind” she placed fresh plasters on his arms and chest, watching his face to see if he was in any pain

“Seriously” he chuckled

“Alright, what’s up” she wrapped the bandages around and finished them off, clipping them closed

“What do you want tomorrow?” He asked nonchalantly, stopping her hand with his own. He rubbed the back of her hand, bringing her eyes to his

Its not that she hated her birthday, it was just that there were so many more important things going on. It was their seventh year with final exams just around the corner. Not to mention, it was her first birthday without being able to speak to her parents. They were highly establish aurors who were recently forced into hiding.

“Nothing in particular” she shook her head “a day with our friends and the night with you will do”

“So modest, sweetheart” he tuts his head, grabbing her waist and pulling her onto the bed on top of him

“Remus!” She yelped, making sure not to lean or fall on his cuts “careful” she insisted, hopping off of him and reaching forward, playing with his hair and tucking the longer strands out of his eyes

“Sleep in here tonight” he begged. She bit the inside of her lip and he kept persisting, reaching up slightly and kissing her neck tenderly

“Okay, alright. I will” she hummed, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the side

“Have some modesty! This isn’t a brothel” Sirius sneered, making her look up and widen her eyes. She practically dove off him, slamming her bed against the headboard. Sirius was leaning his back on the wall, arms crossed and smirk wider than ever

“Always a crack up, aren’t you?” She adjusted herself comfortably against the bed frame

“Evening sunshine” James trailed in behind Sirius “excited for tomorrow?” James glowed, walking over to her and grabbing her hands

“How about a quick breakfast then a trip to hogsmeade, we can go to that little crystal shop you like” he paused, beginning to dance, twirling himself under her arms “oh! And then get some food from the kitchen and have dinner near the black lake” James smiled down at her, causing her to smile back. He took her face in his hands, kissing her forehead

“Happy you agree” James leant against the counter, crossing his arms and eyeing the surroundings. With Remus coming here so often, Pompfrey conjured up a personal room for him after his transformations. It took a few months to pull off, decorating the room with red and gold banners (James’ touch) and peppering different crystals around all the counters.

“That sounds nice, actually” she admits, causing a round of quiet applause

“Good” Remus smiled, leaning up on his elbow

“You feeling better mate?” Sirius finally asked, sitting at the foot of the bed

“Yes love, peachy” Remus poked his tongue out

The four talked for a while, before y/n ushered them all out in an attempt for Remus to get a good nights sleep. She was always so bossy this time of month, making his time in the hospital wing as enjoyable as possible. He would never dare critique what she was doing… always entertained at her passion for caring for him.

<3 The next morning… :) <3

A soft kiss was placed on her temple, causing her to squint her eyes and scrunch her nose.

She ignored it at first, before several rain shower of soft kisses peppered across her cheeks and forehead, making her giggle

“Remus” she smiled, feeling the kisses trail down to her neck. She leant her head back, placing her fingers at the back of his neck “good morning”

He kissed tenderly and begin to suck softly, beginning to leave a tender mark on her neck. She eased into it, tugging at the back of his hair

“No hickeys that high up!” She squealed, coming back down to earth and pulling his face up to hers, planting a long kiss on his soft lips “got too excited” he smiled, tilting his head and kissing her again

“Come on” he said between kisses “breakfast will start soon”

“5 more minutes” she said, rolling up and adjusting herself to straddle Remus’ body. She leaned into him, allowing his hands to explore her waist and thighs. She was focused on the kiss, until Remus pressed down in the dips of her waist, making her let out a big laugh

“Quit it!” She begged as he ticked her mercilessly. He supported her back, feeling her lean away from him. He stopped ticking, pulling her back in and placing a kiss on her cheek. She settled back in her knees, sitting softly on his lap

“Happy birthday, love” he wipes a few stray hairs from her forehead, guiding his hand down to her cheek and rubbing softly

“You’re already dressed?” She commented, looking down at his ensemble. A brown grandma sweater that he stole from her closet and dark green slacks.  

“I got up early, had to make sure I could actually move this morning” she hopped off his lap, flopping down and crossing her legs. The boy sauntered off the bed, standing in front of her and walking back and forth the length of the room. Remus began gesturing his hands at his legs, his face brightening 

“Very good” she nodded and he leant down, placing a peck on her lips

“Now come on! Breakfast then the common room” she screwed her face. Common room? “Presents, y/n” he raised his brows, shoving her shoulder. She rolled her eyes, taking hold of his shoulder as he kissed her forehead