Clem’s corner

"Oh no you've been brainwashed into a shell of your former true self" this is my true self asshole! you've just constructed a false version of me in your head that agrees with you and you're treating deviation from that ideal you've forced on me as the product of mind control! you're not as different to your father as you'd like huh?

the spiral eyes and endless devotion to the demon princess are entirely coincidental

when I was a kid I wished I had nosebleeds. I had some friends who had them and I was like. that looks so fucking cool. you're just sitting there and suddenly you're covered in blood. it looks so dramatic. it looks so... and here my language failed me. at such a humble age I did not have the vocabulary to describe the sublime. I just sat in incomprehensible jealousy. I turned out totally normal by the way

"Putting your village to the sword" is such a barbaric way to phrase it. I prefer to think of what I did as "taking preemptive action to neutralize a potential threat to the Demon Lord's interests in the region"

me: Do not stick your fingers into a meat grinder. The machine cannot tell the difference between human flesh and dead meat, and will grind both of them into ground meat all the same. It is in your best interest to never stick your fingers inside an operating meat grinder. reply 1: Actually meat grinders are an evil capitalist plot, they were invented as a way to make meat workers more efficient than they would be if they were grinding the meat by beating two rocks together. Back then it was perfectly safe to put your fingers between the meat-banging rocks when you were working, so therefore it is evil to expect me to not do that with meat grinders. It's entirely the fault of capitalism that I had to learn how to type this fast with my toes. reply 2: But that's not true?? You can't make ground meat from fingers. Meat they put into ground meat is different from human hands, fingers have bones in them, it would break the machine. reply 3: Wait is this true?? is this a joke?? I don't get it, I put my fingers in guys from grindr all the time and I still have all my fingers??

Grave offerings and burying the dead with tools and goods is actually such a deeply human thing to do. It's not really even necessarily about how much you believe in a literal afterlife or them taking the tools with them. It's also just going Wait, I'm Not Done Taking Care Of You, let me make you one more pair of socks so your feet won't be cold when you go wherever it is where I can't follow.

How do I communicate to this bird outside our window that its song is repetitive, derivative, and frankly kind of ass. You can't get bitches by just repeating the same five notes over and over, buddy.

i wish i could point at my mom and be like ah yes thats the tool that gave me social anxiety but comically my parents were actually fairly chill. like i was never threatened with punishment but kid me decided to construct my own rules and then lived in constant fear of breaking them. like girl at least it makes sense when the catholics get haunted by guilt. what was my excuse.

they're hiring me at the extra virgin olive oil factory as the oathsworn knight who protects the chastity of the olives

they should invent an apartment that has huge windows but is never too hot and is near everything i like and all my friends but is also quiet when i want it to be and costs zero dollars or perhaps they pay me to live in. and they save it just for me so i dont have to look for it :)