Clear

She had a valid reason to crash out. She predicted the future, she said be careful - it's hot, and I still spilt it. She handled it a lot better than what I would have done in her position, especially since she'd just warned me before I went to grab the soup out the microwave. She exercised patience, gave me grace and helped me clean up. But what she said afterwards sent me down a spiral. Was she catching herself, while I was cleaning up, making a bad situation worse by applying the wrong cleaning techniques. Did she notice my hesitant tone when asking about the buckets to place the mittens. Is she wary of weaponized incompetence, where that may not be my original intention, but over time my behaviour morphs to fit that mould. Then I start to reflect, why am I the way that I am. Not noticing details, that she'd shifted the clothes rack all by herself, I only noticed when I went to take my towel. I organise my life with rules (negative - in the sense of - what not to do), and I try to avoid stuffing up as much as I can. But I rarely ever think in terms of taking positive action, of what to do. My life is to try to minimise error, and that is achievable, if you don't try anything. Wife wants variety, I might stuff up the first couple times, but maybe I'll add lasagne to the repetoire. It's a small micro-casm, what happens when - oh next time you can take it out the microwave, but then I never get to learn. I don't even get to fail, which one could argue is worse than not even trying. Maybe that's what she was trying to say - don't let your fear of me reprimanding you stop you from trying things. Go out there and try new things. She even gave me a consolatory hug last night, after I spent 2 hours cooking a soup which she said was reminiscent of puke. lol arguably worse than spilling soup, but we were sick and I thought adding extra lemon would help. I took a gamble, but it didn't turn out well. I would like to try new things, and think less in terms of error & inconvenience minimization. What can I do, instead of what should I not do. What's the point of self-preservation when there's no growth.

Heard it on modern wisdom - wanted to note it down Originally from christopher hitchens "One melancholy lesson of advancing years is the realization that you can't make old friends".

Just like that man, it's been 24 years since the korea/japan world cup. Pretty surreal to be honest, how much time has just passed.

Helping me with my car keys, fixing a whole cabinet by herself (I looked at the instructions and was like man where do I start). I always remember her fixing my glasses on a roadtrip, and perhaps that was first time I was smitten

Went down a rabbit hole of a youtuber that looks into the inner workings of memorable film and television scores / themes. Came across the one for the severance theme, remembered the loop I used to put on, and that dug up the old footage I shot on my last day at work and juxtaposed it, using the theme as a bgm knowing it would be pretty apt. I also can't quite believe we are in June already. Around this time last year I was staring down the barrel of what would turn out to be months of unemployment, sleeping late, waking up late. Even now as my wife is still nervously anticipating what her new role will be, work continues to be an ever present struggle we have to grapple with in our lives. News of job cuts being on the cards in our sector also does not help. But what can you do? The shareholders need the cost savings. As I look back on the footage of those last days, taking public transport to the CBD, having the office to myself with no colleagues. The winter rain battering the glass windows of the offices, and a sunset from a vantage point which I'd never get to set foot in. I try to take it in one last time as I go about my business of shredding documents that no longer have any use. I told my wife, my coping mechanism for some of the stressful times in my life was to disassociate and wind all the way back from myself, to know that in 200 years time no one will know who I am, who I was, what I did, what I could've done. Small speck in the galaxy (apparently according to stephen fry in a random youtube video about the odyessy , galaxy has a root word in lactate - and that galaxy actually refers to some celestial streak of some divine lactation). I don't know if that's necessarily a good way to look at it. In the big scheme of things, our pressures, our stresses, our fk ups, all culminate in death, so I try to keep the perspective if things get overwhelming. Haha the work is necessary and mysterious. Severance is a good show, with regards to how we can unplug, how employment can almost be a separate reality. Project hail mary was a nice watch, was kinda hopeful in a wierd way even though the background context was kinda disturbing. Taken against your own will. While we can continue to survive in late stage capitalism, take it while we can. I do assessments that I'm not the fondest of, but which I need to do to continue this grind. Is it all just a matter of time, just milk it while you can? I don't have the answers. But almost a year on, the uncertanities still have not alievated, it's just a different set of problems. To be alive is to encounter challenges, some set of problems I guess are preferable to others, but we're constantly stuck in this matrix where we'd have to make overcome in challenge in increments. But I easily see how easily it is to just descend into absolute struggle. Just one bad day, one unfortunate accident. Worries abound, you just control what you can control.

I did not buy a 5070ti + intel 265kf combo to just have video projects go on endlessly. For so long I was so worried about upgrading, and how it would mess up the working file, and everything wouldn't sync over. I have a brand new machine, renders videos in a couple hours of what used to take days, and I'm still not doing any work, but playing games. Previous me would be kicking future me now, not using the resources I have before me. I need to do better.