Nox

I wish I was a cute girl so that I could wear cute outfits and kiss other cute girls

When will I find my introverted, quiet and shy but can't stop talking about her favorite subject when you get to know her, anime loving gf?

I just want to be loved, I just want someone to want me, and care about me

Is it a condition, or a syndrome, or a specific mental illness to thoroughly hate yourself and think you're worthless and wish you weren't you?

I just want someone to make me feel warm

When I commit suicide, I want to make posts about it with photos on the internet before I die, that way maybe I'll feel just a little bit important before I kick the bucket

Im going to therapy, I'm taking meds, I go on walks, get enough sunlight, touch grass, participate in my hobbies, it's helped in the way that there are days where I'm not feeling miserable, but I still don't feel happy, I still don't have expectations for the future, I still don't have a purpose, I still don't feel interest in living, I live because I have to, I'm forced to, but I don't want to stay alive, I'm just surviving until I can die, is this what my existence is meant to be? Was I not meant to be happy?

I end up posting my feelings and venting on the internet because I have no one I can tell, but no one cares either