diary of a psychic

I am a survivor of incestous CSA that was heavily repressed until I was 29. Even before then, my underdeveloped psychic abilities was how I managed to escape a very insane situation. Do you have any insights to how my natal chart and history might affect my psychic abilities and how to further develop them?

Hello, thank you for sharing Anon.

I am so sorry that you experienced incestuous CSA. God bless you and your child self. May you and your inner child know that you remain beautiful, precious, and pure 🤍.

Also, well done for being able to navigate your way out of an insane situation through your own instincts. I'm so happy you are able to recognize that you had a strength there even then that can continue to be developed, because you're exactly right.

Yes I can see how your natal chart and history may have interplayed in relation to your psychic abilities. First of all, you're an 8th house sun, in libra no less, so I can see how your beauty and appeal was experienced in a dark way. The 8th house is the house of the Shadow; where we throw all the dark and difficult things we want to pretend don't exist, like death, sex and trauma, for example. People with significant 8th house placements can often have a sexual trauma signature.

Like I said, it's great that you were able to navigate your way out of this convoluted situation and, crucially, that you can recognize that that is what happened. This means you already have some relationship to your psychic abilities. Because yes, the 8th house is also associated with the psychic, unseen realms. I think largely as a way to explain the dark, extremely difficult, or painful shit that happens through our engagement with the shadow realms.

So yes, you are psychic. How to further develop this? I feel like you're not gonna like this answer, but, meditation, meditation, meditation. Since you're on the taurus/scorpio, 8th house/2nd house axis, I have a feeling that purely stillness meditation may not feel great to you. You may be able to access a meditative state through more active meditation like through doing yoga, dancing, or some physical activity. That said, I might be completely wrong, and you may really like stillness meditation. Either way, practice meditation more and more. Find out which method(s) feel good to you and help you feel the most at peace. This will set you up to develop your psychic abilities.

Hello,

Hmm you are similar to me. I have sun, moon, and mercury in the 12th as well. I don't have pluto, but I have experienced it in a solar return, so I know what that feels like too. You in particular are really being called into mysticism. You have no choice but to be a mystic.

Don't worry about never having experienced vivid otherwordly stuff. A lot of what you'll hear and read online about the 12th will be related to paranormal activity, but I also haven't had significant experiences with the paranormal-

Or so I thought.

The thing about the 12th house is that your experience of it will be deeply coloured by the sign of the planets that are in that house. For example, my 12th house sun, moon and mercury are all in virgo. So while I'm in the 12th house being exposed to all sorts of psychic material, I am perceiving and engaging with this psychic material in a virgo sort of way. So it mostly manifests intellectually and mundanely. For example, I have always been deeply claircognizant. I think that's my most dominant clair (i.e. psychic antenna).

I wonder what signs your 12th house planets are in? It sounds like you might be fairly earthy, or perhaps airy, if you haven't experienced psychic stuff so viscerally. The psychic realm is also very, very subtle. And you have to get used to consciously perceiving the subtle realms to truly access that experience. Try finding a way to meditate that feels accessible to you - if stillness meditations aren't it, try walking, dancing, or exercise meditations. Or whatever works. This will help you develop your capacity to perceive the subtle realms. And from there, all shall be revealed...

Also, this dominance happens quite gradually. If you're sensitive enough, you'll notice that the longer you are exposed to them, the more they take over your psychic space. The more they take over your reality - the more you start living their reality as opposed to your own.

And I don't say this with malice. Nor do I believe they are malicious in doing this. It's just the nature of scorpio. Remember, it's ruled by Mars. scorpio is inherently martian. It is inherently trying to dominate; to conquer, to be the last one standing.

I don't know...general advice I would always give to 12h stelliums is to develop a regular meditation practice. Daily is ideal. And follow your interests more than the world's. Even if it isolates you to the end of the earth and beyond.

It's hard to find an accurate description of Uranus in the 4th, and I think a lot of that is due to not having a deep enough understanding of the 4th house. Yes, the 4th house is family, but that's only really the outermost, most tangible layer of this area of life. What it's really about, is your psychological foundation and in many ways, the very nature of your reality.

Why? Because reality is in fact, deeply subjective. We think reality is fixed - that we are all living in the same world, and having the exact same experience of the world we find ourselves in. But we are not. You see, reality, like the 4th house and like Cancer, is subjective. Perception is subjective.

And so we have laid the foundation for our sojourn into the uranian 4th house...

First of all I will start off by saying, having generational planets in the 4th house is insane. It's an insane experience because you have such big, complex energies in such a foundational part of yourself. As someone with both Neptune and Uranus in her 4th house, I can confirm that what it makes for is a very overwhelming experience of yourself, your life, and your reality. And the fundamental inability to connect with people who aren't so innately complex.

Anyway, let's go back to the statement I made that began this post - Uranus in the 4H is like America Chavez's ability to travel the multiverse. To have Uranus in the 4th is to be a time traveller. But not so much in the traditional, Dr. Who way (although the tone is still accurate). More so in an esoteric way. To have Uranus in the 4th house is to be a Timeline Navigator (please read Pippa Oona's work on this). It is to constantly be ripped into new realities and timelines that were vastly different from the one you were in before. Because, you see, for a 4H uranian, reality never stays the same for too long. For me personally, it's about every 3 years. Every 3-4 years, the ground beneath my feet opens up and swallows everything I once knew. I then find myself in a vastly new environment living a vastly different life.

This reminds me so much of how America Chavez was ripped from her family of origin in an instant because of her powers. Reality opened up and she was forced out of her comfort, her home, her safety and all that she knew into a wholly different life and reality and way of being, all at once. Now that's some Uranus in the 4th trauma. And it's the suddenness of it. The instantaneousness of it. Uranus doesn't give a fuck. It just says BOOM, this is over. Everything is different now, and you're just expected to role with it. It's so jarring. And it makes it extremely hard to understand yourself with any level of continuity.

It also makes it very hard for other people to understand you with any level of continuity. Tbh, you can kind of only have certain people around you. Most people genuinely can't hang because they're not detached enough. They're not, for lack of a better word, evolved enough. Because Uranus requires a significant amount of detachment in order to be digested. That's what I have come to find out after a few years of being conscious of this placement in myself. The only people I can really continue to do life with, the only people that can stay with me through the transitions are those who understand my essence; who can see my essence and engage with and experience me from that place and not from whatever my external appearance or circumstances may be. Those who are not attached to the fixity of reality; who don't need the assurance of a post code, a hometown, the government, and for things to stay the same to be able to process or understand something. And that, frankly, is not most people.

Uranus in the 4H is traumatic. I've been seeing astrologers presenting the natal Uranus placement as indications of your trauma more and more lately and wow, ain't that the truth. Uranus in the 4th is even more traumatic in that no one wants that kind of shake up in your fucking 4th house! The 4th is meant to be the house of familiarity, the house and energies you can draw from to feel safe and at ease. The place of which you can be sure. The place that always stays the same, when everything else in the world changes. Having Uranus in there means you don't get that comfort. You don't get that assurance and that familiarity - the foundation of your reality is not fixed. It's prone to sudden shifts of an immensely chaotic nature that completely turn your world upside down.

And yeah, like America Chavez, it makes you very good at fitting in everywhere because you're exposed to so many different realities and are very comfortable with the discomfort of change and newness. This makes you very fluid on a multiversal level. But damn, the level of discomfort you have to endure to get there...

Hi would you describe and what advice would you give for someone who’s sun, mercury, Jupiter and Saturn falls in 12th house?

Hi,

Spend time alone. Disconnect from the collective consciousness, hive mind, and the collective emotional system. Research yourself. Research the Truth about what Life is. Know yourself better than anyone else ever will. Get in touch with your own opinions and perspectives. Oh and connect with your Angels. Ask them for help.

You are the collective unconscious more than you are a person, and that’s hard to manage. You have to learn how to be Keeper of the Ocean, and that’s going to take time. You need to learn how to navigate the seas of everyone’s thoughts and impulses. Meditate, meditate, meditate. That should’ve been the first thing I said. You will know none of this without some form of regular meditation. Again, figuring out your groove in this takes time, but keep trying. All this will make much more sense to you once you have a regular meditation practice - ideally daily.

Hope this helps,

The quieter it gets, the further I can go.

There are certain parts of the mind and the human experience that you can only reach when the more mundane, superficial, or trivial parts are negated. This is what is meant by "yin mode". The psychic experience is very yin. It's about negation. You have to take things away to find what you didn't know you were looking for. I only found myself once I negated everything. Once I silenced the world around me, the world in my phone, the world in other people's voices.

I love silence, but I so rarely get to enjoy it. People are so averse to silence, to nothingness. I work in a school where noise is worshipped and promoted. I live in a city where people would much rather have something rather than nothing. I live with three other people, one of which is energetically (and literally) very loud. Because that's another thing - people can be loud without saying a word. I can hear energy; hear how much is in their auras or rather, how much they insist on being recognised as alive. I'm not sure that that makes sense. But basically, it's how much they need their ego validated. That's what makes people loud. That's what makes people fear silence so. It's because silence and quietness does not validate them. It doesn't validate their ego. It doesn't remind them that they exist and that they're here. Because it is most people's biggest fear to not exist. To be rendered nothing.

Yet it is my greatest pleasure.

"Miss, what happens when we die? Cause I don't want it to just be blackness" a child at my school asked me with nonchalance.

I currently do not have the answers.

I'm trying. I'm trying to be a normal person who has a job and makes money for herself. But my insomnia makes me feel like such a fraud. Makes me feel like this psycho who is lying to everyone that she can do it and who will inevitably drop the ball. That's what I'm most scared of; dropping the ball. Failing. Fucking up at work irredeemably, failing my master's, or even just fainting, not being able to get out of bed despite barely being able to sleep in it. I'm so scared of not being able to do this and being dragged back into the 12th house, where I feel at home yes, but where I also feel even more scared because then what? Then what am I supposed to do with my life if I can't live in this country on my own and keep a job? What will I do with my life, then? And how on earth will I live the next god knows how many more years on this planet in this body and Life as [insert my avatar name here]?

I really, really want to sleep. I just don't know how.

Oh yeah, I also broke up with the love of my life about a month ago. I think that may be the main reason why I'm averaging 3-4 hours a night.

praying for the courage to surrender to sleep

I'm having a really hard time right now. My relationship with my boyfriend of nearly three years ended two weeks ago. I moved to a whole other continent, a whole new city, left my family home and now I have a rental agreement. But I can't do it. I have so much anxiety around working and maintaining responsibilities that I haven't been able to work since I got back from the christmas holidays and I don't know if I'll be able to again. Genuinely. And that's really scary for me to say as a virgo stellium with a 10h mars who can usually buckle down and endure the pain and discomfort of feigning normality.

But now I can't. This time I can't. I can't do it. And that terrifies me. It terrifies me.

I hate fucking being a 12h stellium. I really fucking do. It only feels good when I'm away from the world; when I'm outside of the matrix and of the weight of density. But apparently I can't live a life away from the matrix forever. I did, for the past four years. I stabilized so much during that time. I healed so much, made a home in my body, and actually started to become a decent psychic. Not to mention starting this blog.

But now I'm back in the stupid fucking world and I can't do it. I can't fucking do it.

I can feel how people perceive me and sometimes it imprisons me.

We co-create reality, you see. Not just with the divine, but with each other too.

I guess it's time for me to talk about reality wars.

As people, we are constantly in wars with each other to determine which of our perceptions of reality will be dominant. There is not just one reality. There are several, many. Perhaps even infinite. We are all in our own worlds living our own realities. However, it doesn't seem that way because we are often forced to subscribe to the reality that is most dominant. This can be known as "consensus reality". Consensus reality is the collectively agreed upon reality. It's what we have decided "reality" is, and is usually what people are referring to when they say things like "come back to reality" or "join us in reality". However, it is important to remember that it's not the only reality. It's just the one we've agreed upon. There is my reality, your reality, their reality, and then the reality that we have agreed that we are in together <- Consensus reality.

So we are constantly in reality wars: The battle between the various realities each one of us is generating and projecting.

Sometimes I feel imprisoned by someone else's perception of me because in that moment, their reality is more dominant than mine. They are winning the reality war. I often experienced this back when I lived in Kenya, my home country. Kenyan culture is very collectivist so people pay a lot of attention to other people; what they're doing, how they're showing up, what they think of them etc etc. I would often feel so imprisoned and restricted by how other people were perceiving me there that I had to be alone. I had to isolate myself. Now, I'm naturally a very solitary person already, and much of that is because I want to be in my own reality. Not in the reality of other people in which they are perceiving me inaccurately. Because that's what would happen in Kenya. People were so attached to their perceptions of me, and even to their need to perceive me in general, and their perceptions were wrong. They were wrong. Inaccurate.

Because that's the problem you see. What do you do when the version of you in other people's reality doesn't match up with how you see yourself in your reality? That's going to cause problems for you in a plethora of ways. As a mystic I especially have this problem because people are always perceiving me incorrectly. They are always inaccurate in their perception of me. And for years I got caught up in that; taking on the personas and perceptions others had developed of me and wearing them like they were my own. Like they were who I really was. Except they weren't. I am a mystic. That's the most accurate description of what and who I am. But of course people never see that. Most people don't even know what that is. It's a level of perception you have to be initiated into. So I exist outside of the standard field of perception of probably 99% of people. I exist outside of the realities of the vast majority of people.

This is why I'm so drawn to being alone and not being perceived by others. Because they perceive me incorrectly, and then that's just a bunch of shit I have to clear from my aura. Because yes, people's perceptions of you stick onto your aura like a postcard. That's how you end up falsely embodying that persona and getting lead far far away from your truth.

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In response to my post asking for requests, I got a question from someone asking:

"I have several questions but I'll start with asking can you see visual snow? Also I live home with my parents and it's like the universe makes it impossible for me to fit in anywhere especially enough to find a job. Have you ever felt locked out of life? Do you use your gifts to earn you money?"

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Hi, thank you for your question 🖤. Here's my answer:

I basically lived at home up until a few months ago, at 27, when I moved out on my own. I imagine it's quite a common thing for 12th house people to have to live with their families for a portion, or maybe all of their adult lives. We need the support. The burden of living and having a body weighs so heavily on us. Personally, it was killing me. I tried living on my own at 23 and I was so unhealthy. I was skinny as hell because the burden of eating was just too much. And yes, like you, I also couldn't fit into the mould of having a job like everyone else. I ended up moving into my family home cause of covid in 2020 and that saved my life. Living with my family during my 20's has helped me so much. It gave me the space to heal things I never would've been able to heal while pretending to fit into mainstream society and trying to live independently from 18/22.

Don't feel bad about not being able to find a job. That's been one of the plagues of my existence in my (short) adult life. Up until like, last week, I couldn't find a paid job that didn't make me feel like I wanted to k*ll myself. And what was equally frustrating was that I couldn't explain that to anyone; that even the concept of working and the way employment and making money works in this world violently repelled me. The employment system is so entrenched in pain and suffering and low self-worth that it's so hard to have that kind of a conversation with people. Most people with a job have already sold their soul - maybe even years or decades ago - so they can't understand why you can't do that as well. They've normalized giving your entire life force to a system that gives you nothing but money back. And don't get me wrong, money is great and necessary for life on this planet. But it's not everything, and I think 12th housers know that deep in their soul. In our very being we know that we cannot live from fear. We cannot give into fear. Because that's what selling your soul to a job is about. Because of fear of not having money and fear of the unknown; because of a fear of lack of security, you are willing to do almost anything to be given that security. Even a job that you don't feel seen in at all.

Let me tell you, I have worked office jobs that I don't feel seen in at all and they made me miserable. They were so draining and the whole 8 hours I was there, all I could think about was getting out. I would also feel this intense urge to smoke weed immediately after I got out for the day, which was also a terrible sign that that was not the right set up for me. You see, the problem with a job you don't feel seen in is that, it's your life. A full-time job takes up so much of your time that it more or less becomes how you live your life. When I realized that early in my working career, I realized oh shit. so the question I need to be asking myself is "how do I want to spend my days?" "what kind of things do I want to be doing?". From then I started paying attention to how I naturally spend my days. And I realized I spend most of my time in sweatpants/lounge wear/comfy clothes, at home. So I decided I want to be able to work from home.

This is a really good way to spend your time if you are blessed to live with family or people who can provide for you financially. Or if you are blessed to have a period of time living far from mainstream society so you can know who you are outside of the matrix. Cause you are not the matrix. You are not the system. You are not the way Life has been presented to you by society. You are something other than that. But reading this on a tumblr post is not enough. You have to know that in your being; you have to embody that knowing and find in your own words and your own sense what you are, and then you will know what to do. Then you will know what job to work or how to acquire the resources you need to sustain your life and keep you on Mission. There are many ways. Making money through employment is only one of them.

After 5 years not formally working, I got back into mainstream employment last week. I'm currently working part-time as a teaching assistant at a school for students with severe learning difficulties. I can't say much about the job cause I've only done two days. But I will say that it has taken a lot of inner work to get here. Over those 5 years living at home with my family, I was healing, cultivating and protecting my self-worth more than anything. That's the most important thing you can do for yourself as a 12th house person "locked out of life", as the question states. Yes, you may be locked out of mainstream life. But know that is for a purpose. I know it probably doesn't feel like everything is okay, and you are right where you need to be, but you are. You are right where you need to be. You are locked out of life because your isolation is powerful. Your fringe position is powerful. You being on the very edge of society, staring into the abyss, is powerful. There are some things that only those who are okay with being alone can do. And when you think about how many people genuinely cannot sustain solitude - how many people need the validation and backing of another person to do, think or feel anything, you will understand the power I am communicating through that statement.

I can't tell you how to get out. I can only try to comfort you in your pain and your fear and your discomfort. It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to be uncomfortable. The 12th house experience is about generating comfort in discomfort. You are loved, you are beautiful, and you're so much more valuable than you may realize. Do what you need to do to feel worthy and loveable and good about yourself everyday. Follow the right people. Do more of what makes you feel good about yourself and less of what doesn't. You will find your way out eventually. That I know.

Oh and lastly: do I use my gifts to earn me money? That is definitely the goal. I am also currently doing a masters in marriage and family therapy, so the goal is to be a therapist in my 30's and make money through therapy sessions with clients, couples and families. I also definitely want to run my own business so I can work in a way that honours my sensitivity. (I also have Mars and Lilith in the 10th, so I don't do well with authority. I'm my own boss). I want to sell personal development/healing courses, packages and maybe workshops online and promote through Youtube primarily. Because I have 10H leo placements, a part of me does enjoy showcasing for an audience, so this can work for me. However, these are all plans for my 30s and beyond. I just turned 28 last week, and my saturn return is gearing up to teach me how to be in the world as the mystic and occultist that I am (my saturn is in the 6th). So I am humbly honouring this part of the journey and stepping back into the mainstream world, being very much aware that I am in it, but not of it.

The takeaway here is to know yourself. Know your chart well, know your placements well, know yourself better than anyone else can ever know you. Know yourself so well; the good and the bad, that you are no longer making sense of yourself through how other people see you (whether they love you or hate you). That is the purpose of the 12th house person. Once you know yourself that well, then you will know what to do.