Born to Lose

This boy. Both my boys and baby. They are my world. And sadly I feel like we’ve done none but let them down this year so far. (Technically we’ve been letting them down since this move) His mom did buy us a trailer, a cheap handy man special. But still. It’s a roof over our heads and we can keep the pets. Plus is 50% cheaper than our last place. It does need work tho. The driving anxiety took over again during the whole harassment issues with the last landlady. She’s harass us at work. She’s harass us at home. Peaking in the windows. Letting herself in when we weren’t home. It doesn’t make any sense but it had me fucked up because every where I went I could be harassed, maybe? Either way, it has stopped me from driving. I have not driven in months. The snow was to blame for some of that too. I’ve never driven on the shit and I’m a nervous inexperienced driver. Anyway because of this James has not been able to work because he’s chauffeuring me around. At one point he loaned the car to his friend and then agreed to selling it to him at tax time. Which we had discussed doing in the future, like when it’s time for a 3rd row and we decide to see it we’d ask Matt first. James and his selective fucking hearing. Anyway I became upset because I wasn’t ready to give up and let her go and because I was paying for a car I no longer owned. We have since got it back but he’s supposed to be breaking the news to him tonight that we’re not selling. And then to fuck shit up even more. I quit my job. Everyone understands because I was completely shit on and underpaid. Especially after the cashier making almost 6$ more than I do as a supervisor. Then them refusing to fix it. Plus everything being dumped on me like truck when I’m pregnant and already had issues from unloading the truck. We’ve got the federal tho so we’re using that to cover some shit for a while until J brings in a paycheck because he’s getting a job. Monday the hunt begins and I know he can find a better paying job than what I had. He wants me to focus on school. Maybe do couponing and shit, spend some time with my boys. Hopefully this works out. This is fucking 30 and the struggle is real.

Spence on the Can Am earlier this week. I've even grown to love this thing. And look how handsome he looks. Unfortunately the quads out of commission for a couple more days tho.

From earlier this week. Before work cuddles with the Spence. Everyday "you no go to work mom, you stay here with me, mamaw n bubby please". Oh how I wish I could be a stay at home mama. Womp. Womp.

Little man in his car stroller. Our neighbor found it and thought of Spence. We woke up to it on our front porch a couple weeks ago and Spence loves it. But this was yesterday. Now that I'm a stay at home person I get more time with him which is awesome. I still feel depressed and anxious 90% of the time but this little dude is what keeps me going.

Update on my so called life: °As of last Saturday I am no longer a dancer because $50 isn't worth the fighting. Three weeks ago James landed a job at this really good paying factory and since hadn't dealt well with the dancing. Every night was a fight and I know this all really started b/c I was withholding sex but in my defense I had been working a job I struggled with while he played video games all night. I felt like it wasn't fair, he had promised he would find a job asap but he wasn't even looking. Obviously I was aggravated. Ugh so then he some how changed his opinion on the dancing. We still needed the money though & sometimes it wasn't much but it helped us get by. And maybe I grew to like it. Not so much the actual job itself. Honestly it's hard to approach men & have to grind on them while pretending that it isn't awkward. Plus my self esteem would take a hit, sometimes men are just plain asshats & will judge and degrade you. (Looking at you isu kids tipping in coins) BUT: - I became apart of a fucked up family of beautiful ladies (inside & out). For once I felt like I had friends, though sometimes I had trust issues. We're there to hussle though and every lady works for themselves (most of them to support their children) so I can't even hate. - I even enjoyed working with the no ladies (my dj and favorite bouncer) & a select few customers weren't that bad. Just lonely old men look for conversion. - And I actually liked dancing. Working on a pole isn't as easy as it looks & I admired myself for being able to do it. Of course I wasn't the best but I came a long way from the girl that shook uncontrollably my first night. Not to mention the muscle I now have & the love handles I no longer have. - The music too! I love music in general, especially when I get to force my tastes on other people. I discovered a lot of music that I would have never found on my own (country & rap!) Plus the nights drunk Shelby picked fun crowd pleasers. - And obviously I am going to miss the money. Cold hard cash every night was pretty awesome even if some nights blew ass. - Oh and I gained hella confidence. I no longer think there is anything wrong with my body. As pathetic as it sounds I'm kind of heartbroken, similar to when I left CVS. It just sucks when you don't get to leave the way you want & it especially fucking sucks when you don't get to say good bye. ° On a positive note: the fella now has a really good job. It's just not enough right now though due to our never ending debt. And ya know life throwing all these curve balls. SINCE THIS JOB: - our vehicle broke down, which cost us two days of work & $3500 (on payments). Now we have a Tahoe & $100 payments every week. At least we have a running vehicle thought. - we still owe on the broken expedition, we haven't paid rent & duke prevent that by showing up to disconnect which in turn led to his check being gone. But at least we have electricity. - my mama's also having health issues with her blood pressure being at stroke level. And I feel like that's totally my fault because I moved her out her & I cannot provide her with the finer things, we are struggling & fighting & she sees all of this and of course it stresses her the fuck out. And honestly I am stressed the fuck out. I am without my medication going on a week now. I have no idea what I am going to tell my landlord. I cannot afford a new place right now, I cannot afford gas for this week or anything else other than food we will need this week. I hate being broke. I hate feeling like I am not contributing anything. I hate this stress. I hate this depression. I hate worrying. I hate these headaches, this stomach pain, this feeling of impending doom. I sleep too much or not at all & awaken with a sore jaw from grinding my damn teeth all night. Gahhh bitch and whine. It has to get better. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this, maybe there's something. Maybe I am a cold heartless bitch and this is my karma.

Lookin' like shit but my little mini me and I. He was definitely a mamas boy yesterday before work. It sucks sometimes when I have to leave when he's so lovey because then he gets heartbroken and so do I. People want to judge me because I work in a strip club and during the day I am asleep so I get maybe a few hours to do something with my boy. And then I usually have a million and one things to do but dammit I love my son. He's my world, he's why I am doing what I am doing. I am no where near a bad parent in my opinion.

Bruises everywhere. But I am getting much better at the pole!

Gemma and Smokey Sweetest kittens ever.

Yesterday Spence putting change in the change jar. It's amazing and a little depressing how fast he's growing and how smart he's becoming.

Summer of '13 & '14 Still not a fan of sunglasses and aw look at how much he's grown in a summer.

Another photo from when papaw Larry came to visit. Family photo! May 2014

Lions mane. (I wish my hair was that red)

Spence and mama.