as the sand beneath the waves (jehangir khan x kaira)
Summary: After the movie launch and stopping her sessions with Jug, Kaira is struggling with her mental health. She turns to negative ways of coping, but when she meets someone on the beach one night, it changes her outlook on life.
Trigger Warnings: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, childhood trauma
Kaira tried to soothe herself by repeating that like a mantra over and over in her mind. She took walks on the beach, ate healthy food, and practiced all the mindfulness exercises that her beloved psychologist, Jehangir Khan, had taught her.
But then one bad day turned into a week. And a week turned into a month.
When several months passed with no solace, and the thoughts began to become overwhelming, Kaira searched for a way out. She locked herself in her home, trying desperately to soothe her turbulent mind.
But the thoughts kept tormenting her. They would whisper to her in her most peaceful moments, grab ahold of her dreams in their shadowy grip and never let go.
Useless Kaira, failed the second standard...
Nobody will ever love you.
You don't deserve happy relationships.
The only use you can be to your family is if you die.
At first, Kaira knew the thoughts were wrong. She was not going to listen to these shadowy demons, damn it! She had just fixed her life with her family, aired a very successful short film, and was bound to get into a good relationship someday. She was not useful, and she would not be dying anytime soon.
But as the months passed and the thoughts began to occur more often, Kaira began to start believing that they were right. That she really was worthless, with no prospects in love, and that just because she failed the second standard during a time of immense loneliness and grief, that she was a failure.
So she turned to a solution she would've previously never dared to do or imagine. In the night, when everyone was asleep, she crept into the kitchen and found a small knife.
She closed her eyes, unwilling to see the truth of what she was doing to herself, and pressed the blade against her arm. A flash of pain followed, then the warm feeling of liquid slowly dripping down her skin.
I'll only do this once, to quiet the voices, she thought as she washed the knife clean of all blood and placed it back where it belonged.
Unfortunately, the voices had other plans. They tormented her time and time again, and the only surefire way to silence them for a short while was through self harm.
As she continued this cycle, she found that her arms became numb to the blade. The voices became more demanding, the cuts occurring more often.
While all this was happening, the teammates that had worked with her on her first short film were pressuring her to release another one. Of course, revenue was important to them. They weren't deadbeats who lived in their parent's house and leeched off their family's resources like Kaira was.
The pressure became overwhelming. So Kaira did something that Jug had taught her to do when she was overwhelmed.
She went on a walk on the beach.
Late at night, when nobody would find her and pester her, Kaira went to the beach nearby her home. The sand stretched out for miles, the waves crashing against the shore a soothing backdrop for her tormented thoughts.
The night was warm, so she had elected not to wear a sweater or anything to cover her arms. Particles of sand that were being swept up by the breeze and rogue waves stuck to the bloody cuts and irritated them, but Kaira didn't touch them. She merely let them itch and scratch, a reminder of her failure of a life.
As she neared the narrowest part of the beach, she noticed a man standing right by the ocean. He kept on walking up to the waves, but then backing away rapidly as if he was frightened of them. Afraid that he was trying to do something horrible to himself, Kaira shyly approached him, trying to cover her most visible cuts with her hands. She didn't want a lecture from this stranger on the beach.
When she locked eyes with the man, she felt her heart leap in surprise. His gentle big eyes, scruffy dark hair and mustache, and casual blue shirt with an obscene number of pockets, accompanied by khaki pants... this was none other than her former therapist, Dr. Jehangir Khan!
But what was he doing out on the beach so late at night? No man that was content with his life spent his nights staring out at the ocean on his own...
Just hearing her name said in that deep, soulful voice made Kaira want to leap into his arms and burst into sobs.
She wanted to tell him everything, be honest about her struggles.
But she dared not. The two of them had ended things on a shaky note. She wouldn't want to rekindle any old flames of love in her heart for a relationship that was clearly not meant to happen.
So she swallowed her sobs, bit her lip until she tasted metal in her mouth, and responded in the most level-headed fashion that she could.
"Jug. It's been... gosh, how long has it been?"
In truth, only a few months had passed since their emotional last meeting, where Kaira's confession of her love for him ended in a rejection. But those months had turned into an eternity for the both of them. Time truly goes too fast when lovers are separated.
"Too long, Kaira," he said with his usual reassuring smile. "So what brings you here in the middle of the night?"
His voice became softer, more concerned.
"Are you alright? You seem to be hiding yourself from me."
Kaira cursed mentally as she heard that. How could she be so obvious that Jug spotted her in just a few minutes after seeing her again for the first time in months?
"I'm alright," she murmured, trying to hide her fact that she was clearly lying. "Some nights, I just come to look at the sea, you know?"
Jug shook his head, his eyes softening. He took a step towards Kaira, and she resisted the urge to step back- no, to run down the beach- so that he wouldn't discover her secret.
His tone was still soft this time, but the nuance was different. It was an accusation, yet simultaneously a gentle reminder.
I'm a psychologist. You can't hide your wounds from me, dear.
His warm hands gently closed over Kaira's. She hadn't even known that she was shaking softly until she felt how steady his grip was, how strong his hands were.
Oh, how much she wanted to drown in his embrace, to tell him all of her darkest thoughts and have him comfort her in that soft, caring, fatherly tone!
But she dared not. She knew that the relationship between them was nothing romantic, neither was it much of a platonic one. They had shared a relationship once. But it was gone now, just like their weekly sessions.
So she pulled herself back, physically and mentally.
She asked, failing to hide the tremor in her voice.
Jug sighed softly. His suspicion that something was terribly wrong with Kaira was confirmed now. He had to be gentle, yet forceful in getting her to divulge her secrets.
"Please give me your hands, Kaira."
He requested, being sure not to order her around lest she shy away from him.
Kaira had figured that this moment would come, but she had selfishly hoped to the very end that he wouldn't care enough to ask, that he'd let her keep hiding her cuts, hiding her pain until it all boiled over.
With a sigh, she moved her hands away, revealing the lattice pattern of cuts all over her arms.
Jug gasped softly upon seeing this. He had seen self harm wounds before, of course. Psychologists saw those often. But it was the person that he saw them on that took him aback.
"No, Kaira," he whispered, feeling tears threaten to choke him. " Why?!"
He cleared his throat and made an attempt to sound more professional. He was a therapist, for goodness' sake! If he couldn't be professional with a former client, who could he be professional with?
"Why did you choose to do that to yourself? Are you still having urges?"
Kaira could sense the pain in his voice as he asked those questions, and it made her heart ache. Maybe he still cared for her...
No, no! She couldn't dare to hope!
She looked out at the waves, and felt Jug place his hand over her wrist. The cuts protested with a gentle twang of pain, but she didn't move or ask him to move his hand away. Truth be told, she had been dreaming for this touch for months.
"I've heard all kinds of explanations. None too complex for me. Please, tell me."
So Kaira told him everything. All about her childhood trauma- which, to be fair, she'd already explained in therapy sessions with him, so she really was just expanding on that- the thoughts that she was a failure, that she'd never find love because of her fear of abandonment... that she was better off dead.
And Jug listened. He listened through all of it. His eyes looked only at Kaira, heart burned only for Kaira.
When she was done explaining, he lent her his shoulder to rest on and pointed to the ocean. Waves were still crashing against the shore, leaving foam behind in their wake. Over and over, they struck.
"Do you see the waves? How they strike and retreat, taking some grains of sand with them?"
Jug murmured in Kaira's ear, holding her close to his chest. Her breathing was shaky, unable to hold back the emotions at being held by the man she had loved for so long. She managed a nod.
"Good. Now look at the rest of the wet sand. It's staying together and wasn't pushed away by the wave. What do you notice about the wet sand still on the beach and the sand that was taken by the wave?"
Kaira was silent for a moment, examining both the waves and the wet sand on the beach.
"The waves only took away small particles of sand," she replied after a few moments, "but there's still a great deal of sand on the beach that was hit by the wave but is still standing."
Jug smiled and gently led Kaira to the wet sand. The two of them knelt down and touched the sand, playing with it. They watched as the waves battered the shore, yet the sand stood strong.
"We're a lot like this sand, Kaira," Jug said, continuing to scoop up piles of sand and feeling them on his palm. "We get hit by different waves of different heights all the time. Most of them are daily experiences, like..."
He pointed to a small wave hitting the shore nearby.
"That little wave is when you go to the store to buy your favorite meal only to find that it's sold out."
"Some of the waves we get hit by are big waves, waves that may not be daily experiences or happen very often in your life at all. But those waves are the ones that really stick with you, that take away more sand than the smaller ones."
He gestures towards a larger wave that's coming towards the beach.
"That big wave is when your parents moved away, when you failed second standard."
Kaira's eyes began to fill with tears at this extended metaphor. She was beginning to understand where Jug was taking this, and she didn't know if she could bear it any longer.
"But look at the sand beneath it, after the waves hit it. Look at how much is still left, even after the big wave hits."
Through tear-filled eyes, Kaira obeyed.
"Now look at yourself, at your own heart. You've been through so much, Kaira-"
Kaira whimpered softly and shook her head, trying not to full-on sob.
Jug took one of her hands in his and squeezed it gently.
"You truly have. But you're just like this sand beneath our feet. All humans are, but especially you. Even when you get struck by big waves, you stay strong. Isn't that beautiful?"
At this point, Kaira is sobbing her eyes out. She is perceptive to every word that Jug is saying, but she doesn't know if she physically can respond. She blinks her tears away just in time to see Jug grabbing a sharp-edged shell.
She gasped through tears.
Jug slashed at the wet sand with the shell, creating lattice patterns similar to the cuts on Kaira's arms. She watches in horror as the subject of the metaphor she had adored so much gets vandalized by the psychologist's wild gestures.
Once he had finished, he threw the shell back to where it was and examined his handiwork.
Kaira asked him, not understanding why he had ruined the wet sand that he had been fondly comparing not only to her, but to every human being, by cutting it up.
"Yes," Jug whispered, looking down at the cuts on her arms. "Why is exactly the right question."
"Why harm such a beautiful thing, such a strong thing, something that has endured so many waves and turbulence, just because it endured one wave that was bigger than most?"
Although Jug was still referencing the sand, his eyes were gazing only at Kaira now, full of love and worry.
Kaira was silent for a long while before tears filled her eyes again. Jug using the sand as an example had taught her the error of her ways, but now she was unsure of how to stop the cycle.
"I won't do it ever again," she promised through tears. "I won't do it ever again, if you help me. Please, I-"
Jug pressed his lips to Kaira's suddenly to stop her begging, and her body melted into his.
He dipped her down until her back was touching the wet sand, his lips moving over her chin, her jaw, her throat...
She cried out softly in pain when he moved to grip her arms, and that soft wail stopped Jug's progress. He immediately let go of her, but continued straddling her body with his legs.
"I'm sorry," he said, seeming rather perturbed. "I-I need to be more gentle with you. You're injured. Careless of me."
He scoffed, seeming upset at himself for neglecting to remember that it was of paramount importance to be gentle with injured patients.
"But yes, my love, my Kaira. Yes, I will help you."
Kaira could only moan softly, overcome by the sensory assault that she was currently facing. Her eyes were full of tears yet again, but these were tears of desire, of love.
She begged in his ear, pulling him back down onto her chest.
His lips moved close to her ear, and just before their two bodies became one, he whispered a response.
"As the sand on the beach resists waves, you must resist the harmful thoughts that plague you."
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