Little Bird

Presentation is weird as hell, especially when what you like doesn't necessarily reflect what a man is "supposed" to be. I love makeup. I love dresses and painting my nails and wearing flowery clothes. Growing up, I thought I was a princess. I love pink everything and I was obsessed with dolls. Now that I know that I'm a guy, it's very hard balancing out what I know I like with how I want to be seen. I know that I could go out wearing that dress or with a full face of makeup and that wouldn't make me any less of a guy. But I know how I will be seen, especially by people I've come out to. And it's not even just that. It's the dysphoria that comes with dressing in a what is considered a very "feminine" way. Some days, when the dysphoria isn't completely overwhelming, I'm totally cool with wearing makeup and it actually makes me feel really good. I can go out without a binder and wear a dress and I'm fine. Others, I just want to curl up in a hoodie and not have to look at myself. My face, my chest, my voice- everything about myself makes me uncomfortable. Some days, I'm in between both and I don't feel like being a person at all. My gender itself doesn't fluctuate at all. I feel like a guy, even on days when I'm presenting in a "feminine" way. I just feel so pressured to present in a certain way now that I'm out and it's really suffocating. Nothing I do makes me feel 100% comfortable anymore because the dysphoria is always hanging over my head. I know that I'm never going to be fully comfortable with my appearance until I can go on hormones and bums me out a lot. I know that I'm me regardless of how I'm presenting. I just so desperately want to be seen as I am.