do crime

yall ever start dying and respond by throwing a massive birthday party that the cops (and your close friends) are threatening to shut down if you don't cool it and then you get into a fistfight with your best friend of 20 years and he steals what's basically your cool ass car that you made yourself and your other best friend slash girlfriend yells at you about it and then you go out and get a doughnut because you deserve it and the director of the FBI shows up to talk to you and then your best friend slash girlfriend's assistant shows up and the director of the FBI puts his arm around her shoulders and tells you that she's been spying on you and then she shanks you but then you stop dying shortly because of it and then you find out that your dead father discovered a new fucking element and designed it in a park and you have to make it and you fucking synthesize this impossible element that he wasn't capable of making and you put it in your chest and you stop dying

Are you a “can’t write dialogue” writer or a “can’t describe anything” writer

bi people be like: *gets served food at a restaurant once by an individual around their age and are like* “just met an angel today I’m in love :)”

I hate when non diabetics ask me if I know that diet soda will kill me, like. Oh man can’t wait to see the look on your face when I tell you what regular soda will do to me.

tory power stance is still the funniest thing to come out of uk party politics in a long time

CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER

soon as my fangs & antlers grow in and i learn how to open all seven of my eyes at once it’s over for u hoes

Yeah, we're full of vampires.

what’s that one movie that has you like “that’s MY movie” ?