I kinda do whatever

A certain gremlin in my life won't let me forget this movie.

Earth watching the videos of Grace freaking the fuck out: We are so fucked.

Grace meeting Simon for the first time and wondering how he is still alive: He is so fucked.

This is one of my more recent ones and I'm trying to reread each chapter for any errors before posting them to AO3. This is also the one I mentioned in Creep.

https://archive.transformativeworks.org/works/87703076/chapters/232406316

Okay, but like, what if Alastor met some of Lucifer's brothers while he was alive and actively trying to find a way to contact a demon in hell?

Uriel: How the fuck did you summon me? I'd be impressed if I weren't highly concerned about the blood surrounding me.

Alastor: Shit. Well, if you're not a demon then I have no use for you. (Aiming his shotgun) Please get out of my house.

Uriel(Stomps his feet in frustration): Are you kidding me right now?!-

* * * *

Micheal: I’m not sure if I’m amused by your consistent failure or deeply curious as to how you keep fucking this up but I'll settle for finding this funny as fuck.

Alastor: Why do you keep answering my summons? Azrael is still refusing to leave even though I did the ritual a week ago.

Azrael(Leaning in suggestively): Aw, you want to leave after you called out to me so passionately? The days we’ve spent together were just as passionate~. 

Alastor(Loading his shotgun): Hardly! You kept sneaking into my room to watch me sleep at night. Go home!

Uriel: Okay, I’m like 90% sure that, out of the three of us, Azrael is the only one who’s been purposefully looking out for and answering your summons.

Azrael(Ignores Uriel): I could leave but – and hear me out on this mind blowing idea – you could stop trying to summon a demon.

Alastor: I could but – and hear me out on this equally mind blowing idea – I am definitely going to end up in hell and I refused to go in unprepared. 

Michael: I'm starting to question if this whole situation is trying to tell us something. You should have been able to summon a demon by now considering your sigil and rituals have been perfect. Yet, you have somehow only been able to summon angels – the highest ranked angels – even though your sigils are nowhere near close to what ours are supposed to look like.

Alastor(Bringing out his shotgun): If you’re trying to convince me that I have some sort of good in me, I don’t want to hear it. Shut up and get the fuck out of my house.

Uriel(Starts eating Alastor’s cookies in the corner): Come on, Alastor! You know that doesn’t work on us. Why don’t we just chalk this up to father being weird and bond as friends?

Michael: Actually, you're kind of giving me an idea . . .

* * * *

Alastor: I didn't even summon you guys. Don't you guys have jobs?

Azrael(Slings his arm around Alastor’s shoulders): Pay it no mind, friend. 

Alastor(Shivering): You're being weird. Stop it.

Uriel: What's wrong about being weird when you're amongst friends?

Michael: Well, friend, we have a little request considering you are definitely going to hell.

Alastor: What kind of request?

Azrael: Alright, so you know our brother Lucifer, right? Well, we would love it if you messed with him whenever you can while you’re in hell. (Reaches out his hand) Do this and we let you have regular contact with your mother.

Alastor: Deal. What do you want me to do exactly?

Michael(Bringing out a list): I want you to drop a fucking piano on his head.

* * * *

Lucifer: Charlie, I can’t exactly bond easily with the guy who was so ready to drop a piano on my head. 

Alastor: Oh, please! I was just a little something to help with that fragile ego you seem to have.

Lucifer: Oh? And what exactly told you that I need something like that? The voices in your head, you psychotic freak!?

Alastor: You could say it was a little divine encouragement . . .

A little snippet for one of my fanfics that I keep procrastinating on.

Charlie(Excited and trying to bond): You said you spoke to Grandpa even when you were alive? That must've been mind blowing!

Alastor(Looking off into the distance like he’s in The Office):(Strained) You could say that . . .

* * * *

1929

Alastor looked tiredly at the pile of wriggling, screaming flesh that had been dumped on his porch. From experience, he knew the flesh wasn't sentient, had no soul, and felt no pain but was still wired to scream as though that were the case.

Alastor(Looking to his grandfather standing in the distance by the trees): He’s like a damn cat.

The cheeky bastard simply gave him a thumbs up.

Alastor(Turning back to the flesh): One more time and I call an exorcist. (Grumbling)See how he likes that . . .

He heard a polyphonic voice, containing even the voices of animals, laughing at him.

Alastor(Mumbling and taking the flesh inside): I am not going to give him the acknowledgement he's looking for. I am not going to-

* * * *

Charlie(Gushing): You're pretty lucky to have those kinds of experiences!

Alastor: . . .

* * * *

1931

Alastor tried to keep from shedding a tear of frustration as the woman finally stopped convulsing on the ground. His grandfather had revealed his physical form to the woman and it looks like she went insane. She was breathing but he could tell that she was no longer capable of thought. Her mind was mush and she was essentially dead.

Alastor(Pointedly ignoring his grandfather as he stood right next to the body as if Alastor would praise him for stopping her advances): (Sighing) At least this means I don't have to worry about dinner this week.

He could tell his grandfather went back to his usual stalking from a distance. Like a creep.

Alastor(Dragging the body into his house and yells out pettily): I still refuse to acknowledge you, creepy fuck!

* * * *

Charlie: Simply amazing.

Alastor: . . . Charlie, you know exactly what kind of man our grandfather is.

Charlie(Smiling but her eyes are empty): Please . . . Please, just let me think for one moment that our grandpa isn't some weirdo whose main hobby is stalking his grandson and leaving corpses on his doorstep.

Lucifer pats her back comfortingly.

Lucifer(Smiling brightly but his tone was flat): I generally don't like the guy but, in this instance, I find great satisfaction in knowing he made your life miserable. You deserve it, you overrated tampon.

Alastor(Tentacles branching out menacingly): Ha ha. Well, I can think of a few things you deserve as well, you absolute deadbeat.

Lucifer(Taking flight): Bring it on, little shit!

Michael(Lunging at him): Lucifer! Harm one hair on my son's head and I pluck you like a chicken!

Vaggie(Leading Charlie out of the room): I'm so sorry that you are related to those guys.

Lucifer misplaces his hat and frantically has everyone looking for it. Alastor wasn’t even part of the search party but found it anyway. He accidently startles the snake and it bites his ankle.

Michael(Visiting the hotel for the first time): Is that my brother's snake?

Alastor(High out of his mind): You a cop?

Michael: What? . . . I have no idea what that is but I am the angel of justice . . .

Alastor(Stumbles into the shadows): Damn, you are. Later, Bitch.

Michael(Stunned): . . . I  . . . I don’t know what to do now.

Lucifer(Panicking): What do you mean? Go get him!

* * * *

Hours later after having no success in finding either of them, the news comes on and features a livestream revealing that Alastor took the snake along with him to let a fuckton of rats into the Vees tower.

Alastor(Live streaming with Valentino's phone while the man shrieks in the background): Hheeeyyy~ (Rambling)My friend here needed some food . . . but I heard somewhere that the food also needs to be well fed to maximize nutrients. So I let . . . a bunch of rats in here so they can get some nu . . . nutrients.

Vox(Fighting off a hoard of rats with a BDSM whip he found lying around): What does that have to do with our tower?! Get these fucking rodents out of here!

Alastor(Using the snake's tail to shush him): Shut up, Box. Rat food doesn't talk. We don’t want you stressing the rats before Missy here eats them. It could ruin the meat.

Vox(Internally pissing his pants):  . . . What?

Alastor(Laying splayed out on the floor like a starfish while a circle of rats looks like they are worshipping him): (Gazing at the ceiling like a man who has stared into the eyes of god) I'm gonna tear you and your associates to shreds as you beg for — and then I'm gonna — so you — while your grieving lover weeps for your —.

Vox: . . .

* * * *

The hotel watched in horror.

Lucifer(Covering his face in exasperation): Huh . . .–

Michael(Looking to heaven with divine serenity in his eyes): I am so scared and so horny right now.

Lucifer(Disgusted): Goddammit, Michael! You're such a fucking freak!

Michael(Offended): Well, what do you expect, Lucifer?! That was so hot and I want to – up his – while I make love to his – so he screams “———” to the high heavens! 

Lucifer(Ugly crying): I am genuinely so fucking embarrassed to call you my twin.

Michael(Looming over Lucifer while he lays curled up on the floor): Like you haven't done freakier shit with your wife! Remember in 1907 when we heard you both from heaven as you—!

A little sequel to the last post.

Charlie(Coaching Lucifer): You can do this, Dad! Be focused and passionate. He'll understand your intentions.

Lucifer: Yeah, I can do this!

He walks up to Alastor's door and mindlessly bursts inside while Alastor is barely waking up. The man looks like roadkill. Charlie hears Alastor shriek and the following conversation echoes throughout the hotel.

Alastor: Lucifer! What the fuck are doing in my room?!

Lucifer(Freezing): Uuhhh . . . I love you?

Alastor: I get that but why are you in my room?!

Lucifer(Head empty. No thoughts): Ah . . .

Alastor(Concerned for him): Why are you hard?!

Lucifer(Blanking out and blinking slowly like a lizard): I’m . . . I’m focused and . . . passionate about you . . .

Alastor(Grabs Lucifer by the collar): Get the fuck out!

He chucks Lucifer out the window.

* * * *

Charlie(Wailing and mortified): I don’t know what to do, Vaggie!

Vaggie(Trying to keep a straight face): It’s okay, sweetie.

Charlie(Rambling): I want him to be happy but, after both he and Uncle Mike got shot, I don’t know what—

Vaggie(Gritting her teeth as her voice wobbles in restraint): Breathe, Charlie.

Charlie: –And then there was that whole thing with Vox afterwards where he thought it was just a free for all!–

Vaggie(Mumbling to herself and holding in her giggles): He really thought he was safe when Alastor ran out of ammo . . .

Charlie: At the very least, Dad and Uncle Mike got a kick out of watching Alastor beat him over the head with his shotgun–

Vaggie(Falls to her knees and violently wheezes while laughing): HA!

Lucifer hovers outside of Alastor’s tower windows after having practiced for months how he would serenade him. Charlie and the rest give him a thumbs up as they watch on in support. Michael, calmly and with a blank face, gives him a thumbs down.

Lucifer(Sarcastically): Thanks, brother. I’m really feeling so loved and supported right now.

Michael(Bluntly, sucking on a reed): (Muffled) I came here to see you fail-

Charlie(Trying to keep calm): Yes! We can see that! (Whispering to herself)Where did you get that? (Loudly)Go on, Dad. You’ve got this!

He turns to see Alastor walking up to the window.

Lucifer(Blanking on what he practiced): . . .

Alastor(Simply watching from his tower): . . .

Lucifer(Strums guitar): I love you, Bitch.

Alastor(Flabbergasted and wide eyed): . . .

Lucifer: I ain't never gonna stop loving you . . .

Alastor(Loading his shotgun): . . .

Lucifer(Strums it again): . . . Bitch.

Alastor(Taking aim): Charlie, I'm afraid I must make you an orphan now. I'll make it up by adopting you.

Charlie: Dad, I genuinely need to know how you fucked this up.

Michael(Pulls out the reed): I don't need to know about that but I do need to know if this means I can shoot my shot.

Alastor: Dear, I'm about to shoot both of my shots. Do you really want to try that with the man currently holding a gun? 

Lucifer royally pisses Alastor off so he gets freaky petty.

Alastor(Slamming the table): That’s it! I'm gonna sleep with your brother!

Charlie(Tired): Why . . . Just why would that be your first option?

Lucifer: Ha! Even if he wanted to sleep with anyone, I doubt it'd be your tacky ass.

* * * *

Alastor comes to breakfast the next morning with a dazed look and bite mark on his face.

Alastor(Spaced out and staring at the ceiling): I was just bluffing. I didn't think it'd work.

Lucifer(Already forgot): what?

Alastor: I slept with your brother. 

Lucifer: WHAT? You . . . you can stop joking. I know you didn't. . .

Michael walks in shirtless and covered in his own blood. He goes for the coffee maker.

Lucifer(Refering to the hotel): When the fuck did you come in here?

Michael(Straight faced): I wouldn’t exactly say I came in here. (Points in the general direction of Alastors room) I came over there.

Lucifer(Trying not to lose his shit): Didn't you say you would only sleep with someone you planned to marry?

Michael(Completely deadpan and taking a sip of coffee): I took this man's virginity so now I'm gonna take his hand in marriage.

Angel Dust(Desperately): By everything holy in this world, please, I need to know who topped. 

Alastor(Embarrassed): I hardly think that matters!

Michael(Honestly): I did. He was very pretty.

Alastor: Not helping, Michael!

Lucifer: How did you even meet him?

Alastor(Grumbling): He came down to survey the hotel after the battle and caught me storing angel meat in a cooler 

Michael: I gave him some recipes to maximize juiciness and blood retention.

Charlie(Horrified): You have recipes for that?

Michael: Cannibalism is not as bad as you think as long as it's not in excess and the body is not wasted. I've eaten my fair share of angel flesh. We exchanged methods of using leftover bone.

Lucifer: How did he even convince you to sleep with him?

Michael: I watched him stuff his face with angel meat and dragged him to the bedroom. His bloated belly was very arousing to me.

Lucifer: God, you're such a freak.

Michael: Yeah, at least I have someone to be freaky with, Lucifer. (Giggling) How’s that whole missing wife thing?

Charlie: I don't know why she just won't talk to us. There’s no reason I can think of that makes sense . . .

Alastor(glances at Lucifer): I can think of a few.

* * * * 

Alastor: I genuinely don't know why they come to me like I'm paid to hear them whine. They don’t even pay me for the work I do here.

Lucifer: You talk like you actually do meaningful work here.

Alastor: . . .

* * * * 

Lucifer(crying): She loved me. I know it. The fighting was just stress.

Alastor(fiddling with Lucifers hat): Oh, I’m sure and I need to stress that you're fucking delusional.

Lucifer(bawling and looking to heaven): Daddy! He's being so mean!

Alastor: Why are you calling for him? Didn't he leave you too? I can see why!

Alastor just pokes him with his staff while he's bawling on the floor.

Charlie(tiredly): I don’t even know why I come to you when I'm the only one in this building with the psychology degree and counseling license. This is literally my job and I have the money to afford an actual therapist for myself. Dad? I don't think even god has enough money to afford the therapist for dad.

If Alastor went to the meeting in heaven, his sole purpose would have been to antagonize everyone and he unintentionally stops the exterminations.

Adam: Those fuckers are sinners. They had their chance and squandered it. What does it matter if one dies when twenty more pop up?

Charlie: And that's why we want to help them. If they are willing to work for it, then they deserve a chance without fearing a second death.

Adam(condescendingly): Look, toots, they are a disease, yeah? So that means we gotta eradicate them so they don't spread their sin.

Alastor(fiddling with his staff while sipping a drink offered to him during the tour and not looking up): Okay, Hitler.

The entire courtroom goes silent.

Adam: . . . Who the fuck is that?

Alastor: Damn, that's so sad. You're a Nazi and a moron. Alexa, play despacito.

No one could tell where the music came from but it started blasting in their ears.

Charlie(speaking over the music): Not helping, Al!

Alastor(taking another sip): That’s kinda the reason I'm here, my dear. I don't know how you keep forgetting that.

Adam: Don’t ignore me, bitch!

Alastor: I don't negotiate with Nazis nor do they deserve the time of day.

Sera: Could you please stop saying Nazi?

Emily: What are they?

Alastor: They were a group of people in the 1940s who sought to eradicate all jews and everyone who they claimed weren't part of the so-called “Aryan race”. They committed genocide and horrific torture on millions. 

Adam: We are not Nazis

Alastor: I mean, if the uniform fits. Although, looking at you now, I can’t be sure if your actual uniform fits. You have spent years committing a genocide on a group of people you believe are inferior and don't align with what you think is acceptable. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably gonna start invading Czechoslovakia and blitzing the British.

Charlie: I can see your point but maybe you could have done a bit of sugarcoating the truth.

Alastor(with a genuinely sincere face): My dear, if I tried sugarcoating the truth, his fatass would probably try to eat it.

Emily: That’s kinda harsh . . .

Alastor(taking another sip): My dear, I need you to understand that I have nothing against you but do you know what else is “kinda harsh”? Your sister organizing a genocide and the first man leading it.

One of the councilmen mumble in the background to the angel on his left. “Hasn’t he been drinking that for the last hour? Did someone give him one of those never ending whiskeys? The giggly kind?”

Adam: Look, I don’t have to listen to a creepy loser like you. I bet you even play with yourself at night.

Alastor(tipsy and offended): I bet you play with your stomach, you fat bitch!

Everyone grimaces.

Adam(tearing up): Why would you say that? - 

Sera: Why don’t you let us handle this, Adam?

Alastor(shrugging and trying to chug the rest of his drink): Laazzzy sscaarrreddyy bbaaaabbyyy ~

Adam(tears in his eyes and being held back by Lute): I’m not . . . I’m not scared of you!

Alastor(absolutely hammered and cheerfully throwing his glass to the floor): Shut up, you lonely ass, ugly ass, bitchless dumbfuck!

Vaggie(genuinely enjoying herself): You know, bringing him along wasn’t so bad.

* * * *

Lucifer: Okay, I very much so need an explanation as to how you managed to bully Adam into giving up.

Alastor: I’m not entirely sure. My memory started to fade after I said that he reminded me of a weiner muncher I knew of.

Lucifer(trying to hold his composure): I need you to be very serious when you also explain to me how you got away with saying Adam gobbles dicks.

Vaggie: He called him a Nazi.

Lucifer: . . . oh

Vaggie: He did also specifically call him a weiner muncher around the end while throwing sausages at him. I couldn’t really see but I think one of those sausages was actually a dildo. We don’t know where he got either of them.

Lucifer: OH . . . 

He turns to Alastor and gets on his knees.

Lucifer: How do you feel about moving to a palace?

Charlie(nervously): As an advisor, right?

Lucifer(leaning to her and whispering): Not now, char char. If I get this right, you are gonna get a new mom.

Charlie: I . . . I think I’m okay with that. Please continue.

He turns back to Alastor and gives him an award winning smile.

Lucifer: It’s not exactly an advisor but we can talk about details later. (mumbling to himself) Over dinner and in bed.

Alastor(trying not to laugh because he heard all of that): I’m not sure . . .

Lucifer: It has a dungeon.

Alastor(turning to wink at Vaggie then going back to Lucifer with a coy tone): Oh, I don’t know . . .

Lucifer: I plan to set you loose on the sins and Ars Goetia.

Alastor: Sold. 

This is where I got some of the stuff for the post.

Add on to the fact that I'm a writing major and now I can't stop thinking about deer tail while writing my final essays for class.

This was a lot longer than I thought it would be. This came from an idea I wrote down and copied straight from my docs. Can you guess which part was copy and pasted? I might post this to my Wattpad account but I'm feeling lazy.

* * * *

Alastor regretted coming back to this place. Just a tiny bit. 

He can admit that he loved the royal couple in the years before he left and some part of him still does today. He loved all of them greatly, from the goofy side to the wrathful side. However, he would never settle for being second fiddle, much less third fiddle. 

He met them some time in the 60s and what a wild ride that had been. It was a long night of drinking, dancing, and wrecking havoc throughout the pride ring. He felt genuine joy and a distinct lack of revulsion when they touched him.

It was an even longer year of them convincing him to enter their relationship and a longer five years before he agreed to join them in their bed. Every night after the first, they been just as insatiable for his touch.

Lucifer was a silly man with even sillier hobbies but Alastor loved to hear him blab on and on because it made him happy. Lilith was calmer but just as full of life in this place infested with deaths of all kinds. All three loved to continue a song that never stayed the same but always found a way into their hearts.

It was around twelve years ago when they had decided to go on a break. They never explained in full why they needed a break but they had simply told him that they needed some time to themselves. He graciously allowed them that time. Alastor moved out from the palace and went about the ring aimlessly. Rosie had been her usual annoying and demeaning self but was very helpful during this time. He had been rightfully angry to hear about Lilith's rebellion from the news rather than from his lovers. 

What made him even more angry was that they didn’t see fit to reach out to him afterwards and ignored him when he tried. It was some time after that that Rosie decided to lock him away for seven years. She said that he needed some time away for himself even if they decided they wanted to contact him. He refused to admit that it helped just a bit. 

Right after Rosie had deemed him okay to go out, he learned of the princesses little project and figured it would be an amusing venture. Charlie had never met him as Lucifer and Lilith wanted to keep her out of their personal relationships. Which was fine until Lucifer came to the hotel and acted like he didn’t know him. He had no one in the hotel to complain to as no one knew why he would be angry at the king's indifference.

The whole thing had pissed him off royally and he almost went to Rosie to ask for another vacation else he tears apart the pride ring. 

He and Lucifer bickered a bit like they used to but now it was more targeted. Alastor could tell that Lucifer remembered him and refused to let him ignore the man he had loved for years.

The fight with Adam had been its own heartbreak when no one looked for him afterward. A small part of him hoped that, despite their arguments and bitterness, Lucifer would at least look for him but he didn’t. He resolved to help himself and to renew his passion to set himself free from his contract. 

The aftermath of the fight with Vox did renew his hope to reconcile with his lovers. Lilith had returned and Lucifer had made more of an effort to bring himself up out of his depression.

He could feel that happiness for before coming back to him. In the first few weeks, they talked and spent time together. Going on dates and revisiting their old haunts. They had even begun to have sex like they used to. 

He was happy. So happy, in fact, that it took him a bit to realize that he had become a third fiddle. Around three months after Lilith's return, they began to distance themselves. 

He tried making plans with Lilith and she would cancel for something with Lucifer. The same would happen with Lucifer. He would try to make plans for all three of them and they both would cancel for last minute plans with Charlie.

He was officially an outsider looking in on their family.

He couldn’t stay.

So, he left and purposefully notified no one of his departure. He couldn’t go to Rosie after breaking their contract so he went to his pocket dimension. It was still in hell but no one would be able to find him. He just wanted to be alone at that point.

He was in for quite the surprise when he found out that he was pregnant.

* * * *

They had been cuddling when his shadow jumped up from where they were laying on his stomach. They began to gesture wildly to their ears and his stomach. It didn’t take long to realize what they meant.

He had simply sat there in shock before a deep warmth erupted from his core.

A baby.

His baby

He could tell who the fathers were but they had already made themselves clear. They had no space for him. 

With the tip of his finger, he lazily drew patterns known only to him on his belly while planning how he would handle this alone. A glance to his shadow reminded him that he wasn’t

A family of his own to love and care for. A family just for him.

* * * * 

He was a little unsure as to how he ended up back at the hotel, but nevertheless, he was here and watching as the royal couple begged for his forgiveness. Lilith was gripping his hands firmly while Lucifer was just on his knees.

His daughter, Joan, was reaching the 1 year mark and he wanted to get her a present. He left the pocket dimension for the trip.

“Ha! No.”

They ignored his refusal and continued with their incessant begging. It infuriated him. Before he left, he was going to torture them a bit.

“You weren't there when I gorged myself on still screaming flesh. The blood dripping from my mouth and my claws as I ground my clit till I squirt such sweet slick. The hormones and hunger from swelling with your children did get to me. I could do nothing more than lounge around in my underwear and pleasure myself far into the night as my breast swelled and leaked with milk but no baby to feed just yet.”

All of that was true. He hoped the very fact that they weren’t there while he was pregnant, unable to pleasure and spoil him as he knew they loved to do, broke their hearts.

Alastor is like a ghost who haunts their every action.

Charlie: Ugh! I hate that TV guy! After everything he did, he still has the gall to tarnish the hotel's image.

Vaggie: I know, sweetie. It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure something out.

Angel Dust: Ya know, sometimes I just wanna take apart a guy like that and see what makes ‘em tick. Then, I can look for other ways to make him tick.

Vaggie: Angel, not now! Though, that doesn’t sound too bad.

Angel Dust: Ow!

He’s hit in the head by two flying objects, making him fall on his ass.

And the objects in question? A gun and a book titled “How to Disassemble a TV for Dummies”.

Angel Dust: Am I Jesus?

Vaggie: What?- 

Angel Dust: I mean we get exactly what we need right after I put the idea out there. This is a divine miracle.

Vaggie: Even if it is, none of this is actually gonna stop Vox. I doubt he’d stay still long enough for us to disassemble him-

She’s hit right in the face by a bundle of rope.

Charlie(looking up):  . . . God?

Somewhere back in his radio tower, Alastor looks off into the distance like he’s in The Office.

Alastor: As funny as watching that was, it is for my own sanity that they understand that a toddler with a gun is enough to take him down. Like his penis, the design for his head wasn’t made to last more than five seconds. So flashy, but no endurance.

* * * *

Lucifer: Hey, buddy, Andy-

Charlie: That’s not even close-

Lucifer: It’s going to be alright. That Vander guy-

Charlie: Are you even trying?- 

Lucifer: Char char, I wouldn’t try for pricks like that even if you got me back into heaven. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll figure out how to get out of this deal.

Charlie: Who knows? Maybe we could even convince him to set you free? Or, maybe we could convince him to attend a seminar on taking consent seriously?

Then, out of nowhere, a voice rings out.

Alastor: Please, a guy like that wouldn’t know consent if it fucked him up his dick.

Everyone freezes and turns slowly towards Alastor who was sitting on a chair with a cup of coffee and today's newspaper. He looked to be reading the paper intently as if he say some of the most outrageous shit.

Charlie: Alastor, what did you just say?

Alastor(taking a long sip of his coffee and looking at her inquisitively): I’m not sure what you mean, my dear. I didn’t say anything.

Vaggie: But we heard-

He goes back to reading his newspaper and ignores their gawking for the rest of the evening.

* * * *

Angel Dust: I’m sick of this shit! Val’s a fucking psychopath!

Vaggie: What did he do this time?

Angel Dust: He’s trying to convince me to do this necrophilia porno! I don’t even wanna know where he got the dead body but it’s already in the studios storage room.

Vaggie: Is there really nothing you can do?

Angel Dust: I-

He’s hit in the face by a book titled “How to Kill Your Boss for Dummies”

Angel Dust: Oh, come on! Whoever keeps throwing those books, stop aiming at my secondary money maker! Besides, I can’t kill Val, he owns my soul-!

Another book is thrown at him. This one is titled “How to Grow a Spine for Dummies”

Each of them shares a look of hopelessness and genuinely don’t know what to do at that point.

They hear giggling in the background by the hallway entrance. They see Alastor standing there with another cup of coffee and a blank face.  He just took a long sip and acted like he wasn’t the culprit.

He was but they didn’t know if they could prove it.

* * * * 

Vox(shuddering): I know he's watching me.

Valentino: Who?

Vox: Alastor! He’s probably looking for revenge!

Velvette(not even looking up): I don’t care. After that whole shit show, I don’t want to hear another word about that deer. You almost got us killed because he riled you up.

Vox goes to speak when he’s hit by a bucket of water. He shuts down.

Velvette: Hey, Alastor. 

Alastor: You knew I was here?

Velvette: Vox is a creepy stalker. He’s hardly ever wrong when sensing your presence.

Alastor: You gonna stop me?

Velvette: No, just don’t get any blood on my side of the room.

Alastor(cheerfully): Alrighty, then! Valentino!

Said moth was standing in the corner.

Valentino: Yes?

Alastor: I want Angel’s soul!

Valentino(angry): No! He’s my best star! 

Alastor(gleefully pointing a butter knife): Give me his soul, or else I cut off your dick.

Valentino: . . . What?

I might turn this into a full fic but that's something for later when I stop procrastinating my other fics.

Alastor gives me the impression that he knows a guy. It was quite literally one of the first things he did in the pilot. He went ‘I know a guy’ and summoned a random ass alcoholic cat.

Charlie needs staff for a gala?

Alastor: I know a guy.

Proceeds to call this guy he knew when he was alive. 

Alastor: Yeah, I met him in the back of an alley by the dumpster. He got into some trouble with a client of his and we bonded over setting the guy's car on fire.

Vaggie needs help with the guest check-in system?

Summons this squirrely looking fish sinner who ends up being Vox's assistant. Ethan got over his anxiety and just sighed at the deer's antics.

Charlie: Isn’t this Vox’s assistant?

Vaggie: After everything that happened just last week, you brought this guy into the hotel? 

Alastor(rolls his eyes): Relax, he’s bound by a contract.

Vaggie(suspiciously): What kind?

Alastor: You could call it a simple favor for helping him when he made a big mistake in his first year as an assistant. I helped him avoid punishment, and in return, he would repay the favor in the future.

Charlie: Aw, you helped him when he was in a bind? Besides the whole deal thing, that’s kinda sweet. What was the punishment going to be?

Alastor: He was going to be sent to Valentino as his new worker.

Charlie: Oh . . .

Vaggie: And how did you manage to get him out of that? Vox is unlikely to listen to you.

Alastor(smiling sweetly): Just a little distraction that would end up with Ethan swooping in as the hero.

Vaggie: That doesn’t sound too bad-

Alastor: I shot Valentino in the dick.

Charlie: What?

Alastor(staring right into her eyes): You heard me.

Discussions with heaven going nowhere and they need someone to make a decision?

Alastor: I know a guy.

And the guys ends up being fucking God. 

Lucifer: How? . . .

Charlie: That’s God. That’s fucking God. How did you get God here?

Alastor: Turns out he radiates radio waves and I kept receiving his signal. I got pissed after losing sleep and summoned the guy which ended up with us getting into a fist fight. He sucks at fighting though.