✧┊ ❛ BRIGHT LIGHTS

when the words leave charlie’s lips, nuri is startled, almost struck frozen by her honesty. her appreciation for him is hardly necessary, nuri only being kind to his friend’s girlfriend out of the unspoken rules that lie between years and years of friendship. ‘oh no, really. it’s nothing. it’s really no bother at all.’ nuri’s resting heart rate was usually at something that would be deemed ‘stable’ by any medical professional; he ate healthy, exercised regularly – the only thing that really effected his health had to do with his smoking, really, and he liked to think of himself as someone who’s able bodied, someone who can really take care of himself. but the moment that charlie looks at him from beneath her lashes, he can feel his heart taking off, like it was intent on winning some sort of race, leaving his sense of rationale behind and making him forget everything he was supposed to do, everything that he was supposed to say. she had his heart in her grasp and she didn’t even know it, probably wouldn’t even care if he laid his hand out, with all the hearts faced up, ready and willing to give it all to her. and wasn’t nuri pathetic, for thinking all of this because she flicked her hair over her shoulder, because she fluttered long mascaraed lashes and made him look at her like she hung the fucking moon? he must be, because as she’s talking, her demeanor has started to make his breathing go short, her words and the meaning behind them and everything she’s saying and everything she isn’t has sort of started to overwhelm him more than he could handle. so instead of responding right away, he finds something to do with his hands, idly twists the rings that he has tucked onto his slim fingers, because had she just asked to hang out with him? alone? one on one, without levi, just the two of them? he doesn’t know what the fuck is happening, not at all, because he must have been dreaming, or something equally bizarre, to have charlie actually looking at him with – well, with what he could only deem as interest – and he could feel his heartbeat in his throat. this was not good. ‘i don’t think i’ve really ever met someone cooler than you, charlie.’ nuri admits, and moments after he’s mortified. he can’t believe he could even come up with something that’s so lame, and he’s silently reprimanding himself, trying to think of something else to say that would save him from that trainwreck. but instead he breathes, because apparently he was holding his breath without even noticing, and his heart was beating violently against his chest now because charlie’s feather-light touch was brushing over the outline of the lotus on his forearm and fuck, he really can’t do this. ‘really? thanks.’ he breathes, his voice a little less unsure then it had been, as he shuts off his mind and conscience, and lets his body move towards her, rounding the counter so that he’s in front of her where she’s perched on the bar stool. he would only have to move an inch to be standing in between her long, long legs, that seemed to never end, really, and that were only accentuated by the tight dress and a shimmer that must be natural. he wanted to die. ‘i have a shit ton, actually.’ he moves his other arm, lets his hand rest on the counter, so that she’s surrounded by him. ‘which one do you like best?’

nuri didn’t like feeling like this – like he was yearning for something, like what he wanted was just out of his reach – he was one of the rare people that liked to take what they want regardless of the consequences, and now he was feigning obliviousness; pretending his feelings didn’t exist, like his desires were muted and his passion extinguished. it was easier, really, to pretend like what he wanted wasn’t important, to put others first, to let them know they were more special than he. because who was nuri, really ? why was his happiness worth more than someone else’s ? he didn’t really have an answer to either question, and he knew that if he dwelled, he could spend hours thinking about it. so he just smiles, pretends like it doesn’t kill him inside as he gets a whiff of charlie’s perfume, something sweet and kind of muted, nothing too overwhelming; it was so lovely, and he wouldn’t mind getting full breaths of it, the idea of nosing along the ivory column of her neck enough to cause his cheeks to flush an embarrassing pink. he just putters around the kitchen without any real direction, and listens to charlie convince herself of her worth by deciding she wasn’t going to wait around for levi. ‘you’re no bother. i don’t mind. you can stay, if you like. or you can leave. whatever you want.’ he says, hating himself for how awkward and ineloquent he has suddenly become. nuri watches her sip from her mug, getting caught in her beauty for a moment before she speaks again. he drops his gaze and steadies his hands against the island of the counter. he really needed to relax. ‘oh, um –,’ he frowns slightly at her inquisition. it’s not that what she asked had offended him, but there was just something about her tone, the look in her eyes, that said she knew the answer. so nuri just supplies it, the response that she must have been expecting. ‘i’m not much of a … partier. that’s more of levi’s thing. but when he’s here we do all kinds of shit. go out, maybe get drunk. i smoke, too. i hang out with some of my friends that i’m in grad school with, we’ll go to an art gallery opening or a foreign film. i’d rather have wine with my friends then go to a party where no one even knows me.’

nuri was already abandoning his book as the suggestion left his lips – the familiar muscle memory that followed dog-earring a page coming soon after his initial query. once he had set the novel back on the coffee table, he only smiled weakly in response, moving around her lithe frame to move into the small kitchen. he kept himself busy as the air in the room grew thicker alongside levi’s absence; he knew that they were both thinking the same thing, or at least, along similar lines – how could he do this yet again, why couldn’t he communicate, when were things going to change – and nuri pretended he didn’t know the answer to all three of those crucial questions. he acted as if the only thing he knew was making this poor girl tea, this naive, infatuated young lady who didn’t know any better. he stays quiet as charlie comes over to perch on one of the barstools that line the kitchen’s counter, the space between them scarce due to the size of the apartment. nuri’s fingers kept busy as she began to ramble, to reveal things to him that he wasn’t ultimately prepared for. because this – this pining that he had been feeling, this envy that he had towards his best friend for being with the girl that nuri always silently punished himself for not talking to her first, was only magnified when she was right in front of him, golden tresses spilling over her shoulders and down her back, blue eyes settling on him imploringly as she laid her heart out for him to see. it isn’t until he hears her rise from her seat, a pathetic laugh pealing from her perfectly shaped lips, that he feels the urge to speak. ‘i don’t think you’re dumb. levi’s just –,’ he hesitates, looking for the right word, as he tugs at the end of his white tee shirt, the same tee that hangs off his frame perfectly, that accents the way his broad shoulders lead into narrow hips, defined by swirling ink and wiry muscles. his ring clad fingers continue to fidget for a moment, before he plucks the offered teabag from charlie, his amber irises flickering to meet blue. ‘he can just be forgetful sometimes. i’m sure, no – i know he loves you. tonight’ – and every other night, nuri thinks – ‘tonight must be a fluke.’

there was a wave of envy that ran through nuri at the sight of charlie, a kind of inexplicable jealousy that had nothing to do with the girl herself and everything to do with levi – his best friend of countless years, the same levi that had introduced himself in preschool and never looked back – and his ability to land a girl like charlie, a girl that was so breathtakingly beautiful, with liquid gold spilling over narrow shoulders and these azure hues that left him near breathless every time they so much as glanced in his direction. he didn’t know how levi had managed to get a girl like that to talk to him, let alone date him, and that jealousy, if nothing else, was one of the strongest emotions that nuri felt. how could he have someone as amazing, as extraordinary as charlie, and not even care ? how could he forget things like dates and anniversaries, birthdays and special moments like none of it meant anything to him ? nuri was at a loss; it wasn’t like he would ever ask, ever dare pose a query and wonder aloud about his oldest friend’s behavior. so, when charlie shows up on their doorstep like this, disappointed to see anyone but levi answering the door and nuri standing there like fish out of water in his own apartment, he can’t help but feel a bit of irritation intertwined with the envy that reared it’s ugly green head whenever it got the chance. the pitying smile she offered him was nothing like the grin that was usually beamed in his friend’s direction, and he pretended like he hadn’t noticed the difference as he follows in behind her, the door shutting with a loud snap behind them, thanks to the autumn breeze that was blowing just past the threshold. nuri remains silent amidst her rambling, his focus on anything but the couple, as he settles back into the corner of the couch, his fingers already back on his novel. ‘no, he’s not. i don’t know where he is, or when he’ll be back, either. i haven’t spoken to him.’ he’s about to crack open his book, get back into the mischief amongst some of his favorite characters, when an exasperated sigh leaves his lips. ‘do you, um – do you, like, want something to drink? i know you probably had work, and like, i don’t know. i can make you some tea or coffee?’

nuri’s afternoon was full to the brim with reading, dry, calloused fingers getting stuck to the edges of the pages as he turned them with a rhythmic consistency, hazel eyes flicking over the words, absorbing them with a quiet ease. he absorbed the beauty of literature with a kind of enthusiasm that he didn’t possess for anything else; and as he flicked through virginia woolf’s to the lighthouse as if he hadn’t already read it a dozen times, the spine worn from the amount of time that it had spent in his hands. he’s getting to one of his favorite parts of the rising action, the interactions between characters starting to become more and more heated, just as he hears a knock at the door. his warm irises immediately flicker to the watch that adorned his left wrist, and he realizes the time; he’s surprised, really, that levi isn’t home yet – but he also can’t be surprised at his friend’s innate inability to show up anywhere on time. he stands with haste, his heart beat a little loud as it rings in his ears. he wasn’t prepared for company, what with his shirt discarded on the back of the couch and his hair a mess. nuri quickly pulls it on, looking at his hair in the distant reflection of the microwave before shuffling barefoot against the carpet to the door. he doesn’t even prepare himself – no peek through the peephole, no quick check through the curtains – and he undoes the deadbolt and the chain, pulling open the door to reveal charlie. the sight before him has his breath getting caught somewhere in his throat, and he hesitates for a moment, before clearing his throat, and moving out of the way so she could come inside. ‘hey charlie, come in, come in.’