just let me hold you for a little longer

charlie wondered silently if the awkwardness in the air between them was real or if it was just in her imagination but for whatever reason, she found herself feeling incredibly nervous to be in nuri’s presence. ‘well, thanks. i appreciate it. i appreciate you.’ she smiled, her eyes lingering on his features for a bit too long. she watches him closely, memorizing his every move and smiling lazily to herself. his ink scattered arms catch her attention and she wonders why she had never noticed them before. suddenly, guilt comes over her as nuri seem’s to falter at her question and she regrets asking it but the way his lips pout out as he frowns ever so slightly might have been the cutest thing that charlie had ever seen. ‘oh - i get that. you have your own things to do.’ she smiled, bringing her mug to her lips once more. it was ridiculous how mature nuri was. art galleries, foreign film movies? it was certainly not her scene but she couldn’t help but wonder what his life was like … what it was to be a part of his life; to be his friend. he was so - cool - he was so unlike anyone she knew.  ‘but you should come out with us sometime, it could be fun.’ she offers although something tells her that the likeliness of him hanging out with her and levi at some crowded bar or a stupid party was very slim; he was too mature for those sort of things and that alone was incredibly attractive. ‘or you know … ‘ she pauses, tossing blonde tresses over her shoulder nonchalantly.  ‘we could always do something. you know, just the two of us? dinner maybe?’ charlie shrugs, trying to act like it wasn’t extremely left field that she had just invited him to dinner. she wasn’t even sure why she did, it just came out of her mouth. ‘but i’m sure you have way cooler people to hang out with then me.’ a laugh escapes her lips and she reaches out, trailing her fingers down his arm. ‘these are really cool.’ was she flirting with him? was it obvious that she was flirting with him? 

when the words leave charlie’s lips, nuri is startled, almost struck frozen by her honesty. her appreciation for him is hardly necessary, nuri only being kind to his friend’s girlfriend out of the unspoken rules that lie between years and years of friendship. ‘oh no, really. it’s nothing. it’s really no bother at all.’ nuri’s resting heart rate was usually at something that would be deemed ‘stable’ by any medical professional; he ate healthy, exercised regularly -- the only thing that really effected his health had to do with his smoking, really, and he liked to think of himself as someone who’s able bodied, someone who can really take care of himself. but the moment that charlie looks at him from beneath her lashes, he can feel his heart taking off, like it was intent on winning some sort of race, leaving his sense of rationale behind and making him forget everything he was supposed to do, everything that he was supposed to say. she had his heart in her grasp and she didn’t even know it, probably wouldn’t even care if he laid his hand out, with all the hearts faced up, ready and willing to give it all to her. and wasn’t nuri pathetic, for thinking all of this because she flicked her hair over her shoulder, because she fluttered long mascaraed lashes and made him look at her like she hung the fucking moon? he must be, because as she’s talking, her demeanor has started to make his breathing go short, her words and the meaning behind them and everything she’s saying and everything she isn’t has sort of started to overwhelm him more than he could handle. so instead of responding right away, he finds something to do with his hands, idly twists the rings that he has tucked onto his slim fingers, because had she just asked to hang out with him? alone? one on one, without levi, just the two of them? he doesn’t know what the fuck is happening, not at all, because he must have been dreaming, or something equally bizarre, to have charlie actually looking at him with -- well, with what he could only deem as interest -- and he could feel his heartbeat in his throat. this was not good. ‘i don’t think i’ve really ever met someone cooler than you, charlie.’ nuri admits, and moments after he’s mortified. he can’t believe he could even come up with something that’s so lame, and he’s silently reprimanding himself, trying to think of something else to say that would save him from that trainwreck. but instead he breathes, because apparently he was holding his breath without even noticing, and his heart was beating violently against his chest now because charlie’s feather-light touch was brushing over the outline of the lotus on his forearm and fuck, he really can’t do this. ‘really? thanks.’ he breathes, his voice a little less unsure then it had been, as he shuts off his mind and conscience, and lets his body move towards her, rounding the counter so that he’s in front of her where she’s perched on the bar stool. he would only have to move an inch to be standing in between her long, long legs, that seemed to never end, really, and that were only accentuated by the tight dress and a shimmer that must be natural. he wanted to die. ‘i have a shit ton, actually.’ he moves his other arm, lets his hand rest on the counter, so that she’s surrounded by him. ‘which one do you like best?’

‘forgetful.’ charlie repeats with a nod of her head. returning to the barstool she had earlier abandoned, she runs her hand through her hair, an anxious habit of hers. although she can’t quite pick up on whether nuri is trying to protect charlie from the truth, of cover levi for his mistakes - it helps wage the war inside of her, the voices telling her that levi didn’t love her; the same voices that are constantly telling her that maybe he is with another woman, that maybe this was all a game to him. ‘i promise if he isn’t here in the next ten minutes, i’ll leave you to your book. i don’t want to be a bother.’ she smiles up at him, taking the mug from him and wrapping both hands around it, the warmth from the hot tea comforting her. ‘thanks.’ she takes a sip before resting the cup on the counter, fiddling with the string of the teabag. ‘can i ask you something?’ charlie had known nuri for a while now, her waiting around the apartment for levi to return was unfortunately a usual thing but never had they actually spoken much. sure, the usual small talk and polite conversation occurred; hellos and goodbyes, nuri apologizing for levi’s absence, charlie apologizing for interrupting nuri’s evening … but never real conversation. after taking another sip of the hot tea, her eyes find his and for the first time she notices how beautiful his hazel hues are, and how his eyelashes flutter when he blinks. ‘don’t you ever get lonely? i mean, whenever i see you - ‘ she pauses, trying to find her words, trying not to come off as rude. ‘you’re just always with your book or something, kept to yourself. do you ever go out and party?’ 

nuri didn’t like feeling like this -- like he was yearning for something, like what he wanted was just out of his reach -- he was one of the rare people that liked to take what they want regardless of the consequences, and now he was feigning obliviousness; pretending his feelings didn’t exist, like his desires were muted and his passion extinguished. it was easier, really, to pretend like what he wanted wasn’t important, to put others first, to let them know they were more special than he. because who was nuri, really ? why was his happiness worth more than someone else’s ? he didn’t really have an answer to either question, and he knew that if he dwelled, he could spend hours thinking about it. so he just smiles, pretends like it doesn’t kill him inside as he gets a whiff of charlie’s perfume, something sweet and kind of muted, nothing too overwhelming; it was so lovely, and he wouldn’t mind getting full breaths of it, the idea of nosing along the ivory column of her neck enough to cause his cheeks to flush an embarrassing pink. he just putters around the kitchen without any real direction, and listens to charlie convince herself of her worth by deciding she wasn’t going to wait around for levi. ‘you’re no bother. i don’t mind. you can stay, if you like. or you can leave. whatever you want.’ he says, hating himself for how awkward and ineloquent he has suddenly become. nuri watches her sip from her mug, getting caught in her beauty for a moment before she speaks again. he drops his gaze and steadies his hands against the island of the counter. he really needed to relax. ‘oh, um --,’ he frowns slightly at her inquisition. it’s not that what she asked had offended him, but there was just something about her tone, the look in her eyes, that said she knew the answer. so nuri just supplies it, the response that she must have been expecting. ‘i’m not much of a ... partier. that’s more of levi’s thing. but when he’s here we do all kinds of shit. go out, maybe get drunk. i smoke, too. i hang out with some of my friends that i’m in grad school with, we’ll go to an art gallery opening or a foreign film. i’d rather have wine with my friends then go to a party where no one even knows me.’

feeling foolish, unappreciated and genuinly just embarrassed, charlie takes out her phone and pretends to be doing something. remaining quiet, she sends another text to levi, pleading with him to show up; telling him how she wasn’t going to wait all night when in reality she probably will. with a sigh, charlie looked over at nuri and nodded. “uh, yeah. thank you. tea, that would be nice, if it’s not too much trouble.” she always felt bad barging in and hanging around the apartment when levi wasn’t there. nuri seems to always be doing something, keeping himself occupied and she felt like she was just a bother. he was a good guy though and often times charlie found herself thinking about him; wondering why he was single, wondering why no one had snatched him up yet. he was sweet, he was respectful, he was intelligent and he was handsome. he was the sort of guy that charlie knew she should have been with but that would have been too easy. levi was a bad boyfriend, he didn’t treat her right, he didn’t care about what she had to say and he never showed up on time. honestly, he was an asshole but that just happened to be her type. maybe it was because she liked the chase, she liked the struggle. life was boring and charlie enjoyed walking on the wild side, it kept her on her toes. but sometimes it got tiresome. sometimes when she spent the night alone, wondering why her boyfriend hadn’t called her back in twenty-four hours, she got sick of it. subconsciously, charlie knew she deserves better but so eager for love and to be loved, she settles. tossing her phone in her bag and standing up, charlie walks over to where nuri is sitting and smiles. “you must think i’m pretty dumb. you know, for always waiting around for him.” she laughs but it’s not a laugh of humor, but rather one of pity. pity on herself and pity on her relationship. as he gets up from his spot to make her a drink, she follows behind him and for whatever reason her eyes start to wander and she catches herself staring for a little too long. has nuri always been this handsome? standing beside him she shrugs and grabs a teabag from the pantry. “but he loves me. i know he doesn’t do it on purpose.” she is convincing herself this fact more so than she was convincing him. 

nuri was already abandoning his book as the suggestion left his lips -- the familiar muscle memory that followed dog-earring a page coming soon after his initial query. once he had set the novel back on the coffee table, he only smiled weakly in response, moving around her lithe frame to move into the small kitchen. he kept himself busy as the air in the room grew thicker alongside levi’s absence; he knew that they were both thinking the same thing, or at least, along similar lines -- how could he do this yet again, why couldn’t he communicate, when were things going to change -- and nuri pretended he didn’t know the answer to all three of those crucial questions. he acted as if the only thing he knew was making this poor girl tea, this naive, infatuated young lady who didn’t know any better. he stays quiet as charlie comes over to perch on one of the barstools that line the kitchen’s counter, the space between them scarce due to the size of the apartment. nuri’s fingers kept busy as she began to ramble, to reveal things to him that he wasn’t ultimately prepared for. because this -- this pining that he had been feeling, this envy that he had towards his best friend for being with the girl that nuri always silently punished himself for not talking to her first, was only magnified when she was right in front of him, golden tresses spilling over her shoulders and down her back, blue eyes settling on him imploringly as she laid her heart out for him to see. it isn’t until he hears her rise from her seat, a pathetic laugh pealing from her perfectly shaped lips, that he feels the urge to speak. ‘i don’t think you’re dumb. levi’s just --,’ he hesitates, looking for the right word, as he tugs at the end of his white tee shirt, the same tee that hangs off his frame perfectly, that accents the way his broad shoulders lead into narrow hips, defined by swirling ink and wiry muscles. his ring clad fingers continue to fidget for a moment, before he plucks the offered teabag from charlie, his amber irises flickering to meet blue. ‘he can just be forgetful sometimes. i’m sure, no -- i know he loves you. tonight’ -- and every other night, nuri thinks -- ‘tonight must be a fluke.’

the day was spent like any typical day in charlie’s life. she woke up, she showered and she went to work. she didn’t hate her job as a waitress but she hated all of the customers, all of the old men that winked at her, asked if she was on the menu and called her pet names. even more than that, she hated being told what to do. as soon as she had clocked out, she nearly ran out of the door and to her car. of course, levi didn’t answer his phone when she called. he also didn’t answer the three text messages she sent him reminding him of their date that night. after freshening up, getting herself ready and trying to call him one more time, charlie decided to just show up there. levi had told her to meet him there and she had to give him the benefit of the doubt, trust that he’d be there. as she knocks on the door and waits to be greeted, she straightens out her dress and checks her lipstick in the reflection of her phone. finally the door door opens but levi is not behind it. instead, his roommate greets her and any glimpse of hope she once had is gone. “oh, hey nuri.” she offers him a smile and walks inside, looking around the familiar apartment. “he’s not here, is he?” it wasn’t unusual. honestly, it would have been unusual if he had answered. “i’m sure’s just running late. he’ll be here soon.” she tries to convince herself more so than nuri. it was embarrassing honestly, how many times she had sat there and waited for levi like a puppy. 

there was a wave of envy that ran through nuri at the sight of charlie, a kind of inexplicable jealousy that had nothing to do with the girl herself and everything to do with levi -- his best friend of countless years, the same levi that had introduced himself in preschool and never looked back -- and his ability to land a girl like charlie, a girl that was so breathtakingly beautiful, with liquid gold spilling over narrow shoulders and these azure hues that left him near breathless every time they so much as glanced in his direction. he didn’t know how levi had managed to get a girl like that to talk to him, let alone date him, and that jealousy, if nothing else, was one of the strongest emotions that nuri felt. how could he have someone as amazing, as extraordinary as charlie, and not even care ? how could he forget things like dates and anniversaries, birthdays and special moments like none of it meant anything to him ? nuri was at a loss; it wasn’t like he would ever ask, ever dare pose a query and wonder aloud about his oldest friend’s behavior. so, when charlie shows up on their doorstep like this, disappointed to see anyone but levi answering the door and nuri standing there like fish out of water in his own apartment, he can’t help but feel a bit of irritation intertwined with the envy that reared it’s ugly green head whenever it got the chance. the pitying smile she offered him was nothing like the grin that was usually beamed in his friend’s direction, and he pretended like he hadn’t noticed the difference as he follows in behind her, the door shutting with a loud snap behind them, thanks to the autumn breeze that was blowing just past the threshold. nuri remains silent amidst her rambling, his focus on anything but the couple, as he settles back into the corner of the couch, his fingers already back on his novel. ‘no, he’s not. i don’t know where he is, or when he’ll be back, either. i haven’t spoken to him.’ he’s about to crack open his book, get back into the mischief amongst some of his favorite characters, when an exasperated sigh leaves his lips. ‘do you, um -- do you, like, want something to drink? i know you probably had work, and like, i don’t know. i can make you some tea or coffee?’