christine + ism

I know my daily body temperature and that I’ve ovulated. Everyday is a wonder about whether this is the cycle or not. 

We waited 3 cycles and have now tried 3 cycles and I am days away from knowing if we need to try for a 4th.

April feels like yesterday in some ways, the experiences are still barely under the surface. 

In a few weeks I would have had a due date, and in a month after that I would have had another due date. 

And now it feels like we will never get a chance again.

We should have tried again in May. We should have tried last year.

It’s hard to not be consumed in this, to not be consumed in my own body.

Since then my spin instructor announced she is pregnant, along a very similar timeline to what I had. Onno was born, Michelle is expecting in February, and Hannah and Davis are having a little girl. 

A lot of the time I feel like a sore loser and want to just cut everyone off and start life anew somewhere else. But I can’t do that, and is that the type of mother I want to be?

I’ve had so much inner dialogue questioning if I am suited to be a mother. Do I speak and think the way a mother would. Do people around me think I am suited to be a mother. Am I still a child, childish, a baby. 

Of the roller coaster the past few months has been, I am currently feeling at the top. Still nervous but its a nervous that could be excitement. Maybe some disbelief. Haha

I’ve been offered an interior design position at a firm that I have been following for so long, and one that I’ve looked up to for so many things. Today they expressed that they wanted me on my team and the feeling I have is

Me?! Really?

What a crazy next step this is in my journey... one that gives me real confidence that I have value.

why is it so much easier to trust that negative feelings will be had.

things are a roller coaster and I know that, yet I seem to trust that the bad feelings will come back more than the good feelings will. I am nervous now, but when the time comes for me to be brave, maybe I won’t feel so much panic, and maybe it might even be exciting... so why worry now?

i have been suspended in limbo for a few months now and it feels exhausting.

working full time, while finishing school, and working part time on my side hustle since February has put me on such a high string. 

Challenges make me want to puke, a panic sets in.

Things that should be exciting and positive cripple me with fear and I don’t know how to feel or see anything else.

A couple hours later..

Feeling less panic about this contract offer and confident in the skills I’ve been showing over the last 3 years. Of course, I needed to bawl it out for a bit and it probably won’t be the end of the panic feeling, but I need to get a grip.

I need to remember that my initial response to things is 100% not an accurate feeling to what is actually being presented to me. I need to give it time to percolate, to process, and breathe. 

I forget to breathe a lot. I need to zoom out of my life and see a bigger picture, a larger view of my life to realize how insignificant it is, and then find relief in that. 

I’m not facing the end of the world, or preparing for an immeasurable responsibility.

Just over 3 years ago I posted my last post on here. I had started my new career in interior design. A complete newbie.

And last week was my last week at that job. Serendipitous timing for me to hop back on here and feel the need for an old outlet, a place to write, a way to tap into my stream of consciousness again. Mostly to navigate this uncertain time.. as I start my own business that is a blank slate. 

I started Studio June this month. Part of me cringes at the thought of this term “business”, as if it’s not yet a real business, or a business means seriousness and stress.

I want Studio June to represent something different and more fun. I don’t want to get knots in my stomach thinking about it, like I’m going to puke or get stuck in a panic. I want it to make me feel like summer sun on my face. The warmth, the excitement, the peacefulness...