Wonderland Exist

I’m not trying to blame my current status in life, but oddly, I can say I love you. It’s weird. No matter what happens or the course of life (all past, present, and future), I know I love you. Due to your current life situtation, which is confusing, and with my fear, I still want to be kept in the dark and not know you’re true feelings. I know I can’t receive anything in return, but yet, I still want to be with you. You’re constantly in my mind and it makes me sad to the point where I’m asked if I’m okay. Am I okay? Being with you really brings up my spirit and makes me feel whole again, but also not complete because in the back of my head, I know it can’t be. Finding potentials are hard to begin with, but hypothetically I were to find someone, how is this going to affect the future person I’m going to be with? It’s hard resisting around you and I’m not one to cheat. Loving you doesn’t express enough, but letting you go rip me to pieces. Only time can tell once it arrives. I love you and don’t forget it!

There’s only a few people I’m comfortable with when it comes to talking about what goes on in my head. Telling the same story over and over again gets pretty tiring, even if it’s with different people. Anyhow, I told them how I feel as though my love life is non-existent. I’m not trying to be dramatic or looking for pity. I also talk about how happy I am, but at the same time, how unhappy I am with who has been on my mind since about a year ago. No, it’s definitely NOT my ex. Maybe I’m just making it a lot more difficult then it should be. Everything that everybody told me to do ends up with the exact same advice; “Why don’t you ask and get everything clarified?” My answer would be the same; “No.” I guess the reason being is simple. I don’t want to know the answer. Maybe because I’m scared. I fear of the answer. I fear what the outcome may be or how I think the answer would be. At most, I know that I shouldn’t be really fearing the unknown, but I honestly can’t help it. Until then, if I ever build the courage maybe I’ll ask. As for now, I’ll keep it in the unknown. I continue to live life the way it is. Life will always find away. No matter how shitty it may be, everything will work itself out. On the other hand, it could be that I’m just telling myself this.

It’s been a log time since I’ve actually revisited Tumblr.. Well, time to get into it and start having it as my outlet and hopefully that helps 😅 It has been a little over a year since I’ve been trying to rediscover myself and basically re-boost myself to whom I was. The hardest part was trying to remember because I forgot. I realized that I started losing and forgetting who I am since late 2013. During my year discovery, I was able to at least re-gain bits and pieces of that things I use to enjoy, such as dancing, painting, and amongst others. However, I’ve built up this overpowering shell and my sub-conscience keeps making it grow bigger and bigger. I’ve never had these feelings before. The feeling of fear. Fearing judgement, doubting myself and my skills, and giving up. I know that life is an experience and you learn from your mistakes to make your life better. Why can’t I learn from it? Why do I allow these things to happen to me? During the year, I’ve slowing started to become dead inside. Not feeling what a “normal” person would feel; indifferent. Doesn’t matter if it were to be something excited, depression, sad. I just feel indifferent. The good thing is that, due to recent events, I started to get those feelings bad. Unfortunately, the first to come back is sadness. Still, every little bit makes me oddly happy because I feel something. I’ve started going out more. Reconnecting with my besties and having fun. I do hate that I have to work up my courage via alcohol. At least I’m able to recall everything. Sadly, no matter how much I drink, my sub-conscience still overpowers. All and all, these are still learning experiences and I do feel some changes in myself. No matter how long it’ll take, I will find myself. No matter how silly this sounds, I am very for the versions of myself in the multi-verse for making the right decisions, going towards the right directions, and living life happily and confidently. I’m envious, but you guys keep doing you!