CHO SCANDALOUS.

And now your moment of zen: white girl drunk Maeda Atsuko coming back from a go-con

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Normally, we don't give two shits about what relatives of uninteresting celebs do (save for Shirota Yu's batshit mom) but since AkiP is going all Murdoch on us:

Hey Japanese news-media. I heard you don't feel like that an AKB48 member's mom being arrested for being a pedo is news/were paid off not to talk about it so we decided the only thing to do in this situation is to TALK ABOUT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. 

HIDE YO' KIDS

Apparently, certain outlets are suspecting that AkiP is threatening withholding of rights to photograph the AKB members in ugly bathing suits to publishers that actually talk about this. And I thought only the mob suppressed gossip!  

And can anyone explain why there is so much white knighting for some rando celeb's mom? 'Cause you know, the relative sexual purity of your waifu's mom bears directly on your honor and dignity.  

Cutting out the "JAPAN IS SO WEIRD AND FOREIGN I'M TOTALLY LIVING LOST IN TRANSLATION NOW" bits, Charlie Brooker offers an astonishingly accurate description of Japanese TV:

Generally though, the TV here is surprisingly dull. The vast majority of programmes consist of several seriously overexcited people sitting in an overlit studio decorated like a novelty grotto made from regurgitated Dolly Mixture, endlessly babbling about food.

Seriously, it's all food, food, food. People eating food, answering questions about food, sometimes even just pointing at food and laughing. It's as they've only just discovered food and are perpetually astonished by its very existence. Imagine watching an endless episode of The One Show with the colour and brightness turned up to 11, where all the guests have been given amphetamines, the screen is peppered with random subtitles, and every 10 seconds it cuts to a close-up shot of a bowl of noodles for no apparent reason. That's 90% of Japanese TV right there.

For a nation so preposterously hi-tech, it's a curiously old-fashioned approach to television. People talking in studios. Forever. Like it's the 50s. And yet it's insanely agitated: as though the participants are simply too wired to make a proper TV show, and have subsequently just switched the cameras on and started yelping.

If your tastes are dictated by popular opinion, here's an early look at winter drama ratings.

People love the shit outta: Taira no Kiyomori, Strawberry Night and Lucky Seven.

Hungry! and Dirty Mama seem to be word-of-mouth hits fro the increase in viewership.

Ending Planner was so boring that it bored to death a third of its viewers.

And literally 2 people watched the trainwreck that is known as Suugaku Joshi.

In order from top to bottom: Aibou 10, Strawberry Night, Lucky Seven, Hungry!, Dirty mama!, Risou no Musuko, Ending Planner, Saigo kara nibanme no koi, unmei no hito, Renai NEET, Seinaru kaibutsutachi, hayami-san to yobareru hi, Stepfather Step, 13-sai no hello work, tonbi, mousou sousa, Deka Kurogawa Suzuki, honjitsu taian nari, teen court, konna aidoru ja nain, suugaku joshigakuen.

So Ayu is back on the market. (Not like anyone was waiting, amirite)

Apparently, the reason why she split with Manuel Schwarz is because "she doesn't want to leave Japan" after the Tohoku earthquake. Oh, okay. 

So uh...there's that info. It's very surprising to many of you I am sure. When I read the article I actually said "Oh. Duh." out loud. 

Do you think that was the first place the cops looked? It's kind of an ingenious hiding place because you'd totally blend in with all the other neckbeard-y possibly-rapists there as well.

It's that time of the year girls.

As usual, we're probably not going to feature dramas obviously for old people or obviously for children.

Lucky Seven

  Starts: January 16, Monday-9 slot Who's in it: Matsumoto Jun, Eita, Oizumi Yo, Matsushima Nanako  What they say it's about: The story revolves around a team of seven detectives who work together to solve difficult cases, with Matsumoto playing a rookie named Tokita Shuntaro. The theme is "action", "laughter", and "being positive."  Translation: Matsujun is a rookie detective that just cares too much about his clients! He'll ganbaru until the end! First episode will include a prolonged scene of him crying in the rain. Yao: Dear god TV show makers, when will you stop casting Matsujun as the "earnest rookie (insert profession here)"? Actually, when will you stop casting any Arashi member as the earnest rookie? Probably not until they're all 50.

Veronica: Things MatsuJun is not particularly good at: 

"action",

"laughter", and

"being positive." 

So yeah. Looks promising. If it's funny I'll watch and I like Eita, but this is making my Shitty Senses tingle.

Taira no Kiyomori

Starts: January 8, Sundays Who's in it: Matsuyama Kenichi, Tamaki Hiroshi, Matsuda Shota, Fujiki Naohito What they say it's about: The 51st NHK Taiga drama recounts the life of Taira no Kiyomori (1118-1181), a general of the Heian period, who established the first samurai-based government in Japan. Translation: High-budget jidaigeki with a lot of Matsuyama Kenichi looking rugged.  Yao: Not gonna lie, kinda excited about it. The cast is super star studded and the production values must be through the roof. Did I also mention the official website looks awesome? 

 Veronica: Every guy in this is on my Top Sexy list. I have no clue where I'm going to find the time to watch the fucking taiga drama this year but idk I'll figure it out. 

13-sai no Hello Work

Starts: January 13, Fridays Who's in it: Matsuoka Masahiro, Yokoyama Yu,  What they say it's about: Matsuoka plays the role of Ogure Teppei, a 35-year-old policeman who dreams of being promoted to the First Investigation Division. One day, he suddenly slips back in time to 22 years earlier, at the height of Japan’s economic bubble. There, he meets his optimistic 13-year-old self (played by Tanaka Taketo). In order to help himself find the job and life that he hoped for, he has his younger self try out different kinds of work. It is said that more than 15 jobs will be presented in the drama. Yokoyama plays a Tokyo University graduate who looks up to Teppei as an older brother. Kiritani plays a college student who works as a special teacher for prep school. Other cast members include Fubuki Jun and Furuta Arata Translation: Ok, what they didn't mention in that little blurb is that it's based off a best-selling series for kids. So either they're gonna make it less Saturday morning cartoons to encourage all these NEETs and perpetual freeters or this is going to be another Japanese Government Sponsored Show for Your Health and Wellbeing. Yao: I am going to be angry if this isn't hilarious. Who am I kidding I know this is going to be mostly lectures about how it's important to find a "real job" so your parents don't have to keep on sending you money well into your 30s. I also doubt future Matsuoka's gonna be like "Hey kids! You're about to experience a soul-crushing economic meltdown that the country will take years to recover from!"

Veronica: I'm just excited to see Yokohama Yu try to convince me he's a Todai grad. BIG CHALLENGE FOR HIM.

Renai NEET ~Wasureta Koi no Hajimekata~

Starts: January 20, Friday-10 slot Who's in it: Nakama Yukie What they say it's about: Rin works in the sales promotion department at a publisher, though she is treated as unreliable by both her superiors and her subordinates. One day, she and her friend Nanako go their friend Miho’s “divorce ceremony,” where they meet three men: a dentist named Naoya, a flavorist at a major food company named Kota, and a handsome young man named Shunpei. The story focuses on the relationships between these 6 characters. The Tokyograph summary is misleading: Nakama Yukie is a 32-year-old who hasn't had a boyfriend in 8 years and has essentially forgotten how to "love" and is now hanging out with 5 other people in the same situation. I'm guessing this is a drama approved by the Japanese government to get those pesky singles to settle down with each other! Translation: People liked Watashi ga renai dekinai riyuu, let's make a somewhat similar show for a different age bracket.  Yao: What is up with the garden of eden imagery in the promo pic? Also, I guess now "NEET" is the new trendy word people are going to use for everything damned whether it actually makes sense or not. 

Veronica: Divorce Ceremonies are one of those "Weird Japan!!!" things that I cringe at and then forget about. I feel like I hate this already.

Hungry!

Starts: January 10, Tuesdays Who's in it: Mukai Osamu, Tsukamoto Takashi, Inagaki Goro What they say it's about: Mukai is taking on the role of Eisuke, a former bassist of a rock band who gave up his music dreams to carry on the tradition of his family’s French restaurant. The show will involve a love triangle as Kuninaka and Takimoto play rivals for Eisuke’s heart. Kuninaka has been cast as Eisuke’s older girlfriend Maria, who works at a bank. She is shocked to learn that Mukai has abandoned his music to devote himself to the restaurant, leading her to uncertainty about their relationship. Takimoto’s character is a 20-year-old college student named Chie who comes from a farming family. Although she initially had a bad impression of Eisuke, she begins to develop feelings for him after tasting his cooking. SMAP’s Inagaki will play Tokio, the owner of a competing French restaurant. In the past, he was fond of the restaurant that Eisuke’s mother ran, but after she passed away, he deceived Eisuke’s father and bought out the restaurant’s chefs and staff. Knowing of Eisuke’s ability as a chef, Tokio views him as a rival. Eisuke’s friends, who were part of his band ROCKHEAD, are being played by Tsukamoto (guitarist) and Miura (vocalist). Both of them help Eisuke with his restaurant. Translation: Yo, I heard everyone has a boner for that Mukai Osamu guy cause he's hot off the heels of doing Gou. Quick! Put him in an innocuous food drama with just a tiny bit of spice to keep it fresh! Yao: What is this promo video, I don't even. Were you guys too lazy to actually shoot film?

Veronica: I hate Mukai Osamu. He always has a bad attitude and I don't know why women find that attractive. Who wants to bet there's a tie-in album for whatever lame band his character is in within six months? 

Switch Girl

Starts: December 24, Saturdays Who's in it: No one I care about. What they say it's about: “Switch Girl!!” is a manga series by Aida Natsumi that currently runs in Shueisha’s magazine Margaret and has sold close to 5 million copies total. The story revolves around a high school student named Nika (Nishiuchi) who appears to be a stylish and fashionable girl at school, but that’s really a fake persona that she uses when she’s in public. At home, she “switches off” the facade and her returns to her true slovenly nature. Kiriyama Renn (26) plays the good-looking transfer student Arata, who is Nika’s love interest in the story.  Translation: Hotaru no Hikari for children teens. Yao: I will watch any series about a girl that is a gross old man/otaku at home and fabulous at school/work. All I want to know is how come they don't go all out with how gross women in their 'off' modes really get? I'll see how long I can stand this series before I get tired of high school "problems" that really aren't problems.

Veronica: I've read a little bit of Switch Girl and it's your run of the mill "OMG THIS WOMAN DOESN'T PERFORM FEMININITY THE SAME WAY MOST OF SOCIETY DOES, GROSS!" story. Oh, but in High School so it's really immature. The girl in that picture has what the internets likes to refer to as "jizz lips". Put on some cherry Chapstick PUH-LEEZE.

DisHonorable Mentions (aka, shit I care less than normal about): So apparently they're making a drama about Teen Court, where some high school girl reinvestigates cases so she can use her ~unique perspective~ as a teen to solve vapid mysteries by applying her knowledge about emoji and facebook photos. Everything about this drama makes me want kids to get off my lawn. Speaking of dramas aimed at the under-18 girls and over 40 men, NTV's trying to make Hello!Project relevant again by making Suugaku♡Joshi Gakuen (yes there is an actual heart mark in the title - indicating it's Emmy material). Like OMG it's a math school where the girls all look like HelloPro idols!!!11 I'm sure this will totally address the biases against women in the math and sciences and not just be thinly veiled fap material for nerds. JDrama tries its hand at old people romance with Saigo kara Nibanme no Koi. I'm not even going to go into everything that's wrong with Risou no Musuko. All you need to know is that it's essentially about having a massive Oedipal complex and it's populated with heysaywomp members. Hayami-san to yobareru hi seems so incredibly ryosai kenbo 2012. I guess Yamapi is making a drama where he's a funeral parlor worker/more detective than actual detectives. I know most of you Yamapi stans will think this is the beautiful, well proportioned baby of Six Feet Under and CSI but I know this is going to be another snooooring pseudo whodunnit show. Seinaru kaibutsu-tachi could potentially be interesting because the premise rests on possible foul play involving big money but I am not tween enough to watch for Okada Masaki and I really have 0 interest in hospital dramas. Ekiben Hitoritabi is one of those shows I have 0 interest in watching (unless of course, they decide at the last minute to cast shirtless Kimutaku. Let's not think too hard as to why you would need to be shirtless to eat/travel) but 1000% interest in actually doing. I also don't know why but I feel like I would be more encouraged to watch this if it were an anime. Idk, maybe I am just thoroughly amused that the protagonist looks like your gay bear friend from Portland.

Oricon Top 100 Songs of 2011 Mashup for your perusal.

If you look away from the video, it sounds like 3 very long idol songs! 

Unless someone dies or gets arrested for something hilarious, this is probably it from us for 2011. We'll still be monitoring comments and Asks but I doubt we'll post until January (not that we were super active lately anyhow).

I think in the New Year we might take the blog in a less-tabloid-y direction. Who knows.

Yes. Call me a total hypocrite but I had never even considered the possibility that Arashi lipsynced? I mean obviously they do but I guess I just like them so much they are exempt from my normal biting cynicism. Yao and I watched FNS the weekend it came out and we both remarked at how shitty it was that "the Good Singers (Nino and Ohno)'s mics were broken so you could only hear the other three!" Nino's almost-imperceptible look of shock in the first ten seconds of singing made the whole night for me.

Sometimes we are naiive fangirls too. I'm not really worried about their reputation going forward. They're still the #1 album-selling act of the year for the third year running.

- Japan Today

If you're gonna get married to a member of a shitty Japanese nu-metal band, you should have at least chosen a decent one like ONE OK ROCK. The BACK ON? For really real?

I don't know about you, but this picture makes me really respect them for their opinions on the financial crisis and global politics.

Tell me that AKB is giving out cocaine along with the crack they call music. Another million seller? W-T-F!

Seriously. I am not even living in Japan and I feel overwhelmed and fed up with them. Why doesn't Japan get sick of pedo-porny girl groups?

Perfectly timed submission, although I would replace 'cocaine' with 'prepubescent non-threatening femininity.'

I've been pondering long and hard about how to explain to people why AKB48 may top the Oricon charts but are actually not that appealing beyond a small group of very obsessed neckbeards. Thankfully, Marxy over at Neojaponisme did that for me (all parts of this segment are a highly recommended read). With a shift in consumer buying patterns (and arguably, a new type of consumer culture) in the backdrop, how CDs are marketed and sold creates some heavily skewed sales figures.

Here is a particularly relevant section:

The mass idol group [AKB48] regularly has an “election” (sousenkyo) where fans try to vote their favorite girl to Number One. Buying certain AKB48 CD singles gives the fan a vote in the AKB48 election, which thus incentivizes otaku to buy multiple copies of the CD to increase their “political” power. The CD is thus no longer a means of listening to music but a way to influence the future of AKB48. This has created a legion of fans who buy dozens and hundreds of the same AKB48 CD or even 5500 copies. There are now doubts about that story’s authenticity but it basically was an exaggeration of an existing principle. Regardless, the marketing strategy of AKB48 does encourage the purchase of multiple goods, thus amplifying the buying power of nerds beyond their small numbers. This means as a consumer bloc, the AKB48 otaku fans can rival the non-otaku consumer base. 

Tsk, tsk NHK.

Remember when they said they weren't letting on anyone related to the Yakuza? I guess they realized that that would only leave the Kpop groups and little children so they reneged on that ~steadfast vow of moral decency~.

Note that Ayu, EXILE, and every enka person ever is still on the bill despite being obviously bffs with the yakuza. 

And here I was hoping that I wouldn't need to fast forward though all that enka (except of course for my beautiful sparkle prince, Hikawa Kiyoshi)

I actually started writing this way back when the first episodes started coming out but end of the year work backlog pushed competition of this post back several weeks.

Autumn 2011 Dramas: The good, the bad, and the meh

Dramas watched*: Watashi ga renai dekinai riyuu, Nazotoki wa Dinner no ato de, 11nin mo iru!, Sengyou Shufu Tantei ~Watashi wa Shadow~, Nankyoku Tairiku

'watched' also includes 'previewed for a few seconds and was instantly bored'

Watashi ga renai dekinai riyuu - Good Even though I am highly suspicious of entertainment companies trying to make women like AKB48 members, I can't lie: I kinda enjoy this drama. I am usually partial to any J-drama about ~girlfriends~ and I guess this is the forever alone edition of Sex in the City. It's got plenty of juicy drama and painfully relatable moments, so I guess I'll be watching this Tuesday nights. 

...Don't watch it for the fashion, though.

Nazotoki wa dinner no ato de - Good The reviewers on amazon.co.jp seem to hate the shit outta the original books this series is based off of and I can kinda see why. Essentially, if you're watching it for the mystery, you're probably better off catching re-runs of CSI. As a comedy, it's rather enjoyable. Kitagawa Keiko's painful overacting actually works in her favor this time around as she's basically playing herself again a dumb heiress. Sakurai Sho and Shiina Kippei really make this drama, and it's the first drama in a long time that actually utilizes sarcasm and (albeit very mild) put-down humor. Heck, I enjoyed it so much I'm actually subbing it. 

Mitsu no Aji - So Bad that it's Good? Mitsu no Aji is my trainwreck drama of the season. It's kinda terrible but you can't can't stop watching. Couple this with many moments of inadvertent humor and you have a show that I'll watch whenever I'm mindnumbingly bored. First off, yes this show is about weird uncle/niece incest. Secondly, as if that premise is ~too boring~ for you they made the main character a crazy creeper and the girlfriend/fiance/wife of the uncle literally crazy. This show has way too many shaky camera zoom-ins on Eikura Nana's crazyface and a zillion slow-mo rain scenes. One of my favorite parts is how there's an obvious male model level hot med student that is totally crushing on the main character but she's more interested in going straight home to check her cell phone 1000 more times to see if her uncle texted her. 

Nankyoku Tairiku - Meh to the point of almost being Bad I am so disappoint, Kimutaku. When you make a drama, I expect a pared down, Japanese-government approved version of bodice-ripping and sticking-it-to-the-man. Nankyoku is only a few steps from being straight-on propaganda without even a few scenes of shirtless Kimutaku to make you forget it's thinly disguised propaganda. Even random netizens in Japan pretty much agree that there are way too many "you should be moved here, this is a poignant scene" that lay it on so thick and heavy that you feel like rolling your eyes rather than crying. 

11nin mo iru! - TBD Y'all know how much I love Kudokan dramas. Unfortunately, compared with his previous work, 11nin mo iru! is definitely...not so exciting for me. I can guess that this is primarily targeted towards (1) people who love family dramas (2) teens. There certainly are moments of signature Kudokan hilariousness but I am way too 20-something to completely enjoy the 'family hijinks', nor am I young/pedo enough to thoroughly enjoy watching some high school kid be on the verge of male prostitution. ಠ_ಠ

Kaseifu no Mita - Meh I tried to watch this but I became instantly bored as soon as it started up.