summary: soobin can’t stop overthinking his relationship with felix, stuck between giving him space and fearing that silence might push them apart. when yeonjun notices something is off, soobin opens up about how hard it’s been navigating felix avoiding serious conversations. it also brings up old wounds from the year soobin and yeonjun didn’t speak, shaping how soobin handles distance now. yeonjun grounds him, reminding him that trying this time already makes things different.
the dorm was too quiet. not uncomfortable quiet. just unfamiliar enough that it kept catching soobin off guard every few minutes. taehyun and kai had gone out earlier in the afternoon, beomgyu disappearing not long after with no real explanation beyond a vague “don’t wait up,” leaving the apartment strangely still.
the television played softly in the background, some random movie yeonjun had thrown on hours ago more for noise than actual interest. soobin hadn’t followed the plot once. he sat curled into the corner of the couch, fingers loosely wrapped around the remote while his attention drifted somewhere far beyond the screen. every few seconds, his thumb mindlessly pressed the volume button up and down without realizing it. yeonjun noticed after the fourth time.
“you planning on blowing the speakers out or what?”
soobin blinked, glancing down at the remote before quickly fixing the volume again. “sorry.”
yeonjun’s eyes narrowed slightly. he shifted where he sat, turning sideways against the couch cushions so he could look at him properly. “you okay?”
soobin let out the faintest huff through his nose, though there wasn’t much humor behind it. “i’m fine.”
“you’ve looked stressed since dinner.”
“i always look stressed.”
that made soobin glance over briefly before looking away again. yeonjun stayed quiet for a second, studying him carefully. they’d spent too many years around each other for things like this to go unnoticed anymore. soobin had tells whether he realized it or not. the restless fingers. the distant look in his eyes.
“did something happen?” yeonjun asked.
yeonjun paused briefly before asking, quieter this time, “felix?”
yeonjun sighed softly through his nose, leaning back against the couch. “you guys fighting?”
“no,” soobin answered quickly. too quickly. “we don’t really fight.”
“that’s not what i asked.”
the movie continued playing in the background, completely ignored now.
soobin rubbed tiredly at his face before speaking. “i just…” he trailed off, struggling to organize thoughts that had been running in circles for weeks now. “i don’t know how to talk to him lately.”
yeonjun’s expression softened slightly.
“every time i try to bring something serious up, it feels like he slips out of the conversation before we actually get anywhere.” soobin’s voice stayed calm, but the exhaustion underneath it was obvious. “and i know he doesn’t mean to. i know it’s not intentional.”
soobin stared down at his hands.
“but i don’t know if i’m supposed to keep trying or leave it alone.”
“what kind of serious conversations?”
soobin shrugged one shoulder weakly. “relationship stuff.” his mouth pressed into a thin line afterward. “just things he says catch me off guard and i'll try and question him about it but-.”
yeonjun nodded slowly, listening. “he avoids it?”
“have you told him that bothers you?”
“because i don’t want him to feel cornered,” soobin admitted finally, voice quieter now. “and i know he already overthinks enough.”
he swallowed once before continuing.
“but at the same time…” his fingers tightened faintly around the remote. “i keep thinking about how easy it is for people to drift when nobody says anything.”
yeonjun stilled slightly.
soobin didn’t seem to notice at first, eyes fixed somewhere on the dark television screen instead.
“sometimes giving people space is good,” he murmured carefully. “and sometimes you blink and suddenly a year passed without fixing anything.”
the words landed softly. yeonjun’s jaw tightened almost imperceptibly. soobin realized it a second too late.
his expression shifted immediately, guilt flickering across his face. “hyung, i didn’t mean-”
yeonjun answered too fast for him to finish. quiet settled between them afterward.
soobin exhaled slowly, leaning back into the couch cushions. “i’m not trying to compare you two,” he said after a moment, softer this time. “it’s just…” he shook his head faintly. “when things got bad between us, i kept telling myself i was doing the right thing by waiting. by not pushing you.”
yeonjun looked down at his hands.
“and i still would’ve waited,” soobin admitted honestly. “even longer if i had to. but i think part of me is scared of making the same mistake again.”
that hurt more than if soobin had outright blamed him. because yeonjun knew exactly what that year had done to him. he remembered every ignored text. every quiet car ride. every moment soobin looked at him like he wanted to ask if he was okay but swallowed the question instead because yeonjun kept shutting every door before anyone could walk through it. yeonjun rubbed slowly at the back of his neck before finally speaking.
“felix isn’t you,” soobin said quickly, almost defensive on his behalf.
“i know.” yeonjun’s voice stayed calm. “and you’re not me either.”
yeonjun sighed quietly before leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees.
“you know what the difference is?”
“you’re actually trying.”
yeonjun glanced at him properly now. “you’re thinking about him in every decision you make right now. whether to push, whether to back off, whether to wait.” his expression softened despite himself. “that’s not someone who’s failing their relationship, soobin.”
soobin looked away again, shoulders still tense.
“i just don’t want him thinking i’ll leave if he can’t figure himself out fast enough.”
another stretch of silence passed.
then, quieter now, yeonjun added, “for what it’s worth… i don’t think the problem back then was that you didn’t push me enough.”
soobin’s eyes flickered toward him again.
yeonjun gave a small humorless laugh through his nose. “i think i just got really good at making people feel like there was no point trying.”
the honesty in it made something in soobin’s expression soften immediately.
“i mean it.” yeonjun shrugged lightly, though his gaze stayed fixed ahead. “you didn’t fail me just because i shut you out.”
soobin stared at him for a long moment before finally looking back down at his hands. the knot in his chest loosened slightly. tears formed but soobin didn't know if it was from the stress, his current dilemma, his past hurt with yeonjun. it all felt like too much in this moment that he allowed the first tear to drop, then the second, then another. until soobin was a sobbing mess. and beside him, yeonjun stayed there in the silence with him. his hand stretched and placed it over soobin's back, his hand going in small circles to remind soobin he wasn't alone.
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