DJ BABY BENZ

Alicia didn’t know how long it had been, or how many shots she had taken. The only thing she was feeling was the pounding in her chest, and how the floor seemed to move underneath her. She could almost listen the live indie band playing in the background, singing a song she wasn’t familiar with, could smell the nicotine mixed with perfumes and the faint hint of lime coming from the the other side of the bar. Distant chatter, laughs and glasses clinging. And without her expecting it, she heard a voice she would recognize everywhere that seemed to have made time stop. 

The moment she heard those four little words, the actress couldn’t help to close her eyes and in cue she felt how a wave of electricity immediately ran down her spine, making every single cell in her body suddenly hyper aware of their surroundings. Alicia remained frozen in her position, not being able to turn around and actually face her, and with her, their past together. She also couldn’t help the small smile that suddenly began to grace her features, even after all this time, she could make her smile just by saying a few words. 

“I got like 5 of them over the years.” The Swedish actress commented with a hint of humor in her voice. It took her almost two entire minutes for her to be able to actually stand up, and in the process of doing so, of course she had to trip with the stool next to hers, causing her to lose balance for a slight second. To which she was quick to grab the edge of the bar for support, cussing in Swedish under her breath. 

“I’m okay.” She said to herself with a soft chuckle as she raised her hands in the air as a sign of surrounder. Yes, the alcohol was definitely causing a small havoc in her system. The moment she saw the other girl, a plethora of feelings suddenly came washing over her. “You’re blonde” Alicia announced, under her breath. Her eyes scanning every single feature in her face. Christ, her memories didn’t do her justice. Chloe was so much more beautiful than any product of her imagination. It was as if she was no longer the owner of her actions because before even thinking about it, the brunette took a few steps forward and grabbed Chloe’s face between both of her hands. “You’re still mean, but gosh, you’re pretty.” The girl admitted with a soft chuckle, tilting her head to the side keeping her eyes glued to the other girl’s. “Joe… can you get a drink for my girl over here.” Alicia went back to the bar, and leaned against it. “Well she’s not really my girl, cause she broke up with me but you know what I’m saying right.. right.” She definitely needed to stop drinking.

In a way, it was good that Alicia was still turned around, even if Chloe couldn’t miss the way she froze when she greeted her. She didn’t know if she could handle it, having to look right into her face after all these years and pretend this was just a casual meet up for drinks. It certainly felt anything but casual when Alicia replied to her, the brunette’s voice setting off a warm glow in her chest almost immediately even as it scared the hell out of her. 

Time passed both too fast and far too slowly before she saw the other girl standing, only to be hindered by the amount of alcohol she had consumed. Without a second thought, Chloe was reaching out, one hand on the other girl’s waist to keep her from falling. Her mouth was smiling of it’s own accord as she listened to the Swedish she was spewing, tongue no doubt prepared to make some joke about she was never that good at holding her liquor before the reality of having a hand on her ex-girlfriend after so long of trying to forget about her, the other girl’s body heat underneath her fingertips enough to make her brain forget anything she had been trying to say. She was always warm, Chloe remembered, and soft, and she always smelled wonderful, too, now that she was lost thinking about it...

When Alicia responded with her own observation, it shook Chloe back to reality enough to remove the hand from her waist, pulling her hand back like she’d been burned as she saw the other girl’s eyes search her face. She saw the brunette step forward, and some part of her brain thought that she still had time to put an end to this before she was too far gone, but as soon as the other girl’s soft hands landed on either side of her face, Chloe knew there was no going back. She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until she called her pretty, the oxygen leaving her lungs in something that came out like a laugh. It would almost be funny if it wasn’t so sad, the way that voice could make her forget about all the time they’d spent apart, all the reasons she was no good for her.

Alicia didn’t say anything, she simply nodded her head, even when Chloe couldn’t see it, before hanging up the call. Despite her drunken state, the actress could feel how her beating heart was threatening to make its way out of her chest. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the situation itself, but it seemed like her breathing and heart rate were going up with every passing second. A clear indication of the effect she still had over her. “What did I do?” Alicia groaned out loud as she allowed for her forehead to press against the cool glass from the bar.

“Probably what your heart was telling you to do?” Joe wondered out loud, which made her look up at the man in front of her. He was probably in his early thirties, had thick black hair, tattoos covering his entire left arm and had a kind smile, before he carried on. “Like my boyfriend always says, there is no worse blind man than the one who doesn’t want to see.” He was right, and she knew that. All Alicia wanted was to look at her, even if it would hurt like hell, to see how she was, to see that breathtaking smile once again, and to look into her gorgeous chocolate brown eyes that seemed to see right through her. 

A breath came out of Alicia’s parted lips, running a hand through her already messy hair before settling her attention back to Joe. “What if she doesn’t come?” her voice was softer than before, not risking the chance it might break midsentence. Voicing her fears would only make them more real and she was doing her hardest to do what she had asked Chloe, and simply not think. “Actually, don’t listen to me and just bring me a round of shots.. keep them coming.”

Chloe didn’t realize for moments after the call hung up that her eyes were closed, having been so lost in listening to her ex-girlfriend for the first time in what felt like forever. When she blinked her eyes open, catching the sight of both her dog staring at her, almost like they were also wondering what the hell she’d just done, she let out a sigh. Like usual, reality didn’t start setting in until after she had already made the impulsive decision. Left sitting on her couch alone, Chloe let out a groan, head felling into her hands.

How could she have thought this was a good idea, to meet her ex that she never once stopped thinking about or loving at the bar where they first met? Did she really think she could emotionally handle the sight of her, all soft hair and big eyes that seemed to contain the entire universe? She couldn’t answer. All she could do was grab her keys on the way out of her apartment, feet already moving in a direction she knew she couldn’t come back from.

She got to the bar almost on autopilot, her body having carried her there on instinct and memory alone - not to mention, she was still familiar with the place, because Alicia wasn’t the only one who liked to drink away her sorrows in the place where it had all started. Outside the door, she hesitated. With her fingers wrapped around the door handle, a physical reminder that the girl of her dreams was inside, the panic started to set in. She took a deep breath to steady the fight-or-flight reflex rising in her chest, opening the door to enter before she had another chance to think twice about it. 

Her mind was thinking about probably two thousand different things she wanted to say… things she wanted to ask, and demand even. They all revolved around how the other girl could say she remembered her, just like that. How she had the decency to say she thought about her. Alicia had lost count of how many sleepless nights she had spent wondering about that exactly, if the other girl still thought about her. If memories of their past together would run through her mind. 

But instead of voicing all of those thoughts, instead of getting the answers she so desperately wanted, Alicia knew she wanted one thing else more, “Come over.” Was all her lips could utter. And she was aware of the fact that it wasn’t probably the smartest idea, but thankfully it was true what they said about alcohol, it was liquid courage indeed.

“Just… don’t think about anything.” Funny how she was asking that from her, and couldn’t put her own suggestions into practice. But truth to be told? She didn’t want to think anymore, the entire purpose of her drinking that night was so she could let go of all the thoughts that had been haunting her mind. A mission that had fialed terribly, probably because Alicia had chosen the bar where they met, and not by accident. A part of her – a big part of her – wanted to be somewhere that would make her feel close to the girl that had once become the reason why she couldn’t erase the stupid smile from her face.

“I want to see you.” Being blunt, was both her blessing and her curse, but maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the memories, maybe it was the pain.. or maybe it was all three, that had led her to not giving a crap about the things she was saying anymore.  

Chloe blinked when she heard the two words she didn’t ever expect to hear again from her lips, the shock of it enough to make her forget all the reasons why it wasn’t a good idea. She wracked her brain to Alicia’s last stream of words, processing finally that she was at the bar where they had first met, meaning there were probably more than a few drinks in her system.

And maybe that should have deterred her, made her think twice, but it was enough to do the opposite. A million uncertainties still were floating around in her head, the foremost and worst being that Alicia must hate her now after what she had done to the girl. The next words were the exact thing Chloe needed to hear - don’t think about anything. Who was she to argue? Alicia could hate her if she wanted, it wasn’t like she didn’t deserve it -  as long as she got to see her, Chloe could deal with just about anything else.

“Come on Al, hand it over.” Joe began to say as he made an attempt to reach of her phone, over the bar, to which Alicia could only frown and shake her head from side to side while smaking his hand away. “Nooo, she needs to know, and i need to tell her–” Alicia kept saying, without being aware that Chloe was probably listening to their banter on the other end of the line.

Alicia could almost hear a faint humor in the other girl’s voice, while she asked the question. Was she actually being serious? The brunette couldn’t fathom the fact that she had the decency to ask said thing. But god, the sound of her voice was still able to do things to her. Even after all those years, how was that even possible? “You’re kidding me, right?? Joe, she’s asking how she’s being mean..” Alicia placed the phone at a small distance from her ear while her attention went to the man in front of her, who had his index finger on his temple and was sahking his head over and over again. “You can’t just do that, Chlo.” Her voice almost broke the moment she said her name. A name that hadn’t touched her lips in what it felt like a lifetime. 

“You can’t just text me out of the blue and pretend like nothing happened – even when that text wasn’t meant for me .. ESPECIALLY when that text wasn’t meant for me. I just.. I just..” Alicia’s lower lip started trembling, so she had to take it prisoner between her teeth while she took a deep breath from her nose, trying to calm herself down. “It’s sooo easy for you to do that, and honestly? I admire that, how you can pretend like nothing gets to you. Do you even remember me? Am I seriously that easy to forget to the point that you talk to me like I’m another friend– or actually, don’t answer that. I feel soooo dumb to be sitting here, in the exact same spot where we met, so if you think about it? it’s all oscar’s fault, i’m going to call him right now and say that it is his fault… no wait, i can’t call him joe is almost glaring at me right now so i’m almost sure that he will take my phone away, so you should call him and tell him that it’s his fault.” Alicia breathed out, not even knowing what she was saying, but it hurt, talking to her, being in that place hurt in a way she didn’t think it was possible.

The conversation in the background went almost completely over Chloe’s head, her one and only focus being on Alicia’s voice. Four years ago she had been certain that it was her favorite sound in the world, and it turned out that nothing had changed. She was too lost in the wave of the noise to focus on the actual words until she heard her name from the other girl’s mouth, the sound of it like a shock to her system, kicking her back into gear. The way her voice wavered slightly didn’t escape her notice either, a sharp stab of guilt accompanying her whirlwind of feelings.

In the end, she had to literally bite her tongue to stop herself from saying - well, anything, knowing she needed to process before she said something stupid again. The stream of consciousness she heard next from her ex’s lips had her eyes blinking back tears, like all the tears she had refuse to cry over the last four years (at least until she was alone, and usually not sober) were suddenly unable to be held back. Through that, though, her lips almost smiled while Alicia babbled on about how it was Oscar’s fault, loving to listen to her talk even when her words felt like they were burning.

“Yeah,” Chloe managed to get out, proud of the way her voice almost sounded steady. “I’ll tell him.” And then she sighed, the weight of Alicia’s confession settling on top of her heart through a few beats of silence. “And yeah, I remember you.”