The Owl Chronicle

friend: you can leave your shoes on

friend’s mom: you can call me by my first name

luke skywalker: *takes the lightsaber from her and gazes on it fondly* you have come back to me, old friend. this is all i need to ascend to my highest form of being *closes his eyes and turns into a 20 foot tall being made of pure light, all of his limbs are covered in the lightsaber blades of all jedi masters past present and future*

rey: holy shit

luke skywalker: that’s right young one. it’s time for the jedi order to end… and for the SUPER jedi order to begin. let’s go kick some ass

MEANWHILE ON A SHIP

poe: hey finn buddy! glad you’re awake! i just had a question for you. you don’t happen to have any sort of dynamic, ambivalent worldview you could go off and consider or refine in some kind of character study subplot, do you?

finn: haha no why would i waste the audience’s time with that? i DO have this two sided mandalorian darksaber with blasters on each end so it’s like a combination of darth maul’s lightsaber and ezra bridger’s composite blastsaber but i’m saving it to give to luke skywalker when he gets back from island

poe: wow cool! i’m going to go disappear for 2/3 of the movie again

BACK TO LUKE SKYWALKER

luke: – and so anyways, the genetic memories of Boba Fett and Emperor Palpatine were implanted into your mind as a child to give you advanced combat abilities and Force sensitivity, before you were hidden on Jakku to incubate your full potential before your father Grand Admiral Thrawn (from the EU) returned to initiate you into his jedi-assassin empire

rey: wow master luke, and here i thought i had talents informed by my difficult life experiences and heroic spirit

luke: LOL of course not. but you DO have the special nebula crystal entrusted to you by Obi Wan Kenobi that will allow us to bring Han Solo back to life as an all-knowing cyborg programmed to never not shoot first. this will help us win the Star Wars