I'm Just As Frustrated As You

Hi. It's been a while. I haven't really talked to this inner self for a while, not even question things in a deeper sense like I used to be. But I am here again, facing it. Only the pain and hurt grew like i never imagined. This year brought so much learnings, adventures, tested friendships, challenged myself, grew out of my comfort zone. It made me know me more in a logical and real life hard way. It made me explore zones I never crossed before and it made me reach the finish line of it all (thankfully). I was better, i know. That version of me was the best I have ever been since I got this life. I was contented. Above all those, it also made me conquer my fears, do extraordinary ones.

But what are all these without heartache, sorrow and deep pain? Life. I knew this even before. It's not new and rather familiar. I'm sure you know that by scrolling down through my web. I lost and failed people, sadly the most important one. I made terrible and impulsive decisions - one that were driven by instincts and pride. For years, I was trying to befriend the missing pieces. I wanted to pat myself in the back that it's just life and this was the one i got and I thought I did. Not until you met this incredible and warm hearted person. In one snap, everything I worked hard for was gone. I felt ironic trying to be familiar but indeed, grief is greater than loss. It came right passed at me without even knocking and it's the worst feeling. This is the memory I know will hurt a lifetime. The struggles are harder than before and surviving has been my greatest enemy; even at this moment. I would like to try what others have been telling- time will be kind and give you what you need: forgiveness, healing and succeeding. It may be not linear but I'll get there. I have come this long and far with my beautiful angel by myside, arent I? There are moments I felt you're holding my hand, specially when hurt is too much all at once. Your prescense is handling my grief like a candle; despite the burning of the wax, the wick is on fire and climbing up til the room has light, enough to see what and where I should go. I was meant to love you this much, even on the darkest days.

cheers to nineteen blessed years of your existence. i wish you to become every one you want to be. i wish i knew about it though. your dreams, your goals, the the small things you wanted to do, the little rants you make about something that irritates you, the little smiles you give everytime you hear what your mom cooked for dinner. i wish the littlest of them down to be big ones. i wish for us. i hope for us. and i will pray for you and me. for the time, chances, risks, opportunities and struggles, destiny and fate to come over us. because, love, you don’t have any idea how much i prayed for us to happen.

i looked up at tonight’s sky and i felt this cold breezy yet comforable night air. like it was so serene and kindle that the sun set so right and perfectly to feel this kind of cold air. imagining how was your birth day, thinking who surprised you, greeted you, made your day extra special. wishing i was there with you.

Whenever i hear it my world shuts down

Only to think of you

The sudden what could have beens