鐵門螞蟻

ah shit no yeah, i definetely do still 😮‍💨😮‍💨

possessive and dont wanna share, pretend im fine with it, want to invite you to wild places, but i know we cant actually run off into fields

its like, your damn curls and jewelry or soemthing, them bright eyes, and joyful playful smile, your kindness and ... *gestures hands* you know

maybe we are both a lil bit sad that it isnt, it cant be what we wish it to be. at least whenever it was raised it appeared to be so. 🙂‍↕️

7.31

a little dust got in my eye

felt humiliated, i did it to myself automatically

i used to kinda really love you, i dont know why

i am doing really well actually

three years have really given me wisdom and strength

i guess i just didnt think youd replace me

i guess it just took me forever to understand you dont need me like that

i was so happy this weekend, looking into the eyes of someone new, someone with a calm and warm gaze

i know it isnt anything till she makes a move

im gonna do my thing until that happens, with her, with someone i likebut it was that evening of glowing happiness that made me listen to my old addictions, to old love songs, and i remembered, i really like this

i am really romantic

i didnt have anyone to do it with

kinda found some other things to do, some other new ways to be

but you know, i really like that feeling of ... that feeling of quiet warm admiration

a little sad and alone among people. i fear the world i long for doesnt exist, and i dont know how to create it, except to be myself fully and authentically

but in the meantime, my heart hurts

the important things, the ugly truth, the heavy chains, the yearning for freedom and being able to breathe gratitude and express deep love and joy --- wont you come back to me, in another form?

cant i start somewhere anew? it seems nowhere is safe or welcoming. it seems so difficult to break this.

familiar faces, overeactions, external discomfort from internal struggle, transgressive ego, insecure domineering, avoidant coldness, all for what?