A Peek Into The Mind Of A Ginger

having one of those thc fueled musings over the rocky mountains and just the west in general. the crazy thing now is that i live here, and have for a little over a month. Fort Collins is the new spot and it seems pretty dope, although admittedly the extent of what i really know about the town includes horsetooth reservoir, a couple dispensaries, king soopers (that's what kroger is called out here haha i don't get it), and obviously my condo. notice i said condo, not apartment. hah, yeah so ended up choosing a place in a more residential part of town largely because of its recent renovation and new appliances. i ended up finding out that these updates were made due to a messy eviction situation with the former tenants, who were evicted for cooking meth.

Anyways life is actually pretty good, i start a new job with sprint next week (seems like a temporary lil big boy gig). i've been keeping my place super clean and i feel like the fact that everything is new and pristine makes me want to keep it that way.

im not sure what it is about the whiskey but i think it has something to do with the shivers no longer am i unsure that the glass isn’t half empty  here we are again, plagued with an unrelenting quiver 

it seems as though i’ve found nothing new life has continued on, but forever i will wonder is there anything that i can really do? except absorb my dopamine in a savage plunder

you spend an hour rambling to your roommate about pivotal life moments, your core personality, and whether or not you are fundamentally a good or bad person -- after she asks you how your day was. i guess i should really pay more attention to those refill warnings for my antidepressants. whoops. its so strange though, on the one hand i feel like i feel things on a deeper level when the shit gets out of my system, but on the other -- especially with winter steadily approaching -- i don’t want to risk falling back “into the void”. i want to make a little collection of poems about the void, but its hard for me to even define what the void is. maybe its that period right before you fall asleep when everything goes quiet. maybe its when narcotics swirl around in your brain and make you numb (do i need to worry about a potential employer ever reading this? i hope not, because i don’t do drugs n stuff, you can test me!!) (is marijuana still a drug?). its definitely not right when you wake up from a dream and are greeted with the harsh sunlight and a dry throat. but i have a bit of an obsession over this void, its something that i yearn for at times. its comfortable. but its also uncertain, will you slide into a pleasant memory or dream? or will you be thrown into a traumatic experience or nightmare? you never know.

so, its 16 nov 2016 and donald trump is now our president elect...(just had to go outside and smoke a cig after thinking about that...american spirit full flavor menthol. not my favorite but had a $3 for a pack coupon so why not). i’m almost done with my second to last semester of college. thanks to my turrible advisor i’ve now found out that i need 22 credit hours next semester to graduate on time, which will be a lot of hard work. I’ll have to get on some sort of focus drug to make that one happen successfully i think, my doc always tried to tell my mom i had add or adhd or something like that so we shall see what she thinks i suppose. the plan is now to get the degree and move out to colorado. it makes the most logical sense, i’ve spent so much time there throughout my life. hell, i was baptized in Denver. my cousin is allegedly getting an apartment about the time i want to move out so ill move in with him. he’s been getting pretty good at making some edm musacks so im really looking forward to making some tunes with him. i’ll probably just be getting a boring day job to pay the bills to start out, while looking into interning for a live sound company/venue. I definitely have hope that i can get into the live industry. the plan is to 100% be at least moved out by mid august so that i can attend burning man!!!!!! its been something I’ve wanted to attend for at least the past two burns, so fingers crossed that everything will work out in that regard. i think its something i really will benefit from. i watched my dads body burn, and i feel like spreading some ash out in the desert will be really helpful (not to mention watching things burn throughout the week). fun fact we put some of my dads ashes in a volcano in hawaii. 

brb gotta watch my roommates presentation she has to give tomorrow (only fair since i rambled so long)

well, she was presenting about her study abroad over the summer to malaysia. i definitely knew nothing about malaysia and i feel like i learned a lot. shes a talker tho, went 19 minutes on a 15 minute budget. (heh me calling someone a talker).

anyway, apparently for a sort of graduation present / family excursion we might be going to australia. i am excited beyond words at that prospect and sort of feel like i should be checking my privilege right now. not only is australia at the top of my list of places to go, my dream girl has an aussie accent. i’ve also been a kangaroo the past two halloweens and have a pretty good australian accent (probably not) so i want to see how well i can blend in. 

covered in cuts and covered in bruises no longer having such pleasant musings my ear is caked in blood

i can no longer see thanks to the black it’s time to move on and find a new way back not to end up like kerouac

my liver is made of steel but didn’t i steal?

my body hurts, im always falling down i really should get a grip, despite this town as long as i don’t let myself get unwound

i made a big mistake and went back and looked at some really old tweets and now it reminds me of that innocence i had. i always thought there was the furthest thing from a chance in hell that i would look back on my years at indian hill with fondness, but oh god does the nostalgia hit me now. its not that i wish i could go back there, i don't, but there was something about me back then. and i really think it was hope. 

I'm on antidepressants now and i guess in general i could say I'm contented with the way things are; i’m back in school, i have a nice apartment, i have food,  i have friends. but i feel like i got stuck somewhere hard between 2014 and 2016. like i stopped growing. i stopped experiencing new things. 

i dunno, i guess i feel cheated. obviously theres no way to know how things might have panned out differently, but i think that if things hadn’t have had to happen that october, like maybe if he had gotten better, maybe i would be in a better place. that blissful ignorance i had made things so much easier, i didn’t worry about the future because there was so much that i was enjoying in the present. maybe i was enjoying to excess. maybe i was enjoying myself with mundane pleasures and not really experiencing my “full potential”.

I'm trying to make sure my sister doesn’t make these mistakes now that she's become a little athenian. she won’t though, she's got way to good of a head on her shoulders to make half the mistakes i have. but i still worry and i don’t know, we don’t talk about it, but i feel like theres a slight vacancy in her that resembles mine. life fucks you up, i guess it’ll happen to you no matter what but i still feel like that was just something that you can’t throw on people our age and expect things to remain the same. i think she still has the hope though. her little LA picture in her dorm room is perhaps one of the biggest things to give me optimism. I'm dumb and have to retake a class so i get to be in class with her which is pretty cool, definitely one of the closest experiences we’ll have while both attending OU.

its not to say that i’ve given up. i do want to be involved in live sound and i totally think that it’ll happen if i make it happen. i’m trying to be more wary of idleness this year (as i sit procrastinating here ;) and i’m working out again. i’m finding new music. im trying to get my shit together and actually make music. 

i’ve probably said this somewhere before but its so goddamed well put when kurt whines “i think i’m dull”, because i do feel dull. i feel hollow. but i don’t at the same time, i dunno maybe its one of the paradoxes we got ourselves into through droogs. 

~is it the reflection of the mirror that fills me up with fear or is it the path ahead that makes me wish for a moment to be dead

not gone, but a glimpse to the other side to find out if life will be worth the ride really i don’t want to be dramatic or rash i’d just like to figure it out beyond the implied obsession of cash