kowfi

But what you do remember was your dad leaving and your mom becoming sad, bitter and angry. And then she began to hit you, harsher than the times she told you off when you made mistakes. Since then, no matter how much you tried to appease her, everything you did was a mistake. And with every mistake, a consequence follows. She told you it’s because she loves you, she wants you to become a good person and for that to happen, she needs to discipline you. And that she did day after day, years after years, until you learned how to be sly enough to convince her not to do so sometimes. But you aren’t always so lucky, it’s just that you are sometimes and you like to make sure to be one. And so you became compliant and quiet, because that way, the monster that holds your mother’s heart captive won’t awaken and find a reason to hurt you. 

So you like to keep your peace. You only mind your business and stay quiet. Only keep a few close friends and aim to achieve the average, no failing grades but just enough to pass your subjects. A wallflower, a person who’s there but purposely avoids the limelight. For the most part, no one paid you any mind. You’re the person in everyone’s periphery, no one significant. 

But when you reside within Yeongdeungpo and go to school in Ganghak, you should’ve known peace wasn’t an option you could keep. Or maybe you weren’t just meant to live a peaceful life outside of home now that during the class seating rearrangement, your lucky hands picked the paper that contained the number of the seat next to Geum Seongje. That was when you learned how funny envy can be and how quick it can turn things around with a snap of a finger. But you’ve known it for years, it’s just that now you realize that this is what happened to your mother, and you could only laugh that the same thing came back years later to bite you in the ass.

And now you found yourself outside, beads of sweat slid down the side of your face with the sun high up in the sky. Gone was the comfort of the cold breeze of the AC now that Jiyeon and her minions dragged you out of school grounds, in an alleyway just beside the school premises. It has been two weeks since the seat changes. You and Seongje don’t even interact, much less see each other. The guy doesn’t even go to school much, only three times since you became his seatmate. 

You were apprehensive at first, but upon seating next to him, you both kept to yourselves. It wasn’t like you gave him any reason to bat an eye on your business. You kept a respectful distance, not even letting your eyes land on the boy, what with the ever so famous three second rule you’ve heard about. You kept quiet and did not disturb the guy in any way at all. You just wanted to live your life and survive. 

But keeping quiet wasn’t enough. Geum Seongje, despite his notorious reputation, still had girls fawning over his feet. He’s handsome, and has a disturbingly sweet smile that contradicts his violent nature. It was exactly that handsome face that drove the girls in your class insane at the fact that you, a nobody, gets to sit beside him, albeit rarely with him absent most of the time. Still, it was enough for envy to boil hot in the guts of the girls in your class. Who are you to be deserving of such a place? A place you would willingly give if they just ask. But of course, violence and evil runs deep in the roots of everyone’s feet. It is in the nature of humans to resolve into violence the second they find a reason to perform such action, no matter how unreasonable it may be.

Your quiet outside life turned to slaps, humiliation, degradation, and violence, no longer different to the tense one you have at home. All of this just because you happened to sit next to their hopeless obsession. Oh how much it made your stomach sick to be quiet. To act exactly like at home now that you can’t live as carefree outside now that you’ve become their target. With each passing day, your head went to a mantra. Just a few more and it will be over soon, they’ll get bored. Just a few more and it will be over soon, they’ll get bored. Just a few more and it will be over soon, they’ll get bored. 

But it didn’t end. And your sanity was at its wits end. No matter where you went, there was someone waiting to hurt you. But what were you to do? What could you fucking do? In your mother’s case, you love her too much to fight back. But Jiyeon and her minions? They are a lot and you were only one. Your friends took their distance, too afraid to be caught on the net of Jiyeon’s wrath. And suddenly, you found yourself all alone but surrounded at the same time. Fear turns to sadness turns to frustration and turns to anger. What are you going to do?

Seongje took a puff of his smoke, arm perched upon the railing of the rooftop, hand covered with the blood of the boy who lay squirming on the ground. He heard Hwangmo drag the boy further away from him, cleaning up after his mess. The boy had been a transferee that was stupid enough to look at him for more than three seconds. Bloodthirsty and draggingly bored, it was only fitting that Seongje had to teach him a lesson. But it was uneventful as the boy did not give a fight. And Seongje hates boring things the most. So when his eyes landed on the scene below him, at the alleyway Jiyeon and her friends dragged you to, a chuckle leaves his mouth, the cigarette vibrating along his chapped lips. With another puff, Seongje turned his full attention to the scene unfolding below. It was amusing to him, how every girl he happened to sit next to in class fell victim to bullying just because of him. He liked it, his pride and ego filled.

He watched as the girls surrounded you, Jiyeon pushing you to the ground. Everyday she torments you to no end. Follows you home, follows you to the bathroom, follows you everywhere. It was like she’s obsessed with you, obsessed to hurt you just because Seongje does not give her the time of day.

Then Jiyeon straddles you, gripping a chunk of your hair.

A match enflames.

“Who the fuck do you think you are glaring at me like that, HUH?” Jiyeon screams in your face. You must have unconsciously let your eyes look at her dangerously. You realized it was weird, right now you didn’t feel fear. And what you do feel is a small burning fire churning in your stomach. 

Is this rage?

Jiyeon pulls your head upwards by your hair and slaps your cheek, spitting on your eyes.

The fire engulfs the match.

Suddenly, the heat was replaced by a stream of cold water, drenching your upper body as Jiyeon splashed the dirty water from the bathroom and onto your face. By this point, you aren‘t hearing what they were talking about, they were just a buzz of noise as your eyes filled with red with Jiyeon so close to your face.

The fire rages high and into your eyes, and in every cell of your body.

With all your strength, you thrust Jiyeon upwards, flipping your positions so that she is facing down with your legs wrapped around her head. Using their shock to your advantage, you swung your fist into her face, her nose making an audible crack as she cried in pain “yOU FUCK-“ You took the handkerchief in your pocket and slammed and pushed it into her mouth.

You stood up, turning around to face the other four girls. They stumble backwards at your glare, your eyes that refused to meet others now seemingly burn under the darkened glare as your eyes zeroed in on one of them, running and using that momentum to kick her in the stomach, making her fall and stumble backwards.

This seemed to awaken the others from their stupor as they began to gang up on you. Grabbing your arms and hair to stop you as you began to mount on the girl you had just kicked. Their collective strength pulled you up from the girl on the ground, your legs flailing in retaliation.

Fueled by adrenaline rush, you managed to get away from their grip, immediately giving a punch on the gut of the nearest girl. The velocity to which your fist came made her curl and fall to the ground.

With three down, your eyes locked on the next girl, running to her as she began to stumble out of your way, fear flashing her eyes at your sudden violence. You used your whole body to push her on the ground, making you both fall. You felt the other girl join in, trying to push you off her friend, kicking and punching your back. But you persistently locked the girl under you on the ground, not caring of the fist hitting your sides as you clutched her hair with both hands and slamming it up and down to the hard ground as the rage in your stomach continue to burn and rage, your mind losing itself into the fight, your goal only to hurt everyone in sight.

With last two slams of the girl’s head to the ground, you let out a pained angered roar as you transferred your attention to the girl who helplessly tried to pry you off her friend. The change in attention caused her to fall to her side when you turned around to grip her leg. She kicked her leg, screaming for you to let go but the rage, the adrenaline, and the desire for revenge made your grip tight like a cobra, unwilling to relent until you get what you desire.

As the girl tried to crawl away from you, you reached forward so that you could trap her legs into your arms, using your upper body weight to keep her in place as you punched and punched her leg, not stopping until her leg stopped flailing. Whimpers and cries filled your ears, but your eyes still raged fire.

Satisfied that the four minions are done, you stood up, dangerously walking towards Jiyeon who had now sat up, looking up at you in horror “I-Im s-s-sorry” she says, putting her hand up as a shield as you continue walking towards her “Fuck! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!” She screams. This makes you chuckle, grabbing a fist of her hair, slapping her face again and again, but no matter how much you slap her, the insatiable feeling never left. Unsatisfied, your hand curled into a fist, and with every rage in your body, your fists met her throat, making her let out a strangled cough. Before you could throw another punch, you felt a solid metal collide with your side, sending you flying. 

You felt a lump in your throat, coughing up blood at the sudden critical hit “You fucking bitch! How dare you fucking hurt Jiyeon like that, huh?!” It was Ma Seokhee, stalking towards you and landing a kick on your stomach. 

His kicks leaves you coughing more blood, but despite of crying, Seokhee grew unsettled when you began to laugh maniacally “Jiyeon won’t fucking date you, you turd”

This enrages Seokhee, using this distraction, you didn’t give him time to react as you kicked his leg with all your strength, making him fall to the ground. Swiftly, you grabbed his bat, wasting no time to bash it into his head. Have you not done so, you wouldn’t stand a chance. You give three more hits using his bat, stopping once he’s knocked out. 

Then you turned to Jiyeon, a hollowness circling your orbs that made Jiyeon shiver “We’re not done yet”

She cried in horror, standing up to run away when I began to stalk towards her. But your adrenaline was faster. You used the momentum of running, raising the bat high, jumping and hitting Jiyeon in the back, sending her flying as if she was the ball.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

The fire dies down, the match blackened and spent.

Someone whistles “I was so sure you were gonna bash her head” Seongje chuckles. You turned sharply at the sound of his voice, your breath ragged. Your blood turns ice cold at his gaze. The adrenaline has washed off, there was no way you would win against him. Your eyes fell to the ground as quickly as it met his. This caused Seongje to scoff slightly, taking a long drag of his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and crushing it with his feet “What, don’t wanna fight me?” he mocks.

Seongje takes his time, his feet slow and his eyes piercing you with an amused, curious glare. His feet stopped right in front of you. You felt him bend down to your ears, whispering “What will you do now? Tsk-” he leaned away, head beckoning to Seokhee who remained unconscious on the ground “No matter how retarted he can be-” Seongje sighs, head shaking slightly as his gaze fell back on you “this asshole is still part of the union” 

Your eye twitched, warm tingling dread crept up your nerves, engulfing every limb, every organ, and every cell, gradually building up in every crevice of your being. Then he chuckles, his voice so loud and ringing in your ear “You know what I'm talking about, right?” he says rather than asks, a finger harshly pulls your head up, holds it firmly to meet your gaze. And the dread in your stomach morphs into reality “I’m sorry-” though he does not mean it, not when his eyes burn predatorily as if his gaze can devour you entirely “-but we can’t just let you go now that you’ve hit one of us, can we?”

———

With your luck, you often question why you have to live that kind of life when everyone else has it normal. You just wanted normal, that’s all it was. But your life was worse than extraordinary, it was dreadful. You commend yourself for not killing yourself yet.

Since that day, Geum Seongje made it clear that you are within his turf now. He has ordered you to be around him, saying that he needs to keep an eye on you. But you both knew that was an excuse, you think he’s just interested that you managed to take six people down, one of them being his own men. You weren’t particularly strong, it was just the adrenaline and the pent up anger. Students in Ganghak found out about what happened, intrigued but stayed away now that Seongje “adopted” you in his little gang of minions.

Hwangmo was at least tolerable, but Seokhee wasn’t too keen with your presence, holding a grudge he swore he will someday make you pay for. Although that couldn’t be anytime soon now that Seongje made it clear to him that he must not lay a hand on you. It was jarring, how Seongje can be so malicious but he hasn’t laid a hand on you yet, waiting for the right time to bare his fangs into his prey like the wolf he is.

You swore he would jump at the chance to hit you, but he hasn’t yet. And you will make sure he won’t find a reason to. It was already unlucky that you managed to capture his gaze, you just need to be compliant just like you do with your mother. Seongje is a whole other strength that you wouldn’t be able to manage, all you could do for now is to be quiet. Maybe he’ll grow bored of you that way.

However, you shouldn’t have been so sure it would go as smoothly as you manage your mother’s anger. Seongje is a schemer. And with that, he will make you do what he wants you to do, directly or indirectly. He makes sure of it. 

“Y/N” he says quietly, arms crossed as his eyes remain on the teacher. It was one of the rare occasions he decided to come to class “I want you to drop by this address after school and get a package, bring it to me immediately. Just give this to the cashier and they’ll give you what I need. I will be waiting at the rooftop” Seongje slides a small paper across from his desk to mine, an address written messily. You nod wordlessly, worried that you might get home late to your mother and risk her wrath while also a bit glad to not go home yet. Either way, it’s bad, so you’ll just follow Seongje’s order.

As instructed, your feet dragged you along to the bus stop, hopped on the bus, and got off three stations later. Tired, you hadn’t noticed the watchful eyes of two boys who were waiting by the bus stop. You continued along your path to the address Seongje has asked you to go to, unaware of the two who hovered over your shadow, hiding behind posts, eyeing where you would go. They kept their distance, as ordered.

Finally, you reached the building. It was a sauna spa. Entering, you reached the counter, handing the cashier the paper Seongje had given you. With a curt nod, the cashier bent down and got up not less than a minute later with a bag in his hand. He placed it on the counter, eyeing you up and down “It’s just you?” he asked, eyebrow raised.

“Just me” he looked at you skeptically but handed the bag anyway. It was heavy, a hunch on what it contained plagued your mind, but you ignored it. You don't need to know more details, just do what you have to do. With a small nod, you bid farewell and exited the spa shortly. It hadn’t been five minutes since you arrived. You couldn’t help but wonder if this is really just as simple as that.

The sun had begun to set and the quiet road was painted orange. The air starts to become cold with the sun beginning to hide away into the night. Suddenly, you heard a foot scrunch behind you. For a moment, your footsteps blundered to a pause, but almost as quickly, you resumed your pace. One step after another, the shadow behind you grew larger. Your steps hurried but the person behind you was quicker. Just as you were about to run, your feet abruptly halt at his voice “You’ve been way too boring, you know?”

With a sharp turn, you came face to face with Geum Seongje. He has his hands in his pockets, glasses perched up on his nose and his eyes sizing you up dangerously “Seongje?” you asked, confused at his presence. He chuckles, slowly walking towards you “I was thinking you could amuse me but you’ve been way too compliant-” he says, head tilting in disappointment “-its actually getting quite annoying” he tsk-ed, feet stopping at least two feet away from you, hands still in his pockets. His face contorted to that of annoyance, and suddenly, your confusion turned to fear. Why is he here?

“What are you talking about?” you ask, although your eyes do not meet his. You can’t, especially now that he radiates an intent to kill. Anxious, your hand gripped the bag tightly. Seongje sighs heavily, eyes looking around for any sign of an audience. Satisfied that you’re alone, he suddenly grabbed your arm “No hard feelings, just orders from above” his lips morphed into a grin, his smile reaching up to his ears. His smile was so sweet with his gums on display, but you could only feel horror at its sight. He dragged you along a closed alleyway, wincing at his hard, pressing grip “What?!” you couldn’t help but ask, trying to get away but his hold was too strong. It was like his hands were cuffs, unwilling and unrelenting.

When Seongje did let you go, it was when he smashed you onto the hard wall, the impact momentarily stealing the breath out of your lungs. Letting go of the bag, your hand gripped the wall for support, looking up at Seongje in apprehension “What was that for?” Still, he didn’t answer your question. The boy only gave you his shit-eating grin before hurriedly pouncing on you, his fists landing on your right cheek. You let out a pained gasp, your mind running miles per hour. Did you offend him? Disobey him? Did you look at him for more than three seconds? You were sure you didn’t. You meticulously made sure he would not find any reason to hurt you. So why…?

“Shit, I don’t usually hurt girls but you have to understand, Baekjin asked me to” he says as if he was sorry, but the chuckles that followed after that solidified that he was not. Na Baekjin? But why would he?

Before you could think, Seongje grabs a chunk of your hair and drags you again. But this time, he drags to the ground, pinning your arms down with only one of his, his other hand slamming into a hard punch to your stomach “Fight back, you fucking bitch. Fight back like you did, come on, I’m trying here!” he complains as he boredly throws punch after punch, warmth beginning to pool in your mouth at his relentlessness.

Triggered, the bottom of your feet meets his crotch in a hard kick. Seongje curls in pain, but he laughs. Annoyed, you slammed your forehead into his, making both of you groan in pain, Seongje backing away now that he was just hit critically twice. He laughs merrily, hand brushing his hair away from his face as I eyed him incredulously “What the fuck is wrong with you?” you couldn’t help but spit, making him even more amused. Your head still wringing from the impact of meeting his. You stumbly got on your feet, eyes never leaving Seongje. At this point, three seconds or not, it wouldn’t matter. He made it clear he wants to hurt you. So why should you comply, it’s not like he’s your mother. You held no affection for this boy, only anger.

He moans, tongue wetting his upper lips in anticipation “Yes, fuck–COME ON!” he yells, running towards you, hand curling into a fist as he goes to hit your sides. You yell in pain, arms curling around his trunks, letting him hit you as you ensured you clung on to him, using your nails to dig into his sides as you pushed yourself up to his neck, mouth finding his skin as you sunk your teeth into his flesh. Seongje lets out a pained scream, but his voice is still laced with a giddiness you couldn't understand. Your nails turned to fists as you hit his sides with all your might. You feel Seongje laugh at your futile attempts, successfully prying you off of him, throwing you back to the wall, putting some distance.

His hand found his neck, brushing it on his skin lightly and bringing his hand up to examine the blood “Damn” he says, laughing as he looked at you. Your eyes fell onto the bite mark you made on his neck, gulping as you began to realize the taste of his blood on your mouth. As he began to stalk towards you again, you got ready, expecting him to throw another punch but as you were about to hit his neck where you wounded him, his hands found yours, locking your arm with only one of his, feet locking yours as he pushed the both of you onto the wall, trapping you in his strength. You cried a pain of frustration, mouth grunting in pain when he threw a fast hard punch on your stomach then to your cheek. With you locked up, back pressed against the wall and Seongje trapping you in front with a strength you know you can’t fight against, there was nothing you could do “That all you can do?” he asks, face shoving itself in yours, forcing your eyes to meet his orbs. You chuckle, blood trickling down your mouth at the action “The fuck did you expect me to do? Beat you to a pulp?” you laugh, and this causes him to laugh too. The difference in strength was clear as day.

Seongje nods, throwing one last punch to your stomach that causes you to cough up blood. But he does not let you go, he still presses you onto the wall, hand brushing your locks behind your ear and whispers “I still have to knock you out though” and so Seongje wraps his hand around your neck, making you gasp for air. Your body helplessly flails, eyes glaring at the boy who is no longer smiling. Suddenly, you laugh, body vibrating “I-” you say, blood pooling in your mouth making it harder to speak, your hands finding his to pry it off your neck “Mom-” you choke, his eyebrows raising “What? Need your mom to save you?” 

That made you chuckle, but it seems that was one of the last few breaths you had in you. Your head began to feel lightheaded, the pain on your neck still as pressing and hard, your eyes was beginning to roll upwards when-

“Geum Seongje” Na Baekjin stands against the glow of the sunset, his face hidden in the contrast of light. He motions for Seongje to let go and instantly, his hands left your neck and backed away. You fall to the ground, gasping for air, coughing as you do so. 

Baekjin steps into the alleyway, grabbing the bag on the floor, and stopping a few feet away from Seongje. Baekjin examines him, eyebrows raised to see him bloodied when his opponent was just you “Why are you here? It’s not like you to go do the dirty job yourself” Seongje remarks, making Baekjin chuckle darkly.

“It’s just that-” Baekjin’s lips curled into a smirk as he sized up Seongje “-don’t you think it’s a bit too convenient that you were already here?”

Seongje laughs, his teeth and gums on display “Is it? I was the one who told you about this, of course I’d have my eyes on her too” You looked up, eyes darting between the two. What about you?

Baekjin’s eyes didn’t shy away of narrating his suspicions, glaring daggers into Seongje’s mirthful ones “And I told you, I already have my boys to go after her. So why is there a need for you to be here?” Baekjin’s voice held a dangerous growl “If this money had gone, you know what will happen right? Your fault or not”

The two continue to stare each other down. But you, it was then that everything clicked for you. Geum Seongje had fucking set you up.

Before Baekjin could prod further and before Seongje could implement his orchestrated plan, you spoke, not weak, not begging, but sharp “I needed the money”

The two men’s attention turned to you. Slowly, you got up from the ground, eyes hollowed as you looked up to meet their surprised and amused ones “It was easy money. I had always planned to leave, having that money would be incredibly useful” you say, chuckling slightly.

Baekjin’s eyes narrowed. He knows you didn’t, he knows you’ve been set up. But you’ve just rewritten the narrative, a factor Seongje didn’t account for in his plans. It was quiet, the silence heavy and charged. 

The silence was cut off by Seongje’s scoff, and Baekjin turned his gaze back to the boy in red blazers. Baekjin watched as the two of you stared down at each other. But whatever grudge there was between the two of you was not his business. All he knows is that you’ve just helped him mitigate the inevitable, and Baekjin recognizes this quality of yours. With a strained chuckle, Baekjin turns to you, getting your attention. “Is that so?” he nods, blinking slowly “Consider today a warning. Next time you get funny ideas, it’ll be me you’ll be dealing with”

With that, he turned and walked away.Then it’s just you and Seongje again, the air bloodied in tense silence. And when you begin to walk away, Seongje falls in pace beside you, both bloodied and dirtied up from the previous brawl “Why would you say that?” he asks.

“Why use me?” You stop, Seongje doing the same. He chuckles when you don't avert your eyes, it seems like you don’t care anymore. And that, Seongje prefers much more. 

“Was this to amuse you?” You pressed him “Or did you do this for another reason?” Seongje laughs, head looking down, lips pursed amusedly before looking back up to you “Do you want me to thank you?”

You scoff “No”

“Yeah?”

You stare at him, at his pretty smile and his condescending eyes “Wanna know what I think?” he raises his eyebrows at that, smiling “And what do you think?” his voice drawls into a smirk.

With a deep breath, you began “I think you want to run away. I think you don’t like being ordered around. I think you really hate being Baekjin’s dog because I think you want to do whatever you feel you want to do. But you can’t do shit as recklessly when you’re in the union. No, and so you want to anger Baekjin, you want to get excommunicated, you want out. But you’re also bored, but then I came along and your fucking pee brain thought I would be an easy chess piece in your own little game” Seongje’s smile widens, grinning dangerously as his eyes twinkled the more you talked. You who was meek and quiet, who kept to yourself, one day physically fought back and now even shit talks to him of all people, the person whose eyes you refused to meet, the person you were afraid of just minutes ago, the person you’re now insulting in front of his own damn face.

“You think you got me figured out?” He asks, voice laced in amusement and you scoff “Figure you out? Why the fuck would I want to do that you crazy psycho”

He bellows a laugh, looking around as if there were someone else seeing this right now “Mhm, and what? Did you think you did anything?”

“You think I didn’t?” you ask, lips curled into a condescending smirk “Yah, Geum Seongje, I lied to trap you here” His grin disappears, eyes dangerous as he stares back at you “You dragged me into this shit, so rot in it with me”

Then he laughs, much louder than the last, the loudest you’ve heard come out from him. What a waste of a handsome face, you thought as you watched him maniacally laugh “I have to say,” he starts, laugh beginning to die down as he gaze at you “I’m impressed” he chuckles, walking closer to you “You’ve become so blunt and unafraid” he curls a loose strand of your hair in his finger, making you flinch, to which he snorted “Or not?”

With a smirk, Seongje pushes your hair to the back of your neck, his calloused hands curling on your left cheek “I prefer this much better, you’re not so boring after all” he grins open mouthed, his tongue poking the side of his cheek, his thumb tracing along your jaw as he trapped your gaze in his eyes.

And now, as the night descends upon your heads in hues of violet and pink, the reality sinks in that you’re nothing but just a faint light existing within his radiant dream. Outshined over by everything, you were just an obstruction hindering him to get closer to his dream.

It wasn’t that you weren't important. It was just that compared to volleyball, you were just second best to his heart. Always the second priority but you can’t even find it within yourself to hate him for it. Because you love Oikawa Tooru. And you understand him more than anyone. You understand his dream and you want nothing else but for him to achieve it.

And you know he loves you just as much enough to tell you he won’t go. And your heart, as much as it was happy that he chose you, you felt a pang because you knew, this wasn’t the right thing to do.

You hold him, taking his hands and bringing them up to your lips, giving them a gentle kiss. You hid your pouring heart, halting the tears for later as you stared at the whirlpool of his light brown eyes. Memories you shared with him flashed in your eyes, a smile painting your face as you gazed at him fondly.

You think back to the playdates your families arranged. You realize, Oikawa has always been a part of your life. He had been there for as long as you remember. A default in your life, a constant presence akin to a family. You’ve always thought that he will always be a part of your life as he had always been since you were kids. In your mind, he was forever.

You don’t remember when you fell in love with him. It was just that one day you woke up and knew he was the one for you. You always denied it though. Because he is your best friend. And most of all, as you like to argue, he is the Oikawa Tooru. As much as he is a great friend, you’ve seen him with girls. And you’ve concluded that he wasn’t your type. Especially with that arrogance and pride of his. And so when you found yourself in love with him, you wanted to cave and bury yourself 6 feet underground.

You blamed the constant taunts from others regarding your friendship with him. Being childhood friends and all, almost every person you’ve encountered has teased you with him. Friends, family, teachers, classmates, etc. You thought it was just peer pressure. Fleeting like every guy you’ve liked. But that one night, school was over and you stayed with him in the gym when he refused to leave, determined and focused on his game. You realized you’ve judged him out of spite of your new found feelings. You wanted to push them away but as you watched him, you accepted your feelings with a quiver of your lips.

Nothing changed, or so you thought. You never acted on your feelings but instead chose to silently love him in secret. It wasn’t a risk you wanted to take in fear of destroying the relationship you’ve built with him over the years. And maybe, you will never ever make a move if he hadn’t done it himself.

It was during the cultural festival of your second year of high school when Oikawa Tooru went out of his way to confess his love for you. It had been unexpected, but the grandeur of it wasn’t. Everything just spoke volumes of Oikawa as a person. And who were you to refuse him when you are also completely in love with him.

And so at seventeen, you and Oikawa spent the remaining years of highschool making the best memories that are to be treasured for as long as you remain on this earth. But even then towards the end of everything, you knew at some point, it would have to end.

Because if it didn’t, Oikawa would never move forward. And the thought alone that he loves you this much was enough comfort for you to do what you had to do.

And as you stand there under the moonlight at six o’clock in the evening of a summer night, the wind a subtle presence as your foreheads touched one last time, taking in the moment to bask in each other, you gave a kiss on Oikawa’s lips. A declaration of your love and a silent goodbye as you let him go towards his ultimate love.

The moment was gone as fast as it happened, you hadn’t even realized the next morning that while you were asleep, Oikawa had gone towards Argentina. You had accepted it, you knew you had. But the pain that he was no longer yours and you couldn’t even see him was excruciatingly impossible to heal. But all you could do was silently support him. To go on with your life just as he had. Because in the end, even though you both still loved each other and possibly for as long as you live, this was for the best. For him to achieve his dream and for you to move forwards towards your own. 

Even if it hurts now, eventually it won’t. Eventually, everything would be okay again and both you and Oikawa would finally be happy towards your own paths. Because even if you love each other, yourself will always have to come first. And so everything will be okay.

Hopefully

You and Oikawa are next-door neighbors and Iwaizumi lives just right around the corner by the end of the street. For everyday that passed by, you three were always joined at the hips. You can’t even remember a time in your childhood that you weren’t with either of the two. Or maybe it was because it was so long ago that you don’t remember everything now that you’re a bit older.

But a distinct memory of Oikawa forcing both you and Iwaizumi’s pinkies to his as he shouted in promise “Someday, we’ll make it all to nationals!” Nationals. What a fancy word for such young dreamers.

But hence, when you reached the age of kindergarten, your parents made it a mission and a promise to always, always enroll the three of you in the same school. They thought your friendship was cute and special. Even everyone in the neighborhood found your little group endearing. They could never imagine one without the other two or either of the bunch. You would always be three and that would never change. At least that was the ideal reality that everyone imagined for you three.

Though that ideal friendship remained true for years and years. But in your final year of middle school, that was when everything shifted its course.

It was when Oikawa and you were alone in between the two gyms that separated the boy’s volleyball team and the girl’s volleyball team. You were a setter, a genius setter. And during that time, you didn’t know the animosity Oikawa held towards genius volleyball players. So when he told you “You’re a really great setter” And with the small smile accompanied by those fluttering words, a great wave of pride swelled in your chest to hear such a comment from such a great setter, a tinge of pink painted across your cheeks.

You let out a small shy “Thank you” Your eyes stuck on the ground with your hair hiding your reddening cheeks. You didn’t notice the slight quirk in the corners of his smile. Too busy with your head in the clouds, you failed to notice the envy that flashed through his dark chocolate-brown eyes.

While you were busy pining over your new realized feelings, Oikawa was also busy over his conflicting feelings for you. You were his friend, his best friend along with Iwaizumi. So why does he harbor so much jealousy towards you? It was him who got you into volleyball in the first place. It was him who dragged you out of bed every morning for as long as he could remember just to play volleyball. But seeing you do so much better than him, even when he would never face you on the court, he couldn’t help but feel insecure in your presence.

He thinks he could do more, be better and surpass every living genius in the world of volleyball. He wants to be the best. He needs to be much much better. And with the green-eyed monster controlling his need to be the best, without knowing it, he held a resentment against you.

And you, none the wiser of your friend’s bitterness towards you, you found more reasons to be around Oikawa more. More than you already do. Which to be honest did not help calm the growing storm Oikawa harbors in his heart. You always just seem to be everywhere and seeing you always reminds him of what he’s lacking. Feelings of guilt, envy and your sudden overwhelming presence is what drove him to finally snap. To finally pull the trigger and kill whatever’s left of his fondness towards you.

Iwaizumi had told you that Oikawa has been pushing himself much more than normal. Oikawa has been losing his cool and Iwaizumi has explained the pressure, the constant need to be better and the inferiority Oikawa feels towards players like Kageyama and Ushijima. But neither you nor Iwaizumi knew you were one of those Oikawa felt inferior to.

So one late afternoon, the sun has set and the sky is minutes away from dark. Hours after classes were dismissed and the rest of the players had been sent home, you entered the boy’s volleyball gym alongside Iwaizumi to see that Oikawa is still hell-bent on practicing.

You frowned. You could see how exhausted he was but still, he stood on his two feet, determined. Before you could even call out his name, Kageyama caught your attention as he made his way to his senior “Oikawa-san, please teach me how to serve”

As if something inside him snapped in half, Oikawa’s hand flew towards Kageyama only for Iwaizumi to catch his arm in time “Get a grip you moron!” Stunned silence echoed through the gym, only heavy breaths and wide eyes spoke volumes of what just happened. “I’m sorry” Oikawa relaxed and Iwaizumi let him go. But his eyes, he was just as shocked with his actions as much as everyone was.

“Kageyma, I’m sorry but we’re done for the day” Iwaizumi’s spoke and with that, Kageyama walked away, eyeing Oikawa warily as he passed him by.

“Tooru?” Your voice caught his attention. You being there sent him in overload and before he could stop himself, before Iwaizumi had the chance to stop the words that flew out of Oikawa’s mouth, he snapped once again. But this time, there was no stopping it.

“You!” He bellowed, you flinched “I hate you! I hate you and your presence and everything that is you!”

“Huh?” “Wha-? OI!”

“-Why are you always everywhere? Why do you have to be a part of my life? You’re always in my eyes! You’re always there and I am sick of it!” Oikawa huffed, tears brimming on his eyes. You’re already crying.

“You like me don’t you?” 

He knows

“-Well I don’t like it! Stay away from me will you! You overwhelm me!”

He knows

You clenched your hand, shaking.

“-WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE A SETTER?!” With a frustrated cry, Oikawa dropped to his knees and suddenly, you realize.

‘He hates me’ You thought. You didn’t even dwell as to why when you ran out the gym. You heard Iwaizumi call out your name but you ignored him and ran. You ran and ran until your lungs forced you to stop, tumbling down to your knees as you sobbed in the empty road under the street light.

You can’t understand for the life of you. Had you been mean to him? Have you done something wrong? Or is it because he knows you like him and he doesn’t feel that way towards you. Maybe you made him uncomfortable. His mother doesn’t really help as she always gushes about how you should be her future daughter-in-law. You had overwhelmed him and now he hates you.

It was only the night before Monday did you remember what he last told you.

“WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE A SETTER?”

‘Ah’ you thought as you realized the roots of his new found resentment towards you.

Oikawa has always been ambitious and successful at whatever he sets his mind into. But he was no genius and his skills were practiced, it did not come naturally. You remembered those times he ranted about Ushijima and how unbelievably strong he is. And Kageyama and how he’s younger yet so much better than he is. And then there’s you.

He had never complained about you. Or at least none that you knew about. You should have realized when people started calling you a genius. You should have noticed the change of his demeanor towards you. How he doesn’t smile genuinely anymore. How you weren’t actually friends anymore. 

You didn’t love volleyball and maybe that’s one of the reasons why he hates you. Or maybe that’s the exact reason why. You don’t even love it yet you’re so good at it. No wonder he was frustrated about you. He’s not just envious about your skills, he’s also frustrated to see you obtain something he wants when you’re only half-hearted into the game. It was a reminder that no matter how hard he pushed himself, there would always be some genius that would trample over his hardened efforts.

You couldn’t believe how fast you could go from liking someone to hating them the next.

You avoided him after that incident. You avoided him like the plague. You still talk to Iwaizumi though but not as much as before. You distanced yourself from them and before you knew it, you had graduated.

Over the summer, that was when people noticed the shift in the dynamic of your friendship. The three became two and you’re now only one. You don’t leave your house, not even when Iwaizumi called out your name for an hour because you knew Oikawa would be there.

Oikawa did not make any effort to reconcile with you and it annoyed you to no end. It was always Iwaizumi acting as the mediator but eventually, even he gave up. It was tiring to force two people to reconcile when neither party wanted anything to do with the other.

It doesn’t mean Oikawa didn’t feel guilty. His guilt was one of the reasons why he exploded and it was also guilt that made him ashamed of facing you. You were a precious friend, a childhood friend, a person who’s known him for so long. A person who knows him better than his family and yet he pushed you away. 

And now you won’t come back.

At the opening ceremony in high school, he waited for you. He thought that he would make peace with you. Apologize once and for all. You were already in high school for god’s sake. You had let the whole summer wash away the broken pieces of your friendship with no way of reconciliation. You had wasted a whole summer and Oikawa’s determined to bring everything back to where it was. Even if it meant to pick up all the pieces of the broken fragments of your strained friendship. He would do so. Because you’re precious to him, more than you nor he could understand.

But you never came. And at once, all that courage and determination in him was also washed away.

You went to Karasuno for high school and swore your soul to the gods that exist that you would never ever step foot into a volleyball court ever again. You had decided to quit on volleyball. Sure, you were a genius at it but you didn’t love it. At least not as much as some people you know. But that promise was also thrown away when Sugawara, a classmate, begged you to be their manager.

He was resolute and you were annoyed. And so you rejected his offer. Though that did not stop him from pestering you, begging you down to his knees which is why you found yourself watching a practice match held in the school’s volleyball gym.

‘They’re weak’ You thought. You didn’t really care as you watched the team pathetically lost. You could not stress enough the difference in power between your school and the away team. It was truly and utterly pitiable.

You had heard about the tale of the once powerhouse that is Karasuno and you wondered what happened. You learned that your school had once managed to make it to the nationals so why is the team so weak now? No coach, no manager, just players.

You were already leaving, indifferent to your school’s volleyball team when your ears perked up on an insult, an insult that sent you to overdrive and before you knew it, you were screaming. You screamed at your school’s team. You screamed a vow, a vow to get them to nationals once again. And so beyond your belief, you were on the court once again. Though this time, you were only at the side.

It was in the Interhigh Tournament did you and Oikawa look at each other once again. His eyes were wide while yours was determined, glaring at him as if challenging him. He knew of your abilities and how well you could use that to coach others. He knew you could use that to examine opponents and use that knowledge against them. You were a genius that way. And so seeing you in the opponent’s team as their manager made him nervous. Just because you were a manager doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be able to help the team technically.

But how can you help a team that doesn’t want your help in the first place? It was only you and your other fellow first years that were bitter when you lost in the first round. Your seniors seemed to accept that your team just wasn’t good enough. And the frustration sent you to silent tears as you questioned your decision of being involved in volleyball again.

And Oikawa, being the ever jackass that he is, used the opportunity to tease you. An excuse to talk to you. And imagine the delight he felt when you gave him the attention. And so started the rivalry you never imagined you would have with him.

You thought that maybe if he hadn’t chosen to tease you that day, you would’ve quit the volleyball club. And maybe if he hadn’t teased you that day, you would have probably never talked again.

Three years passed and it was your last year at high school. With the addition of promising first years, you faced off against Aoba Johsai in the Spring Interhigh Qualifiers. Karasuno won and would face off Shiratorizawa for the finals. You should be glad, ecstatic even. So why are you sad? Why are you mourning for your childhood friends’ loss? Why won’t you look away from the opponent and celebrate with your team?

But how could you when you could see the two special people in your life fight off the tears that threatened to stream down their eyes. And the night after Karasuno beat Shiratorizawa, you thought ‘Nationals’ 

You were the only one who made it to Nationals. And you weren’t even a player.

The thought of that stupid childhood promise left a bitter taste on your mouth.

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The high of the nationals died down once it was over and you and your fellow third years now focus on studying for the finals and upcoming university entrance exams. It was dismissal time and having no volleyball club activities any more, you head straight home, parting ways with Sugawara at the intersection.

You sighed. The sky is orange with hues of pink, purple and blue painting the sky gradient. You had arrived by your house’s gate when you heard the ruckus of voices. Male voices. So you turn and lo and behold, it was Oikawa, Iwaizumi and number 2 and 3 from what you could remember.

They turn to look at you and their ruckus dies down. You turned your back at them, already opening the gate when Iwaizumi called out your name. You turn your focus back at them “Would you mind tutoring us?”

“Please, she’s bad at math” Oikawa commented. You felt a nerve pop out of your neck “You bitch, you suck at everything but volleyball!”

“Excuse me, I’m in class 6-” “Doesn’t matter”

Iwaizumi could only sigh as Matsukawa and Hanamaki watched in amusement. ‘So you’re the famous childhood friend’ they thought.

You and Oikawa stared down at each other, neither backing down. For added effect, you crossed your arms which earned a snort from the setter “Please?” Iwaizumi pleaded. With a sigh, you looked at your friend “Fine. I’ll just tell mom first”

Why did you accept? You didn’t know. But you knew you didn’t mind being around Oikawa now. Though you don’t really trust him, not anymore.

Your mom was surprised to hear you would be going to Oikawa’s house. It’s been years and she could not hide the glee on her face as she practically pushed you out of the house. With a deep breath, you made your way to his house.

The door opened to his mother who, like your mom, albeit a bit more enthusiastic, was ecstatic beyond relief at the sight of you. She asked you continuously without giving you any chance to reply “Did you finally make up? Are you friends again? You’re talking again? How splendid! Why did you stop talking in the first place? I was so sad. I missed you so dearly. It wasn't the same without you”

She kept on beaming and you only replied in awkward chuckles, not wanting to kill her joy and tell her you still very much held a grudge against her son. But fortunately, she left you to the company of the four boys who sprawled all around the couch, bags thrown at the side with the television on in a music channel. A girl group is performing.

“Aren’t you guys supposed to be studying?”

“Shh, Miho-chan is singing” Oikawa held a finger on his lips. You could only grimace at their focus on the girl group. Maybe you should go now.

But before you could even turn around, Iwaizumi had turned off the TV much to the boys’ protests “Fanboy later you horny scumbags”

“You know I’m here, right?” You say and Iwaizumi sent you an apologetic smile.

“You don’t count as a girl anyway so it doesn’t really matter” You felt your heart drop at Oikawa’s comment. You frowned, dropping your books down on the coffee table with a slam. The three boys jumped, startled. They were sitting down on the floor when you did that.

With a huff, you sat down at the end of the table while Matsukawa and Hanamaki sat beside each other and across from them sat Oikawa and Iwaizumi “So-” You cleared your throat as they looked at you in synchrony “-what is it you need help in?”

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You looked up to the digital clock hanging on the wall. 8:47 pm, it read “Aren’t you guys gonna go home?”

Oikawa is fast asleep on the coffee table, head resting in his arms. Matsukawa has given up on his practice test and Hanamaki sat spaced out. It was only Iwaizumi whose focus is still on his notes. Even you gave up 15 minutes ago, feeling your head ache as the words start swirling incoherently in your mind.

You received a hum of reply, everyone focused on their own little worlds. You sighed, closing your book and tucking in the notes in your bag in a hurry. You stood up, groaning at the ache that has built up on your legs from hours of sitting. The others noticed this and copied your actions, slowly standing up and slinging their bags on their shoulders “You all should rest for the day. Just continue tomorrow”

Iwaizumi did not budge from his position and you walked out of the living room to the front door, Matsukawa and Hanamaki hot on your heels. Once you were outside, you were about to bid them goodbye when Hanamaki beat you to it “Hey, I’ve been thinking. Why didn’t you go to Seijoh?”

Matsukawa hit Hanamaki in the back of his head, earning a hiss from the latter “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that”

“Why? Did they talk about me?” Your smile was sad it could come off as a frown. The two boys looked at you sheepishly and you chuckled, turning away from them as you unlocked your gate “We’ve heard the three of you were close and that something happened. They didn’t really elaborate. You’re a really touchy subject” This made you laugh

“Damn” You turned back around to face them to see that they’re still on the same spot, waiting for your response. But you only gave them half a smile, bid goodbye and entered your house.

The next day, you slept through your alarm. Only waking up when your mother woke you up with a screech. And so you skipped on breakfast, snatching a biscuit from the top of the refrigerator and dashed out of your house. Only to be met with Oikawa getting on his bike, obviously late like you are.

“Shouldn’t you be at morning practice?” “Shouldn’t you know that 3rd years don’t go to practice anymore?” You rolled your eyes.

“Geez, how could I know? I don’t go to your school, dumbass” Oikawa pedaled to match your pace “You sound like Iwa-chan, chibi-chan~”

You held your tongue, though your frown failed to conceal your annoyance. Oikawa gazed at you, pursing his lips as you refused to look at his way “Hop on, chibi-chan. No matter how fast you go, you’ll still be late with those tiny legs of yours”

“Can you shut up?!” “What? Is that your best retort? How lame~” You kicked the wheel of his bike sending him trembling out of balance “Hey!”

You huffed. You did not sign up for so much annoyance so early in the morning. You groaned, head looking up at the sky in exasperation when Oikawa blocked your way “Please, please get hit by a truck” Oikawa looked offended

“Ouch, chibi-chan. Just hop on already, you know I’m right” He gave you a grin which only aggravated you more “No”

“Don’t be so stubborn, little girl” “I am not little” “Your height says otherwise” “I’ll kill you!”

Both of you were locked out of the gate that day.

Your review with the four boys continued everyday after school. As well as your morning walk to the school being bombarded by Oikawa. When he learned what time you go to school, Oikawa made it his mission to walk with you. Always biking at your pace as he ranted on and on much to your dismay. You had begged Iwaizumi to go to school with the two of you since Oikawa doesn’t give any signs of giving up on you. But Iwaizumi only gave you a grunt for a response, mumbling about respecting his sleep.

And came one Friday morning, 2 weeks left of school and 3 days before university entrance examinations. Oikawa is waiting by your gate as always and hopped on at the sight of you “Morning, chi-bi-chan~”

Closing your gate, he waits for you to walk but was pleasantly surprised when you sat on the back of his bike “Huh?”

“Bike” You said and so he did. He began telling a story about Iwaizumi tripping in front of his crush, elaborating on what happened that day. And you, you were uncharacteristically quiet. 

Usually, you’ll banter with him. And so when you called out his name, Oikawa could feel that you were about to say something heavy. So he continued rambling, zoning out your voice and filling the air with his words.

“Tooru” He paused, his heart thundering against his chest. It has been years since he last heard you call him by his name “Yeah?”

“Why are you acting like we’re friends” Oikawa let out a strained smile but you didn’t see

“Damn, that hurts y/n-chan” He said in jest but you could hear the genuine hurt in his voice. Oikawa felt your hand tighten as you clutch on the back of his jacket.

“Tooru-” You leaned your head against his back ‘-it’s weird how this makes me feel happy but hurt’ You thought

“Tooru-” ‘-I’m glad we’re talking again’

Oikawa could feel his heart go erratic, longing for whatever that is on your mind. Voice it out, he thought. Voice it out. But you don’t

“Tooru-” ‘-how come I still like you?’

That night, everyone is staying over at Oikawa’s house except for you. It would be weird considering you’re the only girl and your parents didn’t let you. But here you were, shivering in the cold as you knocked on the window outside Oikawa’s room. He was there because it was him who called you out at 2 in the morning, begging you to come. You shouldn’t have come but you couldn’t really resist him. Not even after all these years. Not even after convincing yourself to move on from him.

You’re whipped and you’re annoyed by it.

‘He’s a jackass’ You think as he holds your hand to support you down ‘He shouted at you. Never apologized, rejected you before you even had a chance to confess. He’s an annoying son of a bitch’

Your heart flutters when you stumble against his chest, Oikawa holding you by the shoulders to steady you “You’re cold” He says, his breath raining down on your hair. His breath was hot and your cheeks turned warm.

You fought the urge to look up at him but when he wrapped a blanket around you, your eyes unconsciously made its way to his face to see he was glowing red despite the darkness of his room.

“The others are in the living room” He says, pulling you down with him on his bed. Shuffling of sheets echoed around the room as Oikawa dived under the blanket. He had his arm under you while his other pulled you to his chest. He kept his arms around you, his chin on your head as you flushed yourself to his chest.

You could feel his heart, beating its way out of his chest. His heart slowly lulling you to sleep. He called out your name. You reluctantly pulled your head away from his chest and looked up at him “Hm?”

Oikawa bite his tongue, mulling over the words in his head. Should he tell you right now? What would your reaction be? He doesn’t want to hurt you again. He doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. He doesn’t want this moment to stop. For the world to pause and let him hold you close to him.

He thinks it over - deciding he should tell you soon. But not know. Not when your cheeks are red, your half-lidded eyes glossy as you gazed at him longingly. Oikawa leans in, planting a soft kiss to your forehead that tells you exactly what he feels. You could feel yourself shrink under the affection.

You didn’t notice that you fell asleep. Did not know that his eyes scanned every nook and crevices of your face. How beautiful you looked to him. How you would always be the prettiest in his eyes. How he looked at you so utterly and deeply in love it hurts to know that the time is ticking.

Oikawa brushes the strand of hair on your face, pushing it behind your ears in an agonizingly slow pace. He takes his time feeling your skin, placing his lips on your forehead and falls asleep with your warmth wrapped against his.

After that night, you and Oikawa grew more affectionate with each other. Sure, you still banter. That would never change. But there was a shift in the air and you knew there was something in there. But neither of you admitted anything. Still friends but much more than just that. Nothing was official and no one acknowledged the elephant in the room.

And you were glad it was never official. Because after graduation, Oikawa’s mom threw a party for him. A graduation party. A farewell party.

It seems like night brings out the intimacy that the morning shies away. Oikawa had led you to the playground behind your house. You remembered playing here with Oikawa and Iwaizumi, practicing volleyball as always.

You climbed up the slide and sat down at the top, letting your feet dangle on the edge. Oikawa sat beside you, his long legs dangling down beside yours. You studied the difference and smiled to yourself.

“I’m going to Argentina” He says, refusing to look at you. His hands are pulled into a fist, trembling. You placed your hand on top of his, his shaking stops as he finally looks your way “That’s great” You said, and you mean it.

He smiles at you but it doesn’t reach his eyes. So you held his cheeks, head tilting to the side “It has always been your dream, Tooru. I can’t believe it’s finally happening”

“It’ll be hard” You snort “Of course. It’s Argentina dude. Japan is still miles away from their skills” Your eyes glint at that, giving Oikawa a determined smile “But we’ll beat you, just you wait”

“I’ll win first” And he means it. You laugh, hand dropping from his cheeks “I’ll look forward to it”

Oikawa gazes at you with so much adoration in his eyes. You were the only person who didn’t tell him his plans were stupid. And he loves you for that.

“I love you” he was the first to crack. Your cheeks turn red, expression shy at his intense gaze “I-I love you too” You stutter, a bit overwhelmed.

Oikawa chuckles “You’re cute” His words don't really help to die down the red in your cheeks. In fact, it only worsens it “Shut up” You grumble indignantly and he laughs.

“Hey, will you be my girlfriend?” At this, you looked at him with a sad smile.

“We can’t” Oikawa knew your answer before he even asked. But he didn’t expect the pain would hurt that much.

“Can’t we try?” His voice is painful and it broke your heart to see him so broken “Tooru” He looks at you pleadingly and he speaks

“I think I've been in love with you all this time. But to be honest-” He bitterly chuckles “-I was envious of you more than I liked you"

"And that's why it's a no" you smiled sadly.

"You love volleyball, Tooru. More than anything else. More than you. More than me" The atmosphere was somber. Until a thought passed by your mind and you tittered.

"More than milk bread" The both of you giggled.

"Yeah...more than milk bread"

Neither of you moved. Not even when the sun rose from its sleep and in a few hours, he'll leave.

He'll leave.

And you have to let him go. Even though he's right there beside you. So close yet so far away. He's there and he loves you. But for his dreams. For him.

You let him go.

And then he's gone. On the other side of the world, thousands and millions of miles away from you. And you regret the three years that could've been so much more if the two of you hadn't been so stupid and so prideful.

And just like that, years and years passed. Both Oikawa and Iwaizumi left abroad and only you stayed. Though you did move to Tokyo and worked at a hospital for a few months until the opportunity to work as an assistant manager and physical therapist for MSBY Black Jackals came up. You could only thank the stars for connections. In this field, you only get a chance if someone in it knows you. And luckily for you, you know a ton of them from your years as a manager back in high school. 

It’s 2021 and 8 years have passed and you remained in contact with Oikawa. Though you don’t talk as much as you two now have your own separate lives. He has volleyball and you have your athletes. And of course, during the course of those 8 years, the both of you had dated several people. Some long term, some not so long. And inside those 8 years, you’ve finally convinced yourself you’ve moved on from Oikawa Tooru.

The olympics is this year and along with Iwaizumi, you were pulled in to be a manager and their physical therapist. You had made quite the reputation in the industry. What with your genius mind for volleyball, opponent teams that know you fear your analytical skills and your ability to use that knowledge for the benefit of your team. Really, all professional volleyball teams want you. It just so happens that it was MSBY Black Jackals that called you first.

Oikawa doesn’t know that you and Iwaizumi are part of the Japan team. And so when his team emerged, ready to face old rivals, Oikawa swore his eyes jumped at the sight of you and Iwaizumi.

Your heart swelled with pride, lips outstretched to a big smile. You’re proud of him, so so much.

You could only yelp when Oikawa sprinted towards you and pulled you and Iwaizumi in a tight hug. It’s been such a long time since you saw each other. And a thought passed by your head.

The three of you didn’t make it all in the nationals, but you sure did all go to the olympics.

When Japan lost and Argentina won, you didn’t find it in yourself to be sad. Instead, you were happy. Ecstatic. Euphoric. You’re so proud of everyone, of your teammates and rivals. To have made it this far, they were truly beyond just amazing.

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“You could stay with me” Oikawa says nonchalantly as he takes your bag from your hand, the hubbub of the crowd ringing in your ears as you exit the airport “My car’s right here” He tells you as you near a red sports sedan. Unlocking the car, he placed your bag at the backseat as you sat at the passenger's seat.

You’re in Argentina for the weekend for a seminar for sports physical therapists. Just two days, sure nothing could happen for such a short time.

“Nah, just drive me to a hotel” Oikawa gazed at you mischievously

“What? Afraid I’ll do something?” You threw a box of tissue at him “Shut up bitch” He laughed, taking a seat before starting the car “So you are” 

“Please” You scoff.

You ended up staying at his guest room.

His house is in an apartment - a kitchen, a couch, a TV, a fucking gym, and pictures on the wall. His apartment is surprisingly cozy, you noted. 

You dropped your phone on the bed, collapsing in fatigue. Your eyes were about to flutter shut when Oikawa’s voice boomed in the room “You should shower. Ya stinky from the flight” You rolled your eyes.

You reluctantly pushed yourself out of bed, passing by him and snatching the towel from his hands. You noticed he already changed into a shirt and shorts. You could see the outline of his muscles, lining down his chest. His thighs in view, you tried hard not to stare.

But of course, Oikawa being the ever asshole that he is, comments “Take a picture! It’ll last!”

Once shower was over, you fell down beside him on the couch, the television on in the sports channel. It’s Schweiden Adlers against Azuma Pharmacy Green Rockets. You smiled thoughtfully at the sight of Ushijima and Goshiki on TV.

“What time tomorrow is your seminar again?” Oikawa asks, passing you the milk break from the coffee table. You took it “8 in the morning until 5” He hums, bread down his throat.

“Wanna go out after? My practice ends at the same time” You yawn “Sure”

True to his words, he picked you up from the university 30 minutes after five. Oikawa took you everywhere, to the beach, to a restaurant, to a park, even to a club. Which is probably why he’s dragging your drunk ass to his apartment at 1 am.

You slipped from his arms and landed on the floor with a thud “Shit” You heard him curse under his breath as he hurriedly closed the door behind him. You felt arms curl around yours causing you to giggle “That tingles”

“How can you get drunk from 2 glasses of vodka?” He mused but you only giggled at him. Oikawa glanced at the clock, 1:42 am. Sighing, Oikawa put a hand under your knees and back, carrying you bridal style to your room.

“Tooru” You exhaled, your hot breath sticking to his face as he laid you down gently on the bed. Gulping, Oikawa turned away, grabbing the blanket to put it over you. He felt your hand enclose his cheek, forcing his gaze to you.

Your cheeks are red, illuminated by the moon that is the only light source in the room. Your hair is a mess and your breath stinks of vodka. Your eyes are closing, hands collapsing on your side as you exhale, dropping your head on the pillow. Oikawa notes the way your eyelashes squint and the mole in your left eyelid. And suddenly, Oikawa felt like he was eighteen again.

You could feel his breath, hear his heavy breathing and you flutter your eyes open. You shrink under his gaze, lips parting unconsciously and Oikawa fought with all his might not to kiss you right there and then. His eyes are half-lidded, filled with desire, longing, and love.

Love. Suddenly, you’re not so drunk anymore.

“Tooru” You breathed out in a soft voice. As if something in him snapped, his lips zoomed into yours in a passionate heated kiss. You moan, slinging your arms on his nape, pulling him closer to you until he was in between your thighs.

“Tooru” You slipped out when he removed his lips on yours only to kiss you again. You could feel the heat of his skin on yours as you pulled and pulled him closer as humanly possible. 8 years flashed through your eyes and all you could think about was how good it feels to have his lips nipping on your neck.

He moans your name, fingers combing through your hair in a desperate attempt to feel all of you. He’s wanted you for so long he couldn’t think straight when he felt your hands dig under his shirt, the cold of your hands digging into his back. He groans, kissing you again in the lips before letting you slip his shirt off his shoulders.

You hum, pulling away to kiss his collarbone, hands feeling his chest down to his abdomen. You felt him tug your shirt and you giggled into his chest, taking your shirt off only for Oikawa to roam his hands on your back, to your front then to your chest. He pressed a soft peck on the flesh of your breasts that wasn’t covered by your bra and he looked up at you and asked “Are you sure?”

“Yes” You exhaled and that was all it took for Oikawa to push you gently deeper to the bed, enjoying the feeling of his fingers working its way down to your legs. He took off your pants, Oikawa took a deep breath at the sight of your cunt. He goes back up to you, nuzzling his head into your neck and whispers “God, the things you make me feel” He airly chuckles.

You took a hold of his cheeks, kissing his eyes, his nose then his lips “I love you”

“I love you too”

-

“God, I’m nervous” Oikawa starts, jumping lightly as he holds your hand. You rolled your eyes but a smile plastered on your face. You grin at him and he continues “I’ve been an idiot for a very long time-” He pauses and smiles

“-still am” You snort “-but a tad bit better now that I’m with you” A soft, endeared smile crept onto your lips

“I won’t say that I don’t regret all those years that I could’ve been with you. But we both know that was crucial and all that matters is that now I’m with you” His eyes shone and his lips creased into a smile that reached his ears

“I promise to never leave you,” he pushes the ring into your left ring finger “-not even death can do us apart” You hear your family and friends laugh in the background

“I will bother you every step of the way-” you could not help the roll of your eyes “-and love you for the rest of my life”

“Actually, scratch that. I’ll love you even when I die. I’ll love you in my next life. And the one after that, and the one after that. No matter how many times I reborn-” Oikawa takes your hands to his lips, eyes fluttering shut as he pressed his soft lips on your knuckles

“-I vow to find you and love you. Like I’ve always had and always will”

For all of your life, Oikawa Tooru has been a constant even at times you wish he wasn’t. There was a time you loathed him, a time you missed him, a time you forgot him, and a time you realized you will never stop loving him.

And as you stand before your creator, in front of your friends and family, promising to love each other till the end of time. The sound of “I do”s and cheers reverberating around the hall, as he kissed you with a tilt of his head. 

You fell in love all over again.

but one day, gojo hyped you up so much that the night ended with you confessing your heart out to nanami

it was after dinner and after some pushing from gojo and shoko, you ran out of the restaurant to catch up to nanami

he was about to get in the cab when he heard you call out his name. you had stopped in front of him, panting from the distance you had ran

“I!-” breathe “-wait, lemme breathe for a moment”

nanami had apologized to the driver and closed the door as the cab drove off. nanami waited for you to catch your breath, your reflection on the specs of his glasses

“what is it, y/n?” at this, you sucked in your breath as you looked him in the eyes

“i love you” you told him

the breeze swooped in in that moment, the leaves from the sakura tree falling on top of your heads like a confetti

“i’m sorry” that was what he said

those two words haunted you everywhere you went, everything you associated him with. it mocked you every second of the day

nanami had insisted on seeing you off and called for a cab. he didn’t join you and was left by the side walk as he watched your cab drive you home

it annoyed you how hurt you felt. you felt weak for letting a man influence you so much everything you do reminds you of him

after crying for who knows how many goddamned hours, after weeks of pleading gojo to do something so you wouldn’t have to do a mission with nanami for a while

you now stood beside him, chatting off like nothing happened. it confused him and somewhat frustrated him

but he brushed it off, happy to be his comfortable self with you. he had worried it would be awkward

but really, you were dying inside

the weeks you’ve convinced yourself to get over the man just came rushing down on you and now you weren’t so sure

maybe you still like him. no, you still very much love him

and with a longing gaze, nanami was surprised to see you smile at him so endearingly

“i love you, nanami-san”

and for some reason, this time, it flustered nanami’s heart

what was even more frustrating was after you said that, you stretched out your arms then continued the conversation about the curse you have to exorcise today

you showed your love for him in simple ways. you realized, that if not being with you is not what’s right for him, you will respect that.

so you continued just being his friend. though it hurt you to be limited to just that

slowly, you try to transition yourself to getting over him

but it was never an easy feat

sometimes, you would find yourself staring at him and wished you could just come up to him and hug him. give him a kiss and bury yourself in his warmth. in these times, you would feel so cold

you could feel it bubbling up. the frustration and the hurt. and with him always in front of you like this. you were always bound to break

so when nanami pushed the both of you in a cramped cupboard because someone had been following you

your chest pressed against his that you could feel his heartbeat. a pain tugged on your heart at the different pace of your hearts

his was composed while yours were like dynamites firing in every direction

he could feel the erratic beat of your heart and felt conscious himself

“i hate you” you punched his chest weakly “i hate you, i hate you, i hate you”

“tell me, is there really no chance?”

“you’re my partner-”

“bullshit! if you don’t like me then that’s just that. partner? co-worker? younger? no, nanami. those are just excuses. if you don’t like the person then you don’t like them”

“-tell me” you hiccup “-please” you sobbed

nanami did not know so he held your arms in his hands “i don’t know”

and so he held you as you sobbed against him. murmuring just how much you hate him under your breath

he took you home that day. he made you coffee as you took a shower

he sat beside you as you sipped on your coffee silently, the droplets of your wet hair landing on the warm of his arm

“i’m not a romantic person. i’m not...suited for that kind of thing” he told you, gaze on the floor

you turned to him, a slight chuckle coming out of you mouth

“nanami-san, i still love you either way”

maybe it was your love that made him realize much later that he held you close to his heart as much as you did with him

maybe even more so than you do for him

but at that moment, as the silence engulfed the both of you in your cold living room with each other’s warmth the only source of heat

the strings of your hearts tugged for each other in an endless attempt to reach for the other

you fell asleep on his shoulders that night and nanami didn’t push you away

he let you sleep, nanami himself falling asleep once the tip of his eyes shut in exhaustion

and despite the uncomfortable cheap couch that would surely make your muscles sore the next morning

the two of you had a good night’s sleep you hadn’t have in a while, the snore of the other lulling you to a deeper dreamless sleep