"And nobody told me I'd be begging for relief
When what is silent to you feels like it's screaming to me
Well, nobody told me I'd get tired of myself
When it all looks like heaven, but it feels like hell"
cw: mdni, yearning suguru, suggestive content, angst, canon-compliant
Suguru still remembers all his firsts with you.
Starting with the first time he saw you: he had just moved to Tokyo to start his first year at Jujutsu High and he was unpacking his room, still on the phone with his mother, when you suddenly came crashing (literally) through his door.
You were panting, eyes wide, hair sticking to your slightly damp forehead like you had just run all the way here without stopping.
Even in this state, he couldn't stop himself from thinking you were beautiful.
You two were at a stand-still, staring at each other, waiting for someone to break the awkward silence, but just as he was about to speak up, you threw your head back and laughed.
It was loud. Unapologetic.
"Sorry," you had managed to huff out after you controlled your giggles, "I guess I have the wrong room!"
Before he could even open his mouth to respond, you were off again. The sound of your heavy footsteps echoing down the halls as you bolted off in search of your actual room.
He stared dumbly at the door where your silhouette had just been while his mom was on the other end of the line asking him what was going on and if he was okay.
"Yeah mom, everything's fine," he finally managed to mutter, "School just might be even more interesting than I thought."
The first time he asked you out had been because of a stupid bet with Gojo.
"You kill special grade curses like it's a walk in the park but can't get the balls to tell her you like her," Gojo teased.
"Shut the fuck up, Satoru," he snapped back, "I just care about her is all. Wanna wait for the right time."
Gojo rolled his eyes so hard Suguru thought they might pop out of his head.
"Right time, my ass," Gojo taunted, "You're just too chicken shit to make a move."
"Am not," he argued like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
"Prove it then," Gojo said, wide grin practically splitting his face in two. "I bet you won't ask her out by the end of the week."
Suguru knew Gojo was just trying to get him riled up, that he shouldn't fall for his teasing like this, that you meant more to him than a dumb bet, but he was still just a stupid teenager, so he took that bet.
He asked you to go to a movie with him.
At first you thought he meant as your usual group, with Gojo and Shoko along for the ride too, but when he clarified he meant just the two of you, your cheeks burned the prettiest shade of pink as you quietly mumbled, "I'd love to."
He wanted to burn that expression into his memory forever.
The moment was over almost as soon as it had started, however, when Gojo like the idiot he is, who was snooping on the two of you, called out from across campus, "Damn dude, I can't believe you actually did it! I admit defeat!"
You looked at him curiously, eyebrow raised, waiting for him to explain just what Gojo was talking about.
He sighed, wincing before the words even left his mouth, "Gojo bet me I wouldn't ask you out by the end of the week."
He waited for a reaction. He waited for you to slap him, or scream at him, or for you to storm away.
Instead he was left dumbfounded when you tossed your head back and let out that laugh he loved so much, turning to wave at Gojo and yelling back at him, "Thanks for the assist!"
You two went to see the movie together that weekend, but he wouldn't be able to tell you a single thing about it even if he tried.
He was too busy staring at you.
He couldn't help it the first time he kissed you.
You two had been dating for roughly a month but hadn't gone past innocent PDA: one of his strong arms slung around your shoulder, holding hands in public, snuggling up together at a restaurant booth.
It wasn't that Suguru didn't want to kiss you.
He just wanted it to be perfect.
He knew you were less experienced than he was, that he was your first boyfriend and would also be the first and last person to get the privilege of kissing you.
He wanted it to be special.
He had it planned out: he was going to take you to your favorite restaurant for dinner, summon rainbow dragon to take you on a flight across Tokyo, then kiss you while you two watched the sunset together.
But you know what they say about the best laid plans...
Instead, your first kiss happened completely unplanned and unprompted.
You had asked him to spar with you after class, frustrated after being assigned to spar with Gojo, wanting to improve your hand-to-hand combat skills.
And who was Suguru to say no to his pretty girl?
You weren't a special grade like he and Gojo were, but you were strong in your own right: a grade 1 sorcerer who had been assigned hundreds of dangerous missions, assisting in taking down plenty of powerful cursed spirits.
Still, he knew it bothered you that you weren't considered quite the same caliber as he and Gojo were.
But you weren't to be underestimated.
You may have lost while sparring with Gojo - because, honestly, who wouldn't lose to Gojo - but if he let his guard down for even one second, you could easily turn the tides on him.
And that's exactly what had happened.
You had faked him out with a right uppercut only to swing your opposite leg around to land a roundhouse kick on him.
Instinctively, he grabbed your leg to stop the blow, causing you to stumble into him with a cute squeak, your hands splayed across his chest for stability and your face so close to his he could smell the cherry lipgloss on your lips.
You two locked eyes and your face was dusted his favorite pretty pink before you broke eye contact - just for a second - to look at his lips.
That's all it took for him.
Before he could stop himself, he brought his hand up to cup your face and closed the gap between the two of you.
He smiled into the kiss when he heard you take in a sharp breath the moment your lips connected.
Even now, after everything, he still replays that moment in his head sometimes.
The first time you noticed something was wrong with him had been shortly after the failed star plasma vessel mission.
Suguru had been pulling away from you and Gojo, slowly.
He didn't want to burden either of you with the thoughts in his head.
If he had just been paying more attention, Riko wouldn't have died.
If he were stronger, he could have saved her.
Why does he even bother trying to save others anymore?
He didn't want to admit it, but he was also starting to feel an element of resentment towards Gojo, who kept getting stronger, getting sent on bigger missions alone, moving on with life as if they both hadn't just gone through the same thing.
How come Gojo can move on when he can't?
You two had a tradition of sorts: every Friday night, provided he wasn't away on a mission, you two would hang out in his dorm room and listen to music while talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
It used to be his favorite day of the week.
It didn't matter if he was sick as a dog, or if he had just gotten home from a mission bruised and battered, he always made time for your Friday night hang outs.
So the first time he asked you for a rain check, saying he "wasn't in the mood for it," of course you immediately knew something was wrong.
He was only slightly surprised when he heard your gentle knocking at the door not even an hour later, opening it to find you standing there with his favorite snacks and those big doe eyes he can never say no to.
He let out a tired chuckle and stepped aside to allow you in.
He felt your arms around his waist as soon as he shut the door and turned around to face you. You buried your face into his chest, taking a deep breath as if trying to memorize his scent.
"Are you okay?" You asked him, peering up at him with wide eyes, your bottom lip jutting out slightly as if pouting.
"Yeah baby, I'm okay. I'm just tired is all."
The accusation hurt Suguru more than he'd like to admit.
If only you knew why he was being distant. That it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the shitty world you two were born into.
"Please talk to me," you whispered, and Suguru remembers thinking he had never heard you make yourself sound so small.
And he hated that he knew he was doing it to you.
"I'm fine baby, I promise," he lied again, pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead, "Missions are just wearing me down a little, I guess."
You nodded, face once again buried into his chest, before saying in that same small voice, "You know I'm always here for you, right?"
He wasn't with you to witness the first time he broke your heart, but he knew that would be the consequence of his actions.
He had been sent away to a rural village to investigate reports of curses terrorizing the town, but instead, when he arrived, he was greeted by two young girls in a cage.
He could feel their cursed energy radiating off of them as they cried while the villagers behind him asked him to kill them.
These monkeys wanted to kill two children just for existing.
He slaughtered the rest of the village instead, releasing the girls from their cage and taking them with him as he took his first official step in abandoning the life he used to know.
He thought about you even then. Wondered what face you would make when you found out about what he did. Would you come looking for him? Try to get him to stay?
Would you still love him?
Or would you think he was a monster?
He remembers the first time he saw you again after defecting from Jujutsu High.
He had given up on ever seeing you again.
He still thought of you often: wondered what you were doing, if you had found someone else more deserving of your love and settled down, maybe had some kids of your own.
The thought of anyone else getting to touch you still made his blood boil, even all this time later.
He hadn't expected to run into you, especially not back where things all began.
He had returned to Jujutsu High to scope out a new curse he had heard of: a shinigami named Rika who was attached to a young boy named Yuta. If the rumors surrounding her were true, she would make an excellent addition to his collection (if he couldn't convince Yuta to join his cause, that is).
He had been careful to maintain his distance, perched atop the main campus building as he watched the boy spar with one of the other students. She reminded him of Toji, the one who had killed Riko. She had no cursed energy, but she was strong and fast.
Unfortunately, strong and fast wasn't quite enough to compensate for lack of cursed energy in her case; the boy didn't even need to summon Riko to fight her.
He let out a disappointed tch, getting ready to leave for the day when he suddenly heard a sound he thought he'd never hear again: your laugh.
His head whipped towards the source of the sound and he saw you, walking with Gojo, the two of you laughing at something he had pulled up on his phone.
He knew it was stupid, to have these feelings for someone he hasn't seen in years, but he couldn't help the wave of jealousy that surged through him at the proximity in which you two were standing together.
You looked even more beautiful now than you did back then, he thought.
Your hair was longer. Your curves filled out your uniform just a bit more. Your smile just as radiant as it was when he first met you.
He didn't have time to savor this moment, however, because his jealousy likely caused a spike in his cursed energy, and he watched as Gojo paused and began to look up in his direction.
He quickly escaped on one of his curses before Gojo could get a good look at him, but he spent the rest of that day thinking about you.
And he knew, he really did, that he should just leave you alone, but after getting a taste of what he had been missing for so long, he just couldn't stay away.
It wasn't hard to find where you lived.
Your information had been a little too easy to access online, really.
He'd have to scold you about that later.
He stared up at the high-rise building you now occupied and wondered how he should get in, briefly considering knocking before deciding it was too risky that you would open the door only to slam it in his face.
Or even worse, try to fight him and force him to hurt you.
Instead, he opted for sneaking in through your open window (another thing he'd have to scold you for when he finally got to talk to you).
He figured if he caught you by surprise and things didn't go well, he could subdue you before a fight broke out or before you could call for Gojo.
He found you asleep on your bed, your body wrapped up in the sheets like a cocoon, exactly the way you used to sleep when you were teenagers.
His body moved before he could stop it, drawn to you like a moth to a flame, his hand reaching out to caress your cheek while he watched you sleep.
You stirred almost instantly, face wrinkling in a way that almost made him laugh, before your eyes slowly blinked open.
As soon as you registered what was happening, who was in front of you, you immediately shot out of bed, putting as much distance between the two of you as you possibly could.
"Suguru?" You asked, your voice still thick with sleep, the sound making his cock stir slightly in his pants.
Get it together, Suguru, he scolded himself.
"Miss me?" He asked, a small smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.
He watched as you eyed him cautiously, a silent storm brewing behind those beautiful eyes as you tried to decide what to make of the situation.
Suddenly, he blinked and you were right in front of him.
He felt it before he realized what had happened, a searing-hot burning sensation on his cheek from where you had apparently slapped him, his head rattling from the impact.
As he turned his head back towards you, he saw you with tears running down your face, chest heaving, hands clutched into fists as your sides.
"How fucking dare you?" You spat at him, your voice full of hurt that pained him way more than that slap ever could have.
"You left me, us, all those years ago, never even bothered to say a god damn goodbye, killed all those people, and now you're here in my room watching me while I sleep like a fucking creep asking me if I've missed you?" You hiss at him, "How many times have you done this?"
"This is the first time," he quietly admits, "but I wanted to come see you so many times. To tell you the truth. To take you with me."
He hears your breath catch at his last admission, your hands slowly softening at your sides, your body trembling ever so slightly.
"Why didn't you just talk to me?" You asked, voice cracking as more tears stream down your cheeks, "I would have done anything for you."
"I didn't want to burden you," he answers honestly.
"So you decided to break my heart and leave me instead? To commit mass murder? I heard you even killed your own parents, Suguru!" You scream at him.
"Do you know how hard it was?" You continue, "To pick up the pieces of me you left behind? To try to pretend everything was okay when I felt like my whole world was falling apart?" You ask, voice dropping to a whisper.
"Yes," Suguru says, pausing for a brief moment before admitting, "After the Riko incident, I didn't understand how Gojo could just go back to business as usual. He kept getting stronger and stronger, going on more missions, risking his life for people who would throw us under the bus in a heartbeat."
He pauses again, waiting for your response.
When he gets none, he continues, "And you... you were so bright. Like a literal ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always happy. How could I possibly share with you the disgusting thoughts swirling in my head and risk bringing you down with me."
"And yet here you are now? After all these years? Confessing this to me and admitting there were times when you wanted to ask me to come with you?" You ask, arms now crossed over your chest, brows furrowed and lips turned down.
A moment passes between you.
You're the first to break it.
"What do you want, Suguru?" You ask quietly.
He steps closer, testing the waters, waiting to see if you'll step back.
When you don't, he reaches out for you, hands immediately finding your waist, grip strong and possessive.
"You had me," you whisper, tears starting to flow again but still not attempting to break away from his grasp, "I loved you so much."
"I still love you," he admits.
His heart nearly stops when he suddenly feels his lips on yours, his brain short-circuiting as his body tries to catch up with what is happening.
It isn't until he feels your warm tongue slide against his bottom lip, begging for entrance, that he snaps out of his stupor and pulls you in closer, opening his mouth to let your tongue massage his own.
He feels himself harden as his hand makes its way to your ass, squeezing slightly, causing you let out a little whimper, a beautiful noise he had only ever dreamed he would hear.
The kiss gets more heated as you glide your hands up the nape of his neck, fingers tangling in his long locks of raven hair and pulling, ripping a desperate sound from his throat that he did not think he was capable of making.
You take control and slowly guide the two of you back towards your bed, Suguru falling onto his back as the backs of his knees come into contact with the edge.
You take the opportunity to crawl on top of him, straddling his lap and panting heavily, eyes so dilated your pupils nearly swallow your irises whole.
You lean over, brushing your lips gently against his, teasing him, your soft breasts pressing into his chest in a way that has him trying to restrain himself from rutting up into you like a dog in heat.
"Promise me you won't leave me again," you ask, pulling away from him slightly, eyes searching his, silently begging him to say that he's still yours.
"I promise," he breathes.
The first thing Suguru notices when he wakes up in the morning is your warmth wrapped around him.
You're curled into his side, still naked from the night before, body littered with reminders of his claim on you.
He focuses on the steady rise and fall of your chest, the soft morning glow tracing the outline of your relaxed face.
It almost makes leaving you the second time even harder.
Suguru slips out of your grasp and tiptoes around your room, gathering up the clothes from last night, trying to erase any evidence that he had ever even been there.
He knows he promised you he'd stay.
But he also knows there's no happy ending for the two of you.
If he stayed, he'd be executed by the higher-ups for attempted genocide. You were naive enough to think you or Gojo could talk them out of it, but he knew that wouldn't be true. He also has his girls to think about. Even if the higher ups somehow decided to spare him, would they be as forgiving of his daughters?
If he brought you with him, he knows he'd be asking you to go against everything you morally stand for. That he'd be corrupting you and your innocence and turning you into him.
He loves you too much to do that.
So he'll let you go again.
He can only hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive him this time.
Suguru looks back at your sleeping form one last time, bending over to place a ghost of a kiss on your cheek, murmuring a quiet, "I really do love you" before he slips out the same way he came in.
He knows you might really hate him after this, knows that when you wake up you'll be confused, then hurt, but as he's walking away from your building, he still can't help but hope your paths might cross again.
@starmapz I felt like absolute ass today but I said I'd get this posted today and I couldn't let you down so this one's for you pookie MWAH I hope you enjoyed it hehe
(it will hurt worse. much worse. you have been warned.)
