"Psychic." she repeated, nodding sincerely. She wasn't sure why this was the part of Hazel June's character witness he'd chosen to cling onto, but she was happy to roll with it. She suddenly realised she wanted Matty to know her little girl, all her little eccentricities and odd behaviours. "She wanders around our flat sometimes looking for cold spots, and talking to ghosts, and she does this thing where her eyes roll all the way back in her head, but I think that's mostly just to freak me out."
She heard herself titter nervously, knowing she was rambling but emboldened slightly by his laugh. He had a really nice laugh, after all. Even when he was holding back the full force of it.
"Really? Are you sure?" she asked, voice wavering. Her shoulders slumped as relief flooded her entire body. Or was it something like hope?
In the few moments he'd been out of her line of sight, Chess had made a bargain with herself. If Matty didn't want to see her anymore, she could learn to live without him. Chess had a good life, warm and fulfilling. She had the best friends in the world, and the greatest support system for her daughter. She could let Matty sever ties, til time stretched out between them and they were nothing but strangers. It would hurt like hell. Her heart might even break, and she would most certainly cry. She could learn to move on. She just didn't want to.
Because to not have Matty in her world in any capacity didn't bear thinking about. To never hear him call her honey again, to never be able to let him know Hazel? It was utterly unthinkable. Why would she ever want to live without this sweet man in her life? Now that she'd held him so close, how could she ever let him go?
She swallowed hard, thinking Matty was giving her a lot more grace than she perhaps deserved. Her intentions had been utterly, undeniably selfish.
"You did! You do." she breathed, her chest aching at the idea that Matty might think he was nothing to her. "I lied because it all meant too much."
"I was scared. I've never..." she gestured to Matty in his entirety, her hand waving over his body in mid-air. "I've never liked someone the way I like you. And I wanted to be a different person. I wanted to be someone spontaneous, and sexy."
She felt tears prick at her eyes, but she wouldn't cry.
"I didn't know how I fit into your world, how we would fit into your world. And the lie wasn't purposeful at first, and then I got deeper and deeper in it, and..." she sniffed. "I wanted to keep you. I wanted to stay in the dream a little bit longer."
Chess pressed her index fingers under her eyes, as though she could stop the flow of tears, the smearing of her mascara.
"I did a really awful, manipulative thing." she admitted. "I was insecure, and I let it get the better of me."
discoholicmusic
izzy806
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
dededos
