to the moon and to saturn

↳INSTAGRAM: @paranormaljoey uploaded to their story.

Joey: She took your beanie. [sniffs] I left it on the kitchen counter and she saw it had your name on it and she took it because she thought she was allowed. [huffs] She wasn’t allowed! I’m the only one who gets to wear it. But you didn’t say anything, you just let her… [tearily] I know she’s nice but I don’t like her. And I want you to stop liking her and I miss you so much. Are we even friends anymore? My chest feels so heavy and… [man’s voice in background] Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Um, Mickey’s gonna get me back to my hotel room. Not for sex. That’s only for hot people. He’s just being nice. ‘Kay, bye, and don’t forget about Fatty the Ghost.

Joey: [hiccups, words slurred] I wish I was maybe back in New York. With you. Val is still with Jason so they’re definitely… [dramatically whispers] Having sex. [whines] I wish I was having sex. Maybe with Mickey but also probably not. I kissed him earlier but nothing else. I am NOT allowed to say who I’d have sex with right now. [sighs then lets out a yelp] Oh no! I stood on a seashell. Micah, look! [pauses] Oh wait. Ha. Duh. You’re with Zoey and I’m in Miamiiiii. [quieter] I don’t really want to be in Miami but I came because I wanted to see if you’d notice if I left. [softly] I think I want you to miss me.

Joey: Mm… hi. I don’t know where Val is. There was a firefighter and he was hot and Val is hot and I think they went away to be hot together. But that makes sense because… yeah. Guys choose hot girls. [sighs] Like, you think Zoey is hot, you know? Like, you look at her you’re all… whoa. Hot. Girlfriend is hot. And yeah. I have had shots again. If you couldn’t tell. And thinking about how I don’t know how to be hot. I should’ve asked you if you found me hot before you got with Zoey buuuuut it didn’t seem nice at the time. [pauses] I don’t think you would find me hot anymore anyway. ‘Cause you’re with her.

Joey: Okay. Sorry for calling twice. Not super cool but I’ve had like three… honestly, maybe four shots. Val keeps buying me them. And that guy I was telling you about, his name’s Mickey, he says I should definitely call you again about Biltmore. And holy heck. Micah. The ghost that haunts it is allegedly called Fatty. We can’t call a ghost Fatty even if other people do, right? [giggles then hiccups] Maybe I’ll see if he’s heard of any more politically correct ghosts we can - oh, jeeze Louise! Val’s bought more shots. Gotta gooooo!

Joey: Hey, I wanted to check in real quick. I know this is technically meant to be a vacation but I can’t really switch my brain off from Paranormal mode sometimes. Basically, I was talking to this guy earlier and he’s a fan of the show. He was talking about this place called the Biltmore Hotel that’s around these parts and like, haunted as heck. He said we should give it a try so maybe we could do more research when I get back? So… yeah. That’s all I was really calling for. I know you’re probably busy right now but… yeah! Bye!