rebel without a cause

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He let out an ‘oof’ or surprise when Ivy elbowed him in the ribs and shot her an annoyed glare over the woman’s head. But it wouldn’t do for the two of them to get into one of their usual tussles right now. They weren’t Wardo and Ivy, feral heathens tonight. He had to remember that they were Father Dierks and Sister Svedka, children of God.

Rubbing sorely at his side, he let Ivy navigate a response to the women, eyes subtly widening when he realised she was playing into this.

Now what were they supposed to do?

The woman in question was staring at them with barely disguised hope, her blonde bob (cut straight from the panel of The View) bouncing as she nodded in gratitude. 

“Thank you. I prayed for Him to help and he sent me two angels,” she said, grasping onto both of their hands. Wardo offered her a tight smile, awkwardly trying to extricate himself from her grip.

He moved around her and crouched by the boy on the ground, whose smile suggested he was having a better time than anyone else in the alleyway. He glanced over his shoulder, hoping Ivy would keep the kid’s mom distracted while he figured out how to deal with this.

“Okay, idiot, what have you taken and how much?” he asked, adopting the same tone he used when Bryce pulled stupid shit.

The kid’s head rolled around, not a care in the world, as he smiled dopily.

“What didn’t I take, man?” he asked. 

“Just answer the question,” Wardo groaned, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Molly? Coke? Fucking… oh shit, don’t tell me you’re on ket or something?”

“Noooo,” the boy giggled. “Half a brownie. I was gonna take the other half but I heard my mom coming and I dropped it.”

Wardo’s eyebrows fell into a frown as he stared at the boy in disbelief.

“You’re this bugged out on half a weed brownie?” he hissed, shaking his head at the boy who quickly dissolved into giggles.

Wardo shook his head and turned back to Ivy and the near-hysterical mother. He pushed himself to his feet, stretching to his full height. The woman watched him with wide and fearful eyes, waiting for his assessment. He stretched it out for a moment longer, for no reason other than dramatics, and then nodded.

“We can help the Devil leave his body.”

As her gaze drifted to Wardo visibly reprimanding the teen, Ivy glanced around as she tried to think of a way to distract his moron of a mom. Shifting her weight, she carefully side stepped, allowing the other woman’s eyes to follow her curiously, until her back was to her son and she couldn’t see just how fucked up he was on potential narcotics.  

“Father Dierks is the finest, uh...” She paused, wriggling her nose in confusion, lost in thought. What the fuck were they even supposed to be, exactly? A priest, sure, but was he a... Deacon? Was that even a thing? A bishop? No, she didn’t think even they could pass Wardo off as a whole ass bishop. Whatever, she needed to improvise and fast. “He’s the finest priest in our, um. Parish! And he’ll know exactly what to do to help lead your son to the light.” 

Somehow, it had almost seemed like the dumbass was actually following what Ivy was saying, despite her relentless mumbling and stumbling over her words. That being said, Ivy knew she’d fucked up immediately as she’d watched the mother’s eyes widen at the mention of the light. She proceeded to do a sign of the cross as tears welled up behind her eyes, and Ivy frantically reached forward to press a – hopefully – comforting hand on the woman’s arm, lest she try to turn back to look at her allegedly doomed son. 

“Not that light of course, my lamb. But the warmth of your love, of course. For only He can guide him back to you,” she found herself bullshiting, somehow to great success. 

Honestly, as hilarious as their night was panning out, it was really doing a disservice to the whole religion thing. Whatever denomination this nut belonged to, if this was the shit she believed in then you could count Ivy out. Not that she’d ever had any real desire to pray to a god she didn’t believe in, or whatever it was that hot Irish guy was singing about. 

Luckily for Ivy, Wardo seemed to have come to a solution, and her shoulders sagged in relief as they both turned their attention back to his. There was something almost comical about the way that her best friend rose to his feet, all 6ft and 3 inches of him. The woman beside her was now looking at him with an almost dazed look, as if she thought that God Himself had risen – a-fucking-gain?! Seriously? How many lives did this guy have? – and was towering over her now. 

“Uhuh, yup! We sure as shi- sheep- can!” Ivy amended, earning her a less than subtle glare from Wardo, as well as a confused look from the kid behind him. 

She chose her words very carefully this time, as she pressed her hands together, palms flat in a praying motion. She addressed Wardo and only Wardo, as though the woman beside her was merely a bystander, and not the victim of the world’s most ridiculous practical joke. 

“Is it as I feared, Father? Will we need to... exorcise the body?” 

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