Cloisonné

Bad news... even though I bought @tmbgareok Brooklyn tickets for the 28th and found a friend to go with me, they ended up backing out of the trip. I don't really think they ever intended on going with me, honestly. New York is't scary to me, but my friends and family think if I go alone... let's just say they think bad things will happen to me (don't want tumblr to decrease this post's visibility). I finally got to a point where I trust myself and I'm trying to stop looking for outside approval, but the outside disapproval won out. I said I'd go alone but they really wore me down and scared me.

Because of that I had to scrape and scrounge for someone else to go with. Normally, I go with my mom or dad but they're going on a trip and won't be back in time for the show. My sister's best friend from high school who is basically a second older sister to me agreed to go when my parents called her, but she can't go until the 29th!!! I feel kind of pathetic that my parents had to set up a playdate for me, but at least I get to go to the 2nd and 3rd show because of it. I am very lucky and privileged to go to any TMBG shows at all.

All of this to say, even though I planned on it and said I would, I can't go to the first Brooklyn show and I definitely can't go to their performance on the 27th at that book discussion or whatever it is. (Book looks good; I put it on hold at the library). It breaks my heart. I think I've been experiencing a new bought of depression because of it and some other social life related things. I guess, I was counting on the show to raise my spirits and now even though I'm going to the other shows, I can only focus on what I'm missing out on.

It doesn't help that last time TMBG was in Brooklyn, I bought tickets and couldn't go for basically the same reason (had planned to go with my significant other, but we broke up). My parent's couldn't take me and they were too afraid to let me go alone. At the time I could't afford the trip without their help so going was completely dependent on their approval. (Here's my post about last time this happened if you care to compare). Now, even though I can afford to pay for the whole trip myself, me going is still somehow completely dependent on their approval.

Recently, I've been fighting with my best friend. We haven't been talking much and I haven't seem them in weeks. We probably won’t even see each other again until June or maybe never. Maybe they’ll just let things fizzle out. But when I'm at a TMBG show... making friends is as simple as tapping someone on the shoulder. I went to the second Cleveland show alone and it was honestly the best TMBG show I've been to over all. I even got the drum plate.

After Chicago 3, I wen't out to get hotdogs with some other fans. That healed something inside me. Some long buried injury from when I was younger and it was impossible for me to connect with or even be on good terms with my community. My mom said that her being there made her feel like she was getting in my way and that she should't have come but was concerned for my safety. How can she not see she's always been in my way when it comes to connecting with other people because of her anxiety?

I know the way rock shows work is that the band shows up for you and you support them. But somehow, I feel like I'm shirking my responsibilities and letting down the band and all the friends I've met because of TMBG by not going. I felt the same way last time too. I guess I just don’t like making commitments and then not following through.

Any advice or kind words are more than welcome and very appreciated!! What do you think? Am I wasting my privilege (and money) by chickening out of this Brooklyn trip? Is NYC too dangerous a destination to travel to alone? Am I letting the band down by not going or is it some parasocial side effect?