Taking ME back

Recovery isn't something that comes easily to me, it's something that has become so ingrained in my life for so long that sometimes it's hard to imagine living without it. Last night was an absolute terror for me emotionally and physically. When I think back to all of the things that got me where I am today I have to smile. Obviously there are those out there who have had much different lives and bigger challenges, and at the same time I have to remember that the things I have faced in life where mine. My story is something that has shaped who I am. I'm giving birth to this terrible self-hating demon with inside me. It's interesting how much time can pass and everything seems like it's going well. And in the grand scheme of things life is pretty good. I have a job that I love despite its difficulties and painful things that happen. I have wonderful pets that love me unconditionally. I'm finally able to for the most part have my bills under control. I own a beautiful new car. I'm able to listen to the thunder outside my window right now, knowing that I have a roof over my head and I will stay dry. But then things happen and I question how I thought that I had things so in control in my mind. It's amazing how something so small two others can be so monumentally devastating to me. Absolutely lost it last night. I'm having a hard time right now wondering why I'm here. Why did I choose to throw up some of those pills that I took. Why didn't I use something with the larger blade or sharper blade for that matter. I feel better have a lot to give. I feel like there is so much love in my heart that pours out consistently that I forget to leave some for myself. Right now is I'm I'm writing this, I can't help but have tears in my eyes and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I need to be enough for myself, I need to love myself, and there are things that I do absolutely love. I love that I'm able to teach and embrace kids that otherwise would be feared. I love that I'm able to make people laugh to the point that their eyes tear. I love that I'm able to be confident in my body for the most part, and able to live in a way I've always wanted. With so many things to love it's hard to understand why I let the things I hate over well my mind and my body.

I have been on edge all week. Lots of rescue meds, so much anxiety and tears. I thought it was because I'm taking a medication course at work. Talking about things I am on. Hearing people's thoughts on those who take them. His home in a way I wasn't expecting. I dig deep to figure out if that was the issue. I realised I am afraid to go home for Christmas. I wonder if I have repaired the relationship with my real family enough to be there for such a special occasion. This holiday is the biggest for us. I am welcome, and they anticipate me being there. Do I deserve it? Am I ready? Baby steps had been the plan, but this feels like a leap. Giant step and I am not sure what to do. Recovery process cracks into the foundation of life. Patching, rebuilding and figuring out how to move forward. They will always be there for me. That will never change. They love me unconditionally but have made it clear that it was time to step back and let me learn to stand on my own to feet. I'm walking, past crawling, but I feel wobbly. I'm going to call Mom or Dad and talk it out. Know where they stand. I want to hide at home in comfort. I want to cry and not leave bed for three days. Do I leap or love in my safe little home.

I can't imagine where I was last year compared to where I am now. Little things show me every day, like talking to others around me when I'm in a panic to not envisioning driving off a bridge while crossing one. My sister brought something important to my attention the other day. We were discussing how I didn't cry when finding out the news that a friend's mom passed suddenly. I didn't cry when I went to see her the day after. I didn't cry at all. I cried within a dream the night I got the news. She asked if I felt that grieving was shown through crying. I had to pause and think about that. For others, I can see it not being a part of the process. Within myself, I couldn't remember a time I didn't cry about a death. I was confused and felt broken. My sister knows me inside and out (I guess having a friendship before a family-ship helped that). What she said stuck with me. Days later it is still with me. Maybe your baseline emotions are different now. Repeat that to yourself. Now again. Swish it around, savor each flavor. Now what do you get? A life altering sentence is what I got. For so long I have know my baseline for happy and sad to be so strong. Happy typically outward, and sad inward with the exception of hysterical crying. What did a new baseline even look like? Did this mean that my emotions moving forward might surprise me? Those words hold so much meaning for me. I know that as I've evened out and worked really hard on things within, I'd notice changes. I am a new ME. I want to say it shined a small light into a dark tunnel. That's old thinking. I'm no longer in that dark tunnel. It was a peek into where I'm headed. My baseline is different. My baseline will evolve. And that is ok. Let your emotions mature with you. Remember that just because something was "always" doesn't mean it has to be now.

Life is a constant ebb and flow of good things and bad. I’d like to think that the good is always better than the bad. I’ve relapsed a few times. But I’ve also fallen into the deepest love I have ever known. It is also the most complicated love that I can imagine. He is in recovery. and he too has relapsed. He surrendered the other night. To love, to give up control, knowing he can’t make the best choices for himself. Codependency is something that weighs heavily in this relationship. It is tough to set boundaries and work to keep this healthy. I need to work on myself, as does he. We are willing to do the work together, but does that make it unhealthy, or a beautiful thing? 

I fell off one, but not the other! that feels like something. I think I went to jump off the bridge. ended up back at home with a glass of vodka. lesser of the two evils i guess. 

I AM TERRIFIED TO LIVE ALONE.... I’m on the hunt for my own place and I am so afraid that safety-wise it will be a step back

Its when life throws you the most trouble that I need to remember one day at a time. Reach out to those in your support circle. Ask for help. Going to a support group today with a friend. She is orthodox and finally ready for me to visit her community. Its a huge step for her, and Im honored to get invited. Then to my first Kosher grocery store. Today is a new day and Im trying to choose to stay poisitive

Today there was a switch in power. I stood my ground. I am not a doormat. I am capable and strong. I will not let you take me down. I love him. But there is much more to me and my life than that. I had a great day at work. I made sure to look smoking hot for myself and no one else. Take back your power. Make choices, do things. Stagnant, scared and depressed can’t win.

There once was a time when I was happy. It was genuine and beautiful. It was something that felt like it could last forever. Once I smiled and it wasn’t hiding anything. Smiling didn’t hurt, it felt natural. It didn’t hurt to act happy on a low day. I don’t know what happened to that girl. Maybe its the emotional abuse. Maybe the rape. Maybe the divorce. Insecurities, fear of failure, and far too high expectations. Constant let down. Giving too much when the well is dry. I want to feel it again and I’m worried I don’t know how. I feel lost. Who am I anymore? I want to be that great friend again. Then my body began breaking. I’m an old lady trapped in the body of a 27 year old. I can look forward to living like this or worse from now on. Pain overwhelms my brain. Sadness has taken over my body. Broken inside and out. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now and I can’t seem to get them to slow down to share them. BE OPEN. SHARE IT. DONT HOLD IT IN

and thats about all i can gather myself to say today

As with all new routines, it’s really tough to begin and keep up with. Especially when dealing with the demons in your head. The last week has been a tough one. Started a new seasonal gig where I’m told I’m not cheery enough. Keep in mind that it begins between 3-5am with no customers in the store and a manager that is condescending. I’ve been struggling with my life choices and the need to defend them. Giving people chances because I love them. Having people give me the its us or them ultimatum. All while fighting with my inner self. I want to harm today. I self injure incase I haven’t disclosed that. Not for attention, and rarely to end my life, but to stop the ever present noise in my head. Control over something. Whether I cut, hit, pull out hair it all has the same end game. Hurting myself hurts those around me and that’s something that I learned this past summer. I can’t trust myself with shaving anymore, so I’m rocking the chewy legs. Getting divorced. Dealing with a boyfriend who, I’ve been in love with for 10 years. He is trying to pick his life up too. He sadly is a big part of my current life choices that is rocking the boat. It is hard to explain my need right now. When I meltdown or freak out, I need someone there who isn’t going to judge me, or think less of me. I need someone who knows what to do without being told. I’m feeling like a failure today. Such a low and terrifying feeling to have. My family is disappointed, many of my supports have backed off. I can’t seem to get in a groove. I started picking my most recent cuts today. I immediately put myself to bed. I thought to myself the things I learned in outpatient. Today I used sleep to self soothe. I used avoidance to work on my problem behavior. Today I communicated my needs with others. I’m using blogging to reach out to...I don’t know who. My urges are an 8 out of 10. I don’t think I’m sleeping well, and I think I need to be inpatient again. But if thats what I do, I lose my job, home and possibly my car. How am I supposed to care for myself when those are my options. I feel the spiral coming and don’t know if I’m equipped to stop it.I type to the void in hopes that someone reads this. Someone sees they are not alone. This silent fight can’t stay hidden any longer. to enact change we need to open up. I’m not sure if this is going to help me, or anyone else. I have to try. I have to fight this urge to die and live the life I’ve been given.

Along this whole ...thing, I am trying to find myself again. I don’t fit in at my job anymore but still love what I do. I’ve been on the hunt for a new job and can happily say that I have landed two this week! I’ve got a bunch on my plate to do this evening, continuing my newest move. Short is how my entry will be today, but overall it was a day filled with laughter and smiles

Will this be in chronological order? Probably not. Will it be exactly what happened? We are all human, and there are always three sides to a story. What matters is, that I am no longer hiding. I am putting myself out there for anyone willing or interested to read. I am not a borderline, panic/anxiety disorder, depressed person. I am Corina. I am a long list of things that doesn’t include those four. I happen to have them. Sure they control my thoughts and actions from time to time. They even took hold of my entire being at one point. When did I know there was something wrong? I think my first panic attack was around age 7. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t breathe. I called my mom who was working at a hotel at the time. What did I know? I was 7.. I’m pretty sure I told her I was having a heart attack. One important thing to know about me is that I tend to be a text book Virgo. I am highly critical of myself and those around me. I strive to give everything 100% all of the time. I take on more than I should at times, because I don’t like to say no. All of these things have helped secure the label I’ve been given for years. An “Uptight Bitch”. Friends, family and even people I hardly know have been telling me that I need to loosen up for as long as I can remember. I didn’t start out that way. My walls grew quickly as I got older. I was the weird fat kid who tried so desperately to fit in. My older brother was a charismatic people person. Everyone loved him, and he excelled in everything. For a long time I couldn’t understand how we were so different. Around this time I also realized that I found people beautiful. I knew that it wasn’t “normal” to find women pretty. I couldn’t grasp why people always had to know if “it” was a boy or girl. We are all just people. People who deserve to be loved and treated with respect. I had friends of course, and family that I saw. There were people in my life who loved me. But i knew something wasn’t right at home. Why didn’t my mom work consistently or stay home all the time like other moms? Why did I smell weird things at the end of the night? Why did my brother suddenly start acting out? the answer to those questions came much later... and you too will learn. Of course that is assuming you haven’t been able to read between the lines.

I’ve been contemplating writing about my current travel on the road to mental health. In sharing personal experiences I think people will see that it is something that has no boundaries. Your friends, family, neighbors, or those you know from the shop down the road may be struggling silently. Stomping out the stigma begins with giving a voice to those who remain in the shadows, paving the way to open honest discussions. For me, sharing is part of my healing. I don’t want for there to be shame. I am not defined by what happened or what my diagnosis is. I am a creative, intelligent and beautiful human being. Right now, keeping that person going is priority number one.