chenisean❤

Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) is a lung disease, to put it simply. In 80-90% of cases, it is caused by smoking but there are other factors that can lead to this disease (occupational dusts and chemicals, second hand smoke, genetics, etc.). (Lung Association, 2014) COPD incorporates emphysema and chronic bronchitis. It is essentially a lung disease that causes mucus in the lungs and throat, coughing, shortness of breath, tiredness, weight loss, and more. COPD cannot be cured. It is a chronic disease. While the symptoms can be managed, it is still a disease that will eventually work its way through the stages to the end-stages of the disease. The end-stages of the disease are the end of life.

This is how I have been explaining it to myself for years since I understood that my grandfather was very ill. My grandfather, Ashley Brawn, was diagnosed with severe COPD nineteen years ago. He has been in the end-stages of this disease for a few years. He has been in and out of the hospital. I truly thought I would be okay when it came to this time, when the end stages would finally be coming to their end. But I’m not. 

The medical definition can only comfort me so far. The dilotted and adavan kept him comfortable. The oxygen kept him breathing even with the 14% lung functioning. I’ve known he’s been sick for awhile. But why...? What happens from here...? Why couldn’t he talk to me one last time? Why couldn’t he sing to me... One last time? Why can’t I take him to the Montreal/Toronto hockey game I have always wanted to take him to? Why is there not more time? 

I know I’m lucky that he got to see me graduate. I am lucky that he got to see me go to prom. I am lucky that he got to meet my partner and gave me his approval. I am lucky that I got to show him photos of my partner, my family, and I at my university graduation. I am lucky that I got to hear him say “I love you” one last time and that he was so proud of me. But I wish there was more time. But I guess that is the thing about having someone pass away, there is always something that person will miss and there never feels like there was enough time. 

The last time I saw him responsive was Tuesday, August 2nd, 2016. We talked about sports. His favourite baseball team was the Toronto Blue Jays and his favourite hockey team was the Montreal Canadians. I showed him photos from my university graduation and photos of my partner and I on my graduation day. I will never forget the smile he had when he saw them and told me that; “That’s all I wanted to see... I’m very proud of you, dolly. I love you.” When he saw the photo of my partner and I, he said; “You and him were made for each other. You were cut from the same cloth.” 

At the end of that visit, I told him I loved him and he said it back. “I love you.” He told my partner he loved him. “I love yous both.” I have never met a person as loving and caring as he was. He was kind and he cared about all of us so much. He cared about my partner, me, his grandkids, his wife, his kids, and all of his loved ones and everyone he encountered. 

They had him hooked up to an oxygen machine that was used to push the oxygen in to his lungs better. ”In through my nose, out through my toes,” he would say as he practiced his deep breaths. He was moved on to the regular oxygen machine, which was what he wanted when he was nearing his final time with us (he couldn’t stand the sound of that other machine he was on, it was driving him mad, haha). 

Last night, I spent about an hour extra with him after my family left. I played my favourite song for him which I knew he would have loved and I played his favourite song for him. It turned out that this was going to be the last time I saw him breathing and sleeping. I was the last one to get to see him and tell him I love him. Last night, I got a call at 2:30a.m. Papa passed away. August 10th, 2016. 

My heart is breaking. I hadn’t heard him talk since August 2nd. But I know that this is the end of a long, hard journey for him. 19 years of fighting a chronic illness. 19 years of suffering. 14% lung function. He struggled everyday to stay alive. He has fought hard. But sometimes, it is your time. I wish him peace. I wish this suffering to end. I hope that he remembered all of the wonderful times of his life. 

But the time that I got with my grandfather means the world to me. I love him. Time is precious. I know that you wanted nothing but the best for me and I will do me best in everything I do. I can promise you that, Papa. 

me: the bourgeois

teacher: what

me: what