let my son have a dog

Little Red Riding Hood:  ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“I admire the girl’s independence, but this idiot child doesn’t recognize the difference between her beloved grandmother and a dangerous WOLF? The SAME WOLF she met in the forest less than an hour ago? And you think MY disguises are silly…”

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:  ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

“I like the part about the Evil Queen demanding Snow White’s heart – nice and macabre. So Snow White runs away to the forest and becomes a housekeeper for a gang of diminutive gay miners?  They should’ve just ended the story there – I don’t care for all that pointless, predictable nonsense about the poison apple and the prince.”

Goldilocks and the Three Bears:  ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“If those bears were any worse at deduction, they’d work for New Scotland Yard.” 

“Thought you might relate to Goldilocks, love – you’re both picky, impatient, show zero respect for others’ personal property…” 

“Oh please, John. Goldilocks is a moron – now, if Rosie wants to learn how to perform a proper home invasion…”  

“No.”

The Three Little Pigs:  ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“It’s a scam, obviously. At least two of these pig brothers are guilty of insurance fraud, and the third may be in on it as well. A wolf BLEW your house down? While straw and sticks may not be the sturdiest of building materials, the lung capacity of the average fully grown Canis lupus is not great enough to produce the force necessary to demolish even an exceedingly shoddy dwelling.”

The Little Mermaid:  ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“Why no pirates? Would be better with pirates.”

Rapunzel:  ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

“I’d like to know Rapunzel’s diet, genetic makeup (or at least ethnicity), cranial circumference, surface area of her scalp, the height of the tower, the surrounding climate and humidity level, what sort of shampoo/conditioner she used, whether or not she used hairspray or styling product …numerous variables affect the tensile strength and growth rate of human hair, you know…“

Sleeping Beauty:  ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“Sleep is tedious.”

Cinderella:  ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ 

“I love a ball. The ball is good – beautiful gown, the prince in his dress uniform, love at first sight, dancing the night away, AND a mystery! Yet it’s all ruined because I can’t stand the utter STUPIDITY of trying the glass slipper on every eligible maiden in the land…it doesn’t take a deductive genius to recognize that’s a waste of time!”

Rumplestiltskin:  ★ ★ ★  ★ ☆

Shh, she’s sleeping, John.

Here you go, our murderous Mary delivering posthumous DVDs for y’all like she likes to do. What a lovely person! 

Little Sherlock, John, and Redbeard. Little Sherlock’s asking for Redbeard’s “hand” while Little John’s trying to walk him.