not nearly enough post 70s cher. scrolling through tags like...

this is why abuse of all kinds hurt. this is why neglect hurts. this is why capitalism hurts. this is why gender policing hurts. this is why misogyny hurts. this why racism hurts. ageism, ableism, religious trauma etc hurts

our humanity and free will is how we access joy and fulfillment. and we're social creatures, learning and understanding ourselves through how others treat us is part of our evolution. that's why we gained success living in groups.

so to numb yourself to what that truth means, that someone you trust would sacrifice your ability to access joy, self fulfillment, literally physical health etc, you have to be sooooooo numb and disconnected. sooo hoodwinked about what you actually need to thrive.

and it scales up to the institutional level and down to the interpersonal level babe.

I've also been thinking about like. What makes me an adult a lot as of late. Like is it that I have a Big Girl Job or could it be any job? Is it because my partner and I live together? Is it a level of financial freedom? And if it is, what does that mean to me and my values versus what it means to a capitalist society that's doubling down on cruelty and inequality? It is the levels, qualities, regularities, comfortability of the relationships I have and keep? Is it my intellect and am I really being a good attendant to it's upkeep and maintenance?

And I don't know, maybe I'm just assessing my life and having a hard time deciding if I'm happy. I think overall....yes. There's still gloomy days, gloomy seasons but I don't think they're as numerous or frequent as before I was single. I do wonder what would have happened if I was single longer. Still ending up with my partner but having another year to cook. And like, still trying to do the things I think I would have done if I was that version of myself. Like derby. Like get closer friends with Erin and "my" side of the friend group. Craft club. And I think I get happiness from those things.

A positive that, the fact that I can even question it is progress because before the answer was an immediate "no." I guess I'm proud of myself for that. I think so.

I definitely talk to myself better. I try to be kind to my inner child. I try to be kind to my current adult. I cried 31 year old tears last week. Not inner 8 year old, adult ass tears over a car repair bill. Does shit like that make me an adult? Not parenting my inner child but being in the present at my big age? Yea, I guess. Not taking on my agency, but asking with my agency because I have it.