trams are my passion

8.23.25

I've also been thinking about like. What makes me an adult a lot as of late. Like is it that I have a Big Girl Job or could it be any job? Is it because my partner and I live together? Is it a level of financial freedom? And if it is, what does that mean to me and my values versus what it means to a capitalist society that's doubling down on cruelty and inequality? It is the levels, qualities, regularities, comfortability of the relationships I have and keep? Is it my intellect and am I really being a good attendant to it's upkeep and maintenance?

And I don't know, maybe I'm just assessing my life and having a hard time deciding if I'm happy. I think overall....yes. There's still gloomy days, gloomy seasons but I don't think they're as numerous or frequent as before I was single. I do wonder what would have happened if I was single longer. Still ending up with my partner but having another year to cook. And like, still trying to do the things I think I would have done if I was that version of myself. Like derby. Like get closer friends with Erin and "my" side of the friend group. Craft club. And I think I get happiness from those things.

A positive that, the fact that I can even question it is progress because before the answer was an immediate "no." I guess I'm proud of myself for that. I think so.

I definitely talk to myself better. I try to be kind to my inner child. I try to be kind to my current adult. I cried 31 year old tears last week. Not inner 8 year old, adult ass tears over a car repair bill. Does shit like that make me an adult? Not parenting my inner child but being in the present at my big age? Yea, I guess. Not taking on my agency, but asking with my agency because I have it.