just about to take off

You snatched your arm out of her grip. “I said we’re done.” You spit back at her, your voice laced with venom. You had to clench your fists and dig your fingernails into your palms to stop yourself from swinging at her knowing smirk. Physical reactions, both sexual and combative, were the reason you were in this whole mess. Maturity and restraint needed to be the way you solved it.

But once again, she stopped you from leaving, this time with her words.

“You’re going to choose a guy over your career?”

Her words froze you in place. They echoed in your head as you slowly turned around to face her once again, watching the way the yellow street lamp illuminated her smug face. In any other context, the thought of choosing a man over a successful career was simply unfathomable. It was a silent vow you’d made to yourself many times, to put yourself and your goals first, and not let relationships get in the way. But so far in your life, you’d never been faced with that choice.

You swallowed, and turned your eyes towards the ground. “Baekhyun is not just some guy.” You explained, both to her and to yourself. You kept your voice steady. “We’re together.”

“And?” Minji countered, her eyebrows raised. “It’s been, what, two weeks since you two first hooked up? Even less?” She scoffed at you. “And in that time you’ve fallen so in love that you’re going to let him ruin you professionally?”

“He’s not ruining anything.” You shot back at her. “You’re the reason I got fired.”

Minji took a step forward, reaching an arm out to you. “And now I want to help you.” She said with a smile as you backed away from her. “If I go in and say that I started the fight, and I ask them to forgive you, you’ll have your job back.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “And they won’t fire me. I’m sure of that.”

You rolled your eyes at her egotistical comment, but you knew she was probably right. Minji had been working at the magazine far longer than you had, and was a pretty important contributor. Starting a fight with an assistant editor would merely be a small stain on her record there, but no grounds for firing like it had been for you. You sighed. “So, why don’t you just do that? Tell them the truth, and I’ll have my job back. Baekhyun doesn’t have to have anything to do with this.”

“Sweetie, he has everything to do with this.” She said, matching your eye roll. “I’ve had a chance to do some thinking,” She began to explain, her smirk nauseating. “And I realized that this is his fault. All of it.”

You scrunched your eyebrows, not quite understanding where she was going. Crossing your arms over your chest, you listened as she spelled it out for you.

“My anger towards you was misplaced. He was the one who initiated this whole…” She trailed off, gesturing with her hand as she searched for the word. “...Affair.”

“Not an affair.” You muttered under your breath.

Minji waved away your comment. “Whatever. The point is, he’s the one that hurt me. You were complacent in allowing it to happen, sure, but he knew what he was doing when he kissed you in that corner last weekend. He knew it was my worst nightmare. He was my friend. But he didn’t care. He chose you.” You swore you heard her voice break as she spoke, but she regained her composure before you could be sure.

“I want to hurt him.” She stated, erasing the emotion from her voice. “I want to hurt him like he hurt me. And I’m going to use you to do it.”

You opened your mouth to object, but she kept talking. “I have no doubts about his feelings for you, Y/N. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him like this with a girl.” The statement took you aback slightly. At this point, you also didn’t have any doubts about his feelings. But to hear Minji, someone who had known him for over a decade say that, you couldn’t help the way your heart fluttered slightly.

But the fuzzy feeling quickly faded when Minji continued. “So, he loses you, and he knows how I felt when I found out that he slept with you. How it feels to lose the person you care about most.”

Shaking your head, you pinched the bridge of your nose. You knew Minji was a vengeful bitch, but for her to come for the very object of her affection with such a sinister plan made your head pound. “I won’t do it.” You said. “No job is worth hurting him like that, and I won’t be a pawn in your fucking game.”

“Y/N, use your brain, for once!” Minji cried out, exasperated. “You’re finished. Do you get that? You’ll never get another job after what happened. I’m giving you an opportunity to save yourself.”

“What do you not get, Minji? I don’t want it.”

She groaned. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you do.” She looked you over, before letting out a dry laugh. “You know, the reason I liked you so much when we met was because you were so focused. So hardworking. It was cute, how much you cared about your job. That’s why I took you in.” She paused, smiling in reminiscence, before her expression turned serious and her eyes landed back on you. “Prove me right about you. Make the smart choice.”

You stood frozen where you were as Minji sauntered past you towards the doors to the bar. “You have until tomorrow.” She added, her hand brushing your arm gently before she disappeared back inside.

The dizzying combination of the frigid night air and the ultimatum before you made your head spin. You stayed where you were on the sidewalk, watching your breath appear and disappear in front of you, but Minji’s patronizing words stayed stuck in your mind.

Her description of you was accurate. You’d always been incredibly hard-working, and it was that same determination that got you the job in the first place. You’d worked your way up through some shitty publications, where you were nothing but mistreated and ignored. Working overnights, jobs on the side, all to scrape by with the hope that one day you could live in the city and work as an editor for a distinguished magazine, surrounded by art, fashion, and culture.

But the most incredible thing of all was that you made it. All by yourself, without the help of anyone else, you’d accomplished what you’d set out to do. And just when you finally were settling into this life, enjoying everything that came with it, you’d let it all slip away. You knew it wasn’t your blame to shoulder alone, but what if you’d only kept to yourself and stayed focused on your career? No friends, no boyfriends, no drama. You’d been maintaining that lifestyle for quite some time before this. Maybe you needed to return to it.

As much as you didn’t want to make a deal with a devil like Minji, you couldn’t deny that the offer was attractive. You’d get your career back. You’d probably get your friends back, too. Minus Baekhyun. It was all minus Baekhyun.

The thought of living without him made your throat close up. You couldn’t believe you were even considering this right now. Your commitment to him wasn’t trivial in the slightest, and you weren’t going to toss him away because of a toxic friend and a job that worked you into the ground, all the while knowingly wounding him. With him, you finally had happiness, and you finally felt at peace.

You were not going to throw that away.

“Y/N?”

Your heart nearly jumped out of your chest when you heard his voice behind you, quiet and concerned. Irrationally fearing that he could read your mind and would know what you’d just been deliberating, you shook the thoughts out of your head before turning around to face where he stood behind you.

Standing on your toes, you wrapped your arms around him tightly, worried that the thought of letting him go would actually make him disappear. But he felt real underneath your touch, as you grabbed onto the fabric of his jacket. He was warm, and he was here with you now. The promise of a fruitful career was just that- a promise, yet to be fulfilled. But Baekhyun was real.

His strong arms enveloped you, pulling you closer into his chest. You rested your head there for a moment, just wanting to feel him, to focus on him and nothing else. When you both finally released each other, you realized an errant tear had fallen down your cheek. Quickly, you wiped it away with your sleeve, but not before Baekhyun noticed.

“What’s wrong?”

You shook your head in response. “Nothing. Can we go home?”

“Yeah. I closed out our tab.” Baekhyun answered. He shifted a bit on his feet, clearly not believing nothing was wrong. He looked down at you with doubt in his eye. “I saw Minji come back in by herself. Did something happen?”

“No.” You said swiftly, your voice firm. You had no desire to inform him about the deal she’d offered you. You weren’t taking it, so there was no reason for him to know about it. “I just want to go home.”

Still doubtful, Baekhyun held a pause between you for a moment before nodding softly, without a word. He took your hand in his, gave it a squeeze, and started walking towards his car down the block. It wasn’t a long walk, since the restaurant you’d gone to was only across the street from the bar, so you reached it quickly. Pulling his keys from his pocket, he unlocked the car and pulled the passenger-side door open for you to enter.

You ducked your head to get in, but stopped yourself, a thought popping into your head. “Can I drive?”

Baekhyun looked at you quizzically, but held the keys over your open palm. “Please don’t crash my car.”

Not acknowledging his comment, you snatched the keys from him. Driving always calmed you down, and helped you take your mind off of what was bothering you. It made you feel like you had some control. You really needed that right now.

Getting in the driver’s side, you started the quiet engine and pushed the power button on the radio. Once Baekhyun was securely inside next to you, you pulled away from the curb slowly, and headed towards his apartment. I should probably get used to calling it my apartment, you thought to yourself.

The drive home was short, and before you knew it the apartment building was coming up on your left side. But you stared straight ahead, letting it disappear behind you in the rearview mirror.

“Um,” Baekhyun started, his voice cautious. “Didn’t you want to go home?”

“Yeah.” You answered nonchalantly, continuing straight down the road. “Just not yet. I want to drive a bit.”

“Alright.” Baekhyun said, turning his head to look out the window to his right. He stared for a while as you drove, letting the sound of the radio be the only noise in the car. You weren’t sure where you were going, turning left or right every now and again. You didn’t want to stray too far from your area, but the amount of attention you were actually paying to your direction wasn’t much.

You stopped at the end of a road, where the only way you could proceed was a left turn or a right turn. It was funny, you thought to yourself. A metaphor. Figuratively, there were two directions you could go in now. Turn left, and try your new life with Baekhyun. Rebuild yourself. Start from scratch, and find out who you were. Turn right, and fall back into the life you knew two weeks ago, with a job, but without him.

There was no question in your mind which way you wanted to go. You turned left.

Time passed, how much you weren’t sure, listening to the songs and voices come through the car stereo, when Baekhyun finally broke the silence between you two. “Do you wanna talk about what happened back there?”

“Back where?” You asked, only half paying attention as you turned the wheel to make a slow right turn.

“The bar. With Minji.”

“Oh.” You said. You chewed your lip for a second before answering. “Nothing happened.”

Baekhyun sighed, still staring out of the passenger-side window. “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but please don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not-” You started, your voice defensive before you cut yourself off. Baekhyun glanced at you as your mind ran in circles. Saying nothing happened was technically a lie, but you really didn’t want to get into it. You took a deep breath before answering again. “We talked, and she’s still a bitch. It’s not a big deal.”

Obviously not satisfied with your response, Baekhyun turned to look back out the window. “Okay, fine.”

“What?” You snapped at him, slightly more bitingly than you meant to as your fingernails dug into the leather of the steering wheel.

He shrugged, a tight frown on his lips. “If you don’t think you can talk to me about it, it’s fine.”

“It’s not that.” You explained, your voice falling quiet. Another pause passed. Maybe he did deserve to know what was going on, considering the offer was meant to harm him directly. You should probably tell him at least some part of what had happened. You sighed, pressing on the brakes at a red light. “She offered me my job back, okay?”

“Seriously?” Baekhyun’s head turned back to you, his eyes wide. “Are you going to take it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

You didn’t answer. You didn’t want to lie, but you weren’t sure if telling him that he was the bargaining chip in this deal was the right move either. If he thought that you hurting him was something you’d even consider, you’d be devastated. The light ahead of you turned green, and your foot pressed the gas somewhat aggressively. “It doesn’t matter,” You responded, keeping your eyes locked on the road ahead as you sped down it. “I’m not taking it.”

Baekhyun shifted in his seat, turning his body towards you to see you better. “Tell me why.” He insisted, his voice low.

Giving up on playing mute, you groaned. “Because she told me I’d have to stay at her apartment and not see you anymore, okay?” You admitted, the botheredness in your voice clearly present. “Which is ridiculous, and I’m not doing it, so it doesn’t matter.”

Though his mouth opened to respond, he quickly closed it and sat back in his seat. A moment of silence passed before he spoke. “So, why are you so upset?”

“What?” You croaked out, your voice cracking slightly.

“I mean,” Baekhyun started again, his voice increasing in volume with every word. “If it’s so ridiculous, why does it bother you? Because you considered it?”

“No, I-” Realizing what you’d feared him thinking most was happening, you responded quickly, doing your best not to lie, but also to quell his worry. “She stood there and berated me, telling me I was an idiot for not saving my career and taking back a job I worked really hard for. She made me consider it.”

“But you considered it.” Baekhyun stated plainly, sounding sore.

You had nothing more to say, so you didn’t. This is exactly what you didn’t want to happen. You already told him you wouldn’t do it, and you weren’t sure what else you could do at this point.

Baekhyun broke the silence again. “You know, if you want a job, I can get you a job. You could work at the gallery, or I could-”

“Baekhyun, I’m not going to work for you.” You interrupted.

“Okay, fine. If you’re living with me, I don’t care if you have a job anyways. It’s not like I’m going to make you pay rent.” He went on. “But, still, if that’s something you want, I can help you out. I know a lot of people.”

“Of course you do.” You mumbled under your breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Baekhyun sighed, exasperated, and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at you. “Do you think for once in your life, you could just accept someone’s help?”

You couldn’t help but scoff. “What, like it’s not bad enough that I’m unemployed, living rent-free at my boyfriend’s apartment, no friends, no job prospects, no future? I think you’re already giving me enough charity.”

“Charity?!” He shot the word back at you bitterly. “We’re together, Y/N. I’m not doing any of this because I feel bad for you. I’m doing it because I love you.”

“I know.” You admitted through your teeth. And you did know. That was why you shouldn't even be fighting about this. Knuckles white on the steering wheel, you were trying your best to remain calm, trying to draw in deep breaths and resist the urge to scream at the top of your lungs.

Leaning back in his seat, Baekhyun turned his eyes upwards towards the ceiling of the car. “Then what is there to consider?”

“Don’t you get it?!” You shouted back at him, feeling hot, angry tears brimming in your eyes. “My career is over, unless I get that job back, okay? Not only that, but you have no idea how fucking hard I worked to even get there in the first place! I’m embarrassed, and ashamed, and a complete fucking failure.”

“Please, calm down-”

“I would beg and grovel on my knees to those people to let me have that job back, but it wouldn’t matter, and Minji knows it.” You continued, not stopping for his interjection. The tears in your eyes were blurring your vision, and your foot remained heavy on the gas pedal as you sped down a dark, empty street. “She’s the reason I got fired, and now she’s the only one who can fix it. So she can hold whatever she wants over my head, even you.”

“Y/N, you need to slow-”

“But I love you!” You cried, your strangled voice reaching its peak in volume as the tears building in the corners of your eyes finally fell. “So I’m not doing it, okay?! I’m not playing this game with her, because no prize she can give me is worth losing you!”

“Y/N, stop!”

The car was four feet past the stop sign when you slammed on the brakes, narrowly avoiding the path of the oncoming traffic. You barely registered the sound of the other cars honking their horns at you over your heart thumping in your ears. Your breaths were quick and uneven as you held your tight grip on the steering wheel, unmoving.

You were pretty sure Baekhyun had said something to you, but you didn’t hear it. “What?” You asked, your own words sounding like they were reaching your ears underwater.

“Pull over up there.”

You nodded, still staring at your white knuckles. Once the road was clear both ways, you hesitantly took your foot off the brake, moving forward slowly through the intersection until you reached the other side and pulled off towards the curb.

As soon as you put the car in park, Baekhyun removed his seatbelt and got out of the car. Still frozen in place, hands on the steering wheel, you watched as he rounded the car and opened the driver’s side door. It took a moment of him standing there expectantly to realize he would be taking over the driving from here. Hands shaking, you unbuckled your seatbelt. Baekhyun offered a hand to help you out of the car, which you unsteadily accepted. Once your feet landed on the asphalt, Baekhyun slipped into the seat.

Slowly, you made your way around the front of the car, trying your best to put one foot in front of the other. You closed the passenger door behind you as you sat, and buckled the seatbelt with trembling hands.

Baekhyun pulled away from the curb without a word, only pressing a few buttons on the car’s digital screen to set the GPS back to the apartment. You weren’t sure how far away you’d ended up, but from the looks of the screen it was at least a few miles, and you didn’t recognize your surroundings.

The ride continued without a word. The silence reminded you of the last time Baekhyun had driven you back to his apartment, after finding you freezing on the side of the road and denying his help several times. You’d cried into your knees, inconsolable as he’d kept a hand on your shoulder until you fell asleep. He wasn’t touching you now.

You wiped the leftover tears from your cheeks, too in shock about what had just happened to cry anymore. The quiet that surrounded you now was heavy, as the all too familiar reality of your situation set it. You could never get comfortable. Just when you thought things were going well, that you could take a moment to enjoy the trajectory of your life, something, or someone, would always be lurking around the corner to ruin it all.

It made your stomach twist in pain as you stared out the window, the silence ringing and pulsing in your ears. You couldn’t take it anymore. You just wanted to talk to him. “Baekhyun?” You offered as gently as you could, looking at him for some sort of reaction.

You got none. It was Baekhyun’s turn to stare straight ahead, white knuckles on the steering wheel as he drove. You searched his face for any sign of emotion, but his expression was unreadable.

If he was mad, it was understandable. You’d nearly crashed his pristine Audi and killed you both, not to mention admitted that you’d considered breaking up with him. It was a lot to process, even for you being the one that caused all of it.

If he was mad, you could fix it. But he gave you no indication of how he was feeling.

“Baekhyun,” You tried again, this time as less of a question, and with more desperation. “Please.”

Still no answer, and no acknowledgement that you’d even spoken to him. His lips were pressed together, pouting slightly. As he turned the wheel to make a turn, you watched the veins on his hands and forearms protrude.

You exhaled through your nose, knowing you were getting nowhere with him. Defeated, you rested your head against the glass window next to you, closing your eyes as the vibrations of the glass made you realize that a headache was imminent.

The rest of the ride continued in an absence of sound. Neither of you made any further attempt to change that. You didn’t even open your eyes until you heard the electric hum of a garage door opening, realizing you’d returned to Baekhyun’s apartment building. Your heart began to race again as he pulled in, wondering what was going to happen now. There was no way you could just go upstairs and go to bed with this darkness looming between you.

He parked the car in his spot and turned off the engine. After that, he made no move to leave the vehicle. Unsure how to process, you sat there, watching his expressionless face.

“Take Minji’s offer.”

The words felt like an assault on your ears. Unnatural. He shouldn’t have said it.

“What?” You squeaked out, your voice hoarse.

Baekhyun cleared his throat before repeating himself. “I want you to take Minji’s offer. And get your job back.”

You shook your head, trying to clear his words from your conscience. “No.” You said, completely in disbelief. “No, I’m won’t. I already said I’m not doing it.”

“I’m not asking.” Baekhyun said, his tone resolute. You stared at him, your mouth hanging open as you watched the way his eyes stayed fixed on the dashboard in front of him, not even taking a glance in your direction.

“Baekhyun,” You insisted, panic rising in your throat like bile. You choked on your words as they came out of you, and your head pounded. “What are you saying? I won’t break up with you.”

His eyes didn’t move, but you saw his lower lip tremble before the words finally came. “Then I’m breaking up with you.”

It was like he drove a stake into your heart when he said it. There was no way he could mean those words. Absolutely no way.

The tears started to bubble over again and spill down your face as you sat there, feeling like you were about to throw up.

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

“I don’t…” You tried to speak, but interrupted yourself with a hiccup. You started again. “I don’t understand.”

Baekhyun didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at you. Everything about him was silent and cold.

“Baekhyun!” You shouted at him, desperate for some response, any response. Finally, he looked at you. He watched the tears rolling down your cheeks, and pressed his lips together in a tight line.

Unable to conceal your emotions as skillfully as he was right now, you kept pushing, the tears and beginnings of sobs making your words nearly incoherent. “I don’t understand,” You cried again. “How can you just sit there? What are you saying?”

You saw the glassiness appear in Baekhyun’s eyes as he continued looking at you. Again, his lip trembled before he spoke. “I’m not going to let you throw away everything you worked for.” He said softly. “Take the job back. I won’t be the reason you give up your career.”

“No,” You shook your head back and forth, trying to sort through the thoughts tumbling inside. “This isn’t happening. I won’t do it.”

“Y/N, listen to me.” Baekhyun said, surging forward to grab your shaking hands and hold them in his. He looked on in obvious distress as you continued to cry. “You’re not going to be happy with me, okay? Knowing what you could have had, if you had gone back. You’ll always regret it.” He insisted. Tears were beginning to fall from his eyes as he spoke, and his voice began to crack. “I’m not going to be the reason you can’t be happy.”

“Stop,” You sobbed. “Please, just stop. I’m not doing it. We’ll figure something else out.”

Baekhyun pressed his eyes shut, your despondent face becoming too much for him to bear. “With me, the way things are now, you don’t have a future. That’s what you said.”

Hearing your own vicious words hurt, but you couldn’t take it back. You could argue against yourself all day, but in that moment, when you’d accused him of treating you like a charity case, it had been the truth.

You didn’t know what to say. You tried one of the only things you knew was true. “Baekhyun, I love you.” You told him, your voice persistent, trying to make him understand that you couldn’t do this.

“I love you. You know I love you.” He echoed you, more tears spilling onto his soft cheeks. “That’s why I won’t let you do this to yourself. I won’t let you choose me over you.”

His words silenced your sobs as you took them in. He was right. You didn’t want to listen, but he was right.

You sat back in your seat, pulling your hands from his and staring at them in your lap. You had no other defenses. Nothing else to throw at him to change his mind.

“So it’s over?” You managed to squeak out, too scared to watch his face for the answer.

But you already knew the answer. And so did he.

In a rush, Baekhyun got out of the car, slamming the door behind him before walking to the other side. Unbuckling your seatbelt, you watched as he pulled open the door next to you. His hand landed on your arm, grabbing you and pulling you out of your seat. Weak, you let it happen, and you crumpled into his chest when he held you against him. Your arms hung loosely at your sides. Your wet eyes were closed against him, but you weren’t crying anymore. You felt nothing.

His head rested on top of yours as you stood like that for a while, with his arms wrapped tightly around your back. Time passed, how much you weren’t sure, as you stayed motionless in his arms. The only sound was the dull buzz from the dim garage lights above you.

When he finally released you, you couldn’t stand to look at him. You stared at your feet as they moved you, and began walking towards the elevator. You just wanted to go to bed. Asleep, you couldn’t pretend this wasn’t real.

Baekhyun’s footsteps followed behind you, after he closed up the car and locked it. The elevator was open and ready when you got to it. Stepping in, you pressed the button for his floor as he got in next to you. The doors closed. You rode in silence.

Reaching the floor, you got out and walked together to his door. Baekhyun stepped in front of you, key in hand, to unlock the door.

“I don’t want to see her.” You said, your voice quiet and scratchy from crying.

Baekhyun glanced back at you, the key halfway turned in the lock. “What?”

“Jihyun.” You explained. “I just want to go to bed.”

Understanding, Baekhyun nodded, his expression somber. He unlocked and opened the door slowly, trying to prevent it from creaking. He poked his head inside and looked around for a moment, before turning back to you. “All the lights are off. She must be in her room.”

You followed as he led you inside, before closing the door behind you as quietly as he could. Not hearing any stirring from anywhere in the apartment, you hurried down the hallway to the bedroom, thinking to yourself that this was not how you’d expected to return here tonight. Your hands and mouths should be all over each other right now. You should be enjoying the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. Instead, not even a day into officially being together, you walked single file, several feet apart.

Once inside the bedroom, you headed straight for the bathroom and closed the door behind you. You flicked on the bright overhead light. It hurt your sensitive eyes, which were now feeling quite dry and achy. You didn’t even look at yourself in the mirror, not wanting to see the mess you’d surely made of Jihyun’s makeup. Turning on the sink faucet, you let the water warm to wash your face with.

You scrubbed quickly until the water dripping through your fingers ran clear, before drying your face and your hands. Your eyes remained closed, not wanting to be assaulted by the fluorescent light. Blindly, you reached your hand to flick the switch off, then opened the door back to the bedroom.

The room was dark, lit only by the white winter moon through the blinds. Baekhyun was already in the bed, laying on his side, close to the edge with his back facing you. You took a deep breath before approaching, but a stack of clothes on your pillow caught your eye. He must have pulled them out for you to sleep in. It made your heart ache.

Stripping yourself of the clothes Jihyun had lended you, you left them in a pile on the floor before pulling on Baekhyun’s warm clothes. You’d grown used to the scent of his detergent, having to borrow his sweatshirts and pants and socks several times now. It was a comfortable scent. It smelled like home.

Such sentimental thoughts wouldn’t do right now. All you wanted was sleep. To escape.

You climbed into your side of the bed, mirroring Baekhyun’s position with your back towards him. Even enveloped in these clothes, underneath the warm comforter and sheets, you shivered. You wrapped your arms around yourself and hugged your legs in close, pulling the covers tight around you. Nothing helped.

As if he could sense what you were feeling, Baekhyun rolled over to face you. Without a word, he moved to press his chest into your back, draping his arm over you to keep you taut against him. Instantly, you felt better, finding yourself in the same position that you’d woken up in this morning. Completely wrapped up in one another. Baekhyun’s warm breath puffed against the back of your neck. A tear slipped towards the pillow as you closed your eyes in the darkness.

A dark, dreamless sleep was the only escape you found. You didn’t mind. You were sure that if you had dreamt, it would have only made you feel worse.

You weren’t sure what time it was when you awoke, but the cool-colored light of the sun rising was just barely visible through the window. It must have been early. You weren’t much of an early riser, but now that you were awake, you didn’t think you would be able to fall back asleep. There was too much on your mind.

Baekhyun’s arm hung over you loosely, and the rate of his breathing indicated he was still asleep. As carefully as you could, you slipped out from underneath him. Standing next to the bed, you glanced back at him. He didn’t appear to have been disturbed by your movement at all. His mouth hung open slightly, a tiny line of drool tracing from the corner of his lip to the pillow. His eyelids fluttered slightly. You wondered what he was dreaming about.

Feeling emotion swell in your chest, you turned away. You wanted to get out of here, and just take a walk. You grabbed a pair of Baekhyun’s sneakers from his closet, slipped them on, and quietly exited the bedroom. Jihyun’s door was still closed, so you assumed she was still asleep.

It was still pretty dark in the apartment, the clouds now covering the early morning sun. You grabbed your bag and made your way to the front door. Entering the hallway, you pulled the door shut behind you before you realized you couldn’t lock it. You didn’t know where your key was.

The last time you’d seen it you’d been standing in this same spot, just a few days ago when you’d come to give the key back and leave this city for good. Thankfully, that wasn’t what had happened.

Still, you weren’t sure where the key had ended up after it fell from your bloody hand. Deciding you’d only be gone for a short time, you left the door unlocked. The building had security, and you’d be back before anyone was even awake.

You made your way down through the building and outside, breathing in the crisp, morning air. It wasn’t as cold as it had been over the past week, so you felt comfortable in just Baekhyun’s sweatshirt.

As you began to walk, you tried to focus on the sensations around you. The sound of car engines, as people were beginning to make their way to work. The cool air opening your sinuses, making your puffy face feel less swollen and irritated. Your feet pressing against the pavement as you walked at a brisk pace. These were the thoughts you focused on. The grim alternative, though not as mundane, was not what you needed right now.

Similarly to how you’d driven last night, you made random left and right turns, with no destination in mind. You didn’t want to stray far from the building, but you wanted to keep walking. You must have been walking vigorously for some time, when you realized one of the sneaker’s shoelaces was untied. You kneeled down to tie it, before standing again and catching your reflection in a storefront window next to you.

You didn’t look as worn out as you would have expected to. Your eyes were a bit puffy still, but you looked awake and alert. You leaned in closer to the window to inspect a mascara flake that clung under your eyes, before peering inside the shop. You realized it was your favorite coffee shop, the one you’d visited with Baekhyun.

The two of you had stood in this exact spot the first night you’d gotten together, staring back at your reflections in this window. You’d been wide-eyed, excited by the prospect of a somewhat scandalous adventure. So much had happened since then. It was hard to believe how much had happened since then, in less than two weeks. You smiled, before the pushing open the door and entering the shop.

They were already open for the morning, bustling with early-risers here for their morning cup of joe. The line was short, and you ordered a chai tea latte, the same as always. It didn’t take long for it to come up. You grabbed the warm mug and slid into an empty booth.

The ceramic warmed your hands, and the aromatic spices warmed your spirit. Your eyes closed as you breathed in the aroma, leaning back in the booth. You sat like that for a while, listening to impatient work zombies order their coffees to-go and run out without so much as a thank-you.

Maybe you fell asleep sitting like that, you weren’t sure. You didn’t even realize you’d begun to drift off until you thought you heard someone say your name gently.

Your eyes snapped open to confirm your suspicions, but you were surprised by who you saw. Standing before you were Jongin, Chanyeol, and Soonja.

“Oh, hi.” You said nervously, shifting in your seat. You hadn’t seen Jongin since you’d showed up at his apartment, and it had been even longer since you’d talked to Chanyeol and Soonja. Seeing your friends gave you a familiar comfort, but you were still nervous. A lot had changed.

Their faces looked solemn as they watched you. “Do you think we could maybe, talk?” Chanyeol suggested. You nodded in reply, and the three of them squeezed into the booth across from you. They looked between each other, waiting for someone to start. Chanyeol cleared his throat. “We just came in for coffee, and we saw you here, so we just, um…”

“We know about Minji.” Soonja finished for him, her voice steadier and more sure than Chanyeol’s.

You took a nervous sip of your drink. “What do you mean?”

“About what she offered you. With your job, and Baekhyun.” She clarified.

“Oh. Yeah, that.”

“It’s awful.” Chanyeol took over again. “She was pretty sure the two of you would get together after he’d kicked her out of the gallery. So, she told us she was going to confront you with it the next time she saw you. Because she wanted to hurt Baekhyun. And she knew you needed that job.” He paused, looking at his fidgeting fingers. “We all told her not to. That she had already gone too far, and that we’d had enough.”

Your eyes widened, and you sat up at attention. “Really?”

They all nodded. “We told her we’re done. And that she’s been a terrible friend to you, and to Baekhyun. Even to all of us.” Soonja explained. “Well, not as bad to us. But she used us to hurt you guys, and that’s not cool. So we’re done with her.”

“Wow.” You said, honestly shocked. Minji had always been the leader of your friend group. For everyone to turn on her must have been some sort of miracle, but it seemed to have happened. You thought for a moment, watching their apologetic faces. “You said all that, and she still made me the offer.”

“I guess she cares more about revenge than keeping her friends.” Chanyeol shrugged, before looking back at you sincerely. “But, like Soonja said, we’re done. And, if you guys will let us, we want to be there for you and Baekhyun.”

You didn’t know what to say. You were grateful that they’d come to their senses, but at this point you weren’t even sure what was happening with Baekhyun. You chewed on the inside of your cheek before you spoke. “I think Baekhyun and I broke up.” You admitted quietly, staring into your mug. No one said anything, so you continued. “He told me to take Minji’s offer. He wants me to get my job back.”

“But that’s not what you want.”

Jongin’s voice surprised you when he spoke for the first time, making you look up from your drink. You shook your head in confirmation.

“So don’t do it.” Jongin said simply, like the decision was an obvious one.

You shook your head again. “I think I have to. It’s over. Minji won.” You explained, your voice devoid of much emotion.

Jongin sighed, looking out the window for a second to think before looking back to you. “Who are you loyal to, Y/N?”

The question took you aback. You weren’t sure what he was asking. “What?”

“Who are you loyal to?” He repeated, his voice certain and strong. “Minji? Your boss? Baekhyun?”

You weren’t sure what the right answer was. You wanted to think you were loyal to Baekhyun, but if you were going to take this offer, even if he was the one telling you to, you weren’t sure how that could be true.

Jongin continued before you could choose. “None of them.” He said, answering for you. “You’re loyal to yourself. You’re headstrong, and determined, and you do what’s best for you. Always. Don’t you?”

“I guess.” You admitted, though you didn’t like the way he painted you to be a bit selfish. Were you selfish? Probably. But who isn’t?

“So, why should this be any different? Do what you want to do.” Jongin insisted.

You considered his point, but weren’t totally convinced. “What if I don’t know what I want?”

“You do.” Jongin shook his head, before sighing deeply. “I told you we could be friends again when you figured things out for yourself. And you have.”

That was what he’d told you. When you showed up at his apartment to apologize, he’d accused you of not being over Baekhyun, which he had been right about. He said you needed to figure it all out, and you had. You loved Baekhyun. You wanted to be with him.

“You know what the right choice is.” Jongin asserted, his eyes locked on you. “Don’t let anyone stop you.”

Of course, it would be Jongin to be the one to finally make it all make sense to you. Like Baekhyun, he was someone who genuinely wanted what was best for you, but had the objectivity to see both sides of the argument. And he made the right choice clear. It was Baekhyun. He knew that it was always Baekhyun.

A smile grew on your lips as you realized what you had to do. “Thanks, Jongin.” You said, and he smiled back. You looked at Chanyeol and Soonja. “And you guys, too. Thank you.” You took a final sip of your latte before sliding out of the booth, leaving the mug half full. “There’s something I have to go do.” You told them. “I’ll see you guys soon.”

You called Jihyun as soon as you stepped outside, asking if Baekhyun was still there.

“He just left.” She told you. “He went to work. When did you leave?”

“Earlier.” You said simply, waving down a cab. “I went to the coffee shop.”

“Did you get me anything?”

A cab pulled up, and you got in quickly, giving the driver the address to the gallery. “No, sorry.” You said to Jihyun. “I’ll be back in a bit, okay? Just wait there.”

Jihyun yawned. “Don’t worry, I’m used to being alone here. Speaking of which, how did last night go? You guys were pretty silent, for once, when you came home. It was shocking.”

“Tell me about it.” You mumbled into the receiver.

“So what happened?”

“I’ll tell you later.” You said quickly. “Just stay put.” You hung up, taking a deep breath as you thought about what you were going to say to Baekhyun. There were a million things, tumbling through your brain in no particular order. You were pretty sure you’d be able to get your point across. You just hoped he would listen.

When you arrived, you handed the driver your cash and hopped out, walking briskly as you pushed through the front doors. You looked around, seeing no one, but noticed the photographs on the walls from Friday had come down, leaving them empty and ready for the next show.

As fast as your legs could take you, you ran up the stairs to the loft, remembering how he’d chased you down them when he’d told you he loved you. You hadn’t believed it.

You kept running upwards.

Baekhyun’s office door was closed, but you didn't hesitate before grabbing the knob and pushing it open, not even bothering to knock. Baekhyun was just taking his jacket off when you barged in. He must have arrived just before you did. His jaw dropped when he saw you. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to say something.” You said, completely out of breath from running up the stairs. “I don’t know if it’s going to come out right, and I don’t even know if it will make sense, but I just need you to listen. Okay?”

Baekhyun watched you for a moment, his expression unclear, but he nodded and took a step towards you.

You took a deep breath before the words started rushing out of you, fueled by your heart and not your head.

“You told me I wouldn’t be happy with you, knowing I could have gone back to that job.” You said. “But here’s what I know: If I do go back, I have to work with Minji. I have to live with Minji. And I have to live without you. And I know-” You paused when you heard your voice break on that syllable, feeling emotional tears building behind your eyes. “I know I’d never be happy. I know that’s the outcome of going back.”

You took a moment to catch your breath and catch your thoughts. “What I don’t know is the outcome of staying with you. I’ll never know what kind of happiness I can find with you if I don’t at least try.” You explained. “Maybe I’ll never have a career like I wanted. But maybe I will. I won’t know unless I give it a shot.”

Baekhyun nodded, following along with your words, staying still where he was.

“Now, back to what I do know,” You waved your hand in front of you as you tried to make sense of your own rambling. “You make me happy, Baekhyun.” You said, tears slipping from your eyes down towards your wistful smile. “Happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel like this, to wake up and just know you’re in the right place, with the right person, and just feel alive. I didn’t know that was real. But it is. And it’s because of you. I’m not going to give that up.”

Turning his eyes to the floor, Baekhyun shook his head. “I told you not to choose me.” He said softly, barely audible across the room.

“I’m not. I’m choosing me.”

Your words brought Baekhyun’s wide eyes back up to your face. You wiped your cheek with his sweatshirt sleeve, but the tears wouldn’t stop. You weren’t even sad or upset, just so overcome with emotion in this moment as you stood across from him and attempted to articulate everything you were feeling in your heart.

“And choosing me doesn’t mean going back to a place where I’m unappreciated and treated like I’m nothing.” You went on. “I won’t do it. I’m staying with you, because that’s the right choice for me. I know it is.” You let out a laugh-cry. “I have to trust myself, that that is what’s best for me. You begged me to trust you after what you did to me. And I did. I do.”

Baekhyun opened his mouth to speak, taking another step towards you, but you kept going. “Now, I’m asking you to trust me, that I know what’s best for me.” You told him through your tears. “That I’m loyal to me first, but that means being with you.”

Your words circled and spun through the room as they echoed, their weight settling in between both of you. Baekhyun stared. “Are you done?” He asked tentatively.

Your chest heaved, the combination of your run and your rant leaving you without much breath. “I think so.”

Without another word, Baekhyun closed the distance between you, stepping forward until you were in his grasp. In a second, his arms were wrapped around your waist, lifting you off the ground to sweep your lips up in a deep kiss, stealing what little air you had left in your lungs.

You kissed him back gratefully, your eyes closing and sending small tear fragments from your lashes to his cheeks. Your arms around his shoulders raised to hold those soft cheeks in your hands. Feeling his skin under your fingers, his lips wrapped up in yours, made your entire body soar.

Just when you were sure the lack of oxygen was going to overtake you, he set you down, a bright smile on his face. You matched it, as you struggled to take in air. “You know,” You started again. “A kiss is great, really, it is. But I just said a lot of words, so, I really need a verbal answer, too.”

Baekhyun laughed, a sound that filled the room like music. “What is there to answer? I don’t think you asked a question.”

“Oh, yeah.” You considered what to ask, your voice still breathy. His arms were still around your waist, and you looked up at him. “Well, then, is that all… okay?”

“Is it okay?” He laughed again, before shaking his head with a smile. “You listen to me, now. I want you to be happy. That’s all I want. And I do trust you. So, if you say that you won’t be happy without me…” He trailed off, his eyes sparkling as he looked down at you. “...then, there’s no way I’m going to let you go.”

In total relief, you let out another laugh-cry at his words, palming at your wet eyes once again with the sleeve of his hoodie. It was all you ever wanted to hear from him. From the minute all of the trouble began, all you wanted was for him to fight for you. To fight for both of you. And now that you had each other, you could take on that fight together.

“Why are you crying?” He asked, bring his hands up to your cheeks to wipe the happy tears that kept streaming down.

“You’ve seen me cry so many times at this point, are you really surprised?” You shook your head with another pitiful laugh. “They’re good tears, though.” You brought your hands back to his cheeks, squeezing them between your fingers with a smile. Standing on your toes, you pulled him back down to kiss him again.

He chuckled against your mouth, kissing you back sweetly as he wiped away another tear with his thumb. When your lips separated, Baekhyun pressed his forehead to yours, keeping his eyes locked on you. A quiet moment passed as you held each other, breathing in unison. You traced a line between the moles on his face with your eyes. You loved them. You loved every tiny detail about him. You made the right choice.

You were the one to speak first. “I told Jihyun I’d be back.”

“Okay.” Baekhyun said, breaking away from you. He walked to his desk, grabbed his coat, and pulled it on.

You tilted your head at him. “Don’t you have to work?” You asked.

He shrugged, and shot you a grin. “Yeah. But let’s go home.” You mirrored his smile.

The two of you walked out of the gallery hand in hand, as he led you to his car and drove you back to the apartment. On the way, you told him about what had happened with Jongin, Chanyeol, and Soonja. He was very obviously relieved that they’d chosen your side of this mess. Though he’d been prepared to lose all of his oldest friends for you, he was glad that they would still be a part of your lives. You thought about double dates with Chanyeol and Soonja, and you were excited. You thought about the five of you going out together like old times, minus Minji. For you, that was the biggest relief. She was gone. You had no further connections to her, and you were better for it.

When you arrived back at the apartment, your trip upstairs was much more pleasant than it was last night. Baekhyun’s hand never left yours, from the garage, to the elevator, to the floor’s hallway. You smiled so intensely the entire way that your cheeks started to hurt. When you reached the door, Baekhyun reached into his pocket for his key. His lips were pressed in a thin line, tongue poking out as he patted his front and back pockets, finding nothing. “Shit,” He said. “I think I left my keys in my office.”

“I’ll call Jihyun.” You suggested, opening your bag to find your phone. You reached your hand in to search for the device, brushing past various tubes and objects as you dug around. When your fingers felt the cold surface of a familiar small metal object, you froze. Slowly, you wrapped your hand around it, pulling it out as you stared at it in your palm.

The key.

“Ah,” Baekhyun sighed, seeing the silver key in your hand. “I completely forgot. I put that back in your bag after you dropped it out here.” You looked up at him, your eyes wide and lips slightly trembling. He knew you’d always be back. Deep down, you thought, you knew it too.

Pinching the key between your thumb and forefinger, you held it in front of the lock. You felt one of Baekhyun’s hands come to rest on the small of your back, as the other brushed your hair off your neck. His soft lips pressed against the skin just below your ear, and you did your best to not melt to the floor under his touch. As usual, you knew the two of you wouldn’t make it far past the door.

The key slid into the lock with ease, opposite parts made to work together. The door opened. Baekhyun hummed against you, and you smiled. You were home.