So. Iβve been working on my confidence and my friend has been keeping me accountable. We started this thing, βConfidence Challengeβ where everyday thereβs a question for an entire month about what you like about yourself, like βWhatβs the last thing that made you smileβ ... βWhatβs a habit you like about yourselfβ ... βWhat part of your personality do you likeβ ... etc.
I thought it was stupid at first. I thought, jee wizz hereβs any ordinary challenge found on pinterest that wont really do anything. But I did it anyway. The first few days were surprisingly difficult. The first question was βWhatβs a facial feature that you like on yourself.β and I couldnβt think of anything. We try to answer each other in the morning, but this was day one and it already took me into the afternoon because I still didnβt know what I liked. However, if you asked me what I didnβt like about myself? I would list those in a heartbeat.
Days go by and weβre at 19 and it finally hit me.
I DONβT REALLY LIKE MYSELF.
I thought I at least thought something of myself, but I donβt. AND THATS THE PROBLEM. I did the challenge thinking it was stupid, but I didnβt know it was an actual problem that I have. I have an issue with confidence, self love, and self appreciation. I donβt give myself enough credit for anything. Iβve heard numerous times how Iβm hard on myself. I mean, I knew that I was, I just didnβt know the extent until a close friend told me.
I took my PT test the other day. I typically max out my push-ups, sit-ups, get measured at a 26inch or below waist, and run between 12-13min for my 1.5 mile run..... this year has been my worse PT Iβve done in my 11 years in the Air Force. I knew that it would only be my fault though, because I wasnβt preparing the way I normally would. I have reasons, but it felt more like excuses.
I already expected to get no more than 30 something pushups.
I already expected to get no more than 35 something sit ups.
I already expected to run no faster than 14:25 min.
I already expected to get high 80β²s or just barely making 90.
My husband paced me the entire time and then two close friends joined us for my last lap. When it was all said and done, I got βcongratulations itβs over!β i got βgreat job! you pushed so hard!β I got βYou did it, you got what you wanted!β I got βIβm proud of you!β but I still went to my husband and I told him Iβm sorry. He asked my why I was sorry. I told him I know you wanted me to run faster. He told me I didnβt need to be sorry for anything or to anyone. That I did better than I thought on all of it and I still got a 90. I reached my goal and above my own expectations, so why do I need to say sorry.
THEN IT HIT ME.
Iβm hard on myself because I feel like everyone wants me to be a certain way. I feel like everyone expects better from me. That my best isnβt good enough. Since I dont ever feel good enough, I donβt love myself for who I am.
YOU GUYS.
I traced it back to my parents.
Iβve always done my best, but at the end of the day, to them, they always told me βthis grade is good, but itβs not good enough.β / βwhy do you dress like that? itβs not good enoughβ / βwhy canβt you be like your cousin?β / βwhy cant you be like your brother?β ... nothing was ever good enough.
THAT MESSES YOU UP MAN! I donβt care who you are. Hearing that your entire life on top of constantly being cheated on, left, lied to, and STILL being compared to other people ... How can someone ever feel ENOUGH?!
Itβs going to be hard. Itβs going to take a lot of mental work and some coaching, but I know now ...
MY best is the best, because itβs MINE. I know what I am capable of and I know my strengths. I know where I can do better in things and I know what I can improve. Just because I have things that I can work on, does NOT mean that I am not good enough.
βYOUR MIND IS A GARDEN. YOUR THOUGHTS ARE SEEDS. YOU CAN GROW FLOWERS, OR YOU CAN GROW WEEDS.β