Cosimo Galluzzi
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Today's Document
AnasAbdin
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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DEAR READER
JVL
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@charlie-lima
Lack of self confidence.
Sometimes I look at myself and wish I could see what other people see, when they look at me.
I hate who I see in the mirror.
People have said, “girl you’re crazy! What do you mean?! I don’t see what you’re talking about.” And I feel like they’re lying. One of those, being nice comments because they don’t want to tell me the truth.
I hate who I see in the mirror.
They can’t possibly NOT see what I see.
Because really...I hate who I see in the mirror.
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THEN IT HIT ME.
So. I’ve been working on my confidence and my friend has been keeping me accountable. We started this thing, “Confidence Challenge” where everyday there’s a question for an entire month about what you like about yourself, like “What’s the last thing that made you smile” ... “What’s a habit you like about yourself” ... “What part of your personality do you like” ... etc. I thought it was stupid at first. I thought, jee wizz here’s any ordinary challenge found on pinterest that wont really do anything. But I did it anyway. The first few days were surprisingly difficult. The first question was “What’s a facial feature that you like on yourself.” and I couldn’t think of anything. We try to answer each other in the morning, but this was day one and it already took me into the afternoon because I still didn’t know what I liked. However, if you asked me what I didn’t like about myself? I would list those in a heartbeat. Days go by and we’re at 19 and it finally hit me. I DON’T REALLY LIKE MYSELF.
I thought I at least thought something of myself, but I don’t. AND THATS THE PROBLEM. I did the challenge thinking it was stupid, but I didn’t know it was an actual problem that I have. I have an issue with confidence, self love, and self appreciation. I don’t give myself enough credit for anything. I’ve heard numerous times how I’m hard on myself. I mean, I knew that I was, I just didn’t know the extent until a close friend told me. I took my PT test the other day. I typically max out my push-ups, sit-ups, get measured at a 26inch or below waist, and run between 12-13min for my 1.5 mile run..... this year has been my worse PT I’ve done in my 11 years in the Air Force. I knew that it would only be my fault though, because I wasn’t preparing the way I normally would. I have reasons, but it felt more like excuses. I already expected to get no more than 30 something pushups. I already expected to get no more than 35 something sit ups. I already expected to run no faster than 14:25 min. I already expected to get high 80′s or just barely making 90.
My husband paced me the entire time and then two close friends joined us for my last lap. When it was all said and done, I got “congratulations it’s over!” i got “great job! you pushed so hard!” I got “You did it, you got what you wanted!” I got “I’m proud of you!” but I still went to my husband and I told him I’m sorry. He asked my why I was sorry. I told him I know you wanted me to run faster. He told me I didn’t need to be sorry for anything or to anyone. That I did better than I thought on all of it and I still got a 90. I reached my goal and above my own expectations, so why do I need to say sorry. THEN IT HIT ME. I’m hard on myself because I feel like everyone wants me to be a certain way. I feel like everyone expects better from me. That my best isn’t good enough. Since I dont ever feel good enough, I don’t love myself for who I am.
YOU GUYS. I traced it back to my parents. I’ve always done my best, but at the end of the day, to them, they always told me “this grade is good, but it’s not good enough.” / “why do you dress like that? it’s not good enough” / “why can’t you be like your cousin?” / “why cant you be like your brother?” ... nothing was ever good enough.
THAT MESSES YOU UP MAN! I don’t care who you are. Hearing that your entire life on top of constantly being cheated on, left, lied to, and STILL being compared to other people ... How can someone ever feel ENOUGH?!
It’s going to be hard. It’s going to take a lot of mental work and some coaching, but I know now ...
I. AM. GOOD ENOUGH.
MY best is the best, because it’s MINE. I know what I am capable of and I know my strengths. I know where I can do better in things and I know what I can improve. Just because I have things that I can work on, does NOT mean that I am not good enough. “YOUR MIND IS A GARDEN. YOUR THOUGHTS ARE SEEDS. YOU CAN GROW FLOWERS, OR YOU CAN GROW WEEDS.”
HAH;
Ok. I guess I’ll keep it anyway.
HOLY CRAP.
I forgot about my tumblr. Hey y’all. Let me know if you’re still following me. I may or may not delete this.
When your fam looks out for you, so you don’t get that mat herp derp 🤙🏽 #TheArmBarSoapCompany #AfterTrainingSoap #AfterTrainingShampoo #BJJ #jiujitsulifestyle #RollSteadyCo #TravisBJJ #IvanSakamotoBJJ #CaliToOki #Okinawa #RunOki #Japan
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Letting my knee heal keeps me from sparring, but it can't keep me from technique and drilling. #TravisBJJ #OneJiuJitsu #bjj #jiujitsu #jiujitsulifestyle #supportwomensbjj #militarygrapplers #drill #technique #93brand #xguard #shoyoroll #OSS
About last night \000/ #TravisBJJ #bjj #jiujitsu #jiujitsulifestyle #tatami #tatamifightwear #ctrl #ctrlindustries #shoyoroll #RVCA #onejiujitsu #militarygrapplers #fridaynight #supportwomensbjj #OSS
You're never too busy to make time for yourself. #TravisBJJ #OneJiuJitsu #bjj #jiujitsulifestyle #supportwomensbjj #OSS
My brothers \000/ #TravisBJJ #bjj #jiujitsu #jiujitsulifestyle #tatamifightwear #tatami #newazaapparel #newaza #ponyclubgrapplinggear #pcgg #xguard #xguardfightwear #militarygrapplers #nogi #noproblem #supportwomensbjj #OSS
XCIX 'til 👯🌋 #mandala #peonies #tattoo #tsunamitattoo #tacomatattoo #ink #99CuzWeCan #99Til #HPL4L #BestBro
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Be easy CA, I'm WA bound. #ctrl #ctrlindustries #ctrlthegame #TravisBJJ #bjj #brazilianjiujitsu #jiujitsulifestyle #supportwomensbjj #OSS #4thOfJulyWeekend #CAtoWA #253 #PNW
Came home to these babies today!! Huge thank you to @nous_defions and #shoyoroll for supporting those who serve in the Military. On behalf of all #militarygrapplers we truly appreciate the support, thoughts, and prayers! It's always a thrill trying to cop something from @bjjhq that's my size lol but I was finally able to snatch my first @93brand gi !! Can't wait to try them on 🙌🏽 #TravisBjj #shoyorollbrand #nousdefions #nousdefionsusa #nousdefionsbjj #93brand #93brandkimonos #93brandbjj #strassedenim #denim #bjj #jiujitsulifestyle #OSS #newgismell #supportwomensbjj
Therapy. About to pretend @david_vs_goliath is Course 15 #TravisBJJ #bjj #jiujitsulifestyle #supportwomensbjj #therapy #escape #stressrelief #xguardbrand #moyabrand #ctrl #ctrlindustries #brownbelt #bluebelt #allblueeverything
Felt good to be on the mats, but I'm definitely out of shape. #TravisBJJ #militarygrappler #bjj #jiujitsulifestyle #supportwomensbjj #OSS
When @kbjiujitsu encourages you the only person you're striving to be better than is with yourself, you hit up your coach for some mat time to take off some "mat rust" \000/ #TravisBJJ #KristinaBarlaan #supportwomenbjj #brazilianjiujitsu #bjj #jiujitsulifestyle #militarygrappler #bluebelt #newaza #newazaapparel #oss
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
As painful as both gauntlets were, it was unexplainably worth every second of it. I am honored to be one of the first female BLUE BELTS under @david_vs_goliath of #TravisBJJ 🙌🏼💙 #lotusclub #girlsingis #bluebelt #promotion #gauntlet #fightfam #SupportWomenBJJ #bjjgirls #bjjlifestyle #jiujitsu #jiujitsulifestyle #scramblebrand #newaza #newazaapparel #tatami #honeybadger #xguard #xguardbrand @newazaapparel @scramblebrandofficial @xguard @tatamifightwear
One thing ppl don't know about me, is that I was immensely depressed when I first moved to CA. With personal battles, a death in the family, and the military way of life having to leave friends behind, I feel in an unexplainable dark hole. I convinced myself that no one would care or even noticed if I were gone. Months past and I met @marknavarro408 who told me EVERY DAY about #TravisBJJ. Kept telling me to get out of my place, meet new people, try new things. After numerous excuses, I caved in. Since then, my instructor @david_vs_goliath along with my teammates, gave me a sense of belonging. Because of #BJJ I found myself for the first time. I found a family. I found a sense of confidence I never knew I had. I learned how to control my thoughts. Jiu jitsu is a life style. You don't sit in a bad situation and allow yourself to be defeated. You shrimp, you move your hips, you grip something, and YOU change your position. Just like in life, don't get stuck in a dark place when everything seems to be falling beneath you...you take control of your thoughts, grab a hold of something, and get out. My true statement as to why I do #jiujitsu , is because #JiuJitsuSavedMyLife . OSS!!! #newaza #newazaapparel #NewazaRedOctober #TravisBJJ #lotusclub #bjjlifestyle #bjjgirls #supportwomensbjj #girlsingis #fightfam #OSS