VIVSCIOUS

We should have made it

You were made for me

My heart is crying.

for the one I love has shattered me

the one who sees me the least of all

mirror is broken, goodness for emptiness

my fingers tremble

sharp nails yet soft skin

So I get scared, and I go back to the familiar. I go back to numbness. Until the numbness turns into pain. And it starts all over again. 

I think of you now and I feel anger. Actual anger. Mad at the way you spoke to me. Angry at the accusations. Frustrated with the finger pointing. How could you even think this of me? All the time and love and truth I’ve devoted to you? Betrayal. that was what it felt like. I’ve never felt so unseen. I’ve never felt so grotesquely painted. Who did you think I was? I’m such a good girl, but for what? Yes, you did disappoint me. But did you even know me. Did you even love me as I was as you had said. If i was the evil manipulative sociopath you believed me to be. These words did not feel like love. They felt like swords. Cuts to my love and wounds to my care. I feel as if I’m sinking. I feel as if I’ll be forever numb. Numb will become my natural state. I spend so much time fighting it but every time I’ve let the walls down, I’ve been proven otherwise. It’s got me wondering, is it me? Why do I even try my best? Why do I even love and trust the way that I do? Everything feels pointless now. Water which had hydrated me now tastes flat and stale. The texture ice cream tastes grainy and manipulative.