The Chaplain's Way

by Chaplain Jeffrey Wolfe

Death notifications are challenging tasks for Law Enforcement Chaplains. They deliver heartbreaking news to families about the loss of their loved ones. Typically, the local Coroner’s office handles most deaths, but sometimes, they request a Police Chaplain to make the death notification.

Here are some crucial points to remember when making a Death Notification:

1. Confirm the Coroner's Positive ID

Upon receiving a call from the Coroner’s Office, confirm if they have a positive ID of the deceased. To prevent mistakes, ask how the identification was made. Common methods include fingerprint, facial identification, dental records, and DNA.

2. Gather Accurate Details of the Decedent and the Incident

Accuracy is vital. Ensure you have correct details such as the decedent’s full name, birth date, time of death, residence, cause of death, and the Coroner's details.

3. Request Assistance from a District Car

For safety reasons, always request a district car's assistance when going to notify the next of kin.

4. Be Cautious when Knocking on the Door

Wait for the district car to arrive and then inform the officer about the death notification details. Always stand to the side of the door when knocking.

5. Show Your Credentials

When the door opens, identify yourself clearly and show your credentials.

6. Confirm You are Speaking to the Legal Next of Kin

After identifying yourself, confirm if you're talking to the legal next of kin before delivering the news.

7. Don’t Give the Death Notification at the Front Door

Ask for permission to come inside the house. This is a matter of respect and privacy for the family.

8. Be Direct with the Death Notification

Start by saying, “I have some bad news for you” to prepare the person for the upcoming information. Use explicit words like “died” or “killed” to kickstart the grieving process.

9. Know the Family's Cultural and Religious Practices

Understand the grieving processes and death rituals of the family's religion or culture to show respect and avoid misunderstanding.

Continuous learning about other faiths, local resources, and enhancing chaplain skills is crucial in this line of work.

Checklist:

Checklist:

[ ] Confirm the Coroner's Positive ID

[ ] Gather Accurate Details of the Decedent and the Incident

[ ] Request Assistance from a District Car

[ ] Be Cautious when Knocking on the Door

[ ] Show Your Credentials

[ ] Confirm You are Speaking to the Legal Next of Kin

[ ] Don’t Give the Death Notification at the Front Door

[ ] Be Direct with the Death Notification

[ ] Know the Family's Cultural and Religious Practices

[ ] Continue learning about other faiths, local resources, and enhancing chaplain skills

Note: One of the courses required for the Basic Chaplain Credential within the International Conference of Police Chaplains is called Death Notifications. Make sure you go through proper training and even observe an actual death notification before attempting to make your first notification solo (with an officer).

About the Author

Thank you all for joining the Police Chaplain Coffee Shop and supporting our work at ChaplainUSA.org. 

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If some content is not shared, it is NOT because we object to religious content, but rather that we want to keep this small corner of the internet focused on chaplain training. 

Doing so helps us reach more chaplains and more members of the law enforcement community. 

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Police chaplain know how vital a service dog is to the people who depend on them. Chaplains can be educators to the public about the relationship between these wonder companions and the disabled. To help fill in the holes, here are the top 10 things Service Dog handlers want every member of the public to know and understand.

1.) My Service Dog Is Working

When you see my partner and I out and about in public, please understand that she’s doing vital work for me, even if she doesn’t “look like” she’s working to you. Just like when you’re working, she just wants (and needs) to be left alone to do her job. Please don’t distract my Service Dog from her job by yelling at her, talking to her, using baby talk at her, touching her, touching her equipment, crowding her, whistling at her, barking at her or otherwise doing anything except politely ignoring her.

2.) My Service Dog Is My Lifeline

Depending on my disability, my Service Dog may be the only thing standing between me and death. She’s my lifeline and she means the world to me. Please don’t distract her from doing her job or her tasks because my life, health, and peace of mind, rests in her paws. If you distract her and she isn’t able to respond appropriately, my ensuing illness or injury is YOUR fault. Please just ignore her entirely and let her focus on her job, which is keeping me safe.

3.) My Medical History Is Private

Please don’t ask me about my diagnosis, try to guess the reason I have a Service Dog, or ask me to disclose my private medical history. Even if you can’t readily tell what my disability may be, it’s really none of your business. Making inquiries about personal information is not only uncalled for, it’s very rude.

4.) I Don’t Always Want to Answer Questions

My Service Dog has made a huge difference in my life, but I don’t always want to stop and talk to every single person who wants to ask me about her. Sometimes, I just want to run a quick errand and go home, just like you. Please keep in mind that almost every person who sees me out in public with my Service Dog wants to ask me about her job, her purpose, her name, her breed, where she was trained, what she does, how old she is, and a plethora of other questions. Please don’t be offended if I’m slightly short or dodge your questions. Most of the time, they’re personal questions anyways and shouldn’t be asked.

5.) Not All Service Dogs Are The Same

Service Dogs come in all shapes, sizes, breeds, colors, coat types and specialties. You cannot identify one by sight alone and it doesn’t matter if you think my partner doesn’t “look like” a Service Dog. Unfortunately as well, fake Service Dogs are relatively common, and they do a lot of damage to legitimate teams. Please don’t judge my obviously well-trained, well-mannered, quiet, well-groomed, highly responsive Service Dog based on the behavior of some yappy, smelly, aggressive little mongrel someone claimed was a “Service Dog.” Behavior tells all, and I ask that you not compare me to any other Service Dog handlers or teams you may know or may have met, because not all Service Dogs are the same.

6.) My Service Dog Is Loved

Please don’t tell me you “feel sorry” for my Service Dog because she has to work all the time. She’s incredibly loved and she does in fact enjoy “time off” so she can just be a dog. She does get treats, she does get to play and sometimes, when she’s off duty, she enjoys getting the “zoomies” and running around in massive circles like she’s lost her connection to the mothership and she’s trying to re-establish the signal. She’s very well taken care of and she’s better off than most pet dogs because she’s well-adjusted, highly trained and well socialized.

7.) My Service Dog Is Medical Equipment

My Service Dog is medical equipment, just like a wheelchair, crutches or an oxygen tank. She is medically necessary and anywhere in public medical equipment is allowed, so is my Service Dog. Additionally, please treat her like medical equipment. You wouldn’t walk up to someone you didn’t know and just randomly start pushing their wheelchair or talk to a little old lady’s cane, so please don’t touch, talk to, pet or otherwise engage with my partner.

8.) My Service Dog Is Protected Under Law

United States federal law protects my Service Dog’s access rights. Federal law allows my Service Dog and I to go ANYWHERE in public people are allowed to frequent. There are no exceptions, and we don’t care if food is being made, it’s a hospital or you don’t want dogs in your business. Federal law gives my Service Dog COMPLETE access, and your opinion doesn’t matter. The only times my Service Dog could be excluded from any public place is if she’s not house trained or is out of control and I’m not doing anything about it, and neither of those would EVER be an issue.

9.) There Is No Certification Required

There are no papers, documentation, ID, certification, or other required information of any kind for me to have my partner in public with me. Not only is there no documentation necessary, but it’s illegal for you to ask for any. If you’re a business owner and you’re not certain my partner is a Service Dog, then you may ONLY ask two questions: if my partner is a Service Dog, and what work my partner does for me. That’s all. You can’t ask for my private medical information, request “paperwork” or do anything except ask me those two questions.

10.) I’d Rather Not Have A Service Dog

There is something spiritual about joy.

A rich mixture of happiness, delight, gladness, and wonder combine in our depths to create a sense of reverence and awe.

That's the difference. It is like refraction of light through a glass prism The light is bent and deviated, leaving the prism as a rainbow. Joy changes us and everyone around us.

We have been told over and over again that wealth and wellbeing are one and the same.

Can it really be that money and the economy are what hold the keys to our happiness and morality?

A humanitarian and author I admire thinks not.

Gregory Boyle, who lives and works with gang members in Los Angeles, said during a conference in Memphis that there is a much more meaningful path to follow;

It’s where the joy is, follow the joy, it’s about the joy

Georgia O’Keeffe, the artist known for her striking perspectives and innovations was asked in an interview about why flower petals and other small objects were magnified making them appear larger than mountains or skyscrapers in her landscapes.

She replied that "Everyone sees the big things, but these smaller things are so beautiful and people might not notice them if I didn't emphasize them."

Miracles can be found everywhere if only we pay attention.

When embraced and appreciated fully we will experience the internal and eternal presence of authentic joy.

The awe of joy, that refracted rainbow, leads to our heart of hearts, our true selves, where God is always waiting with open arms. I've experienced such bliss at the birth of my children and grandchildren or while hiking the Blue Ridge Mountains to sit at the base of a 'hidden' waterfall.

I feel it while sitting in the living room with my wife and hear it in the voices of old friends over the phone. The world stops for a moment and what is important becomes clear. I witnessed one of those times at the former Children's Home of Vermilion County in Danville, Illinois.

As a child care worker, I had joined in an effort with other service providers to reunite four children ages 6-12 with their mother. They had lived at the facility for over a year with no family contact allowed due to allegations of abuse from the father and negligence of responsibility by the mother.

Even after the father was safely in prison and mother was cleared of all related charges, the State of Illinois DCFS was unwilling to bring them back together. Six months of diligent pleas and hard work finally resulted in a softening of their position.

On Christmas Eve there was a group banquet and gift exchange for the kids and staff in the main dining area. As a local church choir sang "O Holy Night" the mother of our four kids appeared from behind the lights and garland at the doorway. The youngest boy looked up and shouted "MAMA" followed by shrieks from his brother and sisters.

They rushed together in a group hug that almost knocked mother down. The incredible radiance which filled them spilled over to us all. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. It cannot be denied that this moment manifested the awe of joy.

Only humans “dream things that never were” and “say ‘Why not?’ ” as George Bernard Shaw famously put it. This capacity gives us flying machines and pocket computers. It also gives us rising suicide rates in countries around the globe, from the United States to India to New Zealand. 

To be unhappy enough to end it all, a person must first imagine a condition of greater happiness, then lose hope that the greater happiness can be achieved. 

Because there is no limit to human imagination, there is never a shortage of greener pastures. 

A strong case can be made that modern society does a poor job of preparing 21st-century humans for the inevitable ebb and flow of discontent. Indeed, British therapist and philosopher James ­Davies has buttressed that case formidably in a scholarly tome titled “The Importance of Suffering.” 

Davies argues that we have created a culture that assumes happiness to be the normal, healthy human condition. Deviations from the blissful path — sadness, anxiety, disappointment — are thus treated as illnesses in search of a cure. This “harmful cultural belief that much of our everyday suffering is a damaging encumbrance best swiftly removed” gets in the way of a more robust response, he writes: namely, approaching unpleasant emotions as “potentially productive experiences to be engaged with and learnt from.”

Davies suggests that suffering is a healthy call-to-change and shouldn't be chemically anesthetised or avoided. 

The Importance of Suffering offers new ways to think about, and therefore understand suffering. It will appeal to anyone who works with suffering in a professional context.

Worry, Stress and Anxiety: Here's How to Explain the Difference

It seems that most all of us could use a new pair of glasses!

The lenses we have in place no longer provide clear, joyful images which enable us to stand in awe. They've become cloudy and scratched over time by resentment and judgment. Under these conditions, with our sight so badly obstructed, it's hard to appreciate the majesty of our surroundings and magnificence of one another. A vision checkup is in order.

Mother took me to a local optometrist when I was twelve years old. My complaints about poor vision were met with some doubt due to the fact that my best friend had just gotten some glasses. She figured that I wanted a pair to be like him. Dr. Harry Janoff's assurance that my eyes were pretty weak did little to convince her of my need. It wasn't until we were driving home, with me wearing the new specs, that she became a believer.

I looked out at the passing countryside and wondered aloud if everyone was was able to see leaves on trees without being close to them. Mom had to pull the car over to wipe away her tears. Her apologies to me were begrudgingly accepted, but my well deserved vindication paled in comparison to the wondrous details of the new world around me.

If we do take the step of getting that new pair of glasses, we will become overwhelmed with a desire for inspection and introspection. The way we look at things and how we see ourselves will be dramatically changed. There probably will come a tendency to be critical of the way things were in the past and we must be cautious in applying our newfound perspective in hindsight. The world today is quite different than it was fifty or one hundred years ago. As my 1969 high school reunion comes closer, that fact becomes clearer by the moment. We were a fun bunch of mischievous kids but what was tolerated by adults back then might be fodder for news reports today.

The new lenses we wear will open up a world which must be received not only by embracing the grandeur but should be mixed with a spirit of acceptance. A physician who struggled with drug and alcohol use became a contributor to the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. His writing has been a touchstone of recovery for countless people. At the end of his story, he wrote saying; "I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance."

While grumbling, fault-finding, and name calling are so commonplace, it seems like good words, well wishes and blessings are in short supply. We are starved for an unceasing, free-flowing benediction from the mouths of every religious leader, governmental representative, media personality, teacher, and employer. In fact, each and every one of us needs to stop the malediction (Latin; evil speaking) once and for all. It poses a real threat to the future and well-being of our world.

I remember being a boy at First Presbyterian Church in Danville, Illinois struggling through sermons, anticipating the Charge and Benediction. I was thinking more about the cavalry charge from a western movie than a mission call from the alter. When the benediction blessing came saying; "May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace" to me it meant we were set free. Charge! My mother could hardly restrain me as my suit jacket ripped off in mid-flight to the car. There was still time to play a game of kick the can when we got home. Then it was off to my grandparents for Sunday dinner.

We can bring a message of hope and joy where we might have inflicted damage and beaten others down in the past.

“There was literally nothing enjoyable about the job. You’d go into work at 9am every morning, turn on your computer and watch someone have their head cut off. Every day, every minute, that’s what you see. Heads being cut off.”

That’s how one man, who wished to remain anonymous, characterized his job as a content moderator at Facebook.

“We were underpaid and undervalued,” said the man, who earned roughly $15 per hour removing terrorist content from the social network after a two-week training course.

Pictures, videos, profiles and groups would be flagged either by users or algorithms to review, and his team would decide if they needed to be removed or escalated.

“Every day people would have to visit psychologists. Some couldn’t sleep or they had nightmares.”

Psychologists say that the emotional toll of looking at extreme imagery, whether violent terrorist acts or child sexual abuse, can be punishing.

Workers exposed to such content should have extensive resiliency training and access to counsellors, akin to the support that first-responders receive.

However, testimony from those working to keep beheadings, bestiality and child sexual abuse images off Facebook indicates that the support provided isn’t enough.

“The training and support was absolutely not sufficient,” said the analyst, who worked at a company contracted by Facebook to moderate content.

Facebook company spokeswoman said:

"Every day people would have to visit psychologists. Some couldn’t sleep or they had nightmares. We recognize that this work can often be difficult. That is why every person reviewing Facebook content is offered psychological support and wellness resources.”

Can more be done?

According to Rabbi Avram Mlotek, the answer is YES.

Rabbi, writer and co-founder of Base Hillel, Avram Mlotek is a longtime advocate of using chaplains in Silicon Valley

From Rabbi Avram Mlotek’s recent essay: Why it’s time for Silicon Valley start hiring chaplains:

I am a rabbi, so social media is not my primary operating system. Nevertheless — like billions of other people on Earth — I’m a Facebook, Twitter and Instagram user. Why shouldn’t a sermon reverberate across as many virtual channels as possible? Our globe is interconnected like never before because of such advances in technology, and that is something to be celebrated.

" Our spiritual lives have suffered as technology use has expanded. We’ve forgotten how to pause, to look up from the screen, to see and be seen."  -- Rabbi Mlotek

Still, the obvious needs stating: Our spiritual lives have suffered as technology use has expanded. We’ve forgotten how to pause, to look up from the screen, to see and be seen. The ethics of the internet corrode as quickly as they develop.

The onus of responsibility for reevaluating the effects of technology should not lie solely upon users; the providers of this technology share this responsibility too. After all, we occupy this new virtual landscape together. This symbiotic relationship is paralleled in Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism: The mekabel, receiver, can only receive insomuch as the mashpia, provider, can readily give.

That’s why it’s time for Silicon Valley to start hiring chaplains.

Chaplains work on-site in hospitals, prisons and social service agencies providing spiritual care to all — nurses as well as patients, guards as well as prisoners, staff as well as clients. It’s not so farfetched. Technology companies host gyms, massage therapists, keynote speakers and meditation spaces to contribute to the wellbeing of their employees. Why not chaplains too?

We are not in the habit of welcoming or celebrating death and loss.  It seems counter-intuitive or just plain wrong on so many levels.   We aren't ready to grieve and mourn regardless of how well we've been prepared. Planning and anticipation might set the stage for loss, but when it comes there is little which has been done that truly relieves the suffering. I remember when my paternal grandfather died at age 97.  He had lived an active, happy and virtuous life to its fullest.  But it was the only time I saw my father cry.

Western culture tends to divide things into either-or's as opposed to both-and's.  This two-ends-of-a-spectrum, dualistic thinking leaves little space in the middle and narrows wiggle room for processing death, loss, and suffering leaving only simple opposing choices.  Either you are happy or sad, angry or forgiving, beginning or ending, grieving or celebrating.

The dualistic mind wants everything to be black or white. And, in reality, isn't it interesting that black and white are so much alike? On the color wheel, black is the presence of all color and white is the absence of all color. But on the light spectrum white is the presence of all color and black is the absence. Maybe God is trying to tell us something. Eastern cultures and religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism practice non-dualism. And Christian mystics have long understood the value of oneness.

When it comes to grief and celebration, the two are never far apart at all.  Many traditional funerals with somber open casket viewings and formal services are often set aside for Celebration of Life memorials.  Stories of good times and bad are offered by family and friends who might gather over a banquet table with cocktails and luscious desserts.  Laughter and tears share the same space. Such gatherings create an atmosphere conducive to healing.  The dark specter of loss and finality gives way to the possibility of new beginnings.

There is a beautiful, hopeful and certainly non-dualistic verse attributed to Henry Van Dyke or Luther F. Beecher that was presented to me when I was volunteering at an AIDS hospice in 1992.  It sums up for me what loss, grief, and death are all about.

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."Gone where? Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone, "there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

New Perspectives on Grief and Loss

Rabbi Moshe Scheiner offers a simple but challenging way out of the darkness of anger and hate in modern life. Born and raised in Brooklyn, Rabbi Moshe Scheiner is the founding Rabbi of the Palm Beach Synagogue in Palm Beach, Florida.

He holds a Masters degree of Talmudic studies and Jewish philosophy from the Rabbinical College of America. Rabbi Scheiner resides in Palm Beach with his Rebbetzin, Dinie and their six children.

By Robert Kenneth Jones

The time comes when someone you love suffers a significant loss. You want to be that person they look to for comfort and support, but knowing what actions are helpful and which are not is never easy.

While pondering what to do, I propose the following two things as top priorities:

Thing One: Be there. Your first and foremost responsibility is to show up when you live nearby.  There is no reason for a call to announce your coming. If nobody is at home, leave a note at the front door saying you stopped by and that you'll be back later in the day.  

You don't have to bring anything but yourself when you do connect.  

Sit down with the person and listen.  

Touch a shoulder, pat a hand and keep your advice to yourself.

For those who live far away, make the phone call and listen, listen, listen.

Thing Two: Commit. After your initial contact, construct a plan for helping.  It is not necessary to ask for approval from anyone.  If what you are doing is unwanted you'll find out.  Keep it simple and promise yourself to do things beyond the immediate time of loss.  Cook some meals and freeze some more.  

Clean up the kitchen.

Help pack bags or boxes.

Get a several 'Thinking of You' cards and send them over a period of weeks.  

Take your loved one out to a movie.

Have them over for drinks.  

Send little care packages if you aren't able to come in person...and keep calling on the phone.

5 Don’ts When Helping Someone in Grief (Digital Download)

We also created a list of 5 Don’ts When Helping Someone in Grief. Because this information is worth sharing with others, we have published the list in an easy to download PDF.