thought gasoline was on my clothes

21. How do they display affection?: He's very physical with his affection, unsure how else to display it. Changmin is very touch starved after years of absolutely no human contact, so he wants to be close to everyone he loves and make sure they know he cares.

31. Are they superstitious about anything?: Not really, he knows bad things happen without anything else showing that they will.

41. Are they comfortable with technology?: Changmin is pretty comfortable with it, although it took about a year for him to learn how to use it properly.

51. If they knew they would die tomorrow, what would they do today?: Spend time with his family, hands down. He loves them more than the world, and absolutely would want to spend every last second with them.

61. Does your character prefer adventure or safety and security?: With Changmin, it's a bit of a mixed bag. He wants to do fun things that he never got to do before, things that could be considered dangerous, but also appreciates the safety of his home and family.

71. How kind is your character?: Refusing to be anything like his parents, Changmin tries his hardest to be the kindest person he can to those who deserve it. He'll give the last dollar he has to someone who needs it, buy whatever another person may need, save whoever he can in whatever way they need it.

81. Is your character religious?: No, he believes that if there was a higher power, there is no way they'd let the things that happened to him to occur.

91. What type of music does your character like?: For the most part, he gravitates towards angry rock music and sad songs that help him get out his feelings. He'll sing along to the songs with every emotion it makes him feel.

25. What do they consider beautiful in others personality-wise?: Changmin finds it incredible when someone is strong, yet has the ability to be vulnerable around others still. As someone with a lot of pain himself, he knows how much it is needed to be vulnerable sometimes, and strong when it is required.

35. What is the most important rule your character lives by?: Due to his past, Changmin fully believes in not hurting the innocent. He refuses to get in fights with anyone who doesn't deserve it and will make absolutely sure whoever he gets in a fight with is someone who is causing trouble or discomfort for another.

45. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions?: Changmin suffers from night terrors and sleep paralysis from his mental state and his past, but other than that, no.

55. Is your character an introvert or extrovert?: Neither really, he's more of an omnivert. Changmin does need people to interact with, but after a few days of being social, he needs time to recharge. For the most part however, he leans more towards being an extrovert.

5. Is your character better at leading or following? Which do they prefer?: Changmin has never considered himself a leader, and he much prefers to follow. He doesn't have nearly enough confidence to lead anybody, not even himself.

75. Is your character ticklish?: Very ticklish. If someone even brushes their fingers against his side, he'll end up jolting away and giggling.

85. Describe your character in three words: Compassionate, emotional, hypercritical (only of himself).

The crying had started up again, a mix of self disgust and regret washing over him like a violent wave from the sea as he stood on the shoreline, soaking him in emotions he didn’t want to feel. Changmin hadn’t been able to numb himself since the day he ran away from that burning building, and oh god how he missed it sometimes. Now the feelings and emotions would just overtake him, making it hard to get through to the next day. He wouldn’t try to kill himself, no, that didn’t work the last time he tried and things were different now. He had a loving family, people who actually cared about him and his life.

That didn’t stop him from being as reckless as he was, didn’t stop him from getting in fights with people who would obviously win even if he was stronger than he was. However he tried, he really tried to find peace in the fact he had his family now, how he had people that truly loved him. Changmin heard the soft jingle of keys and the lock click as it was turned, the sound of the door opening. He couldn’t bring himself to look up to see who had come home, couldn’t stop the crying even though he wanted to. I’ve put everyone through enough of this, yet here I am again, bothering them with another crying fit. Another wave of self disgust hit him, making the crying worse. He just couldn’t stop it.

Changmin felt the couch next to him move as someone sat next to him, felt arms wrap around him and bring him into a hug. “Il mio topolino, what’s wrong?” It was Angelo, the man he chose to call dad, the one who deserved the title and brought him into his home, adopted him, claimed him as his own. He spilled all the thoughts running through his mind to the older male, how he wanted to regret what he had done and how he knew he did what he needed to do, how bad his self disgust had become today, how he wished there was another way and how he knew there wasn’t. Changmin let out everything, managing the words between sobs as Angelo ran his fingers through the younger males hair, listening to every word until Changmin was finished.

Soka hadn’t really asked any questions yet, not that Changmin would be willing or be able to answer them at that point, and guided him to the couch in their living room. He knew Soka, even then it had been quite a few years since they had last seen each other, since he had last escaped to her house. The man with the kind eyes walked into the room soon after that, asking who had showed up before his eyes quickly darted to Changmin, and immediately left, bringing him back clothing that was much to big for the younger male, telling him to go take a bath that he had already drawn for him, directing him to where the bathroom was.

Changmin, still in his trance, obeyed and made his way slowly to the bathroom. Once he was in there, he got in the bath that was drawn for him, turning on the hot water, throwing all his dirty clothes on the floor and climbing in the burning hot bath. He stayed in there for a while, hearing voices whisper, what he assumed was Soka, the kind-eyed man, and Soka’s father. There didn’t seem to be anyone else there, which gave Changmin some sort of comfort. The fiery hot bath pulled him out of his haze, only slowly starting to realize exactly what he had done, what horrors he’d been through now that it was all over. No, no, he wasn’t ready to feel anything yet. It would be too much for him to handle alone.

Changmin had thrown on the clothes that he essentially drowned in, trying his hardest not to think, not to feel. He walked past the three in the kitchen, helping the kind-eyed man make something that smelled incredible, the hunger pains coming back from when he had first arrived at their place. He had been in too much of a catatonic state to truly notice them much before, but now that Changmin had been pulled from that state, he only just then realized exactly how hungry he actually was. The kindhearted older brother, he had since learned that his name was Luci, took his hand and gently guided him to their dining room table.

Changmin realized only then how he had lost time sitting on that couch, all the food they made being ready on the table by the time he was sat down. The boy had asked Luci many times if he was absolutely sure Changmin could eat as much as he wanted, and he was reassured each time with patience in the older mans voice that it was completely fine. After about the fifth or sixth time he asked and was comforted and told that it was okay, Changmin took something from every dish, putting as much as he could of each one on his plate and quickly ate all of it, however trying to be slow enough as to not make himself sick. He hadn’t had a homemade meal like this since he lived with his grandmother until he was eight, each bite better than the last. 

Once Changmin had eaten his fill, he immediately returned to the couch in the living room, his nerves acting up once more. The three were whispering again for a few seconds before the voices stopped. Angelo, Soka’s father, approached him at first, though Changmin was instantly terrified as his fear of any sort of father figure frightened him kicked in. The older male could see it on his face, and instantly backed away towards the kitchen again.

“He’s scared of Dad. Luci, you go. I doubt he’ll tell me anything, he wouldn’t when we were younger.” 

Changmin recognized that as Soka’s voice, although the trance he was in before was starting to act up again. He didn’t want to feel anything, and it was sending him back into that catatonic state once again. He barely noticed the kind-eyed brother, Luci, approaching him until he sat down next to the older male and slowly, gently placed a hand on his back, causing Changmin to flinch away at first, until he realized it wasn’t meant to hurt him, however snapping him out of his daze.

“What.. happened exactly?” 

Changmin shook his head and glanced at Soka and Angelo listening in from the kitchen, Luci realizing what he meant and waved the other two off. Once they had left, the younger male started explaining, in a monotone, emotionless voice at first, starting from the beginning. Saying out loud for the first time, he spoke of his grandmother, of his father and mother and their addictions, how they forced him to clean up everything after their fights, or his fathers drug induced tantrums. When the beatings started, how they became worse over time. The nights he was locked in the small closet. As his story continued, the more emotions started flooding out. Before Changmin realized, he was sobbing however still able to get the words out, Luci’s arms wrapped around him in a tight hug.

Trying to get his emotions under control and failing, Changmin was only able to get the end of the story out, how his father broke four fingers on his left hand, how he stole money from his parents, how he drenched them and the house in gasoline, how he lit it all up and danced, crying and laughing in the street in front of the house until he could hear the sirens and ran. Luci never said a word the whole time he spoke, only saying something once Changmin didn’t say anymore. 

“It’s okay, no one can hurt you now. Hyungs got you, they can’t hurt you now. You’re safe now.”

It was then that Changmin broke completely, painful sobs wracking his body with such force that he wasn’t able to do much except lean on Luci who still had his arms around him tightly, and eventually curling into a ball so tight all he could do was lay his head on the older mans lap, crying his eyes out so hard they burned, the not broken fingers gripping tightly to Luci’s shirt as he sobbed into it. At some point he managed through the sobs that the older man could tell Soka and Angelo, but he could not handle speaking of it again. Eventually he managed to cry himself to sleep, still on Luci’s lap, sleeping so deeply he had no dreams, at least that he could remember in the morning, finally feeling safe.

Many years had past since that day, and since then Changmins trust for Luci had only grown since then. The many nights Luci had spent holding him as he cried, never minding when the younger male woke him up at any hour of the night to talk to him about his nightmares, his sleep paralysis, or just memories that came flooding back to him and horrified him. The times he had called his hyung to pick him up from a bar when Changmin was too drunk, or after he had gotten into a fight and was too exhausted or too beat up to get home himself. 

The older man meant the world to him, and although he’d never admit it, Changmin trusted him with anything, more so than he did with Angelo, who was a very close second, Soka and Hansol who were tied for third. He had told Luci the story about every scar, at least the ones he could remember, every reason he got in a fight. He shared with his hyung all the anger he held inside him, shared every bit of sadness and terror with him. Changmin showed him the terrible drawings he had made to express what he couldn’t say, and Luci had allowed him and only him into his art studio, teaching him what paints looked like what and what each brush did. 

Changmin would create paintings, with Luci’s help at first, abstract art that he tried to show every feeling through and how his mind worked, using every color he could connect with. His hyung spent hours with him and no matter what they were doing, Changmin always felt safe with him. He could sleep just fine when he was in Luci’s arms, despite having nightmares nearly every night, reminding him about what happened to him. He had a key to Luci’s house, and would often walk himself over there just to sleep next to the older man, just to feel safe again.

It wasn’t like he didn’t feel safe at home, however Luci was the only one who could truly stop the nightmares, who had felt like home since the beginning. The one he told everything to first, the person who had given him all the patience in the world, never gotten mad at him, who always promised to protect him. While Changmin was afraid of Luci breaking his trust, the fear was small, barely there. He truly believed with all of his heart that he could always trust in his hyung, always know he would be protected, always knew that he would keep him safe to the best of his ability.

All Changmin had ever wanted, he found in Luci, in his new family, his true family. He wanted to feel safe, to be safe. His older brother was the one who showed him precisely what family was supposed to be, what it meant to care for someone and protect them with all their heart. Because of Luci, Changmin learned what the true meaning of family was. Because of him, he was able to trust in others again. Because of his hyung, he learned how to feel safe for the first time in his life. The words Luci spoke the day he ran from his burning past will stick with him forever, particularly the last sentence.

Changmin was barely 18, two years after he had run to Soka and Angelo after burning down what was his past. Angelo had only reached for something that Changmin couldn’t, and he let out a simple “Thanks dad.” The item dropped out of his hands, he couldn’t really remember what it was, and the panic set in. His legs carried him before he could even think, running him to his room where he slammed the door shut and locked it. A slip of the tongue, one he meant, one he was scared of. His grandmother was the only blood family he had, that he recognized, but he had lost her so young and was forced to go back with his horrible parents. 

But that was the past, he knew Angelo was nothing like either of them, he knew that this was his true family. Yet why was he so scared, terrified of what he had called Angelo? Changmin threw his body into his bed, loud, painful sobs came out of him as he nearly screamed them into his pillow, absolutely horrified by what he’d said. It wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door, scaring him out of his crying fit. He stopped immediately, an instinct he had developed after being beaten many times for crying, and sat up on his bed, a pathetic and broken voice leaving him as he asked who it was. A silly question, he knew it had to be Angelo. The words spoken to him went like this:

"Hey, it's okay kid. I'm not mad, I'm not offended and I'm not weirded out or anything of the sort. If that's what you want to call me, that's okay. If you don't, I understand, but if you do, that's fine. I already see you as my child, so it doesn't bother me any."

Changmin took in a shuddering breath, he wasn't sure what he expected, but for some reason he definitely wasn't expecting a response like that. The crying continued once again, but this time it was more tears of relief than anything else. He barely managed to get off his bed, the fear still active and making Changmin unsteady and shaky, but despite all that he made his way over to the door, unlocked it, opened it quickly, and wrapped his arms around Angelo. The sobbing broke out once again, this time into the older mans chest instead of Changmin's pillows, as he let out a soft, trembling voice saying:

"You are my dad, I want to call you that. You've long since earned it."