• TIED TO THE SEA.

           marina swallows hard. if he’s right about one thing, it’s that danger has become that much more prevalent, humans that much more a threat thanks to his mother. but it’s not his fault; it will never, ever be his fault, and her heart aches with how much she wishes he’d believe that. “  – … chris, listen to me. ”  he says his name gently, though with insistence,   “  i’ve never been safe on land. that’s just how it is.  ”   and she hates it. with a sigh, marina puts her other hand on his opposite shoulder and looks him in the eye, desperate for mutual understanding.     “  none of this is your fault, chris. not any of it. do you understand that?  ”

              after she watches chris in the mirror for a moment, her gaze shifts downward. she’s ashamed of her vulnerability, though perhaps she really shouldn’t be – he’s chris, after all. for whatever reason, he looks at marina like she’s his entire world.   “  sorry, ”  she offers, blush warming her cheeks when she feels the press of his lips. marina clears her throat and attempts a joke.   “  i don’t know if i should be concerned that you’re so okay with kissing a sea creature, but whatever.  ”  ( it’s only a half joke ). 

            marina looks at him tentatively before ducking her face to look at the sand. she runs her fingers through it, savors the feeling of earth & life & the area where the sea meets the land –… like them. she listens to his words and has to clear her throat. what the hell is she doing? she’s not cut out for this, but has no power to stop all the same. chris is all she has, and she can’t say she’s needed anything else since they met.

                “  – i know i do.  ”     her voice is quiet; she looks out to the waves.   “  i know. it’s just – it’s so hard, chris. you’re good at this. you get the whole … feelings thing, but i don’t. i never have, so i don’t … uh.  ”   what is she saying? marina can practically feel herself spinning in circles. “  all i know is that i feel really, really - strongly for you, okay? like, the cuddling … i like it. a lot. but that really fucking freaks me out.  ”

              he’s not sure where he would’ve been mentally without marina’s friendship over the last year or so. it almost makes him laugh, in fact, that she thinks he’s good at all this relationship stuff. but he doesn’t -- it wouldn’t quite fit the mood of their heartfelt conversation. his past attempts to find love have always sunk deep into the ocean no matter how hard he tries to keep things afloat. but with marina it’s different. she’s different.

              shit, shit. she’s not good with this. chris is the gentle one, chris is the one who always knows what to do –  chris is the one holding them together. not her. she curses who she is in that moment as her heart aches for him  ( of course there is fury, too, for his witch of a mother ; marina would bring down the hand of the sea on her if she could ). right now, all she can do is reach for his shoulder and speak firmly.      “  chris, chris. look at me. please, look at me – listen, we’ve got time; there are places to hide. you need to breathe.  ”  this isn’t your fault, this isn’t your fault.

              he’s a giant nerd, and marina loves it. she’s never known anyone so kind and unmistakably genuine ; every moment chris speaks, she finds her adoration renewed. ❝  lucky for you, i just might.  ❞   she spares a small smile before looking back at her own reflection – gaze lands on a jagged, lingering scar ( from her time as captive ) right along her hairline. the smile dies, but only slightly —– hopes he doesn’t notice. 

               oh, marina is so frustrated! – not at him, no, but at herself … at her inability to express the words so desperately swarming between her ears; at her general confusion; at her scramble to understand what it means to be human. chris deserves better.    “ no, no, chris —- you’re not listening to me ! ”    it sounds more accusatory than she’d intended, damn her.                   after a frustrated moment of silence, marina settles on the fact that she doesn’t know how to word how she feels.    “ i’m – i’m sorry. believe it or not, i don’t mean to sound so awful. what i’m trying to say – i just… ”  she looks down at the sand.  “ i really do like you, chris. please believe me. but i don’t know how to do this stuff. ”

               he’s got the looks, the body, the kind heart. really, christopher is perfect boyfriend material, but his lack of confidence in himself has prevented him many a time from following his feelings. heartbreak after heartbreak, the scientist is sensitive. hell, even marina’s seen him suffer when girls end things with him... but then things began to blossom between them. and well, it’s different. he can’t not try with her because he knows he’ll regret it if he does nothing.

             marina isn’t surprised that his immediate concern is for her well-being. his kindness, his seemingly never-ending care – it astounds her always and she’s certain she’s entirely undeserving. she swallows hard and repeats herself, “ chris, listen to me. ” tentatively she sits down a few feet from him, guilt keeping her from looking at him for too long.

                 “ i’m sorry, ”    she says quietly, watching the sunset.   “ you have to understand, i don’t … i don’t know how to … ”   dammit. marina’s tripping over her words ( per usual! ) while all she wants to express to him is how sorry she is. one hand lifts to tuck stray hair behind her ear.   “ i care about you – a whole fucking lot. more than i thought possible, chris. ”

               most everything she does catches him by surprise, throws him off guard. he’s a man that likes routine, likes the sense of security in what is known. but ever since they became friends, long before her kidnapping and use as an experiment, marina has never failed to throw his mind through a chain of hoops intent on opening up his world... into something bigger and brighter and more exciting. what chris didn’t predict, most of all, is that he would fall in love with this girl.

               she doesn’t bother trying to say anything while he leaves. there’s no doubt she’s upset him greatly – one might argue that was her intention, when in actuality she’d never wish ill upon her best friend. marina is convinced she’s pushing him away for the sake of his safety, his happiness. he deserves so much better … she flinches at the swing of the door.                     and she stays there for a long while in order to give him space ; at the same time, though, marina does some thinking. she paces, lays listless on the floor, attempts to make dinner —- but nothing works. it occurs to her that nothing will feel right so long as chris thinks marina doesn’t care for him, and it’s for this reason she decides to make a trek out to the beach ( where she can be almost sure he is ). marina bundles her hair beneath a scarf and heads out, unaccustomed to the brightness with which the sun bathes her face.                     what is she doing? hell if she knows, but marina continues anyway —— and sure enough chris is on the beach, hidden by a few straggling patches of beachgrass. she clears her throat – “ chris? ”

               ❝  it’s getting cold out, you should head inside.  ❞  it’s the first thing he says when she approaches, and he kicks himself for it. how stupid. after all they’ve said, all they’ve been through and he knows he should think about his own feelings for once -- how even being around her right now hurts, but still, he cares. after all, it isn’t really her fault, is it? if she doesn’t love him, she doesn’t love him. the end.

              she hurt him – although marina can’t look over, she can tell by the broken tone of his voice. chris, who deserves nothing but all the joy in the world ; chris, who risked everything to keep her safe. she tries to tell herself that that’s what she’s doing for him, now: keeping him safe.  there is no other way.                    ❝  yeah.  ❞   when she speaks, it comes out abnormally dry as though the word itself is forced ; it is. all marina wants to do is pour out apologies and rush into his arms, but she can’t. she’s doing this for him.   ❝  sure, whatever.  ❞ 

               she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like me. there’s nothing else he can think right now, no research, no other personal thoughts to occupy and distract his mind right now. he didn’t think he’d ever feel the sensation of drowning again, but this is getting mighty close and it has him panicking. thinking back to the day of the storm. thinking back to how his life got so much better after -- even without stepping foot in the once beloved ocean -- he met marina and things got better. they got so much better. so much.

                  she can feel her heart roaring in her chest, pounding and violent, as marina feels entirely exposed, weak in her own potential for vulnerability. she doesn’t understand why chris can’t just —— … see her for what she truly is. she is an angry coward, a creature from the sea ; and he is everything she’ll   n e v e r   deserve.                       tears burn in her eyes so she keeps facing away from him, desperate to conceal the emotion as it threatens her face. when she speaks, tone is measured, distant, cold.  ❝  i am not what you want,   ❞   she says simply.    marina trying terribly hard not to cry but it hurts so badly to lie —— i’m protecting him, she reminds herself.  i’m protecting him from what he doesn’t know.   ❝  and i am never going to be what you want.   ❞

               he knows he practically asked for this. he’s not going to force his best friend to love him back -- even if he received a bunch of confusing messages. of nights spent cuddling for comfort, of chaste kisses shared as they test the waters. but apparently, it’s an ocean of far rougher waves.  ❝  right.  ❞  there’s little point in lying. it hurts, to hear such a blunt response from the woman he loves.

                it doesn’t make any sense. chris is the most amazing, kind-hearted, genuine person she’s ever known ; brilliant too, and passionate. why he would love her, she doesn’t know —- there is no comparison between the two. marina is volatile as a storm with too many unpredictabilities to count and emotions suffocating behind walls she refuses to break - chris deserves better. 

                   ❝  i’m saying that — …  ❞  she loses traction & her words die off. focused only on chris, marina no longer moves ; just looks at him, wonders what in hell he could ever see in her. damn her emotions, but voice breaks when she speaks:   ❝  why don’t you get it? i can’t give you what you want, chris. for fuck’s sake, i’m not – i’m not human - !   ❞  she finally has to turn away at this remark. you deserve so much better. 

               it makes him mad, her poor view of herself ; why can’t she just see what he sees? this beautiful woman... mermaid. his best friend with the most brilliant mind and wit and caring soul. even if some of it is hidden behind a high, stubborn walls. none of it makes him love her any less, and with the close proximity they’ve been in since her rescue, he’s surprised the three little, yet powerful, words didn’t slip out any sooner.  ❝  stop!  ❞

            she’s still so incredibly surprised —- his words reverberate between her ears in a horrible back and forth, a clamor of disbelief. he loves her, he loves her … chris loves her. she should have known this was coming but it’s just too unbelievable ; someone like him has no reason to love something like her. 

            ❝  you don’t know me!  ❞    she accuses right back, insistent despite the trembling that trips up her last few words. frantic hands push fallen bits of brown hair away from her face.    ❝  you think you do, but you don’t. – don’t you get it, chris?! there is nothing to fucking love.  ❞

               he doesn’t regret saying what he said in the slightest. maybe the timing was off, but that doesn’t make his words any less true. he loves her, and he has done for a while. even if he thought that the emotion there was platonic to begin with... their recent struggles have only solidified to chris that something more is wanted.

             she shouldn’t be surprised. as longtime best friends, of course there’s always been strong feelings – particularly she remembers a kiss shared on the beach – but even anticipation couldn’t prepare her for the sudden vulnerability that produces a visible ache in her chest. because marina, with all her anger, distrust, and the walls she’s built … marina thinks she might love him too.                  but this scares her. she is inhuman, a wave kicked up from a roaring storm –  dangerous, and for him to love her is to offer his heart to danger. she does not know how to love and oh, no, loving marina is poisonous. it is for this terrible reason that she stares at him silently for too long. ❝ —- you –  ❞  her voice cracks ( horribly embarrassing ) but she can’t peel her gaze away ; there’s a small shake of the head, lip trembling. when she finally tries to speak again, her words are broken.                                                     ❝ – you can’t.  ❞

               the confession just slipped out, as words of emotional descent so often do from christopher’s tongue. there’s no structure found rooted in science or the realms he’s otherwise familiar -- love... love found with her is entirely new. he’d expected to let her know in a much more romantic setting, not in the middle of an argument. under the comfort of covers or over morning breakfast. not like this.

              ❝  —- no, chris. no. it’s not different!  ❞    upset, marina’s fists are clenched with white-shaded knuckles ; she’s speaking through gritted teeth, helpless to her own rage. she’d won this trait from her mother.      ❝  she’s been hurting you every day. every day. there is no fucking way i’m going to just sit here and watch!  ❞            —- a frustrated gesture to his bruising expression.    ❝  she can’t just – … get away with this. she can’t. there’s no way i’m going to end up getting fucking taken away again, so if you let me just – if you just –   ❞     a groan.       ❝    stop trying to protect me.   ❞

               this is not how he expected the day to go. palm is pressed angrily to his forehead, exhaling out a huff and wanting his friend to calm down. they both need to take a breath before things get too escalated, but her anger is fuelling his own, everything piling up on this stressful day.