Cati's Blog

I pray to God that he helps me find forgiveness to those who make me want to drop them like a hot potato. #lordhelpme #forgiveness #hotpotato

Hello. I am a white american female teenager. The only thing that would give me more advantage in today’s society is if i were an old rich white man. This enrages me. I don’t want free things thrown to me because im white or female or whatever. Specially if other races aren’t getting the same treatment as me. As great as it was to get hired on the spot, I have a very huge problem with my work place that i feel conflicted about and would like advice. My boss is racist. We are hiring at my job and a light skinned black woman, very beautiful and dressed appropriatly, asked for an application. I asked her age, and it met the requirement, so I get my boss and the first thing he asks is her race. Being tired and not thinking much ahead until after i say “black” he says, oh we are not hiring blacks. So i had to make up a lie and tell her we needed cooks with experience because there was no way i could tell her my boss wont hire her because her skin color. So she says thanks and walks off. And the more i think about this, the more angry i am. He didnt even look at her. Yes, there are trashy blacks, and all these people title them as the same. But, there are trashy whites, asians, or any other race… yet we do not tag them as all trashy. It makes me want to slap some sense into those who do crimes and are of colored. Do you not see how people are trying to fight for people not to imagine blacks as nasty criminals? Theyre trying so hard to make a life for themselves and they are put at a disadvantage because some black people want to act like they were never taught manners. But, thats a whole other topic… I just want to know what i should do. I dont want to just do nothing. Like i feel bad enough already… i dont think i could live with the guilt of letting anyone being turned down for an opportunity because of race or gender. But, i am a 17 year old who really needs the job, and besides the racism, its a nice job bc i love all the coworkers, and its easy tasks that dont make me feel like a useless monkey. If i was more brave and was financially fit, id quit or threaten to quit, or at least say something about it to the owners face. But, i cant afford to risk my job. Anybody have any ideas on how i can get this dealt with without getting my name involved right now? I really would love to do something, and if it came down to it, yes i would risk my job, but dont feel ready for that if there are different options.

Feeling so damn trapped.

I feel like I'm in a room of concrete with no doors being yelled at to leave. I feel like I'm the only one to ever be in this room and I don't even know how I got here.

My biggest mistake was allowing my mom's criticism get to me. When I was younger I'd have screaming fits, and sometimes it happened after church. I was a kid. Its not like it's abnormal for kids to be irritable. My mother would taunt me asking "is that christ like of you?" Or "Is this what they teach you in Sunday school?" What I needed back then was for someone to listen to me when I wanted to talk, give me space when I wanted space, and talk when I needed advice. Not having that, plus having the overwhelming voices of my mother telling me I'm not good enough to be a Christian, I turned away from the church. I was even pagan for a few short months as I tried to find myself. Only to realize that I really did believe in god and that I was just being stubborn. when I realized this, I still didn't really go to church. I'd go to mass with my boyfriend, but only during the holidays... and I contuined to stay away from the church because I didn't feel as though I fit in. I curse to much, I'm easily angered, I feel as though people don't like me there... but, this week I decided to go to mass with my boyfriend, out of the blue, because I don't want to feel as though I'm not good enough for church anymore. I don't want to let my paranoia keep me from finding peace within myself and with God. So, I've been thinking about this off and on for the last few months, and a part of me is scared if I make a final decision, it will only be like a phase, and I will stop going to church again, but I really want to convert to catholicism. In the past, I've told myself I want to go to church again, and it was like a phase because I let the paranoia get to me, and I allowed myself to revisit those hurtful things my mother used to tell me. I don't want that to happen again. Everytime I go to mass, I feel warm inside. I really need to let go of my fears. They hold me back from God and my dreams. Its time I start listening to what God has planned for me.

Random thought.... if I had a dollar for everytime I found a guy attractive I'd have like... 1 dollar... maybe 2 or 3.... #nationalcomingoutday like seriously, my boyfriend is one of the only men I will probably ever find attractive.

**sitting outside jets waiting for my pizza** **starts making out with boyfriend** boyfriend: hmm u okay? Me: yeah... why would I be? Him: bc ur all hot and ready. Me: we aren't at little ceasears. We're at jets were it takes 15 mins.

Laying in bed, crying over something of little importance.